Oblivion (Work In Progress) - Wild West and Demons! by Mephisto Harkon

SYNOPSIS

“Oblivion” takes a different look at the biblical Cain and the Wild West.

The story starts off with the main character,a Marshall or an Outlaw (depending on your choice) dying a grim death.All that changes,when they get approached by a man calling himself Cain.

The man offers an escape from death in the form of a contract…

But not everything is as it seems…There’s a dark plot looming over the horizon…One that will plunge the world into chaos and maybe you are the only one that can stop it.Or not…If that was your plan all along!

Will you use your newfound infernal powers to bring pain and misery wherever you go?..

…Or will you fight for a better future and help everyone in need?

Will you let Cain enact his sinister plan of revenge on God and the world?..

…Or will you show him there’s a better man beneath the monster we all hide in us,but sooner or later have to confront it?

One thing’s for certain…Oblivion awaits!

Currently the game is early in development.The prologue and around 45% of the 1st Chapter is done, the game ends after Cain introduces the four Demons to you and says “Pick your poison” and I plan on updating around every 2 months (If everything goes according to plan and real life doesn’t get in the way!).The reason behind this,is that I strive for quality and don’t want to rush the game at all.After all I’m not on a deadline.So expect every “regular” update to bring major new content and increase the quality of the game overall.That said,updates that fix grammar,coding errors etc will be addressed and worked on the soonest I see the report from someone!

FEATURES

1.Wild West with a twist! Choose to play as a former Marshall or Outlaw bonded with a Demon!

2.Play your own way! Male,Female or Non-Binary? The game will neither be gender locked and neither will constrain you from acting as you wish!

3.Choose the Demon you are bonded with and thus determine your powers.

4.Reputation and Nickname stats system based on your deeds!

5.Throughout the story you will meet lots of interesting side characters that will have various quests for you.No matter what though,don’t wander too far from the sinister plot that threatens to shroud the world into chaos!

6.And of course…Romance!

Will you romance a caring rancher?..

…A fiery outlaw?

A stoic marshall?..

…Or even the first murderer himself!

FEEDBACK I’M LOOKING FOR : While every “I liked the story” etc is welcome and appreciated,the ideal feedback for me to receive would be Low-level and High-level (INFO on what they are right below!)

Low-level feedback = typos and continuity errors. A continuity error is when a character’s gender flips, or someone comes back from the dead, or you run into a plotline that just doesn’t make sense (because it’s probably a coding error).

High-level feedback = has to do with things like plot, pacing, and characters. “Scene A didn’t work for me because x, y, and z,” is useful feedback. “B character was entirely unsympathetic, because u, w, and v,” is also useful feedback.

Right now,Mid-level feedback IS NOT NEEDED!

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/go/10970

If you think me and my work deserves it and you want to buy me a “coffee”,here’s my Ko-Fi : https://ko-fi.com/mephistoharkon

Thank YOU,for your time and interest!

-Mephisto

88 Likes

The idea seems very interesting to me. Especially for the choice of demons. I’m curious about how you’ll develop it

@Harkon please fix this: Uncaught Error: SaveMod: Unable to *sm_save before *sm_init

:smiley:Wow! The idea looks cool! (fantasy er?) Just went through this demo and :heart: it! Also will there be more…like descriptions in the story? Just now the work in each page is like a summary(one or two sentences).

2 Likes

I don’t have much knowledge of the Bible, so perhaps I’m just missing context, but I’m confused by Cain’s curse. It doesn’t seem to be a curse at all, but a boon. I was waiting for the “but in exchange…” and there wasn’t one, at least not so far. Is that going to be explained later?

image
you lose consciousness

i think you should add spaces after commas and periods.


i think you should just use “did he just tried to kill himself in front of you?”
image
i think you should just it in one “.” no need to split it.

also, i think some words need to be enclosed with the “.” cause i missed the part where the man said his name and i got confused on to how we know his name. with cain’s curse. it kinda sounds more beneficial for him considering the fact that he cant be killed. also pacing is a little too fast. try to slow down on some parts, like us waking up and meeting cain. more description about the demons would be good too. also the choice to be whether an outlaw or a marshal threw me off. maybe, give an indication to the reader that there are outlaws and alike out there. interesting idea you got here

1 Like

I just finish the demo and the preset name caught me off guard lol

Here are just a couple other typos/errors:

It shouldn’t be a semi-colon there (;), rather a colon and also the “A” should he lowercase.


