I hear in NJ anything that launches something is considered a firearm and banned, meanwhile we have other states that have the right to guns in their constitution. I need to check my state 
Oh Iām just a tease.
Although now I want to read the game with Johnny Bravoās voiceā¦
Cant believe I just found this but damn is it goodš
You see everyone is Alphrius and I mean everyone you,me and everyone else in the thread is even if they donāt know it yet. For the Emporer
Iām in love.
Its true. California only allowed people who are 21+ to buy guns.
Holy moly. I love this and I love elves. This is fantastic. I know violence can be a touchy subject but this was so much fun and im deeply invested in all the main characters!
ā¦those death flags thoughā¦
Loran dies, I RIOT!
(JK of course but im so attached to her)
I also have to commend you on actually putting out a extremely meaty demo.
I think its the meatiest demo this year?
This is looking really good I can see this getting really dark really quickly, canāt wait to see that.
Oh a question, is your choice of being a dark elf or a normal elf going to affect the story in a significant way later on?
Oooh, love this. Loran is such a sweetheart and Orion seems to know a lot more than he lets on, which is makes you wonder how much heās not telling us. Iāve played most of the choices (except maybe the really vicious ones) and I like where this is going. Itās interesting to play an mc whoās already pretty powerful and confidant but has to deal with having lost a lot of that.
Just gotta bust out a character going all out on the evil, now. Time to drag out the character of my Sith Inquisitor from swtor, she was a raging bitch. And sheās got that whole āmad with powerā vibe goinā on. I think her personality would work well with an evil MC
MC is quite possibly the greatest drama queen in the known universe though, holy hell.
āā¦the likes of which left my ears forever defiled.ā Says the evil MAD SCIENTIST SORCERER chick. Honestly. And you gotta love the reaction to having a crush.
Character: Does something
MC: Has feelings about it
MC: 
I do feel bad for them, though. If THAT is MCāS first reaction to genuine affection towards (and from) another personā¦ Eesh. Maybe remembering the pastās not all itās cracked up to be?
Iām still working on some technical feedback, typos and suggestions. Stuff like that. Iāll post it once Iām done looking it over. Might take a while though, Iām kinda slow with this stuff but hopefully itāll be useful.
Seems good by summery
Oof, Finally! Hereās a bunch of suggestions I have and typos I found while reading. Iām by no means professional in the field of grammar, though, so I can tell if itās awkward but not neccessarily how or why. My explainations might not be the greatest because of that.
A gaping gash into my chest, tainting the snow red.
Later in the game you mention that one of the races we can play as has purpleish blood so until that comes up Iād cut out any mentions of color
I turned toward her a gaze full of resent she may not have deserved.
resentment
While I didnāt care much for the way she looked at me. I knew how prudish humans were
comma instead of period
Well, wonāt you look at that. Iāve never seen anything like that in a long life of getting people patched up.
in all my time patching people up flows better
It was nigh time to replace your bandages as well, Iāll cut them off."
It is high time your bandages were replaced
itās high time someone did something is how that expression goes. Pronouns , people, and verbs are interchangeable.
the much more primal imperative of hunger remembered itself to me
I remembered the much more primal imperative of hunger
The warmth of her smile left me helpless but melt away a part of my doubts
you sorta squish some expressions together. Maybe left me helpless but to ārelaxā or some other verb. meaning its all you could do. or her smiled helped melt awayā¦so on and so forth.
She poured some of the content into the bowl
contents
I only heard of elves in the tales my father told me when I was young.
Iāve only heard
They were a smoking hot pink, deep, dark pink.
Thereās a bit of repetitiveness going on here and besides that, this seems a bit strange. I think of Hot pink as a bright, neon tone and dark pink as a much richer, cooler color, like Fuschia or Magenta. Almost purple
Furnitures, a wall-mounted bear head, a pelt on the ground
Furniture. no s for plural
, taking out my frustrations onto my saviour was unbecoming.
On my savior. onto generally implies something being physically moved if there is no movement then use āonā.
