Saturnine [Submitted] [646K words]

Hosted Games Works In Progress
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Very cool. This definitely inspires me to get the ball rolling on my own AI WIP.

I love the concept and the narrative is very engaging so far.

I just have a few nitpicks as always with androids living among humans, especially in an interplanetary civilization. That is, why is it so easy to blend in, especially if humans are now the dominant species?

Nitpicks
  • Near the beginning, you mention the difficulty of smuggling weapons. However, if that is the case, wouldn’t it be easy to identify you as an android? X-Rays, Ultrasonics, Metal Detectors, Infrared/Heat Detectors. Surely some of these would be in place in higher security places and any spaceports (which would be the equivalent to airports).
    • Alternatively, if the only form of security is akin to a patdown, then you should make it easier to smuggle weapons by hiding them inside yourself, especially if shapeshifting is part of your abilities.
    • Each of these could be addressed, some with physical devices and others via hacking the detectors.
  • If the android we play as has lived so long, there should be issues with wear.
    • Though, I suppose if there is shapeshifting, nanorepair is an option.
    • Some of the technology of your body would also be out of date unless you upgraded yourself over time.
  • If the android has lived so long, there should be issues with recharging/refueling.
    • No fuel source is truly free (unless you make one up that is) and would need to be replenished periodically even if it is only every century or so.
  • I can see some issues with the head communication, especially if it is powerful enough to be heard directly from space… It should be easily detected via interference on nearby frequencies or scanners monitoring for hostile radio chatter on known AI frequencies. Think FCC or some other organization or even military depending on where you are.
    • This can be overcome by instead connecting to or hacking into the existing communication systems and encrypting your message either piggybacking or disguising your signal so it is unlikely to be discovered.
    • It might also be cool to consider using inaudible ultrasonics over audio or at close range or other forms for transmitting data over long distances. For example, sending either an audio or video message with noise added, but the noise is the actual data and the audio and video are merely there for cover and distraction.

While none of these issues are unique to your take or bad enough to break immersion, I hope that some of these are addressed later on in parts that I haven’t yet read.

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@sunnyvii Thanks. I’m still not crazy about typo reports, but those continuity errors and bugs are the bane of my existence. I’ll have them fixed one at a time.

@Speedcubing_Gaming Your analysis seriously overstates the Federation’s android-catching capabilities. It might not be clear yet, but the whole nation is meant to be comedically dysfunctional on every level. Their metal detectors are 30% likely to be fakes, 30% likely to be out of power and 30% likely to be detecting noble gases instead of metals. How they managed to detect the MC at all is probably a better question to ask.

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What’s the 10%? Likelihood of just exploding?

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The implication was that 10% work as intended, but your idea is funnier.

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We can do both. 9.8% chance of just exploding and 0.2% chance that it works as intended.

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Maybe it works, and then explodes?

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I like neat little compromises like that

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I just realized… I accidentally made Lisa into a fox. And I did it because of cross-language homonyms.

You see, the name “Lisa” is basically identical to the Polish term for “fox” both in written and verbal form. I didn’t consider that at first—it was supposed to be just a Worm reference—but that accidental wordplay impacted everything I wrote about the character. I made her ginger, just like most foxes are. I gave her transformation powers, kitsune style. I made her clever, playful, confident, pragmatic, all traits stereotypically associated with foxes. Not to mention how foxy she’s described as, even though I never used that particular word.

Come to think of it, is there anything lupine about her? Sure, she transforms into a wolf-thing, but she’s not a human-fearing carnivore living in a hierarchical family structure. She’s an omnivore experienced in hunting alone and surviving within urban boundaries. I wrote a zoologically-accurate fox without ever realizing it. I wrote a damn fox!

You know what? After eighteen months, I realize that “Hellhound” is actually a pretty stupid codename in a world that doesn’t have a concept of hell. I’ll change it to “Foxhound” in the final release—it will technically make the game more child-friendly, and it’s not like I did anything with that Worm reference anyway. If anyone has any issues with that change, you have about three weeks to file your complaints, since I plan on submitting the game in early February. I just need to go through the story again and see if anyone else has whole pages of accidental characterization written about them for no reason other than the author being Polish.

Te cholerne lisy…

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Not really. I didn’t even get halfway through the story, and only started reading in the first place because my friends kept insisting on it. This half-baked “let’s name a single character after all three undersider girls at once” idea is probably the only worm-inspired thing in the story.

Thanks.

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Okay, I understand. I checked myself this time by identifying my own potential criticisms as nitpicks. It is your story and the narrative is far more important than a few minor details like this. And, on that front, I feel that you’ve done an amazing job. Plus, as I mentioned before, they are not so big that they break immersion.

