The Valley of Villains (WIP)

SUMMARY
The Valley of Villains is a place where people with special powers are brought. Their memories about their family are erased and they are trained to be strong villains. They have three important rules:

  1. Do not show mercy to anyone.
  2. Do not fall in love with anyone.
  3. Do not reveal yourself to anyone.

Everything changes when you find yourself in The Valley of Villains.

ROs

Alexandria/Alexander - He/she is your first lover. After your memories are erased, you forget about him/her.

Scorpion (Shannon) - She’s the first person you meet in The Valley of Villains. She’s the second important person after the Commander. She can read people’s minds.

Snake (Josh) - He’s Cat’s friend. He’s rude person and doesn’t trust you. He can fly.

Cat (Katherine) - She’s sarcastic and fierce person. She doesn’t like you. She can manipulate fire.

Fox (Nathan) - He’s kind to you and trusts you. He can manipulate objects with his mind.

And more…

WHAT CAN YOU DO:

  • You can choose your gender and sexuality.
  • You can betray the villains or be one of them.
  • Your reputation will be determined by the choices you make.
  • You can be the Commander of villains if you make right choices.

DEMO: https://dashingdon.com/play/commander-raccoon/the-valley-of-villains/mygame/index.php?cb=19781

English is not my first language so please let me know if you find a typo/grammar mistake.

41 Likes
Summary

“I glad you finally wake up,” She says, walking closer to you. There are so many unasked questions in your mind.

I’m glad you finally woke up” or you could do “I’m glad your finally awake”

3 Likes

Also:

“[…] up,” She says,

should be

“[…] up,” she says,

as a general grammar thing. Or so I’ve been told.

This demo is shorter than my benis

You open your eyes, blinking several times to clear her vision.

You open your eyes, blinking several times to clear you’re vision.

1 Like

Screenshot_20171028-141423
I think it was supposed to be “The Commander will answer your questions”

It’s

your vision.

“Your” is second person possessive.

It might be a good idea to be more active in your writing. Like with this:

You walk out of the room and start following her. You’re walking by her side, still confused and scared.

It might be more streamlined and easier to read to just say.

You walk out of the room and follow her. You walk by her side, still confused and scared.

I love how there’re typos in this post while I give you grammar tips and junk haha. To be fair to me, any missing r’s are because my r key’s been a real butt lately.

Only the the Commander can."

“The the Commander will answer your questions.”

Cut a “the” out.

After a few minutes of walking, you two stop in front of a iron door.

After a few minutes, you two stop in front of an iron door.

It’s “an” before words that begin with vowels.

“she’s ready.” Scorpion informs the the Commander.

She’s ready.” Scorpion informs the the Commander.

1 Like

Had a bit of a laugh after reading “Rule 2: don’t fall in love” and have the immediate next section be a list of ROs

16 Likes

The commander is called the the commander a lot

  • Only the the Commander can."
    Who the fuck is the the Commander?
    “It’s my nickname which is given by the the Commander.
    “The the Commander will answer your questions.” Scorpion repeats.
    “he’s ready.” Scorpion informs the the Commander. He narrows his eyes, looking at you curiously. (cap he too)
    The the Commander nods and gets up. He puts his rough hand on your shoulder, looking into your eyes.
    From now, your name is Wolf.” I was expecting a from now *on

I glad you finally wake up

  • woke up

Is this her name? Seriously?

  • I think ‘that’ would work better than ‘this’

What the fuck is going on.

  • question mark?

It good just abit too short for my liking

So if the main characters are villains, would the antagonists be heroes or is it more of main characters being anti-heroes against villains?

I can do one of the rules, can’t do both.

1 Like

laying in the bed

I believe laying in bed is more correct

I did a literal gasp. Oh the drama. The angst. I love it and hate it. :see_no_evil:
This is interesting! I can’t wait till you write more-

3 Likes

We’re villains now, right? Surely that means we have to break the rules? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

@CommanderRaccoon: I’m a bit worried that the MC seems to be far too compliant. I can lie about my family, but not about my job or boyfriend? For that matter, why can’t I just refuse to answer? And when they lead me away, the worst I can do is shout a bit; can’t I struggle and try to escape?

6 Likes

Looks interesting, but what are our powers?

1 Like

now going kill commander if it last thing i do in valley of villain get my life back not be wolf but me

This topic was automatically closed 91 days after the last reply. New replies are no longer allowed.