“You had three options you could spy from the vent…maybe” needs a space after the … applies to all the uses of …
“You’d get torn up by th glass” Should be the.
“IN a few strong steps you find yourself gaining” any reason in is in caps? Looks like a typo.
“the moment of gravity pulling” this sentence just feels off. Moment of gravity? Is that a… typo? Probably a saying I never heard of.
“and its gripping your leg” believe it should be it’s instead of its. Then again these similar words are confusing. I noticed this same issue pop up a few more times so I’m guessing you just forgot to add the ’ because its is not it’s.
When selecting your eye colour it’s missing a space between the two words.
“explained how he was a victim or your fashion sense” of your fashion sense.
“herseyes go wide for a moment” space needed.
“Hey while I’ve got you here John why dopn’t you let me set you up on a date.” Typo. On the same like there is “Alice raises a brow at you. and” which should be And. The next paragraph needs to start with a capital letter. And then it has “ITs” which is weirdly capitalized and should be It’s.
"At least over lunch you can takke a swing "
“on of the best places to find work in the city.She” space after . needed
“starting to sound like that grumpy Oldman” Should be “old man”
“smack you like shewould” space needed. Not to mention it’s talking about your uncle. Who is male if I remember correctly.
Honestly there are so many typos, spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes I wonder if it’s all in my head. There are A LOT more around but I kinda gave up.
BUGS
Well as has already been mentioned the genders just don’t stick… I’m guessing they either aren’t tracked well or are written as part of the text instead of being a thing that changes depending on values or whatever. I forgot the name.
Thank you all for the feedback it’s truly invaluable.
I’m happy for any and all of your opinions. It means a lot that you bothered to say anything at all.
That being said as soon as I can sit down I’ll see what I can do about the gender issues and the tangled grammar.
The likely culprit is me. I likely over looked things, a misplaced letter within the code or simply missed because of my habit of adding to the story while trying to focus on fixing existing issues.
I’m easily distracted unfortunately.
I’m happy to see that despite the issues some have really enjoyed what I’ve done so far. It really gives me a boost to work harder knowing that others enjoy my work.
Thank you and much love.
Ps:I’ll likely continue relying on this kicks community for help here and there. Hopefully it won’t turn out terribly for my first IF story.
I really enjoyed it so far just found slight errors like when I chose Alice to be my it kept going back and forth calling her he and she and when I chose my imaginary friend to be female it said it was male
I would suggest you iron out what you have at the moment before writing more of the story. And spell/typo check the next chapter before releasing it just in case.
Because while I admit that the story was quite interesting the typos, spelling mistakes, grammar and gender issues really made me go from “This is enjoyable” to “I wonder how many typos and other mistakes are in this one scene.” so I’d REALLY recommend you work that stuff out before anything else.
Also I was wondering… is there any reason in particular you can’t choose your own name or am I missing something?
But yeah some feedback is better than none since it means you can actually improve. Least that comes from personal experience.
This is an interesting start to a story. The idea of imaginary friends being real is fascinating and I look forward to where the story goes. The biggest problem I’ve seen with your story is the consistent errors in gender assignment. I chose to be a girl and was referred to as my uncle’s nephew on several occasions. I had my best friend be a girl and she was referred to as him several times. And I chose to have a female imaginary friend and the game flagged her as male.
The writing is all solid but I’d go back over your coding and iron out the kinks before continuing with this promising story.
Hey I like the game but I found a couple of problems. When you choose your hair length I choose medium length hair but it kept doing short regardless for the female charater. And when you choose your imaginary friend if you choose female it will set it for male. Hopefully you can fix it.
See’s that i can lower my sanity… IMMEDIATELY DECIDES TO LOWER THE VERY IMPORTANT SANITY
I DUN CARE IF ITS BAD! Being crazy is fun! Imma be a sarcastic, definitely british POSSIBLY Not sane Person. I mean i picked the surname Laughlin that has to be a sure sign like like naming Harley Quinn Harleen Quinzel.
EDIT!
Okay first choice i made sure it was female (and i saw the she so that was a success). And when i finally got to the gender of my imaginary friend i picked She.
It became a He thing and also checking the stats it says male
I’m big on there being no WRONG answers just cause and effect.
A morally right thing can put you in as much or more danger than a morally wrong thing to do.
First thing I always check is: stats. Needless to say I was impressed with the planning from the word go. I like your writing style, already had me attached to my character.
Not alot of maintenance happens arouhnd here does it.
Correct the word around and add a question mark at the end. Or get rid of the “does it” .
After this line ^^^ I notice there are a few places where grammar/prose could be improved a little with proofreading.
When I saw both first and last name choices available on one page I was like “sweet”. Then I wanted to see what would happen if I wanted to choose the first name myself but pick a predetermined last name. It can’t be done there. Must input my own choice for a last name.
^^^ again eith the hair, I chose long and blonde but it’s now short and blonde.
My imaginary friend is female but on the next page it says she’s a he… then asks what colour is mostly on him…
After chatting with Allen it goes on to explain how my uncle “knows his nephew is growing up”.
Pretty good, cant wait to see how you develop this.
Thankyou very much for the pointers helped me narrow down the exact spots in the code that were…to steal the MC’s line… BUGGERED.
Seems I was in a little bit of a rush and forgot to set the created variables, and in some instances I copied similar code that I’d written for the first gender choice and forgot to switch it over to the correct gender.
As for the Name issue I’m going to look into that as we speak and then hammer away at the typos. If all goes well I should have a solid handle on this first section by morning.
EDIT:
Also adding some explanation to the Build skills to the ‘What the stats mean to you’ section.
EDIT2:
The name issue was a simple misplaced *if statement.
if there were to be a very ‘effective’ theme to my work this tune sets the mood PERFECTLY. Been listening to it as I work on fixing the typos. Its kinda creepy. but works so wellchuckle click here
Pretty interesting, I like all the options for the imaginary friend. Can’t wait for the full game. Also as an agender I appreciate the option for neither gender!
In regards to neutral genders and seeing I’ve the opportunity to ask.
If there I’ve made ODD choices for a gender pronouns do let me know.
As it stands it’s an easy fix in this early stage.
You missed some gender checks (I’ll add others as I spot them with edits):
“Go to hell!” You tell him with a wry smile of your own “You know damn well I ‘earned’ this thing Alice, yer mommy and daddy bought yours for you.” You point out with a grin
Another one:
This whole double date idea came around at work while you two were busy loading a crate with the forklift. You driving and him guiding you in.
This one should be he since its referring to the uncle:
You narrow your eyes at her, nobody badmouths your family even to be funny “Yeah and I’ll smack you like she would, if you keep it up.”
