Oh my… The confession scene pulled at my heartstrings and ripped them out of my chest!..
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God, don’t even know where to start with this, Jesus…
On one side, super happy with the option to confess to drew and date her, however that just made it much worst with the inevitable!
And then the dream! As if I wasn’t broken enough, you give me hope and then rip it from my chest!
GAHHHHHHH!!!
… Congratulations , ya played me and ya played me good.
Now what am I supposed to do with these feels? 
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Woohoo, I’m not finished yet but I’m gonna edit this post as I find more typos!
Summary
In my opinion You like to think you are a bit far from that sounds smoother and more natural
make Do you know why you are here
Switch the words around, makes it seem more natural
Asks. They mean the same thing but one synonym flows better in the sentence than the other
Is it about college?
It’s = It is, making the sentence “it is about college?” which sounds weird because it’s supposed to be phrased like a question and not as a statement.
Period at the end.
Question mark at the end.
Blood rushes to your ears
Add “to” in the sentence.
But it’s enough to emphasize how much…
Add a “to” to the sentence
on your bed
I know what this sentence means but it looks so awkward? I’m trying to brainstorm suggestions… Maybe rewrite the whole sentence to “It looks like chicken scratch.”?
Was
Were is used in plural. And from the looks of it there’s only one macaroni and cheese (assuming that’s what they’re eating).
Go and have fun with MC
Add a “with” to the sentence
Not only is he your best friend
Switch the words around. “He’s” = he is, making the sentence “not only he is your best friend”, which sounds awkward.
Add a question mark at the end of the first highlighted sentence
And the last highlighted sentence make it seem like he’s being treated with love in the context it’s in. “It’s heartbreaking that he gets treated so badly in school.”
from his
Sassy
Ripe
Quick
The drew seems out of place.
The second highlighted sentence confuses me. Maybe it should be through the fuzz of his head.?
brush his teeth
Remove the “your”
A few minutes later he comes
on
my throat feeling a bit dry
Switch the words around
making them sound like a grumble
Once again, switch the position of the words. *Don’t make me repeat myself.
I’m going to take that as a yes
Last chance to…
Hug him from behind
First
I’m confused. When MC confesses it’s all lovey and dovey, they were both happy. Maybe remove these options to players who chose to confess or had the sleep-over.
Remove the a.
Has yet to pick up. Sounds better in this context.
How else to contact
Add a “to” into the sentence
Not
Wrinkling the paper even more sounds like the correct way to arrange the words.
Since when did newspapers have tabloids…
Add a “did”
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My Halloween just got a whole lot better
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Here’s part two, it’s super late so I missed a lot, sorry:
Summary
spared
such a thing
Uhm, I chose to keep my cool and not cause a scene. Why does Eddie say that I got into a fight when nothing happened?
Should I have let her get away with it
Also once again, I chose not to confront the woman. I shouldn’t be getting this scene.
Maybe remove these lines and dialogues for those who chose to not cause a scene and call the woman out?
How did I used to be, then?
And
Supposed
Like she has to explain too much to you
There’s supposed to be a space between those words.
Few
Space between the words
Also
hoodie
What date is it today
Add “it” to the sentence
That doesn’t sound right. Maybe try His features seem worried or a look of worry overshadow his features, etc?
Also change it’s to its
For some ungodly reason Drew/he/she/they had to do it
You were missing a pronoun before “had to do it”, putting Drew’s name into the sentence is also fine
Also, Drew is a guy in my playthrough, so wrong pronoun
Remove it from the sentence
Into a
With a
Add “a” before the word “jolt”
He’s
to be
about
thick
pep
Space between the words.
where you are
Switch the words around
sparkly
five-hundred dollar shoes
Add “dollar” and remove “worth”
Mary-Ann’s cheeks turn pink
Add the word “turn”
everyone’s
2 Likes
If I love each one of your updates, does that make me a masochist? So. Fucking. Good. The confession was so cute and painful at the same time that I don’t know if I’m sad or happy.
Oh and this was totally me after that scene.
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I didn’t cry this time, but it was a close thing. This time I was angry at everyone. I didn’t get to punch nearly enough people. Is it bad if I really wanted to punch the ladies at the funeral? They have it coming!
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@Ninja1, @Fay Thank you so much for your help! I can’t believe I made so many typos/mistakes, I swear there’s a point where they become invisible to me x__X I’m currently out of the house, but when I get back I’ll correct all the mistakes (typos and what doesn’t make sense story-wise) and update the demo (I think that’s called a “hotfix”?) Again, thank you plenty! And @Fay, don’t feel bad at all if you can’t do everything at once, you’re helping me a lot!
@Demigod_Knight, @Daxterix, @Baam What can I say, playing with people’s feelings is a lot of fun 
If I give you something nice, the heartbreak is much bigger when it’s taken away, don’t you think? 
I enjoyed writing that scene a lot, but it also felt quite bittersweet to me, knowing how things end.
I made them unlikable on purpose, like Ethan Davis (did you enjoy decking him? 
) so it’s only natural you want to strangle them. But instead of a full-on fight, I thought it would be a good moment to flesh out Eddie’s role in the story (besides the MC’s caretaker, the diplomatic/protector one).
How much did you like Drew’s romance? And your thoughts on Bethany? Any guess why she’s the first objective? 
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I do like the Drew romance option. It felt short. Probably because it was. But I’m not sure you can do anything with that since obviously there isn’t a whole lot of time there and the story does need to get going.