āā¦ I thank you. However, I have not need of your pity.ā
no need
Let use discuss about your amnesia.
us. The āaboutā is redundant here so Iād drop it.
The marks seemed to fit the wounds you received, this confirms that you were attacked but thereās no explanation for the rust, you bled on it and spent some time in the water but it would take a lot of time for an armour to wither that badly.
Bit of a run on. Period instead of comma after rust.
Rings any bell?"
Ring any bells
. Thought you were going to go back into coma
into a coma
And as I was about to abandon, just as the door violently opened.
Abandon what? there needs to be a object that is being abandoned. Give up also works better here.
Her trepidation was clear as she jauntily trotted to the seat beside my bed.
Trepidation seems like an odd word choice. Trepidation implies some sort of nervousness or dread. Anticipation is more neutral
So Iāve made some research
done some research
reclaim my self.
myself, all one word
just as I was about to abandon, I did it.
same thing as above. there needs to be something being abandoned
I was about to smile, seeing the starstruck eyes of Loran, watching the flame with admirationā¦ If I didnāt scream first.
This feels oddly worded. maybe change āI was about toā āI would haveā and then ādidnāt screamā to āhadnāt screamedā. āI was about to smileā¦But I screamed firstā also works.
A second before the world turned to black
a second passed
careful watching for any kind of activity.
carefully
. I hesitated to meet them directly instead of spying on themā¦
I was hesitant
and there were no signs of other elves searching for one of them
āone of themā feels vague, even if itās easy to get what you mean. Iād suggest replacing āthemā with āTheir ownā.
youāre a child in awe before something she never saw before
āSheās never seen beforeā
āItās nothing like that!ā She lashed at him.
Lashed should be snapped. Lashing out at someone is a physical action, like hitting or kicking.
Instead of arguing upon things that are beyond our control,
arguing about things
With neither informations nor means,
neither information nor means
It seem our argument has no relevance anymoreā¦"
seems
words of her father brought a large, satisfied, a mite too cocky, smile
I donāt think that āaā in front of mite really belongs there since itās also in front of large.
These jumbled flashes were of no use at all, beside disturbing me.
besides
The citizens were weary of me at first, without surprise
I think you meant āWaryā. Weary means ātiredā, wary means āon guardā
To turn my words into blades that much sharper to make them do my bidding.
This sentence feels akward to me, (real helpful, I know) And I canāt quite articulate why. Iād suggest āTo sharpen my bladed words and make them do my bidding.ā It keeps the idea and helps the sentence flow much smoother. (Plus if our other interactions with Loran and Orion are anything to go by, Our words are already plenty sharp.)
But I did the best possible weapon out of the steel I had at disposition.
āā¦I made the bestā¦ā and āat my disposalā
I could tell it was the most beautiful weapon he ever saw
He had ever seen
few important decisions were taken without his assent
decicions were made
At first, I was rather sceptical
Skeptical
She could track preys
plural form of āpreyā has no āsā
So, the one with the most preys caught gets
same as above
something I could only hope of ever equalling.
ever should be moved between āonlyā and āhopeā
Ah! Like your clumsy hands could ever be a match to mine. Letās.
a match for mine
She quickly found her way through, and became a friend. Despite my initial wish to remain distant.
āmy defencesā or āmy Defensivenessā should come after through
I tried opening up to her, despite my reserves,
reservations
But for once, it seemed the day wasnāt as quiet as it seemed.
Iād drop one of these "seemed"s, probably the first one otherwise itās too repetetive
Like a bloodhound following the trail of a wounded prey.
āaā doesnāt need to be between āofā and āWoundedā
Do you expect anyone to give in to the heedless warning of
Heedless isnāt really the right word here because it implies the warning itself isnāt paying attention. āmeaninglessā fits better.
held it before me, leaving my power plain to see as of dark crimson and purple surrounded me
There seems to be some words missing between āasā and āofā a what of dark crimson and purple.
as I called onto shards of my arcane might I reclaimed,
āontoā should just be on because you arenāt actually moving something on top of something. āuponā would also work if you want to use the more archaic mode of speech (medieval fantasy and all that) and preserve that movement in the sentence. āReclaimedā should drop the āIā thatās before it and be moved between āmyā and āarcaneā
I only replicated in kind.
