This is really interesting! I look forward to see how the story goes!
Also, I noticed that the Lab assistant has the stats:
Primary Stat: Intelligence
Secondary: Dexterity
even though their wisdom (3) is higher than dexterity(2) ?
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Thank you. I caught that this morning. Sadly, I had fixed a bunch of the issues that people are reporting this morning but the updated file didn’t load to Dashingdon. I’m really glad you like it so far. I’ve got a pretty clear direction of where the story is going to go. I am hoping people stick with it since the Norse god characters aren’t going to be introduced till Chapters 3/4. I’m hoping the journey will be pretty satisfying.
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This feels like such a trivial thing, but for some reason it bothered me a lot. Sometimes I saw the words “through out” or “through-out,” but it’s just all one word: throughout. And there were some improperly placed quotations marks here and there, but I didn’t wanna say anything and be nitpicky since in the OP you said you’ve got editing covered.
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It’s cool. I’m just trying to power it through right now. My fiance is an English department chair at a HS. She teaches a course on grammar. I, unfortunately am not as good as she is. Thankfully though, she has agreed to go through my entire game as I write it. I told her when I was done with the first chapter I was gonna give it to her for proof reading. Gower sent me a buncha things that I’m gonna fix now. All the little catches are helpful and will make me a better writer.
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I can’t make heads or tails of the reincarnation process. The first page says bodies are grown over months, and some lines seem to imply that the mind is the only thing that carries over, but the process itself seems to be using nanomachines to rebuild your body while you’re still in it. On the other hand, this line
Only individuals who carry the most adaptive genes are allowed to breed or survive.
implies that your DNA carries over, even though you’re choosing features (height, hair colour) that would normally be genetic.
The player is sick and dying.
The society is authoritarian.
The outside world is inhospitable.
These things are clear within the first few pages, but the game keeps reiterating them. The line “the real death” gets the worst of this. It started to grate on me the second time, and it just kept coming up. With the ambiguity of the reincarnation, it isn’t even clear what an “unreal death” would refer to.
The character creation drags on for over four thousand words. By the end of it I was just going with the first option at each choice to try and get through it faster. You could trim out the meaningless option to defy the acolyte. You could also remove the “Are you sure” pages after interest and hobby selection. It’s so early in the game that I could just restart if I made a mistake.
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Ok, good. That must be really convenient, being with someone who knows how to point out all the little grammatical errors and stuff. Also, congratulation on the engagement, however long ago that happened.
Also, I’ve been meaning to ask – what exactly do Norse mythological figures have to do with this world? Is it a world where those gods created the universe, and the weather is punishment for how humans have treated Earth? Or, have the gods decided that they wanna wipe the creation slate clean and push the “restart” button on the human race, so the storms are the means to that end? Or, is the most logical explanation true, and the weather is a result of the environmental damage humanity has caused, but the gods have no interest in helping us? (Or, perhaps humanity’s salvation is out of even their control?) Are they the almighty, all-powerful Authorities everyone fears? Are they the ones who gave humans the ability to reincarnate?
Or will this all be explained in due time and I should just suck it up and be patient?
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The creation process is meant to add immersion into the text. Yes, it is long and I can stand to trim some of the code down but it was intentional. There is a lot of individualized text in the responses that is meant to shape your character. I am approaching this from the perspective of a roleplayer and someone who enjoys deep character customization. That is not for everyone. The text in the creation process is not just throw away text. It will be referenced in the next chapter.
Some of those plot points have not been revealed. However, you can imagine that if you die you can not undergo the transfer process right? If you die before your atma, 5d mental scan, and nanos can record everything, including ultimately your DNA matrix into a new body, then that’s it. Game over. The real death. You don’t get to pass go anymore. That’s why people in this society reference it. It’s the scariest thing that can possibly happen.
This is the first half of the first chapter. I’ve got a pretty clear direction I’m going with it. I’ll try and cut out some of the redundancy but if you’re just clicking through on the first option I don’t think you’re giving my world much of a chance.
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This will be explained. There are context clues in the creation process.
It is a major plot point in the story.
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Wow, an interesting demo for sure! I like the idea of mixing science/technology with mythology, though I do not yet see how the Norse gods come into the equation. From the current material I assume there’s some sort of conflict between the Authority of the domes (technology) and the mystical people (mythology?); I do wonder how our first companion the boy will fit in in all of this? I assume that he’s some kind of aristocrat in the domes 
Anyways, good work! I’ll be eagerly anticipating updates ~
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The premise sounds interesting! Will read the demo now.
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Not bad. The world is very interesting which is a feat given your short demo. I am eager to learn more, especially how Norse myth fits in with the world you’ve created.
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Your writing’s good. It’s also an extremely interesting premise.
But chargen is causing things to grind to a halt for me. I don’t know my character or the world enough to be assigning all these stats and I just lost interest at that point. I look at the stats screen and there’s just so many stats it’s overwhelming.
