New(s) letter out today! This one is all about the sick bay. I work out how many staff I can reasonably give it via a look at the old navy, the current navy, and present day field hospitals. A deep dive even my my standards!
12 Likes
A deep dive is appropriate for a maritime adventure!
8 Likes
You know, that wasn’t even intentional!
2 Likes
I thoroughly enjoyed this demo! I love Patrick O’Brian’s books, so I’m definitely the right audience, and it seemed to me that you translated enough nautical terms for those less familiar with the area, while also not over-explaining. The writing was very immersive and I was interested in all of the characters. Really solid and fun, and I can’t wait to read more!
Some feedback on the end of chapter 2
I was a little bit confused about the fate of the captain. Initially I thought he was very seriously wounded after the battle (I think someone mentioned a brain injury) so it seemed strange to be deciding his fate so quickly. I felt I was deciding whether to maroon (or condemn to death) someone who might never regain consciousness, so none of the choices sat quite right at that moment.
Then, when it became clear that he was alright, it seemed a little strange that he would so easily acquiesce in his fate (I chose marooning).
Finally, it wasn’t totally clear to me why it seemed inevitable that he would be court-martialled and hanged. Although the ship wasn’t in fighting shape, it didn’t seem so reckless as to be indefensible, especially given that a valuable prize was captured. But I was reading through quite quickly because I was enjoying it so much, so I might have missed something here.
A couple of other suggestions
- While the characters are well-described during their introductions, I personally find it hard to remember character descriptions, and find it really helpful to have a page in the stats screen with a summary of the character description.
- At the start of the game there were some gender-selection options, for all main NPCs including ROs. I found myself wishing for an option to set all ROs separately from all other main NPCs (I probably would have chosen one gender for all ROs and set the rest to random, for example).
3 Likes
New newsletter out this weekend!
Linking to it on my tumblr this time. It’s my work on figuring out the crew hierarchies and trying to strike the right balance between being classist enough to make the premise possible, but not so classist that it’s a miserable place to exist!
10 Likes
@hextilde Thank you so much for your comments (and praise! Especially praise!). I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you. Basically I was on holiday and I find typing long messages on a phone annoying.
I am very excited to have a reader who likes Patrick O’Brian!! I feel like my game is going to be a bit niche, so I am hoping it can find its audience.
Your notes are also really helpful - thanks. I especially like the idea of having the option to make all ROs one gender and set the others to random. I will implement all of these suggestions when I do my next big demo edit.
Thanks again!
2 Likes
I’m very much enjoying the atmosphere in this! I’ve not read Patrick O’ Brian myself but I loved Hornblower back in the day and it’s delightful to get into that vibe again. The parts I like best are things like moving through the ship and cabins, understanding more about the traditions onboard, and the action sequences make me feel like I’m on the ship myself. Really lovely!
It’s also really fascinating how magic and morality seem to be linked, with the happiness and justice of the ship/town linked to physical health of the environment too. It’s a metaphor that feels familiar, I’m thinking of things like the Rime of the Ancient Mariner, but here it’s made literal/physical via the magic. I’m so interested in how that bleeds into ship and coastal cultures and ethical frameworks. So very juicy!
I found the captain a strong character - the foreshadowing of the fall from grace is great. In principle I’m ready to very much like the three romanceable officers - they are appealing to me and they’re being set up solidly to become good colleagues and part of our team. I do think there are a few areas for improvement here though:
There are a few moments like the below, where the PC comes to a fairly big conclusion about a character after not having known them long, or without much evidence (after this screenshot Ahmet is described as “one of natures loungers” - I’d enjoy it more if I see them lounging a few times to justify this, and so on)
This drawing the line between living in the present and the sunny smile is similar. Relatedly, I ended up seeing the smile line twice in the conservation, not sure if it’s a bug.
Then there are quite a few conversations where I’d enjoy seeing them play out onscreen rather than summarised. I think this play-by-play is especially nice early on when we’re first getting to know the characters.
And this one in particular, I would love to be able to respond to Ahmet opening up about family (I loved being able to give my first name here though! Very exciting having the chance to build familiarity/emotional intimacy like this!):
I’m not totally sure because I’m on a train and may have misread - but I think Merry the cat was mentioned on a previous page and I thought we’d met before this!
Finally, this doesn’t need to be looked at right now, it may be more useful to do when you’re doing the full draft review! but the description of the Meredith condition in the stat page read “reasonable” which didn’t correspond to the description in the game - when describing the state of it before engaging in the battle it was very like “we’re in a very bad state”.