āreplicatedā should be āreciprocatedā. and because Reciprocated means āreturnd in kindā the āin kindā should be dropped.
A name came to mind, the heart-seeking rending spear.
ārending spearā should be capitalized as it is a name.
showing feline agility I didnāt thought her capable of.
didnāt think her capable of
finished casting another rending spear
Capatalization
hooking the blunt side of her knife at his ankle
knife on his ankle.
" I fixed with har eyes.
hard
Hey! This kind of things happens
these. Drop the āsā in happens
she couldnāt help to drop the act and laugh at this point.
help but drop
I offered him a factual report, going to the point.
Getting to the point
I told him all about the banditās attitude, justifying myself in attacking them before they did.
the end is a bit clunky. Iād either drop āthemā or change ādidā to āattacked usā
I never thought I could Orion looking even more serious
I would see Orion
it didnāt belong in this world, in the end of a mortal.
in the hands of a mortal
I never saw anything like itā¦
had never seen
want you to keep in mind that youāre in no way entitled to this, to the book, to the one you used to be
āEntitledā doesnāt really fit here. Itās our things and past why wouldnāt we be entitled to it. they belong to us. āObligated to do this, to use the book, to be the one you used to beā makes much more sense in context, if what heās trying to say is that we donāt have to be who we were.
Armed with metal, forming intricate, beautiful designs
āArmedā doesnāt really work here. āembellishedā or ādecoratedā is what youāre going for.
that which costed me everythingā¦
cost
There were many notes onto the page,
notes on the page. Onto would work with a verb such as āwrittenā or āScrawledā
at least thatās what the writings inspired me.
inspired in me
As long as I will be this way, I wouldnāt have access to the entire power that the grimoire would offer me.
as long as I am this way
Why didnāt they attack yet?"
why Havenāt they attacked
Realization dawned onto us both.
dawned on us
I could feel it permeate the very air around us a choking cloud that I perceived more acutely than Loran ever could
period after āusā
a buzzing tide threatening to make me go insane.
to drive me insane
I contained my unexplainable urge to laugh, the exultation of the return of my powers.
"unexplainable doesnāt really work here, as you immediately proceed to explain the urge. Iād suggest something along the lines of āI contained the urge to laugh in exultation at the return of my powersā
A slight itch onto my skin brought my attention to the dark lines that covered me
itch in my skin
They will suffer a hundred death
deaths
But Loran seems pretty averse to this kind of thingsā¦
drop the āsā in āthingsā or change āthisā to ātheseā
Iām going to kill each and everyone of them
and every one of them
a fury that belied her gentle features. āThis is my battle. Iām not going to seat it out.ā
to sit it out
So, a child she is no more.
she is a child no more
we ran to the centre of the town, like vengeful hellish hounds.
comma between āvengefulā and āhellishā
not trying in the slightest to sneak on them,
sneak up on
She seemed completely bewildered by the thought of doing neither of the actions her mind was torn between.
āneither of the actions her mind was torn betweenā sound a bit odd and over-long, especially since itās all easily replaced with āNothingā
Do you think you are forced to act in the face of a challenged
of a Challenge
sometimes the best course of action, is to not act.
no comma between āactionā and āisā
I asked whether she would have killed him instead.
would have Rather killed
the carcasses of villagers and bandits alike let flowed a tranquil river of blood
the corpses of villagers. Iād say āCarcassesā does work if you want to convey disdain, disrespect, or irreverence (Esp. if a character believes themselves superior whoeverās dead they way MC seems to with humans as a whole). Carcass generally refers to an animal, not a person, thatās all. You are technically correct (The best kind)
A few dozen steps onto the ignominious mass let use stand
let us stand
he held a threatening winged flail, such a dreadful weapon it was especially when coated with bloody shreds of flesh, and in his left he held a strange shield made in a diamond shape, sporting a sharp spike at one end to strike the enemy.