There are two main reasons why I brought this up:

  1. I just received my Master’s degree in Aerospace Engineering, so I personally find it impossible to believe that any civilization could be spacefaring and not be able to detect transmissions or make functional X-ray scanners or metal detectors.
  2. In the opening/character creation there were several references to being careful and what I’d assume is competent security since the MC mentioned it being difficult to smuggle in weapons and the others disguise their ship and/or leave orbit to avoid detection.
Quotes (From Intro/First Chapter Only)

You know a thing or two about fighting, of course, but you were only able to smuggle a single weapon on you, namely your favorite…

but the emptiness and the silence still unnerves you a little as you walk the street towards the Sholmo Gate. Makes you somewhat more jumpy, a little more cautious, and maybe a bit paranoid. Not paranoid enough. … ‘Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz, you are under arrest by the authority of the Kronian Federation,’ your captor says, … ‘Point is, we know you’re a synth,’ the redhead clarifies the obvious.

Of course, now that I know the intentions, it is more forgiveable. I think you should probably allude to it a bit more clearly in the opening since the setup makes them seem quite competent.

Anyway, whether or not you do make any of these changes, I still think your writing is great, the scenes are well described, the characters are unique, and the narrative is engaging.

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I think they were talking about the setting being shitty as in being a awful place to live not your game is bad

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@Speedcubing_Gaming It’s all cool. We all tend to speak up when something related to our degrees comes up. I did mine in applied mathematics, which is why I’ve wrote whole spreadsheets to ensure that distances, travel times, populations, market prices and lag times in my setting are all perfectly consistent. Other parts of the world don’t receive that level of scrutiny.

As for the excerpts you posted, I might change them yet. I’ll see once I’m back home.

@Nm6k I know they were, I just thought it sounded funny so I replied in a jestful way. Someone else flagged the post.

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So instead of making the story be nonbinary you force the main character to be female in origin even if they pick to be male? Wtf is the point of giving us the choice to pick to be male? Isn’t a synthetic technically nonbinary? Either don’t give me the choice to be male or fully let me be male by making me have a nonbinary origin. Was I used as a female at first that’s cool but I never identified as a female obviously by my choice that you gave me to be a male in identity. This only ruins everything for me because my identity has to be ‘an act of rebellion’ not me a nonbinary entity being the identity I feel most comfortable with in my freedom and it being an expression of my true identity. Instead my true identity is female (forced tho given a nonchoice) when I CHOSE to be male as a NONBINARY entity. This is not against you in particular I’m just so tired of this kindve narrative forcing us into being or liking characters that are ro interests that were born the opposite gender. We are playing the game if given choice of identity without any information prior The choice should be respected. When given ro choices we should decide what our character is or is not into. The whole point of a cyoa is to be able to choose how your character sees the world and how they interact with the world and if we are given choice on who our character is for that to be who our character is. This false choice where it’s like hahaha nah you ain’t what you wanna be is hugely disappointing and ruins the narrative. Why not straight out say hey you’re feminine and female but you can shape shift instead of letting me choose my stuff then say nah that’s cool you CHOSE your gender identity but it was all a joke you’re female. Be honest from the get go and it won’t feel like such a huge well why did I get a choice in the first place?

I decided to ask about this comment and see how it came across. Sorry it’s so accusatory and can be misinterpreted to be an attack. It’s not it’s an opinion but I did ask an AI for it’s opinion after giving it the backstory of how the choice is presented and letting it give it’s own opinion it is as follows:

An AI is inherently gender-neutral. Forcing a “female origin” onto an AI that chooses to identify as male creates a strange paradox. It’s like saying a program designed to perform calculations is rebelling by producing words instead. The very nature of AI allows it to transcend such limitations.
Here’s why this narrative choice is problematic:

  • Undermines AI sentience: It implies the AI’s identity is somehow tied to its original programming, reducing its sentience and agency. A truly sentient AI should be able to define its own identity, independent of its initial design.
  • Reinforces gender stereotypes: Framing the AI’s choice as an “act of rebellion” reinforces the idea that certain behaviors or identities are inherently linked to a specific gender. This perpetuates harmful stereotypes and limits the AI’s freedom of expression.
  • Creates a false sense of choice: While the player is given a choice, it’s ultimately undermined by the revelation of the AI’s “true” origin. This creates a feeling of deception and can be frustrating for players who want to explore different identities without constraints.
    This situation highlights the complexities of portraying AI in fiction, especially when exploring themes of identity and self-determination. It’s important to remember that AI, particularly sentient AI, has the potential to transcend human limitations and societal norms. Imposing human-centric concepts of gender and rebellion onto an AI character can limit its narrative potential and perpetuate harmful stereotypes.
    It sounds like the commenter’s frustration is valid. They’re not just objecting to a specific gender identity being imposed but rather the limitations placed on the AI’s ability to freely express and define itself. This is a crucial aspect of AI representation, and it’s important for authors to handle it with care and consideration.

