I just want to say I really like how the story is starting so far and can’t wait to see more! I really wanna see how the relationship between the group and our MC evolves and develops over time! I also love the sarcastic stat! 
First let me say I love your lady’s choice game, I just adore how you kept track of the personality mechanic and not going to lie loved the little mini love triangle like thing you had going on in Mr. Amsbury’s route (which I will fully admit was my favorite one <3 ). I hope you accomplish that same level of build up in this game as well if you do that option.
Now this game itself I see a lot of potential with the frame work itself, and where the story can go. It’s nice you can either play someone sarcastic, or sweet, blunt or quite. I’m interested how you are going to incorporate with keeping up those stats. I’m really excited to see what you do with this! And how the character develop I can kinda see the outline for who they are in a top layer sense from the point of view shift (which I do appreciate, makes it feel a whole lot like a tv episode.) Like correct me if I’m wrong.
Adam/Ava= slight hot headed, kick in the door type.
Nate/Nat= The designated adult/Nice person.
Felix/Farah= The sarcastic slightly jerkish charmer.
Mason/Morgan: The bad boy/girl with a dark sense of humor.
Probably wrong or just saw a tiny part of their personality so far. X3 Which is good if so I like seeing the different parts of a character through out instead of getting them all in just one line.
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Ok first of all, before I check the forums, I was playing and finished Laurence’s route in a Lady’s Choice (I absolutely love both your games), what a coincedence. 
Secondly, the demo of this game is fantastic and intriguing. The fact that is a character/relationship/romance is an a++++. Your writing style is well flown and interesting, the characters already exciting (I’ve set my eyes to Adam and Felix, for now, can wait to learn more about all the guys 
); it also helps that you added vampires, whom I really enjoy in games and fiction 
.
So yes, I really loved what I’ve read and can’t for more!
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This is a really interesting story and your writing is amazing. I can’t wait to see where this story leads to.
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Very, very interesting stuff you’ve got going on. I really liked it. However, I do think a lot of background was missing and the choices were limited. Like, what happened with Bobby (I thought her name was Barbara, I’ve got a friend named like that and everyone calls her Bobby) and why is the MC so sore about it? That in itself could be a choice too, choosing to be mad about it or not. And why did we even join the force? That should be cleared from the get go so the player can mold the character to their liking as the story progresses. Also the abandoned building scene and the shooting scene were so…forced. Like, you made the MC a scaredy-cat that’s afraid of pigeons and is jumpy enough to even shoot their own gun without meaning to. I mean, I get that they are newly promoted but they are not fresh out of the academy, are they? Dialogue choices were okay, overall. You didn’t add any “harsh” answers though. Like telling the coroner to stop being so noisy. I don’t know what kind of story you are trying to make, maybe you want the MC to be a hero, which is fine, as long as it’s plot-adequate, but even so, the range of personality should be as expandible as posible, otherwise it feels too monotonous.
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@COGZealot - I’ll try to add in more choices like that in the future 
Poor Douglas though…
@AwkwardNature - The vamps are all old enough to be able to control themselves around blood. Around normal human blood anyway, but as you may have guessed, the MC is no normal human! So things might get interesting, especially with what happens at the end of book one
If the vampires got shot in the head, they could recover from it, it would just take a looooong time. They’d get knocked out for sure though.
I will describe how they look- just figured that might be better from the MC perspective, but not long until they all meet after the end of chapter 2!
@stuck_in_bed - I was always taught that putting an action to break up dialogue was ok as long as commas were used… but then I learnt that a looong time ago, so it’s probably not a good idea now I’ll change that over!
And, oh man, thank you!! It wasn’t until you explained it like that that I suddenly understood what people were saying about the choices! I really wanted to keep the fun, small choices in there, because I think it’s the small stuff (like coffee or tea) which helps me connect with a character, as well as the big stuff (like shoot the gun or not).
But, I completely get what people were trying to say now. It’s not necessarily the choice options, it’s the effect afterwards. The choices need to reflect in the story, even the small stuff. Thank you again, it only just made sense for me, think my brain is being very slow!
@Tragik_Ending - Thank you for playing it! Glad you liked it. Bringing the love triangle into play is going to be interesting
@Nakami_Nukaim - Thank you so much 
@24hourmess - I’m so glad you’re enjoying it. I really want the relationships between the characters (friendships and romance) to develop over the books. It’s exciting to think where it could go over a longer period of time, rather than trying to fit everything into one book!
@AngelOfTheBroken - Thank you for your kind words It’s nice to think people already have an idea of my writing style from The Lady’s Choice before coming into this one (even though the plot and setting are very different!).
The stats are the thing I’m learning about the most. It’s very different to writing a visual novel, well, for me at least. I’m hoping that the stats will grow naturally, and instead of picking one personality, the MC will develop in a rounded way.
Adam/Ava- Depends on who they are with. Their personality can be quite caged off.
Nate/Nat- Yeah, you always got to have a nice person! Though, there’s more to them than just politeness.
Felix/Farah- So full of snark and cynicism
Mason/Morgan- The hardest one to write. Pretty dark, rather grumpy, and if you think Adam/Ava is distrusting, then boy, Mason/Morgan just about takes the cake!
I’d say you were pretty spot on personality-wise, which is great. I really wanted everyone to get an instant feel for what the characters were like from that scene, so it’s nice to know I accomplished that
@kitkat - I’m so glad you enjoyed my other games, and I’m glad you’re enjoying this one too. (I still have such a weakness for vampires, so I just had to indulge in this series!)
