Premise
The Kingdom of Elmase is divided into small houses which have their own armies, leaders and symbols. You’re the warrior of House Elmert which is located in North. Everyone is living in peace until the people named called Savages come out. They occupied almost all of the lands in South.
Now, they are coming for North.
Houses and their rules
Houses are named after the first leader. The leader of a house is called Commander. Commanders are chosen by people.
Savages
They are the worst people in the world. They are well-trained warriors who love torturing, killing people, taking their home. Not only they are cruel, but also strong.
Romance Options
Commander Alexandria/Alexander of House Rodwell - He/she is the strong leader who cares about his/her people so much. He/she believes nothing can break him/her, but everyone has a weakness.
Alfie - He’s one of the strongest warriors of House Elmert. He’s stubborn, kind, and smart person.
Commander Athena of House Ravelino - She’s kind and gentle person, but she can be very cruel if you step on her toes. She never forgives betrayal.
Pretty good story so far, here are some advices :
at the beginning you should’t say 80% of the South because it sounds too modern my advice is too change that to the majority of the South.
Also when you are talking with Alfie the choices i trust you, i don’t trust you are too simple. You could add an option to lie for example
Found an error in stats screen: choicescript_stats line 28: Non-existent variable ‘commander’
I hope you won’t mind me sharing a bit of criticism.
There’s not much content to make a judgement but I do think it’s interesting. I will say the whole theme of “mindless savages that only kill” thing is pretty cliche. It could use a bit of a twist to make it more interesting.
Overall it needs a bit more description, just to make it seem less generic. Maybe share a bit more about the cultures in the Kingdom between each house. Or info on where these ‘savages’ came from.
Obviously all of these details don’t need to be in the beginning, but as it stands the story needs a bit more flavor. A bit more detail and exposition would make the story pretty good. Good luck!
Who seabean? well he/she is a very active person and usually offers valuable insights so i think it’s good that he/she is helping the WiPs you follow to grow.
Yeah i know ( the same goes for you Dungeon Master i have seen you quite a lot ) Its just that seabean is writing my favorite WIP and i just find it nice to see an author i like in the same WIPs
Could the savages be all the exiled lord and people i mean if they kill every one and dont reslly care it could be old exiled lords trying to get there land back
I mean some exiled lords still would have friends and maybe some of these ‘Savages’ are hired mercanaries. Someone who has a claim to these houses gets support from rich merchants and friends can easily raise a army also they control the south so they could conscript most of them and promise them unimaginable things