I’ve a short attention span at the best of times. I just can’t focus as I should and when it comes time to choose powers, I’ve no idea what they’ll do, or why I should, I’m about ready to throw my hands in the air and just give up. I don’t feel immersed enough in the story, and for all that I’ve just done a character generation, I’ve no real idea who my character is.
Okay it does get a bit more interesting after that.
Then I hit an error. chapter_1_scene_1 line 3162: Expected Choice Body
I think by far the best part of the demo is the stuff in the temple, and escaping it. Waking up on a slab, having choices to help people, or escape. That was far more exciting than everything before hand, which was really passive.
I’d suggest starting there. I’d suggest letting us pick our powers by actively using them as opposed to making a choice we don’t really understand. So lifting the boulder, or trying to clear an exit to get out. Let us pick with a concrete example of what our powers do.
Do you need all the stats the game has? If not I’d strongly suggest cutting them down.
I don’t see why there’s a need for charismatic, persuasion, leadership, and charisma.
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Thank you for the feedback, I have been busy writing and revising my work. I’ve improved the sentence structure, spelling, and small things so far. I know people prefer big updates, but the work is getting better.
I’m pleased you find the premise interesting, I been kicking around this idea for years.
I tend to dislike choice games is that they open in conflict, jumping right into the thick of the action. While sometimes a good device I often get annoyed with it. My attention span is not short. I want to try and establish the world, and limited character background.
I’m glad you thought it picked up and the action was cool. My argument is that the exposition would not have been as satisfying, had there not been a build up. I’ll work on it,but I like the length of the start cause I intend the game to be pretty long.
Now on stats/skills:
Each profession has a story/own individual scenes that highlight a portion of the overall story. The work isn’t there yet, but that is part of the reason for the skill list.
The attributes Str, Chr, Dex, Int, Wis are secondary modifiers to your skill set. You get a bonus depending on your class. I’m playing around with it but have worked out an idea of how much skills interact.
Maybe Charismatic/Stoic can be reworked. Those are character based decisions, that help define your personality, not skill modifiers.
Like Charisma stat helps with Intimate or Persuasion checks - your Str stat helps with athletics etc.
I hope that clarifies the direction I’m going to take the combat.
I intend the power options to be described like in the heros rise trilogy, so you have a good idea how you want to solve your problems. You can definitely expect that!
Thank you so much for the feed back.
I think it does need to start with a hook of some sort. You need to get people interested. You need to start them with choices instead of just passively reading.
It doesn’t have to be straight into the action. What if it were straight into the old life and the horror of discovering we were dying, showing us everything we’re going to lose. That way the death would have more emotional impact. We’ll have more of a sense of hope and anticipation about our new life, but maybe loss for what we’re leaving behind.
The start, as it is, is boring. It’s what I dislike about the starts of games. A few insignificant choices, a lot of reading about setting, and a flat boring character generation without much of an idea of who my character is, I have to pick all these stats.
I’d normally not wade through that. I’d just stop playing.
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very very interesting! Im quite interested to see if my character becomes a Goddess ~
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This is just a first impressions thing. I’ll do a second playthrough. First of all,I find the world interesting so far and I would love to see more of the lore and how Norse mythology fits into the equation.(I’m wondering if Ragnarok will play a part.)
Second,while I like that I have options(stats and power selection),I don’t like that there was a massive dump of stats at the very beginning. I’m sure how you’d do it,but I’d rather have that be gradually worked into the story.
I agree with Fairy Godfeather that the beginning was kinda slow and I wanted to skip.
I also like FG’s idea of showing our MC’s last days before the reincarnation and you could also use it as a way to introduce the stats. The powers and MC’s views on authority could be saved until after.
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G1/24/17
-Classes changed - Primary 3 - Artist, Engineer, and Scientist.
-Intro reduced by 3000 words - Half of the creation process is gone now.
-Further spelling grammar updated.
-2 scenes beyond the temple.
You can advance the story right now as an Artist or an Engineer.
-Finishing Scientist backstory.
-Finishing skill/relationship list.
-Finishing continuation of battle and the end of chapter 1.
This is a pretty big update in my eyes. I rewrote much of the start, edited out a bunch of redundant text and fleshed out where I want to go with the story. The next update will be bigger.
I’d love feedback on the updated creation process, the flow of the story, and any suggestions.
I’d have finished and posted the update already but attending the women’s march, protesting, and a school final kinda got in the way. I’m 2/3 done with the next update
I’m not sure if dashingdon updates mobile later but the new text is appearing on my PC but not my phone. Anyone know?
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YNot sure what to do. It’s updated on my PC link when I play but when I try on the mobile it is giving me the old content.
If you are picking a profession and still getting construction worker or thief then that’s the old stuff.
Didnt we have security officer or something similar as a choice before or am I mistaken?
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Yeah. I updated all the files and it appeared normally on my pc. Now, I’m trying it on my phone and it’s giving me all the old content. Getting frustrated.
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