@HomingPidgeon, well then, I think you’re right where I hope a reader would be at this point then. I’m trying very hard to avoid over explaining things, something I think I’ve been guilty of with CCH. So I’m shooting for some more nuance here. And I watched one of my favorite movie scenes last night, Leo in Wolf of Wall Street where he doesn’t…quite…offer a bribe to a federal officer. He dances around it with his words, something I want to incorporate some here. Hopefully you think the conversation with Ayvex in Chap 6 has some of that nuance.
@Pigeon, thanks for the encouragement! I do hope that most updates are pretty ‘clean’ and won’t require much feedback re: grammar/typos (although there will some). It helps knowing that a few folks are enjoying the story. And I plan to keep a very fast update pace on this project. I really want to submit it this fall.
I feel like I am racing to get to the 50% mark by the time for NarraScope on June 14th. It would be nice to tell the CoG/HG people that I will have another game to submit by end of year.
And the flight promises to be (somewhat) enjoyable.
Chapter 6 will be added either tonight or tomorrow night, and then Chapter 7, which will have two totally different versions based on a decision at the end of Chapter 6, should be ready by Sunday (will mark the 20% point)
First of all, hats off to you. You have done a great job of portraying an anarchy aves world. It is really an excellent job what you have. I have read your preference for the suggestions. But I have a few extra points if you don’t mind. I will list out the following below.
Until now I didn’t find any detective work or so. Hence it is a little disappointing. I am expecting it in the upcoming chapters.
Your ways of creating an anarchy world was really exceptional. Every detail was perfect except one. When the MC meets the dove in prison. There is a statement, 'She hoots in a gruff, unsophisticated manner to you and Concordia. “Time for you to go.” ’ Actually, doves don’t hoot they mourn.
The stats were good I didn’t find any fault in it.
About side cases, it would be nice if you made it oriented with the main plot or as a flashback.
I have a feeling that MC should be a little cool. But otherwise ok.
The plot is extremely well and your language is also good. Also, there was no bugs.
I am extremely excited and looking for future updates.
I’m glad you like it so far! I’ll have another chapter posted tonight!
Oh it’s coming! Lots of interviews and inspecting (dead) bodies ahead
Actually, the huge owl guard hooted that. Let me go back to see if I need to tweak that sentence.
I’m hoping I just just enough without going into stat overload, so good!
Yeah I am still struggling with them. Flashbacks would be cool maybe, but then again they couldn’t really affect your resources (bundles) so that’s a big minus. But they could really develop your MC if I went back to old cases like the turkey snood one to show how MC is still bitter about so much.
Can you clarify what you meant by this?
I am trying to post fairly bug-free updates, but it’s going to get harder as checks get more complicated.
About MC being cool I felt that he/she was struggling during the trial of the dove. I don’t know whether my options led to that scenario or it is the same for every other options.
I have to say, I am genuinely in love with their WIP. I love the work you’re putting into this, and I can’t wait for the next update. And, if fate declares it, this WIP become a full fledged game. Keep up the good work Eric.
@Jeeshadow1, I figured most MCs would feel at least a little guilty about that! (even if it’s only because they don’t want to train another one next week)
@Duke-Don, well it was a pretty intense situation, something MC had not necessarily experienced before. Most hearings just don’t have hundreds of birds in attendance. I wanted to show that MC was thrown off their game a bit. But some MCs would have been quite successful at the hearing still, if they really just wanted to suck up to certain demographics of birds, or if they met the stat checks when Serena was being mistreated. But with a thriller, the MC has to encounter a ton of obstacles; so the deck has to be stacked against you (and it’s going to get worse).
Thank you, @Mitchell_Shafer, that means a lot as I am putting my heart into this one! I’ve always wanted to write a legal/crime thriller, and using animals lets me get even grittier in ways I couldn’t do with humans. I’m planning to update tonight with two versions of Chapter 7, which would mark the 20% completion point.
Well, for the first time this month, “real life” got me on a weekend and limited my writing. It was our wedding anniversary weekend (17 years!) and we enjoyed it quite a bit! Had a killer and said goodbye to GoT and TBBT.
The next update will include the twin Chapter 7 versions; I just need some more time to get them where I want them. (striving to make the pros/cons of each “even” so as not to throw off game balance)
Both versions of Chapter 7 have been uploaded to the story link on the OP.
Because we’re getting deeper into the story, I created a menu at the beginning with options to take you directly to either version of Chapter 7. You won’t have any stats or a name, but there aren’t any stat checks so everything works fine if you can get over being sans name.
I’ll probably use this menu approach to provide direct access to the newest chapters as I keep cranking out the updates this summer.
