Oh boy, it’s time to shamelessly jump on the snippet sharing bandwagon!
This one is from Act Two of Onryō, which I will be working on more intently once I’ve achieved the desired death rate in Act One. (It’s a lot harder to kill people than you’d think.)
My snippet.
(Makoto is gender switchable, but I’ll refer to them as a she for this snippet)
You climb back up the stairs, not desiring to get involved in ${kit}'s casual acts of arson, or getting in the way of Watanabe’s wrath.
Upon returning to Makoto’s room, you find her sat at her desk, furiously typing away at the keyboard in front of her. She turns her head towards you as you enter, “Hey. I’ve got the security footage you requested.” She says to you.
“Let’s see it.” You tell her, nodding your head.
She presses the space bar, and the video on the screen begins playing. The CCTV footage that she acquired appears to be from inside of a casino, and you can see Akari talking to a man who you assume is a lower-ranking Yakuza member.
You do notice, however, that for some reason, Makoto has heavily zoomed into Akari’s… Um, proportions.
You send her a pointed glance, and she frantically moves to zoom the camera back out, mumbling something you are unable to hear as she does.
“Hanabusa-san, we are already fifty percent over budget, and you want to spend money on this?” The man says to Akari, seemingly in a panic.
Akari turns to him, and reaches out her hand to caress his face. “What’s wrong with it Irumota? You don’t have an issue with me do you?” She asks him, her eyes resembling a dog begging for food.
Irumota looks down to the floor, blushing slightly, before replying, “N… No, it’s not you I have an issue with, but… We can’t just buy an elephant!”
Akari gives him a wide smile, “Not with that attitude you can’t!” She says, before giggling, and walking out of the camera’s field of view. Irumota stands there, as if he were about to suffer a heart attack, before running after her.
You tear your gaze from the screen, and look at Makoto, who is sipping loudly on a can of soda.
“She’s insane.” You state simply.
But, as for the main discussion.
@vera , this may just be because I live in the UK, and speak UK english, but if you hadn’t have said that you were a non-native speaker, I would’ve probably thought you were a native speaker.
Some people speak and write differently. A sentence’s length will vary depending on the situation. If a long sentence is needed, go for it! But most of the time, if you can get away with a short sentence, you should probably go with that.
I’d recommend you get into the habit of questioning whether a comma can be a full stop, and you’ll go far.
), whereas “The mages can’t ruin this flat much more” would refer to a specific subset of those mages, like the ones the MC would be fighting at the time.
