The chronicles of second chance, book one. New files uploaded, 08/16/2023

[ArchivistAlpha096]

Hello all!
This is my second draft at a hosted games book, sort of.
General description:
hance.
When you wake with what should be a large wound on your arm, but now, is little more than a scar, you, for good reason, hope that it was all just a dream.
Then? 4 strangers come out of nowhere, and attach themselves to you. Attractive strangers? But… Still. Then? People start dying. All related to your… Dream.

As of now, there are 4 Ros, a fifth, depending on your path. No LT.
For those who looked into “Freehold, book 1”, this is a revamped and updated version of that.

Dashingdon link:
https://dashingdon.com/play/arcsmith/freehold-book-1/mygame/
I hope you enjoy! Feedback is always welcom to help make this a better experience for everyone.

As of now, I am doing a 2-week rotation with my other book, same world, different team. So. Expect updates every month or so, give or take.

[AMER1CANN1NJA09]

Okay first page of the book and I already am having trouble reading cause of many typos. Every time you use the word “pain” you spell it as “paine”. Is that someone’s name?

Lessons? I think you mean lessen

[Draconifors]

Hi! I’ll be honest, I think this could use a good spell-check and re-read. It gets hard to follow the story due to typos, and from what I see none of the quotation marks are closed so it becomes confusing to follow dialogue.

I also got an error when I tried to pick Kenny rather than Kathi, another when I tried to pick that I was interested in men, different stats categories seem broken (“Essentials”, “Pack Information”, “Character Information”) and finally the story crashes when I click on “Last night” before the perspective switch.

All in all, I think this could be an interesting story from what I understand of the premise but it could definitely use more polish and testing to make sure the code works. A 2-week delay between updates sounds very ambitious, and it would be worth spending more time on releases just to give them the time and care they deserve.

[Lady_Daya]

Too many typos and code errors, i could not understand what was going on. The format is a little weird, but i love these kind of premise, i liked it so far, but it needs to be polished. With a re-read and some more work, this can be a great story.

[Barb]

I like the poetic style of writing, though I think using some formatting such as spaces or centred text would help convey that it is meant to be read as poetry, not prose.

Otherwise, as others have pointed out, there are a few spelling mistakes and unfinished code that crashes the game.

Overall, this is very interesting, and I hope you keep working on it, though please use a random or a quick test to check for bugs.

[ArchivistAlpha096]

Yeah, I ran it through the spellchecker with word, but it didn’t like some of the labels, though I probably should’ve run through the entire thing to make sure that everything was correct, so my bad. Also, how do you get poetry from it?

Totally forgot about the stats page, just updated it, will probably up load that tomorrow.
There are some things that I need to fidle around with it, probably send it to ultimate Nube coding to see if they can help me with that. It’s just not showing/displaying exactly how I wanted to. Thank you for reminding me of that though.

[ofna]

I think you have a really interesting concept here, but I will echo the others that it is difficult for me to get through as it currently is.

It’s not just typos or misspelled words. You also misuse words that sound similar but have different meanings in some places (wear vs ware, for example). Some of these things will not be caught by a spell check in Word. Your use of capitalization and punctuation is also a bit unconventional and makes things more confusing for me personally. I would try to lay off of the commas in general, I think they’re doing more damage than good in most places.

I hope you don’t mind, but I took the game intro and rewrote it to make it a little bit easier to read. Just to give you an idea of what I’m talking about. I tried to keep most of the structure and flow of the original. Feel very free to ignore this!

Suggested Changes

Italicized sections are just for readability or grammar, bold changes are misspelled or misused words.

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ORIGINAL TEXT
This book is about being Human. What it is, to be truly, Human. The forms we take. The masks we ware. The identities we craft for ourselves. Just because something is not. Human? Does not mean it is not. Human. Just because something, or someone, is. Human? on the surface, does not mean that they are truly, Human. However? That will be expanded upon later. Don’t worry if this is confusing you now.

This book is about many things. What things truly are. Very little, is what you first take it to be, and Less, is what you take it to be after a second glance. This book, is also about romance. Not just in the violant moments that we have come to expect these days. It is about romance in the quiet moments of life. In a touch. A word between 2 people. A swift glance. A thought for another soul. In a heartbeat. In the silance between.

Good luck. I hope you find this worth the time you spend reading it, and enjoy reading it, as much as I do creating this world. Now. Let us begin. Shall we?