Run on sentence. comma between āwasā and āespeciallyā. Iād drop the comma and āandā after flesh and replace that with a period
But he, was undaunted.
Comma after he is unnessesary
all the while his flail wrapped over the otherās legs before pulling it from under him.
wrapped around the otherās ā¦ Pulling them out
Though he didnāt quite pleased the Quaesitor.
quite please the Quaesitor
while the two other fell screaming as a deep wound appeared across their chest.
āChestā should be plural
Orion took the occasion to rush forward, as well as his four allies.
āOrion and his four allies tookā¦ā would make this sentence flow better
Nonethelessā¦ I knew he was right, they had horses
nevertheless
I may not have fought this battle by his side, but at the very least, I shall make sure he comes out of it alive.
no comma after least nessesary. you also switch from past to present tense half way through the sentence
I weaved my hand in his direction, feeling threads of my magic launched forward to circle around him and penetrate his skin, strengthening, hardening.
I waved my hand ā¦ my magic Launching forward to circle
Donāt let the sorcerer escape! Bring him to me, dead or alive!" Five other soldiers immediately broke from the formation to move toward us, however carefully,
āHimā should be a variable for MCās gender.
the blade sliced through with as much is as if there was neither shields nor armour.
āWith as much isā should be removed
There is also a scene where we collapse and our nose starts bleeding (when we donāt insult or lash out at Loren for sparing the bandit) and it mentions crimson blood. If we are Malkyne this should be some sort of purple.
Every mention of Elikyne and Malkyne needs to be capitalized as they would be proper nouns.
And thatās it from me! Hope this is helpful:blush:
P.s. This forum is a format murdering monster. 
do you you think an option should be added where the mc basically becomes mentally a child do to amnesia?
I donāt think so. At least I didnāt plan to.
Yep. :3
Gonna read all that this afternoon.
The Shattered didnāt have a quiet life for sure.
Hey, mad scientists have feelings too. XD
Yeah. It will influence a part of your past. It will also influence the reactions of some characters to you, as well as give you a bonus in different stats.
I just love cliffhangers. XD
Police officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Driver: I accedently drove over that parked car back there with my tank?
Police officerā¦no, your missing your rear liscence plate. Please try not to run over cars in the future.
Driver: no promises but Iāll try
Police officer: good enough see you at the family picnic dad.
Currently working on the next update. It will probably be a small one, just to wrap up this chapter and begin working on the next. I donāt know how much time it will take with the next week being a wall of tests for meā¦ in classes I really canāt be bothered to understand. (Remember kids, too much maths will melt your brain!)
On that note, some self-advertising I forgot to add in case some people who didnāt know the Wight King before they read Shattered come around here:
Wow. This was amazing. Nice job!
That was really good.
And the focus on the protagonist being an elf is something I really like, usually in fantasy works here the attention is divided between multiple races, and it somewhat muddles what you can reference and say about the character. But with a set race and character it allows for much deeper storytelling.
Definetely approve.
Thank you for the compliment, itās always nice to hear people appreciate my work. 
Yeah. In this story itās pretty important for the plot that you are an elf. I donāt like games that give you a ton of races to choose from but makes them all not matter or very little (Looking at you Dawn of War 2 Retribution).
Iām not against a bit of variety though if the plot allows it. 
Hi, itās your conscious here. Your work is crap. Thank you for your time.
Filthy knife ears
Donāt really have a problem with dark elves.
Is it so we know how plumbing works?
I dub you Mario the dark elf.
Youāll show those filthy oomans whatās water pressure for.
Now I feel like someone named Conscious is watching over my shoulder when I work.
Honestly, everyone else has a problem with dark elves. The aquilean and ātop drawer elvesā especially.
Iām still working on an update for both the Wight King and Shattered, but because of tests and that Iām kinda ill it takes more time than I hoped. 
