Phasma-WIP (09/29/17)

Hey everyone. :smiley:

I’ve finished modifying the first chapter, I hope you like it.

If you notice any spelling or grammatical mistakes, please tell me.

New link (09/29/17)
https://dashingdon.com/go/1275

Plot

Summary

Since you have memory, you remember that your father abandoned you and your mother for an unknown reason. Since then you have worked as hard as you could to have the best life you could.
But while returning late from college one day, you encounter a man that tries to kill you.
You discover your hidden roots and are thrust into dangerous and wondrous situations.

What will you do with your new role?
What will happen now that you’ve discovered your true abilities?
Will you follow in the footsteps of your father or of the ancient Demon Lords?

It all depends on you.

Note: I’ll probably change the plot description since I don’t like it.

Updates

Summary
  • Finished modifying the introduction

  • Finished modifying the first chapter

  • Fixed grammar, spaces and spelling mistakes (09/29/17)

Future Updates or Changes

Summary
  • I’ll add 8 more cartoon-like drawings

  • I’ll add 10 manga-like drawings (This will take much more time)

  • I’ll still modify the spaces since they are far from perfect

  • I’ll add more to the introduction

Original link (03/07/17):
https://dl.dropbox.com/s/ahuhgasszxtsf13/The%20Demon%20Lord.html?dl=0951

Thanks for reading! :grin:

74 Likes

I recommend you link your game to DashingDon instead of Dropbox - right now the player has to download it to play :confused: DashingDon is a lot better, plus it actually supports ChoiceScript games.

15 Likes

Mmkay, you’re gonna need to seperate those paragraphs first and foremost, also when choosing the nb option instead of “you are the most popular Unknown” perhaps use “person”.

As for the pacing, I felt that everything flew by so quickly. Like at first we cant remember anything then suddenly the next page negates that. So it felt rather pointless to even have that first page. Maybe space out that time a little!

You also told us how we felt way too often, I would have liked to choose that instead at times.

Thats it for now. Your idea could be interesting. I wonder how our newly gained status will affect our relationships etc
Edit: spelling :confounded:

5 Likes

Thanks, I’ll check it out and put a DashingDon link as well.

2 Likes

Thanks
This is really helpful.

Most of what I’m going to say pretty much falls in line with @BoisterousBumblebee. Firstly your pace was incredibly fast and I didn’t really get to enjoy anything cause I felt like I was being hit by everything all at once. The Demonlord part should shock us a bit but I literally read it like any other line.

Also when it comes to the lord part, I personally would like for a bit more on that. If we have time to ask him all these questions then I feel like we have time for him to clarify and slow down with this news.

Grammar wise . . . I’m not gonna get into that but you do need to seriously look that over.

Also I chose that I’m a girl and the figure, Death I think, referred to me as the son.

The idea I’m liking but I do feel like it needs work. Interested to see where you go.

5 Likes

Going to need a bit of a description about the game to get us interested

And I can’t open it so yeah can’t play it

Thanks for the comment.

Hmm, hmm, hmm. I think we all agree here that Dropbox is hard on most users and that dashingdon is the best place to put it. Worry not my dear for it is easy to use. It does indeed feel rather rushed, as others pointed out, but that can easily be remedied. Fleshing out a story takes time(good lord would I know it :expressionless:) and I don’t blame you for this first draft. I recommend writing it out first as a plot, detailing out who is what and what is where. Figure out your major points and stories, then build around it. Kinda like… a house. Gotta lay the foundation before you start to build.(sorry if you have brainstormed and all that, I just kinda took away that you haven’t from what I read.)

Spelling errors are a common plague upon all writers so meh, grammar is rude to us too sometimes so meh. Paragraph structure needs some work. I recommend 5-6 sentences per paragraph, and about 3-5 a page unless you have a quick choice or fight scene. If you don’t mind me asking, is this your first written work? It’s cool if it is, we all start somewhere, but I recommend reading guides and studying up on different types of writing to find your style so you can better accommodate the story into it.

The last comment I read says they need some incentive to play, and as for me I don’t care, but it would really help if you included a small summary of the story. Because from what I’ve read it has potential, just needs a little TLC and elbow grease. I’m always up for helping btw so if you want specific guides or tips I have a whole board on my pintrist dedicated to it, just DM me for it. I BELIEVE IN YOU!!! :heart:

11 Likes

I agree it definitely has potential. Kinda reminds me of a few pretty good animes too so it just gives it a cherry on top.

1 Like

Thanks for your kindness.
I’ll take your words to heart and try everything you’ve told me

3 Likes

Looks pretty interesting, I’ll have to see how it goes but I like it so far.

1 Like

The idea itself, while basically just the reverse of typical ‘heroes’ descendant’ stories, is solid. It allows you to present an opportunity to do morally dubious choices, please don’t forget to take advantage of that.

The pacing feels kinda rushed, it would be better(in my opinion) to put some kind of ‘filler’ between situations, but not too much that it became a purple prose.

I can’t comment on the character, because when this comment was made, the only character introduced is your uncle and sister, also it’s only chapter one XD, there has been no chance nor need for character development as early as that.

The way you write is good, but it would be better if you seperate the paragraph clearly.

That’s all I can say upon the latest version (when this comment was made), I’m sorry in advance if I’ve pushed somekind of ‘Do not push’ button, or struck some nerve.

3 Likes

Thanks
I’ll try my best to make the intro less rushed.
I’m also going to definitely take the opportunity of making your character have the ability to make morally dubious choices.

1 Like

Interesting choice. I tried the moral choices in my game, when I realized that it is hard to gauge a person’s morality. It isnt simply, killing this person vs I won’t because killing is wrong. Someone could be a cold blooded killer and still have morals to a certain degree. Perhaps they hate animal violence or their victims are laid out with care. I’d be interested to see how you decided to write in moral dubious choices.

3 Likes

The only thing I can say is I’ll try my best :grinning:

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I hope it release soon lol I was actually expecting some more to feed …Nice one as far as character building is gone

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This has the potential to be a great story. So far you have captured my interest and have me looking forword to future developments.

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Man if I learn that the mother is a “hero” and I’m like the ultimate weapon I’m gonna buy a bicycle.

1 Like