Rise of Etrea: The Royal Spy (WIP)

Hi! I’ve been toying with this idea for a while and I decided it was time to take the plunge and post a demo.

Synopsis: You are the eldest child of House Venali the ruling house of Etrea, after centuries of political isolation from the world around your county you are chosen for a prophecy predicting the rise and expansion of your home. So a plan is hatched:

A war will be waged, it will be violent and bloody. And you, you will be working on taking the world from the inside. Your mission is to use the ensuing chaos to manipulate and control the naive heir to Avralux, one of the most influential kingdoms of the known world.

Will you fulfill your destiny as ordered? Or will you break the chains of tradition and change you and your kingdom’s destiny?

RO's

Aurelious/Lianna- The naive heir to Avralux, and potentially one of the most powerful people in the world.
Ritar/Eirina- A powerful mage and your Champion. Chosen and trained from birth to be your most trustworthy adviser and ally.
Alistair- An experienced knight who recently pledged his service to the King of Avralux.
Maeve- An ambitious diplomat known for her quick wit and polite nature.
Jaspar/Kathika- A travelling cleric for the the Church of the All-Seeing

Demo

Updates

7/31/19:
Posted Demo

165 Likes

Great! Awesome! I was a bit confused with the ‘Of course’, you think looking back at the mage woman, ‘If it wouldn’t that painful if I had to.’ When the mage person visits you in your dream, but i’m probably just dumb.

2 Likes

I gotta say. I like it! You’ve done a great job with personality choices and such. I really feel the PC! the chapters feel a lil fleeting but hey, better short and sweet than long and…not…sweet…

Cis male

Despite the mistakes in the pronouns, I feel like you’re shoving us too much and assumed we already know the lore. Who is the mage? Who are the Warmasters? Who is referred by us by the next queen / high general? I don’t even know if that last one is a choice between your present parent or my gender, so I dropped after that.

9 Likes

Hahaha I shall conquer the male mage lol

3 Likes

So…this seems like a very interesting idea. I look forward to getting to know the plot better.

That said, I had to restart, because I thought the first choice was to set my own gender. There was no indication that it was not for myself. In addition, the syntax and pronouns for the second choice, as indicated above, made no sense.

The chapters are insanely short, being only a couple of pages long, each. That’s certainly a stylistic choice for yourself, but I know it’s kind of jarring for people used to the 5-10k word chapters common in Cscript games.

In addition, it kind of feels like we’re thrown to the wolves in regards to plot. I don’t hate the idea of learning the plot as one goes, however, this is a bit much. A ton of terms we have no familiarity with are thrown out all at once.

I know this is a lot of constructive criticism all at once, but I only say it, because I think you have a good start, here.

17 Likes

This was interesting. I like the idea of playing the manipulative character beside the royal figure, and I enjoyed being able to have a more cynical personality compared to the naive prince. Both the prince and the mage seem interesting as does the setting. I also liked the short chapters, although I’m curious as to how many there will be.

I have to agree with the others that terms and characters are thrown at the player without any explanation, like the invasion/traveling with the prince or how Etrea is only briefly brought up in an option. Another minor example would be the mage’s name – the MC knows their name the entire time, but it’s only brought up pages afterward. That warmaster choice was also very confusing in both how it was worded and the fact that all the other choices before this were from the MC’s perspective.

Typos and other stuff I saw

Warning bells were tolling and the heavy footfalls alerting you to attack.
Add “were” after “footfalls”.

You open your eyes and stare into the fire, only for a moment before drifting to your nearby companion.
The previous sentences when around the campfire are in the past tense but then it shifts to present. Also, the placement of “only for a moment” seems slightly awkward.

And despite, or perhaps because of that you look around for something to dispatch the guards.
Add a comma after “that”.

A sword from one of the prince’s dead guard.
“guard” should be “guards”.

A shortbow and quiver, on a nearby dead man.
Remove the comma.

A set of combat daggers that look to be finely made.
The other two choices say where the MC takes them from, but this one doesn’t.

You quickly swipe it from the grip of the dead man and then slowly move forward.
I noticed the word “quickly” three times in this paragraph. I’d remove two of them to avoid repetition.

The invaders don’t notice you until one already has your blade inside them, when you remove it the first soldier fall dead.
“fall” should be “falls”. Perhaps cut out either the “one already has your blade inside them” part or the “when you remove it” part that the battle feels more fast moving (so it could be something like “The invaders don’t notice you until one already has your blade inside them.” or “The invaders don’t notice you until the first soldier falls dead.”).

However, after a few erratic swings from the second soldier you quickly bury your blade into his side.
I’d remove “however” to again make the battle feel more fast pace.

“I realize you need your beauty rest, Majesty, but shouldn’t we be running away from the invading soldiers right about now?”
Add “Your” before “Majesty”.

His eyes lock on the bodies, but he follows you away from the danger of his home.
Add “to” after “on”.

The prince continues his restless sleep until it’s his time to watch
Add a period at the end.

Looking around you are in your room, the fireplace crackles to fill the silence that always permeated your room.
“crackles” should be “crackling”, “permeated” seems like it should be “permeates” as well.

