Such a great read, really like it. Can we rescue our right-hand woman Hayes from death? I’m looking forward to read more 
I have a few suggestions on the first combat scene. Feel free to use or ignore my advice. I don’t want to discourage you from writing, I’m just trying to help.
I put my remarks in parenthesis. I have broken up my observations by each page break.
1st section edits
The sky is overcast; (use a semicolon instead of a comma)
foliage catches your attention. Before you can react, (I would break up this sentence into two)
2nd section edits
(Add something specific… a radioman or rifleman or something shot in the chest… Paint a picture and make it feel real. These are not established characters, so you can kill them off with impunity.)
smoke and chaos. Several enemy squads (This is how I would break up this sentence.)
3rd section (take cover)
Your soldiers react instantly, diving frantically behind the nearest cover that’s offered. (I think the sentence is smoother written like this.)
4th
Through the smoke and the crackle of gunfire, you can see the enemy positions beginning to regroup, likely preparing for another assault. (The enemy ambushed the player; it was not an assault. If they are planning to attack, then say “likely preparing for an assault.”)
Provide cover fire with a squad and yourself and order others to withdraw (The wording here seems strange. Also, these options don’t have periods after them.)
5th (cover fire and retreat)
You take a deep breath, hefting your rifle and leading a squad into the fray. “Cover fire now! We need to get out of here!” you shout, your voice steady despite the chaos. (You are not leading them into the fray; just laying down cover fire from your position. Also, have the character name the squad, to explain how they know what to do. You have a lot of leeway here because none of the characters are established yet. Example: “First Squad, lay down cover fire! Everyone else, fall back!”
The withdrawal is chaotic but organized, (I don’t like this phrase. It doesn’t make sense to me. This paragraph seems rushed. You have time to describe specifically what happens here. The enemy is pinned down, some of your squads retreat, they get away safely. Now you retreat with your remaining squad, the enemy opens fire after a few seconds, describe if anyone gets shot.)
6th
As the immediate threat of the ambush begins to wane, you and your platoon manage to extract yourselves from the perilous situation. (This sentence doesn’t make sense to me. I would change it to “You managed to extract your platoon from a perilous situation.”
The enemy’s fire gradually diminishes, likely due to the disruption caused by your tactical maneuvering and the cover fire provided. (This sentence also doesn’t make sense. Their fire diminished because we retreated out of their range of sight.)
your decisions having steered your men through the ambush with varying degrees of success. (The player only plays once, so it is not varying for them. I would write “your decisions having successfully steered your men through the ambush.”
Let me know if this is helpful or too specific. I can possibly do more, later.
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Thanks a lot for taking time and fixing these one by one. Yes, Chapter 1 was before I kind of got hold of what I wanted to write.
And English is not my language so often hard to write what I want to. Especially when written for an audience to make them feel like the player.
I spent considerably more time in Chapter 2. Would love to have your review on flow and mechanics of that.
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Hey, that’s okay. The only way to learn is through practice. Also, writing an interactive fiction creates new challenges for even an experienced writer. Again, the best solution is practice.
When I started writing these, I remember writing out an enormous choice tree for a conversation. Later, I went back with my experience and cut about 2000 words of repetition. I found shortcuts to solve the problems that I ran into.
I will try to come back to it soon.