The Mark Bearer (WiP - Updated 11/19)

high-fantasy
gender-locked-male

#1

DEMO - https://dashingdon.com/go/1996

In a war-torn land, the battle between humans and demons that has raged on for centuries still continues. Both sides have spilled a lot of blood and still to this very day continue to. Both sides have suffered the consequences of war but they have also forgotten why the war was started. With no end in sight, hatred was inevitable. However, one child who was unexpectedly saved could perhaps change this tide.

A demon child with a mysterious past who was raised by humans bears a strange mark on his arm. A mark that can destroy him…or bring him to greatness.

Characters:

Summary

Edward - Your adoptive father and a warrior. He has taught you to be able to fight and fend for yourself and with his vast experience, how to deal with certain situations. His past is shrouded in mystery, but it seems he holds a special place in the Empire.

Alicia - Your adoptive mother and a mage. She has taught you not just magic, but also manners and a education. Her past is shrouded in mystery, but she seems to hold a special place in the Empire.

The Sho’ah (??) - The title that belongs to the ruler of the demons. The strongest demon ruler to ever exist excluding the first Sho’ah that united the demons. Unexpectedly, it is not unheard of for a female to rule. Planned RO.

The Chosen (??) - One of the heroes believed to be chosen by God. Planned RO.

King Arthur the XII (??) - Ruler of the Bahruth Empire.

Princess (??) -

?? - Name and more details will be added later.

STATS and RELATIONSHIPS are in work atm.
Game is gender-locked due to my learning of CS and story-related.

Updates
11/19
Edits, fixes, added one more option and expanded the story a bit.


#2

Oh, this I definitely like!


#3

Still short, but certainly interesting :slightly_smiling_face: going to enjoy a fact that MC have horns, but hopefully mc can hide it, to keep nosy peoples away.

Anyway, found few things

TMB

occasionally


TBM2

But, most importantly…

The capitalization.


And a few question if you don’t mind, why this gender-locked? :thinking: Is it plot related? And are there going to be RO?


#4

Short but intriguing. I second the question about the genderlock, though.

If you don’t mind me asking, what abilities does the MC have? Do they have demonic powers or magic? Since you mentioned magic, is it common among humans or limited to a select few?


#5

Thanks for finding mistakes, will b fixing them soon!

It’s currently gender locked because it has something to do with the story and also the fact that I’m not that used to using Choicescript yet, so I did what was easier for me.

Yes, there will be ROs. In fact, two of the ROs are already in the character summary - the “Hero” and Demon King.


#6

The planned abilities relate to the mark so it’s not demonic power or anything. It’s dark magic, however it’s not like the usual dark magic. That’s not the only magic you’ll be able to use, plus you can’t always use the Mark’s magic because it’ll overtake you if used repeatedly. Planning a stat for this atm.

Magic is common among humans, but it doesn’t mean that everyone can use high tier spells or be a magician with overwhelming power.

If it isn’t clear yet, you’re a demon. The horns just signify that, I wasn’t intending on hiding it or making it anything special.


#7

What does “making it anything special” mean?

Since there is/was a war, I’m assuming being descended from demons is a bad thing among humans, but is the existence of a demon child a strange happening in and of itself? Or is it only the adoption that is strange?

If you don’t mind me asking and if it isn’t a spoiler, why is the male MC required? Because I think that the reasons haven’t been made clear yet, and many players (myself included) would like to have the option to select gender. If the story demands it, I wish you best of luck, but it would be nice to see the reasons behind it.


#8

Um is this perhaps inspired from an anime?


#9

Ohhhhhh mystery…

…and he later reveals that he is of royal blood… :stuck_out_tongue:


#10

Writing and dialogue is a bit stiff but otherwise it makes for an interesting concept if a bit tried.
Only peeves besides the few bits of dialogue and the narration with this is that you can’t choose blonde hair.
Hopefully it won’t be genderlocked but w/e.


#11

So basicly you are son of deamon king and human woman. Humas are, at war with deamons, and you are deamon hunter. Somethink like, devil may cry?


#12

@EclecticEccentric

It just means the horns don’t really play a special part except for a few things like your race and so on. There’s no special power in them or anything like that. They’re just horns. And yes, usually in a war there’s always hatred between the two opposing sides and it’s only strange because of the adoption, a human adopting a demon isn’t unheard of, but rare.

As said before, I’m still new to CS so I feel better gender-locking, but it’s gender locked Male (not definite) for now because your powers will be based on the primordial god known as Erebus.

@Karl341 No, sorry. I actually didn’t want to use Demon King because it felt too childish, however I had no other titles to use for the Demon King. Might just change this title after I find a more suitable one.

@Sophia You won’t be royal blood, but your birth is definitely abnormal.

@Sano Ah, I only didn’t allow blonde hair due to the fact that your adoptive parents would have that. Any tips on making it less stiff?

@Kiogu1 No, you’re not the son of a demon king and human woman. You’re also not going to be a demon hunter and definitely not like DMC.


#13

Devil, other languages for words related to something evil? Like Shoa (tyrant)?


#14

Ooh that sounds good. Thanks, will have to look it up before I use it to make sure it fits.


#15

The large lack of contractions in dialogue where there could be to make things feel more natural. This could work if it were just an idiolect but even the MC, a child, is speaking in like English is their second language.

Another thing is that the MC’s lines are way too formal to be coming out of a kid’s mouth. Something lots of authors do is act out the scenes to flatten out any wrinkles and make it sound more natural.

When reading over your work, think to yourself ‘Is this something that I would say to my so-and-so?’ If not, what would you say to make things feel more organic?

Then there’s the topic of using also then, also and and when as transitional devices. Rather than smoothly bridge the sentences, they ruin any flow or suspense that might have been built up.

Tbh, in most cases, then can just be taken out entirely.
e.g.
Something…something (then) felt wrong.
You wiped your tears and snuggled up to the warmth of the hug (It was then) as you hear(d) the front door open.
A man with a hood over his head scanned the surroundings (then he) and looked at the woman in front of him.
The man’s face relaxed a bit (and then) as he sighed deeply.

The same can be done with also,
The woman (also) looked at the baby in the basket.
The man nodded his head, (and) his expression (also) tensing up.
He picked you up and (also) gave your mother a quick kiss.

If you feel the sentences become too robotic or repetitive, much like the use of ellipses in this, then feel free to spice it up or connect it with previous paras/sentences.

Regarding the aforementioned ellipses, you use it so often that it loses what impact it might have had in a scene.
Oftentimes, it isn’t even necessary to put.
But…it wouldn’t open.
An eerie feeling started to creep up on you.
You turn to look at your parents again.(…)
They’re gone.


#16

I’m liking this so far I love demons and stuff


#17

I’m assuming that this is the end of the demo…

Summary


#18

@Sano Thank you! Will be looking into it and changing it according to your info. Hopefully it works out well.

@Harley_Robin_Evans Thanks for the interest!

@FutbolDude21586 Oh, yes it is. It seems I messed up a command.


#19

I like this, it has a charm to it


#20

Some issues I found:


This would work better as 'That was perhaps your biggest mistake, as…'

The first ‘Father’ would be better served by an exclamation mark behind it instead of a comma, or jist by being eliminated entirely. ‘Father, Father’ sounds more like part of a song than everyday speech.
You jump out of someone’s arms, not off them.
‘Started to smile widely’ sounds awkward and stilted.
‘Smiled widely’ would be much better.