Also, though again I don’t think it’s urgent at this stage, I would suggest doing a playtest pass to check paragraph length and line breaks as there were quite a few where it looked like it would benefit from more spacing to help give breathing room.
I really like this setting and am intrigued by the mystery of what’s happening with magic, the weapon development, and potential tensions within and between the different factions in the game. I hope you keep having fun writing it!
Edit: oh, I just remembered about the discussion about the prologue - I do like exploring the town but I agree that it would benefit from having at least one of the romanceable characters appear, and maybe some of the hands too. When the fight broke out I hoped the sailors would turn out to be on the Meredith so my actions would carry through to when we were aboard! I think that might help it feel more connected to the next section on the ship.
7 Likes
Some thoughts about the storm
The bosun hands you a couple of boarding cutlasses and together, you and Ahmet begin the climb, the swirling indigo presenting surprisingly little additional difficulty since you are already staying as close as you possibly can to the mast. You use all your strength to grip the rigging and avoid plunging into the livid sea below. Finally at the top, you loose your cutlasses and swipe repeatedly at the furious birds. They retaliate by pecking and plunging at your hands. They seem almost intelligent in their attacks, focusing their efforts not on your sword hand but on the hand you are using to cling to the mast. But you hold firm, and between the two of you, you manage to do enough damage to the birds that they fall away, vanishing shrieking into the mist before they are a metre from you.
Climbing the mast while fighting birds off with one hand in the middle of a storm is a quick way to fall to your death. It would also encourage the birds to focus fire on a single target (yourself) which would make it near impossible to fend them off if a whole swarm of them are coming on you at once.
It would be safer to shoot them from the deck to scare them off, if your marksmanship is good enough.
You give your orders, directing teams to every corner of the hold where they will find the kind of ballast that will lighten the ship quickly. There’s no time for discussion, no time to do anything but obey, and the hands jump to it, hurling barrel after barrel of fresh water, gifts for foreign dignitaries, even the Firetide Puddings over the side. Imperceptibly at first, the ship begins to lighten. And soon enough it is bobbing along sufficiently far out of the water to be out of reach of the very worst of the magical creatures. You order the crew to get below, and wait out the storm, leaving it to toss the now deserted deck of the Meredith to its heart’s content.
Drinking water is one of the last things you’d want to throw into the sea, since you can’t live without it. Throwing food would only encourage more sea creatures to come.
Also, ordering all the crew to get below to wait out to wait out the storm would be incredibly risky. You’d still need someone to take the wheel and manage the sails, or the ship could capsize.
(Edit: reading the code, the game doesn’t seem to have any variable ‘remembering’ that you have lost a lot of precious cargo.)
We can’t risk survivors influencing the magic against us. Throw them all overboard.
Throwing everyone overboard after they have surrendered is out of the question. If the objective is to avoid risk, put all of them on the cutter and let them drift, or find a place to leave them.
Anyway, the adventure is picking up. There were a few exciting moments like taking the enemy ship.
Good luck.
2 Likes
I very much enjoyed this, and will absolutely be following it to see where it goes next!
-
The worldbuilding is fascinating and I’m very interested in learning more about the setting and how magic works in it. I do think it could benefit from a codex and the map being available in-game, especially since I felt that I made the choice about my home without really knowing much of anything about it.
-
The plot setup is strong and I’m intrigued to follow it and see where it’s going.
-
The pacing felt just right, and moved at a good clip while still taking enough time to introduce the world and the characters and the ship itself. I wouldn’t mind a bit more time with the main officers early, since I felt I only got a firm understanding of Lieutenant Ahmet so far considering they were the one I took the class with. But I’m sure the rest will come in time, so I don’t consider this strictly necessary.
-
I really like how competent the PC feels. There was clear room to specialize and be exceptionally good at certain things, but I never felt like I was bad at even my worst stats to “why is this person allowed to be a naval officer?” degrees. I focused mostly on Charm, Observation, and Education and seemed to get very good use out of them.
-
I like what I’ve seen of all the characters so far. The captain and Lieutenant Ahmet stand out as my favorite at this point, but that’s likely because I spent the most time with them. I can see how the others will be interesting already.
-
I didn’t have any difficulty following the naval terminology. I’d say I have more knowledge there than the average person due to other media I’ve engaged with, but I’m also not a huge sailing buff with a ton of absorbed vocabulary either.
