I love mystery! Let’s give it a shot.
Here are some notes on how my playthrough went, as well as a couple typos I found.
Some notes
chasing a little snake around the tiny screen seems like the pinnacle of entertainment in comparison.
MC has good taste in games.
There are a bunch of little internal-dialogue lines in this story that are really strong. Like this one:
“Just another way your mind has turned against you.”
Multiple psychological issues being hinted at. That’s a great characteristic for a detective to have!
Being able to choose “people-pleasing” as a penalty (which I did) is pretty ominous. What am I going to be forced to do for the sake of appeasement?
Maybe nothing. Honestly I would probably have picked all the people-pleasing options on my own.
But none of that compares to the most glaring issue of all: your irrevocable, resolute need for revenge.
I love the contrast between the goal and the character I’ve chosen to play.
“I try to be kind whenever possible. I’ve experienced hardship, and I want to lessen the burden on others. I can be a bit of a pushover sometimes. Also if I find the killer, I’m going to stab them in the throat.”
MC describes a feeling of isolation here, which is odd because they’ve said they have friends here. Is it more of a mental isolation because of the revenge quest?
You spin around quickly,
No! This is not how you respond to being tailed!
You have to turn casually, preferably while holding a large newspaper!
I’ll chalk this reaction up to the MC being traumatized.
“You recognise a couple of the faces through your work, and when they lock eyes with you, their previously passive expressions become scowls.”
Oh no, everyone hates me!
I like that. It makes everything a little more fun.
“You do realise you’ll have to ward of Detective Graves”
“Ward off”?
By the way, my spellcheck pinged both “recognise” and “realise”. A search suggests both of those are British spellings as opposed to “recognize” and “realize”, though, so I guess that’s fine.
You shut your mouth quickly, not wanting to become a topic of gossip amongst the staff.
If the customers’ reactions are anything to go by, it’s way too late for that!
“Don’t look, but you’ve got an admirer checking you out right now.” You instinctively start turning your head. “I said don’t look!”
Ruth’s detective instinct is better than the MC’s! Quit spinning around, dummy!
panting like a bullmastiff on heat.
“In heat”?
Something odd happens here. These two paragraphs appear at the top of the page:
She nods, a wide smile gracing her features. “Of course. Truth be told, I’m just very nosy, so there’s little reason to be too thankful,” she responds jokingly, throwing you a quick wink. “Besides, it would have been terribly uncouth of me to leave such a gem in a state of distress.”
The stranger nods at Ruth before her gaze settles on yours again, almost as if she were magnetised to you. Which is annoying. Can’t she see you don’t wish to talk? “Of course. Truth be told, I’m just very nosy, so there’s not need to be too thankful,” she responds jokingly. “Besides, it would have been terribly uncouth of me to leave such a gem in a state of distress.”
It looks like these were supposed to be one or the other.
This is where a voice reached the MC in their dreams. I really like how the fantasy elements are very gradually being rolled into the plot!
You feel your venom gland readying itself to spit its poison at the disappointingly familiar voice. Rolling your eyes, you turn to confront the pest.
This is another really good line.
Oh crap, I think I might have actually been punished for people-pleasing! It forced me to agree to a dinner date with Lieutenant Creep!
I’d be disappointed if my choice didn’t hurt me somehow, but wow. How pleasantly nasty!
His murder makes even less sense compared to the others. The killer never mutilated your father’s body in the same way, nor was he able to move the body as the killer has done others.
This is where I have to wonder whether the culprit is the same in every murder. Any of these could be a copycat killing. The connecting details are vital here since the victims are apparently unrelated.
An sharp, unfamiliar voice
“A sharp”
Behind her is the most striking person you have ever seen.
It feels a bit soon to claim something like this after meeting a literal succubus the previous night!
You almost trip over a rock in your efforts to calm your breathing. “Pay attention!” And keep your head down, Koel, before it’s size gives us away."
Quote marks are misaligned a bit here. Also “its size”
I like Taj quite a bit. It makes me feel like an idiot since her only character attribute is that she hates me, and I’m drawn to her anyway.
That’s compared to the diner succubus from earlier, where my reaction is “this is a trap. Do not engage.”
But is there one whose heart skips a little at the memory?
It makes things easier, but it still feels like cheating to be able to pick which character has a crush on MC.
“It’s probably nothing, but… do you ever get the sense that someone is too mundane?”
Hey now. You’re hurting my feelings.
“Regardless, we would do well to keep an eye on Charlie, but something tells me it won’t be difficult.”
Yeah, because he’s so bad at being tailed!
with a binder left open beside it containing information and files of a previous victim.
Makes me wonder how many victims there have been. All in this town, I assume…
The contact does some work for an X-rated magazine and has a makeshift dark room in his apartment. They have barely any social skills to speak of, but they are smart and, most importantly, discreet.
The pronoun use swaps from “his” to “they” here
Here’s where I checked to see whether there was a notebook in the stats menu for keeping track of crucial evidence.
There was!
What kind of trouble are you?
Heh.
I woke up, and I put the telly on
So that’s why you’re using the British spelling. Not a typo, then!
“Sure. I had plans, but I’ll cancel.”
[People-pleasing] No, don’t cancel your plans on my account! I can go to that awful dinner instead, it’s okay! I’m really sorry…
Time passes like this for some time.
The double “time” is a little jarring
“You’re bothering, Charlie.”
Umbra says this twice. I think the comma should be dropped here, unless she’s having trouble forcing the words out.
In short, this is great! A very strong opening with lots of promise.
My favorite ROs, if that’s what they are, are Ruth (she is nice to me) and Taj (I am stupid). I don’t trust the succubus, and Umbra needs major psychological help instead of a relationship.
This is going to be tough. Besides being extremely prone to branching, it could lead to some unsatisfying ends. I’ve played a detective game or two where that happened.
But if you can pull it off, it could work really well. Good luck - I’d love to see this one expand!