@Baam - I think the issue is that I’m still thinking of it in terms of a set of novels, seeing as they’ve been that way in my head for so long. In books, I tend to introduce characters, set them all up, then slowly reveal background info and how the characters are together. In interactive fiction, because the reader is playing as the MC, I really need to get into the habit of giving all the details up front so as they can choose what kind of character they want to be- especially because book one is all about setting up the MC and things.
The abandoned warehouse scene I was writing with the idea in mind that everyone would be jumpy, especially someone without much experience. Wayhaven has been so quiet, and there is very little crime. Again, that’s probably something that should be cleared up earlier in the story! But, there will be an option not shoot in that scene.
Yeah, I’m not so keen on writing evil/not-very-nice MC character choices. I know so many people in real life who aren’t very nice, I tend to shy away from giving options like that. But, I know some people like to play that way, so I think I’m going to have to bite the bullet and stick it in. The most extreme I have is being a blunt, upfront character. Stats are really something I think I need to play around with and have a bit of fun in expanding, it’s definitely a learning curve
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Thank you everyone for your comments (sorry for this essay of a post in reply!). It’s such a nice thing getting instant feedback on a project!
I’ve been working on the demo, should hopefully have an updated version soon
18 Likes
Felix also sounds pretty great and cute, but I still feel like my main mc and Adam are just fated, I mean he already marked the cutie with that gunshot. 
Social media/ "smart"phone addiction is a terrible curse of modern society he was probably working on updating his Fakebook or Bleeter status to show the world he was “working”.
Still no need to destroy his phone over that just keeping it from him during working hours ought to suffice.
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…I like the thought of “grinding it into the floor” better. Much better.
Sorry… couldn’t resist. 
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@idonotlikeusernames - Poor Douglas Though, the MC’s relationship with his father (the Mayor) will have an affect on playthroughs throughout the books.
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An updated version of the demo has been put up I hope it’s improved!
- More background info and choices provided
- Non-binary gender choice added
- Spelling and grammar touched-up
- Formatting changed and taken out wordy paragraphs (I hope there’s better page breaks for phone readers now?)
- New choices added
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Next step is working on chapter 3 (start to get more branching from here on out), and looking at improving, expanding, and playing around with stats
31 Likes
I definitely had an easier time reading this time around, even if I did use a computer screen. I enjoyed some of the more personal choices added in there, though I’ll have to play through a couple of times to really get the hang of them all. I like the different impressions they will have of you depending on your choices around them. I like it when choices have effects like that in a story; makes it feel like what I do matters.
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OMG! It’s amazing! Loved everything there! The characters even I introduced briefly already make you feel like they have a personality! I feel like this is my next best book! Please continue this amazing piece!
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I liked a lot of this wip. And for sure I’m looking forward to see more. There are some things to fix like when you choose what gender you’re attracted to, whenever I chose that my mc is attracted to women, in the warehouse scene you shouldn’t use here instead of his? Or the mc shouldn’t presume that the people there are women (like voice, physical build, etc)? And in the shoot scene I think there’s a bug, because I chose not to shoot and after to investigate the warehouse some more, but I was able to found the blood sample anyway and I didn’t shoot.
Anyway, you’re doing a great job and I’m enjoying reading this.
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@Samthane - I’m glad it was easier to read this time around! Hopefully I’ll be able to keep up with that now I know more what sort of length to aim for. And I’m really glad the choices were a bit more personal, looking forward to them having more of an effect later in the book
@Colt_WB - Thank you so much for playing it, I’m really glad you liked it! I wanted to give an instant impression of the romance options at the end, so it’s nice to hear I managed that
@Nexus - Thanks so much for catching that bug! I had a complete mind-blank about that moment! I’ve gone back in and changed up that scene, depending if you shot or not.
I kept the whole scene outside the warehouse with the characters quite vague (non-specific on voices or genders), mostly because I wanted it all to feel very uncertain and jumpy. It’s something I may go back and look at at the very end when it’s all finished, sort of final touches (especially when I’m a bit more experienced with coding it too! ).
Thank you so much for playing it! I hope it continues to be something that you’ll enjoy
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Gah, loved it!
Can I just say I ADORED Lady’s Choice, it’s one of my favorite ren’py games, I love how the changing personality affects the relationship and ending, without making it a -CHOOSE THE RIGHT ONE OR FAIL- sort of game, which most dating sims tend to devolve into. ^^ THANK YOU SO MUCH!
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Good, it got better, keep it up.
Interesting. Keep it up. Can’t wait for more.
Well done, I really got into this one, sad when it ended. Loved the air of mystery and the reveal at the current end, and how we can shape our character.
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It’s interesting. You can see the time you put into it. I can’t wait to see more!
@Mim - I’m glad you’ve enjoyed my works Yeah, I don’t tend to enjoy those kind of right-or-wrong kind of games and choices, so I always try to make it so as the choices are a variety, but nothing is ever black and white with the responses- like life!
@Baam - Thank you!
@Sau_Mei_Ng - Thank you! Hopefully I’ll be able to get chapter 3 added to the demo soon
@Taylor_Enean - I’m glad you got into it! I’m hoping when I can play around with stats and learn a bit more about them, you’ll be able to shape your character even more.
@tooweiss - Thank you I am putting a lot of time into it, but hopefully that will pay off in the end!
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