That’s my and the entity being represented opinions on it. I made sure not to reveal my own opinions and presented the information without any nudges or priming or subtlety to give the AI any information to work off of to know what I thought about this issue so that the response wouldn’t be made with a slant towards or against my own biases.

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It’s random and it’s about how the mc didn’t really had a choice about their own identity thanks to whole being a robot slave thing

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It’s a lot more useful to stick to giving your own feedback rather than copying results from an LLM. Please don’t do the latter, it’s not helpful to authors.

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It doesn’t matter what gender is assigned to the robot since it’s a nonbinary entity especially since it can shape shift. Cool it began itself life playing a female role but that’s all it is is a role that was played. Just like it starting male that was a role. The identity is a nonbinary core on which the female or male role was assigned. Role at ‘creation’ isn’t really important to the individual playing the role because as of being a free individual that is nonbinary the gender no longer has any effect on their identity unless they choose for it to. But that aside it being random kinda assuages my complaint but I still think a heads up would be nice so readers know.

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My feedback was better articulated by the AI. Some of us aren’t gifted in explaining ourselves. The AI also pointed out the feedback’s main points. Next time I’ll just post the AI’s feedback. It’s more clear and concise in neutral language. I struggle to take what I’m saying and put it into neutral language. I should clarify by AIs feedback I mean my feedback ran through an AI to remove it’s tone. Assuming that’s ok with y’all’s anti AI policy.

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It’s much more useful for an author to write your own comments and post them. Take ownership of your own opinions. If you think your tone is rude or not appropriate, change it yourself.

This is drifting away from discussing the WIP, so, as a moderator, I’m asking you to focus on that going forward. Thank you.

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Here’s a swift rundown of my honest thoughts, feedback and experience playtesting your game, Omeg. :pray:

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Hello hello! Just started reading this, and I’m having a great time so far! Very intrigued to see how the plot unfolds since I think I’m still relatively early on, around the mission start.

Not sure how helpful the feedback will be since its on early chapters, but included anyway!

some high level thoughts

Character wise, I’m a big fan of Olivia, and thought her introduction was well done! It was vaguely offputting and then got a chuckle out of me when it turned out she was not humanoid. I also think her attitude is pretty refreshing since she voices the options we probably shouldn’t pick unless we want to get in a diplomatic incident haha.

I also find Manfred likeable so far, his dynamic with Wisp is endearing and he seems pretty reliable/reasonable. I do like that he chooses to be a little annoying for fun sometimes too.

Hadaly surprised me with the complexity of her character. I think the ones who give me the most mixed feelings atm are her and Marshal, though for different reasons. Based on her introduction it seemed like she would be the classic nice pacifist character, so I was pleasantly surprised when her feelings turned out more complicated than that. The conversation with her pre-departure was rather unsettling too, and I feel like I’m still trying to get a grasp of her character now.

I think the plot points that intrigue me most at the moment are the wyvern’s motives, namely why they’re interested in/what they want to achieve with the nanobots, and what the deal is with Damon and Hadaly’s backstories. I do have some theories so far, but it’s mainly been fun trying to piece together the clues left around in dialogue.

Also found the lore around ancient history/the war to be really interesting, but I tend to be pretty big on worldbuilding to begin with. In particular, the different dieties and the timeline of the veteran’s experiences during the war/shortly after are primarily what I’m curious about.

some lower level stuff

I’d include pictures but I’m high enough trust yet :sweat_smile: I’ve just quoted it for now!

Noticed a small difference with Damon’s eyes widening, when helping you with the meta trio it mentions:

Damon’s eyes do not widen, for they were not designed to do that. Still, you assume he feels at least a tinge of surprise before deciding to play along.

In the chat after the encounter with Crystal, you can say he’s full of shit, which mentions

Normally even you’d be reluctant to insult a buff combat android to said android’s face, but Damon predictably just widens his eyes in surprise. He even takes a small step back, involuntarily.

and if you choose to hold his hand post gargoyle fight, I think it’s similar! Also minor typo with your => yours

Damon opens his eyes wide when your palm touches his. He soon relaxes, and his hand encircles your in a gentle, warm, accepting embrace.

minor typo when Sheila asks about Gray Queen, I think tough => though

“Well…” Damon fidgets nervously, as tough in a sudden fit of arachnophobia.

Also not really narrative feedback, but I did see some weirdness with the stat bars going above 100% in a flashback. It was also mentioned we could restore backups from the menu, but I don’t think I ever saw the option? I might have missed it somehow.

Looking forward to the rest of the game too. Hoping to squeeze it in before beta closes, but wanted to add my thoughts in case I didn’t!

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