Should be “come to terms with”


“This must be the end,” you say […].


When you have dialogue in the “next” button it should also be in quotation marks (“Who… Who are you?”)

These are just a few of the errors but they are pretty numerous to the point that it was a struggle for me to continue reading to the end of the demo. I’d recommend at least using the spell check/grammar functions that are in any basic Microsoft Word-type programs, as the majority of the errors are very basic and would be easily caught by the program. Or any program like grammarly, etc. And you’d probably want an actual person to proofread for you because many of the sentences are pretty clunky even though they’re grammatically correct.

I can’t say the biblical topic interests me personally, but I do think it is unique and could be pretty successful with the help of some of the extra work noted above.

Page length is definitely opinion, but just as a wall of text can overwhelm readers, rapidly clicking again and again after 1-2 lines can make a reader restless and start to not care about the story.

9 Likes

10 And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother’s blood crieth unto me from the ground.

11 And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother’s blood from thy hand;

12 When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.

13 And Cain said unto the Lord, My punishment is greater than I can bear.

14 Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.

15 And the Lord said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold. And the Lord set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
Genesis 4

2 Likes

Cjw’s save plugin should be fixed now! I have allowed till 3 save slots at the moment but as the story grows i will increase them in case someone needs more(Note : Max limit is 6).Thanks for letting me know!

2 Likes

I could certainly try to make each “page” more lengthy! The reason behind this,is that I was afraid too much text in one page, would tire and bore the reader…But since a lot of people are pointing this out,i should try to strike a balance between the two! I will get to work on it in the coming days.Thank you and glad you enjoyed the demo!

3 Likes

It’s a short demo and I already love it. Look forward to future updates :slight_smile:

1 Like

I was going to quote the Bible myself lol.Is it clearer now with the response @Apeking4 posted?
What do you all think? Should I add more lore regarding Cain’s mark and curse? (Tho,it will probably be done on a standalone section in the stats screen with other game lore.)

Good suggestion,now that I’m thinking of it again,it sounds better that way.

Good catch!

I will try making Cain’s name into bold text when he firstly introduces himself to you.If it’s still something you can easily miss I’ll see what I will do.

Interesting feedback,thanks!

Thank you for the tip.

Good catch.It slipped from my own eye.

Another one!Thanks.

This will happen later on when the game enters closed beta.

Thanks again for catching out those mistakes!

2 Likes

It is clearer, though it’s still about as clear as anything else I’ve read from the Bible, which is to say extremely vague and subject to interpretation (but all the interpretations are wrong except the one any given person believes). Not that I’ve read much.

Sorry, my phone is unable to take a screen shot so I have to like, type it out.

“sunset that is unfolding around you,as you start feeling more intensely all the pain from your wounds.Your body is finally giving out.”

I think the sentence is phrased a little weirdly. It would probably be better if it went more like,

“as the pain from your wounds start feeling more intense.”

In a shocked state,you stare in disbelief at what is unfolding in front of you.Did he just tried suicide in front of you? The cut is not only deep, but it also hits dead center at the much needed to live,artery that resides there.

“Did he just try to kill himself in front of you?” or “Did he just try to commit suicide infront of you?”

Also, don’t use tried when paired with did. It should become present tense. Like, ‘did he jump’ instead of ‘did he jumped’.

Side note: Love the rdr2 reference by the way.

Glad people are taking notice and enjoy them! I’m an avid gamer myself and when I decided I’m going to write a wild west story,I simply could not resist paying tribute to that gem.
That said, expect to see more pop culture references in the game at the future!

P.S. Next update besides fixing the mistakes some of you pointed out will bring the rest of chapter 1 AND chapter 2 along with some other stuff! I’m currently fleshing out more parts of the story but since I have more time than I expected this month it will probably come a bit earlier than the rate I said I’m going to update the game each time! (every 2 months)

1 Like

Real cool beginning can’t wait to read more :grin:

1 Like

This topic was automatically closed 60 days after the last reply. If you want to reopen your WiP, contact the moderators.