And then you start as you see a tall shadow watching you from the end of your bed.
I’d reword this so it doesn’t begin with “And then” – that way both the MC and the player notice the shadow at the same time instead of the player being forewarned by the “then”.

Back as far as you can and feel for the weapon you keep under your pillow.
Add “up” after “back”.

Make a shrieking sound, and jump of the bed.
Remove the comma, “of” should be “off”.

You look closer at the figure and then smirked,
“smirked” should be “smirk”.

The shadow hardened, and the familiar figure you addressed looked around at the lavishly decorated bedroom, "I admit some curiosity, but I chose this place under the assumtion that you would find comfort here.
“hardened” should be “hardens”, “looked” should be “looks”, “assumtion” should be “assumption”.

Not that you wouldn’t mind, your mage is a very handsome man.
Change “wouldn’t” to “would”.

‘Of course’, you think looking back at the mage woman, ‘If it wouldn’t that painful if I had to.’
Change “If it wouldn’t that” to “It wouldn’t be”.

You see almost a small bit of relief, in the woman’s features as you move your business to a professional setting.
Remove the comma.

As always he carried himself stiffly, his perfect posture giving him a regal bearing that even you struggled with.
“carried” should be “carries”, “struggled” should be “struggle”.

Your observation ends with his lighting colored eyes.
Is “lightng” supposed to be “lightning”? And does that mean his eyes are white?

He raises a brow, “Should you begin your report?”
I’d change “Should” to “Shouldn’t”.

Ritar nods in approval, it’s good that you are gaining the Warmasters approval with this campaign, you mother was not as diplomatic as she could have been, it would not be beneficial for you to have opposition for your title," he pauses for a moment, before eyes softened, “What about you, my Prince? I have sensed stress.”
Not sure where Ritar is speaking due to missing quotation marks. Also you may want to reword “I have sensed stress” so it flows better.

Your cheeks redden at his concern, “I’m well Ritar. A little tired perhaps, but otherwise fine.”
A lot of these options in this choice feel similar and like they can be condensed down.

You feel a small hint of surprise, you never expected him to ask, nevertheless you have already have a fake one for your cover as a servant.
I’d divide this sentence into two.

And as your names pass through your mind unbidden you realize one other thing,
I would divide this sentence as well.

Looking forward to chapter 3! :relaxed:

5 Likes

Is the mc gender locked to female or it that just a bug right now i would point out typos and things saw but everyone else beat me to it

1 Like

Its defiently an interesting premise and I always look forward to fantasy spy games. I do hope the pronoun issue for the prince/ss is fixed, as I had not only her instead of she multiple places but also she and him in the same sentence. It would be kind of nice to include a non-binary option for the PC but that’s just an opinion.
I agree that we are thrown headfirst into things plot wise, it might be nice to have a sort of prologue or scene set-up to explain what’s happening. I was a bit confused when we were directly set into an action scene with no previous explanation of the plan or why we’re there. Like I said, I’m sure itll be a great game once all the edges are buffed out but for now it has potential

5 Likes

Seem interesting so far. From the description alone, Alistair remind me Alistair from Dragon Age: Origins. I do find it weird (probably just me) that we were able to choose our ranking first to determine our gender. Female > Queen. Male > High General.

Also as mentioned above, I felt like the lore doesn’t get mention as often, like who’s exactly are these Warmasters? What do they do? I would like an option to be able to choose our parents or at least differences between the latter. (Male > King, Female > High General, etc.)

Summary




Like said above, the pronouns (and punctuations) are wrong. I chose an Princess, should be she/her pronouns.

I might be nitpicking here, but I don’t think “and” should be a sentence starter.

shouldn’t have an s.

I would suggest to call the first chapter a prologue , it’s a little too short to be called a chapter maybe even add the part of customization in the prologue

I actually like being thrown straight into the action, gives me the on edge, have to always be prepared for anything feel. That said, maybe once we setup camp we could reminisce about how we got where we are to catch us (the readers) up to what the MC knows, and acquaint us with the lore.

5 Likes

It’s a cool premise and an interesting premise. But please clean up the whole gender select thing.

Definitely looking forward to more though

1 Like

This wip definitely has potential, but at first it seems slightly confusing, but despite the grammar mistakes and chapters that i think sounded better in a prologue (my opinion), I liked it. I love spy court intrigue stories and you have a lot of possibilities with this one.

Thanks to everyone who’s offered advice and constructive criticism I’m grateful that so many people are willing to help! This is my first time working with gender switching NPC’s so I apologize for all the pronoun mistakes and I promise that they’ll be fixed by the next update

15 Likes

Apart from the lighting-fast pace and the errors that have already been pointed out, I thought this was a really fun demo!

1 Like

One thing I noticed was that it takes pretty long to go to one chapter from another. It loads for at least 3-4 seconds. [Edit: nope, scratch that. It’s actually 9-16 seconds.]
This, perhaps not as big of an issue now, will become more problematic when you add more chapters. I don’t know if it’s a coding thing but if so, could the loading time be reduced? Also, as others have already mentioned, expanding more on some of the terms would be preferable.
Other than that, I found the demo pretty fun to play. It’s not that big, but it’s definitely promising. Definitely going to romance the naive prince when I get the chance.
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