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NEW TEXT
This book is about being human. What it is to be truly human, the forms we take, the masks we wear, and the identities we craft for ourselves. Just because something is not human, does not mean it is not human. Just because something or someone is human on the surface does not mean that they are truly human. However, that will be expanded on later. Don’t worry if this is confusing to you now.

This book is about many things. What things truly are. Very little is what you first take it to be and less is what you take it to be after a second glance. This book is also about romance. Not just in the violent moments that we have come to expect these days. It is about romance in the quiet moments of life. In a touch. A word between two people. A swift glance. A thought for another soul. In a heartbeat. In the silence between.

Good luck. I hope you find this worth the time you spend reading it and enjoy reading it as much as I did creating this world. Now, let us begin. Shall we?

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I hope you continue to work on this game! The premise sounds very intriguing and I would love to read more later. Good luck with your writing!

[Barb]

It was the sentence fragments and odd punctuation which made me think poetry. If that is not the case, I’m sorry. I did think it was good though, just a little hard to read formatted as it was.

[ArchivistAlpha096]

It wasn’t intended to be, but now I kind of want to make it poetry just because.
Yeah, I’ve been getting a lot of that as far as the format goes. My first time doing this, but at least it’s a learning experience,.

[Fire-Force]

Hey there. While your idea is intriguing from what i could understand from the current demo, it needs polishing like all the above said. And there are some pages with lots of texts. You might want to *page_break them into smaller length as not to scare away readers.

That being said, good luck!!

[Valixon]

Idea is a good one lol but can’t say much different than what has all ready been said so look forward to seeing what comes next far as the story goes.

[Bulk_Biceps]

@ArchivistAlpha096 found this:
choicescript_stats line 146: Non-existent variable ‘k_hair’
choicescript_stats line 30: Non-existent variable ‘mc_hair’
choicescript_stats line 90: Non-existent variable ‘t_title’

[goliath]

This is extremely interesting! I found some typos however.

Typos.

I believe this should be either “We are” or “We’re”. You’re also missing a " on the end. Also, the bellowing sentence doesn’t make sense to me at all.

A ‘ware’ accompanied by a ‘cumfy’. Also, I believe kilt is not an actual style, more a clothing item? Also, while doesn’t need to have a comma after it.

There’s no typos I can see, but the last choice just sounds a little dull and repetitive. How about: “None of these options are my eye-colours!” or something like that?

Ankles are misspelt here.

Should be spelt average.

Alas, ‘mee’ is not my name.

More of those pesky typos!

That’s all the typos I can find from a quick skim of the game, I’ll do it properly later.

Oh yeah, and no black hair-colour.

[dp544]

The Link doesn’t open for me, it just gives me this error “ line 227: Invalid string, open quote with no close quote: "pigtales”

[ArchivistAlpha096]

I’ll take a look. Just in the process of editing it, should be able to upload it tomorrow. Thanks.
Didn’t think I had pigtails in the original draft though, I’ll look through it again, pretty sure I know where I went wrong.

[ArchivistAlpha096]

Ok, that should be fixed now. Just uploaded the revised draft. Really do need to find an editor… Hmmm…
Quotes should be fixed now, and fixed as many typos as I could find.

[Bulk_Biceps]

@ArchivistAlpha096 found this: startup line 588: invalid ${} variable substitution at letter 139

[Draconifors]

Several errors, including one that makes it so the game crashes: startup line 1059: Non-existent variable 'g_their'
In the stats, I also get the following when trying to view the “essentials”: choicescript_stats line 43: invalid indent, expected 1, was 2
Character information crashes due to the following: choicescript_stats line 208: Non-existent variable 'i_hair'

There’s still a lot of spelling errors, some easier to ignore than others; for example when choosing the hairstyle we want, most options are misspelled. It should be “buzzcut, cropped close to my skull”, “coiled”, and “bowl cut”.

Image

.

Also, there’s a bug with the clothing. I selected that I preferred to wear “smart” clothing, so “smart shirt, smart pants, etc” but I get a scene that says I’m wearing a kilt.

[ArchivistAlpha096]

Fixed the game crashing, turns out I forgot to put a *else statement in there. Thanks.
Also, if possible, could you not use immages? There not very mutch use to me.
Stats is currently still out though. Am in the process of fixing it.

[Draconifors]

Selecting that I’m interested in men gives me the error startup line 1283: Non-existent variable 'k_hair' while selecting that I’m interested in women gives me startup line 1300: Non-existent variable 'i_their'