So, I’m writing this as I play, so it may come off a bit messy…
I’m pretty sure that comma before “[pronoun] [MC]” in the third to last paragraph shouldn’t be there. It makes Ms. Verner address the MC, not R, which I’m pretty sure is not supposed to be the case.
“Your time to be in front of the them is coming up.” should either be “the crowd” or something along those lines or lose the “the”.
I take it the candle-lighting scene is the “pick what romance path you’re in” choice?
(Intermission for RL stuff)
EDIT: Well, there’s another RO choice at the nightmare, so I guess the candle-lighting isn’t defining the romance path after all. On we go!
The way the text is structured, it gives the idea it’s Becca talking in that second paragraph there.
“[…]sooner RATHER than later […]” near the end there:
ROGUE. ROGUE investigation. “rouge” is make-up, or french for red.
Going through the pictures in the study at the cabin doesn’t give a choice of having Jane AND Ruby support you. Don’t know if that impacts anything.
Similarly to before, the text structure gives the impression the line in the second paragraph is spoken by Ruby, not the MC.
It’s “pedaling”, not “peddling” (which means selling), and “lake side” should be one word.
Overall thoughts:
I quite like it. There are a few parts that strike me as weird, where it appears you are privy to other characters’ thoughts, which detract from the experience a bit (for me). It’s horror, which is a much-lacking genre in the CoG portfolio (possibly because it might very well be the second-hardest literary genre to pull off successfully), so that’s another point in its favour.
I can see myself tackling this series the same way I tackle Wayhaven - multiple plays to get saved games for each RO (4 in Wayhaven, because the love triangle made me feel so sleazy I can’t possibly do it, and 3 here, because if I can poly then I probably won’t do Jane and Ruby individually).
Will definitely follow this project!