I liked the dream that was nice. Even if it was my fault. 
I’m not sure where I am on Bethany. Obviously I’m not suppose to like her, but I’m just not there yet. But I do really really want to punch people, and I’ve go to start somewhere!
Edits- and yes I really liked punching Davis. I’m glad to see an ‘angry’ path taking shape. I remember on one of my earlier play through a thinking there were not enough options if you were the angry teenager mad at the world for taking Drew from you. So to see some more options along those lines is fun.
And it doesn’t always have to be punching people. For example the option to tear up the paper when finding out about Drew’s death is a an angry response in my opinion.
5 Likes
Okay, first of all, the prologue was lovely. I know we can’t romance them further in-game because well… they’re dead. But the brief romance we had with them in the prologue made up for it! Also I like how confessing to Drew affects our grief, like yes, I love getting my heart broken.
She seems like the typical text-book, cliché nerd. The one you see in cheesy teenage movies. But since it’s already established that she betrayed us I don’t reckon any of the readers actually have a positive opinion regarding Bethany.
Maybe she wanted to stop getting picked on by Mary-Ann and her gang so she stabbed Drew in the back by joining the bullies because she wanted to be with the popular kids? And then MC is pissed because Bethany decided to abandon them and go over to the dark side. That’s just my theory.
6 Likes
*At this moment I’m going for the ‘I never confessed my feelings and now I won’t ever be able to’ scenario. In my eyes it is like the ultimate heartbreaker. So much angst, so much potentional. Like in one option when MC kisses Drew’s coffin? That. That right there.
But I really enjoyed the extra scene. It was so wholesome. I love it and I love Drew. I’m glad you added it in.
*Bethany seemed nice. Like a good friend for both Drew and MC. But she’s probably going to do a face-heel turn since MC sounded pretty mad when remembering her. The girl must have done something bad. Intentionally, I think.
I think she’s first because she was an actual friend of them, Bethany was closer to them than the others so that’s why it is more personal. It hurts more, her betrayal (?)
3 Likes
If we can’t save Drew (I don’t care how unlikely that is) I’m burning the whole school.
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Don’t feel bad, that is what happens when you stare the same text too long.
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“How much did you liked Drew romance?”
I know it’s pretty much the only romance that exists so far (even though it ends in tragedy).
But you made me think that when Drew showed up again, my MC had somehow time traveled with the power of love and would be able to save Drew and then they would build a giant building AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER and I’m gonna stop writing before I freak out 
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More or less my thoughts exactly. That dream sequence in particular solidified my distaste for the perpetrators and genuinely made me depressed, excellent writing.
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I spent most the dream sequence hoping the MC was going insane and was going to have a imaginary ghost of Drew running commentary on their adventures.
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Haha yeah! Every time MC is about to do something morally wrong hallucination!Drew points it out and then MC argues with them, and from an outsider’s point of view we’re just arguing with air. Imagine if Eddie found MC doing that…
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All the errors I have seen were things other people already told you above, so it’s useless for you that I write them here again lol
I’m so happy for the update! I guess things weren’t going to turn on the paranormal route after all, and tho I like the story so far I can’t help but feel this is a really really big flashback. I almost forgot we (in the present) are being interrogated by the police man, personally, I would prefer the story to be in the present, with some flashbacks here and there, and not like a biiiiiiig one telling us everything since the beginning. I think is kind of tiring, I don’t know if others do.
I know this is the story about the past influencing the present, but it would be so much better if you mix those two instead of just a long piece of one and then another looong piece of the other. All of this is just my opinion of course, I really love what are you trying to do but telling you only the good things is not going to help improve this story or your writing. I’m being 100% honest here.
I like that I can picture Drew’s personality instantly: A caring, chill guy, who thinks he doesn’t need help with his problems even though he does. It feels like he’s real and as a consequence, it really hurt me when he died. The feelings of grief and regret in MC also feel real, you made me remember when I was grieving too, so I also think that’s a good thing, a sad but good thing lol.
Anyway, I think that’s all I have to say. Congrats for your story 
I’m loving it and I really want to know what happens next!
10 Likes
I really hope that this is going to be a thing
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@Lycoris Okay, read it. 
Veery interesting. Great job Lycoris!
I interpreted it right that the MC self-harms/self-harmed, right? Or were those scars from being beat up by the bullies? 
The Drew nightmare was just the right amount of unsettling & confusing. Also…reoccurring nightmares symptom of PTSD…check. 
Though self-harm, idealization of Drew, such extreme levels of anger & hatred of the bullies that they’re willing to go to these extremes, etc. are making me wonder if something else could also be up with our MC psychologically, or at least developing in the MC.
Playing as the MC, who I made get enraged at the woman for peeking inside Drew’s coffin out of morbid curiosity, if I’m being totally honest felt a biiiiit like I was getting inside of the head of someone who was reacting negatively to ME. 
(You know me, so I’m sure you can imagine what I’D be doing at that funeral, MINUS the getting pissed at the MC & trying to get them in trouble part. 
)
Drew’s romance was very cute & sweet. The kind of sweet, innocent thing that just seems almost too sweet & innocent for this world…because it actually was.
Bethany seems nice and like the kind of person Drew & the MC would be friends with. Pretty neutral opinion personally at the moment. But we’ve obviously got a lot more to learn about her. 
3 Likes