The Snow Man - Review Requested


#1

I have the first chapter completed (~5,000 words) of a new game I’m working on and would love some feedback.

This game has a sci-fi backstory and a ‘Groundhog Day’-style interaction in this first chapter.

http://acetio.com/games/choice/snowman/web/mygame/index.html

Any feedback would be great to know how to change this chapter before moving on.
Specifically, is it boring or confusing?

Thanks,


#2

I got an error when I tried to say help me to the man, it was something like “it is illegal to fall out of a statement without a *goto”


#3

Hello,

The story’s fascinatingly creepy, but could use a catchier opening. Not sure how to help you there though.

I like the jam-jar simile.

in the “RAIN RAIN RAIN!” scene - lookig (looking?)

in the “this might tickle” scene - cicle (icicle?)

line 422 illegal to fall in to an *else statement
line 408 (same)
probably the same issue throughout that set of choices?

in the “CAW! CAW! CAW!” scene - Oopie (Oopsie?)

HTH.


#4

I’m pretty tired right now so here’s my rough review for le game : It’s not bad , the opening draws you in , mainly to figure out what the heck is happening . :joy: , and it could be a pretty cool psychological-y trip ! :grin:

Also : “startup line 582: bad label boys2”


#5

You and I have different views of the opening. Why is it catchy to you? I find that the very first page the reader runs into for this game could be built up more than it is. Maybe the sparse language and short sentences are meant to reflect the initial state of the main character, but then and then and then isn’t enough to catch my interest if I were reading this as a player rather than a reviewer. What’s your take?


#6

Well , I didn’t say it’s amazing or anything , it could definetly use some work , but what drew me in was the initial “Wait what what’s this , what is happening” , which is nice , because it intrigues me , and it made me play a little bit more , to solve the mystery or whatever, instead of yeah you’re a famous actor that does this and that , what movie do you want to star in (as an example of other possible openings).

Also keep in mind that I really should sleep right now so yeah… :sweat_smile:


#7

Okay, sleep well. (insert more characters here to break past the twenty character minimum)


#8

I like this a lot!

I crashed on line 408, says you are illegally falling to an else where you need a goto.


#9

Thanks for the feedback everyone. It sounds like it manages to balance the line between “mysterious” and “confusing” but is unsatisfying because the writing is not filled out enough.
And I’ll get on those bug fixes.
Thanks again!


#10

Great story, I’m interested in what this might turn into although I have no idea as to what.

When playing through I selected “try to move out of the sunlight you won’t last long” from the “You wake and the Sun is higher overhead. Everything seems to have grown, and also tilted to one side.” scene and then the scene that started with “You wake to the feeling of stones being pressed into your face. The girl is giving you a mouth although they don’t seem like they will be able to help you speak.” popped up which I had already done. This happens with all of my play throughs so far.


#11

The idea is that whenever your body starts to melt, you essentially start
over, although your memory and vision and hearing are retained.
So when you get to an endpoint, you literally go back to the first scene.
This is intentional but if it isn’t clear I’ll need to fix it.
Thanks for the feedback.

··· On Wed, Mar 16, 2016 at 11:20 PM, Kevin wrote:

Kelvin https://forum.choiceofgames.com/users/kelvin
March 17

Great story, I’m interested in what this might turn into although I have
no idea as to what.

When playing through I selected “try to move out of the sunlight you
won’t last long” from the “You wake and the Sun is higher overhead.
Everything seems to have grown, and also tilted to one side.” scene and
then the scene that started with “You wake to the feeling of stones being
pressed into your face. The girl is giving you a mouth although they don’t
seem like they will be able to help you speak.” popped up which I had
already done. This happens with all of my play throughs so far.

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#12

I really like what you have so far!