(Planes: Book 1) Supernatural WIP, Minor Update: March 19, 2018

Hey, hi, hello. I know I said I’d post about the demo as soon as the intro was complete and it was on DashingDon, but I already posted it HERE for a friend to help me test it for errors.

The prologue isn’t completed yet, and I’m still working on introducing the basic lore into the story, but this is what I have so far. I write and make minor updates everyday, but I’ll announce major updates on here. Thanks for reading, any and all feedback is appreciated!

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So when I got the page where you choose your name or make your own, If clicked on the last choice to name yourself, this pop up. (Edit: I also got the same problem when choosing the other names too)

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This looks cool, cant wait to see what happens. Also I love the fact you can use little charms and mystical little things like that

Fixed it! I apparently put in {!firstname} instead of !{firstname} at the beginning of the next label :smiley:

Glad you’re enjoying it so far! You’ll have the chance to use (and possibly make) simple charms and potions. The making part needs me to finish the in-game magical reference page, which is slowly but surely coming along.

Yay! I’m gonna be a wizard! :grinning:

You’ll also have the chance to be unofficially apprenticed to one! His name as of now is Eddie, and at any given moment, it’s safe to assume he’s drunk. The plan right now is to give the player opportunities to raise skills with him and learn new ones during “breaks” in the main plot, basic charm and potion making to be one of them.

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I thought of this the second I heard he was drunk

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Yes, perfect, that’s Eddie and alcohol near anything with magical properties in a nutshell. Make sure he doesn’t have too much alcohol for his own good (and yours cause there’s a “How drunk is Eddie” dice roll occasionally, and other “how are your teammates and your relationship with them” dice rolls. Though not too often, so don’t worry)

This just keeps getting better every second. Keep up the good work! :+1:

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Some (a) typo report, here.


And just a thought from me, but being thrown with questions of appearance at beginning (especially when there’s nothing much has happened) is just… irks me wrong :confused:

IDK, perhaps it’s just me.

Especially when we got the option to call our granny as gran/granny/grandmother/uglyoldwoman feels… mundane.

I think the more seamless way to introduce this choice is like this

Your granny calls you from the kitchen. If you don't answer her immediately,
the neighborhood will surely be crowded by her shouting.

*choice
   #"Coming, granma."
   #"I'm coming, gran."
   #Here we go again. That uglyoldwoman.
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LOL @ those choices.

Thanks for pointing out the typo! And I’m definitely working on the pacing, how I’m presenting the choices, and which customization options I’m keeping and which might possibly be scratched. This first chapter is all about building the MC and I’m still working on the best way to introduce the main plot.

As for the choosing what to call your grandma thing, it’s cause English isn’t my native tongue (and it isn’t my beta tester friend’s either) so I included that bit mainly for immersion purposes.

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I have no problems with the appearance ones, but the question about what we call our grandmother seems a little pointless. I think the worst, though, is the question about what our grandmother calls her flower shop/bakery, which is completely arbitrary.

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Naa, it’s fine :ok_hand:t4:
Each author has their own style, including pacing. Besides, I just represent only a minor part of your fanbase. :point_down:t4:


But yea… I guess you can scratch the granny part :thinking:
I don’t think being unable to choose how we call our granny is immersion breaking.

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New update! I reworked the beginning a bit, now instead of taking it nice and slow for the first chapter or so, you’re almost immediately told about Blake’s unfortunate fate :smiley: Currently working on the actual action. I hope to have that part done this week. (@The Universe: please be nice to me)

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Oh sweet! We can choose our other half now? :smiley:

Yup! And if you choose to be a half Angel you’ll later get to specify which kind (Cherub, Archangel, etc) when I finalize the stats, Each one will give you a slight bonus to a stat and characters will haves slightly different responses to each!

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Poor Blake. :cry: But I still don’t really know anything about him, so choosing whether to make him a dead boyfriend or not is a little difficult… :confused: Just to reiterate what I said before, though, if we’re given the option of being romantically involved with him, it would probably be best if there were some endings (not necessarily all) where he can be saved.

As an aside, how old are the characters approximately? I’m assuming late teens, although I guess they could be early twenties and still at University.

Typos

The world we see in front of us exists in planes, unofficially dubbed Planes of Existence or Planes of Vision by it’s many and diverse inhabitants.

Should be “its” (without the apostrophe).

Planes follow a few simple rules;

Should end with a colon ( : ), rather than a semicolon, as it begins a list.

those living in the Plane of the Mundane (humans) who can be seen by all but can not see others.

Although “can not” is not technically incorrect, “cannot” is far more usually used in most cases (including this one).

that being too nosey and curious, will eventually be the death of you.

No comma here.

The radio alram clock you have set up on your nightstand is too loud for your ears at this hour.

“Alarm”.

There is absolutly no pattern to whose being targeted. Everyone’s affraid they might be next.

“Absolutely” and “afraid”.

The Golden Florist’s…
The Angel’s Place Florist’s…
Cyan Florist’s…

Still think there’s no reason whatsoever to choose the shop’s name. Either it’ll have no point whatsoever to the choice, or if it does, the outcome couldn’t be anything but arbitrary. Either way, it feels more immersion-breaking than helping.

Muntaha
Layla
Dana
Adam
Andrew
James

These names seem to be rather weirdly chosen. As far as I can tell, we have two Arabic girls’ names (one very rare, the other far more common), and three Biblical boys’ names (plus Dana, which can be another Arabic girls’ name, but has other etymologies, and can also be used as a masculine or gender-neutral name, too). Is there any reason why you chose these names specifically?

You’ve always went to the same school, had a lot of the same classes, always hang out together and have sleepovers often.

The tenses in this sentence need a bit of work… :grimacing:

Everyday, I lean that my English skills are worse than I originally thought OTL

Hmmmmm, perhaps it would be better to make Blake just a friend at first and build up a romance with them as the story progresses. Hmmmmmmm.

And tbh the names sound weird cause they are randomly chose ones I personally know (I know more Arabic girl names than I do boy ones and I can never properly remember English names, like at all :woman_shrugging:) I’ll finalize the selection by the next update!

Thanks for pointing out the mistakes, I’ll get started on them right away!

You ever think you’ve been writing and editing and taking notes for hours only to actually look at a clock and see that it’s actually been like 20 minutes? :slight_smile:

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Honestly, the only time that I actually think this is when I’m at school or other places that I don’t really want to be.