Any feedback is appreciated! I hoped to make both versions of Chapter 7 equally fun, but that’s difficult to do.
Really enjoying all the new chapters, especially the little glimpses into the structure and culture of Talon City.
I did notice something seems to have happened with the quotation marks — right now they’re a mix of smart and straight quotes.
Other Stuff
What I’m getting into?" Don’t I have a choice here?
“Does the defendant even dispute what happened? You ask. “I mean, she certainly has a motive.”
“Come to think of it, It would have matched what happened to the Accused’s family. She lost three chicks herself during the Balancing hunt.”
Oh, great. The ruler of the Open wants blood. The Accused’s blood. And Justice Sorin is asking me to stick out my neck and defend this murdering dove? For what?"
""To the esteemed members of the Talon City legal community,
Thanks for the little catches. I’ve tried to make the updates as clean as possible, but it definitely helps to have extra eyes on these sorts of things!
I’m working on Chapters 8 & 9, which will bring the first quarter of the story to a close. You’ll get some case analysis and another courtroom scene (and you’ll meet the crow prosecutor). Those chapters will basically bring “Day 0” to a close. The table will be set, and I have the rest of the pacing down now, with short chapter summaries already sketched out in my notes.
The second quarter of the story will follow the events of Days 1-3.
The third quarter of the story will follow the events of Days 4-6.
And the final quarter of the story will be focused entirely on Day 7, the trial.
I’m still aiming to have the story in private beta testing by Labor Day/beginning of Sept.
Okay I’m here to ask peoples’ opinions on possible romances. I have went back and forth on it, but now I’m leaning toward it again, because some (subtle) attraction(s) could actually help amp up the tension and conflict if done right. It also provides a “pull” for the MC to want to spend time with them even if doing so is not in Serena’s best interest. But then there is also the issue of…they are birds. So a “romance” is going to be very nuanced and mostly based on dialogue, common values, and chemistry. (Which is really what a romance should be based on, when I think about it)
I’m leaning toward MC being potentially (player’s choice) attracted to the mysterious new crow prosecutor, who is all slick and charismatic and very clever. But I was also thinking, based on the Ayvex Chapter 7 scenes, would anyone’s MC be at least on some level “attracted” to her? I could potentially make both the crow and Ayvex gender-flippable to create more flexibility and options, here, with Sorin and Conk staying as gender-locked characters.
So poll time…
What path would you like to see me take?
I would like Ayvex as a potential romantic interest.
I would like the crow as a potential romantic interest, just based on how Eric describes the character
I would like them both as potential romantic interests.
Since they are birds, I really wouldn’t “get into” a romance, so I don’t think it’s important.
The story doesn’t need a romantic element. Stick to the legal stuff and the danger.
So poll results as of now are 72/28 percent in favor of some sort of romance. I think I’ll slip in a romance option in for the MC for the crow at least, sort of a slow burn that could carry over if/when I do another of these (will be decided by sales).
I’ll have to think more about Ayvex, as her position in the story is a bit more complicated.
Chapter 8 and 9 should be posted soon, hopefully by Sunday or early next week! Depends on how productive my weekend is.
I know this should go without saying, but when this releases you will be promoting it on the Always Sunny in Philadelphia subreddit, right? They’ll go nuts for this.
Charlie in Always Sunny always calls himself an expert in bird law. It’s a running gag that generates a fair amount of of Always Sunny memes and stuff. Since your game is literally a bird law game I bet some people would be intrigued based on that alone.
Well thanks for bringing that to my attention! It’s definitely one of those “If I had more time I might want to check out that show” type of shows, so maybe I’ll have to watch a few episodes. So now I have a potential audience of birdwatchers, legal nerds, and ASIP fans. Quite the coalition!
Speaking about Ayvex, i’d personally would love her to be gender-flippable though if you are indeed implementing some romance aspects in it. Based on the interaction in chapter 6, she sounds badass and amazing.
Also, just like @Lan, i found the exact same false quotation marks placements and also in one scene where Sorin asked for “beseechment” or something from Serena, and there were options for us to either stop the abuse hurled at her by doing it physically, verbally calm down the situation by representing for her, and one other option i forgot and the typo was you wrote Sorena instead of Serena. Forgot to take a screenshot of that particular typo so i’m just describing it out lol. But other than that, the flow & plot of the story is really good It’s also very creative of you to create this world & lore where Birds function like humans but they have more of like “The Purge” ritual happening every month lol
oh, and before i forget are Sorin & Conk a potential RO as well? Because i remember Sorin saying he’s got a wife but then you said
and said goodbye to GoT and TBBT.
It’s also very creative of you to create this world & lore where Birds function like humans but they have more of like “The Purge” ritual happening every month lol