And now for spoiler stuff…
-
I chose to give the captain a comfortable retirement, but the option to bring the captain for a court martial seems strange to me. It was definitely reckless given the state the ship was in but we won the engagement with minimal casualties (RIP Hunter). I suspect this option would make more sense if I didn’t manage to win. The captain also definitely seemed to prefer the choice I made, but I was a bit hesitant to make it because I wasn’t sure if they would see it as me marooning them while they were unconscious or not.
-
When I took the enemy crew prisoner in exchange for a promise not to escape, it mentioned I brought the purser out to translate Oriolenn. I had previously chosen to be a spy and the description for that mentions my ‘facility with languages’ so, while it’s possible I just don’t speak Oriolenn specifically, it would make sense to add a check there. There’s a variable for this already (other_function) which the startup code suggests should be related to being a spy, but the choice sets “pcspecial” instead. Which is very close to the other variable “pcspecialty” so I could see that getting confusing.
-
The captain said my basic shiphandling was mediocre and sent me to Ahmet for lessons despite me choosing navigator as my specialty, which felt very odd. Turns out this was due to my Charm and Perception being higher than my Sailing, but my Sailing wasn’t bad by any means. The other two were just my best stats.
3 Likes
@HarrisPS Thank you so much for taking a look at my demo! I am so pleased you enjoyed it, too! I loved Hornblower when I was young as well. I am particularly happy you liked the action sequences! I am a very ‘let’s all sit down with a cup of tea’ writer, so I worked hard on those bits that fell further outside my comfort zone.
You know, I actually hadn’t considered the Ancient Mariner - I must re-read!
Thanks so much for your notes on character, too. That is one of the things I enjoy most about your work so I am really happy to have your thoughts on mine. That’s a really good point about making unearned generalisations about the character. It’s a hangover from writing in other media, I think - usually, you are allowed to tell your reader what people are like! But these notes will make the characters feel much deeper.
I will add the list of bugs (such as meeting the cat twice) and minor suggestions to my ever-growing to-do list!
Re: prologue, yes, I agree. I’m going to re-write it so you get a mini-adventure with one of the three ROs. I love your note about making the Merediths one half of the brawl, too! One of those notes that seem obvious when you hear them!
@ChanceOfFire Excited to get more notes from you - thanks so much for going back to the demo. Yes, good point about shooting the birds - that does make more sense. I want them climbing the mast though, so I might come up with a better excuse for them to do it!
Regarding throwing the water overboard, this actually was something that could be (and was) done quickly and easily in extremis. Water is essential, yes, but it is also easy to come by unless you are far out in the ocean. It is also heavy, so makes a big difference quite quickly. However, you make an excellent point that I forgot to mention leaving people on deck to steer, and I forgot to record a way to remember that you lost all your stuff!
Regarding throwing the survivors overboard. Yes, that is something I have been having trouble with. I really hate it, but on the other hand I want some key cultural differences that aren’t just in the direction of crew wellbeing and explore the darker side of the differences the magic might lead to. I also want to give the player the option to be a bastard! But I don’t think I’ve hit the right note because I don’t like this bit either! Also, it is going to cause me trouble if I allow the player to do things all the ROs will find abhorrent.
Really glad you found the taking of the privateer exciting! And thanks again for your notes.
@Retrokinesis Hello! Hooray! I am so glad you enjoyed the demo! Oh, good point about your home island. I had been planning to put in a map of the world, but I hadn’t considered that you might not want to choose your home island at random! Thanks.
Yes, good point about spending more time with the main characters. It is at present very focused on whoever you choose to spend lots of time with in chapter 2. I think I maybe need another scene at the wardroom table, where you can interact with everyone a little bit rather than one person a lot. I am also, as discussed above, going to alter the prologue to introduce the main ROs there too.
Competence! I am so glad the balance is working! I had the same thought when I was designing it - the game just makes no sense if the player is not basically competent at their job. It also gives me the opportunity to let the player decide to do something based on vibes (‘do some sneaky sailing,’ for example), which I can then translate into something more technical in execution.
The captain’s recklessness: good point. I need to tone that up I think. Also very true that they are unconscious!! I had forgotten that but you are the second person to point it out!
Not speaking Oriolenn is a bug, thanks.
Being great a sailing and being told you suck: yes, I can change that. I do also think maybe the game is a bit overpowered at present anyway. You can end up with extremely high scores in all three of the ROs’ areas. Maybe I should tone it down a bit? Or oppose them more?
Anyway, thank you all so much for your thoughts - you are the best and this is the best forum!
5 Likes
Newsletter out today! This time, I talk you through the ship I used as the basis for your ship in the game, and show you the schematics I have drawn for it!
10 Likes
I made a post about the RO I am having the most trouble with…
7 Likes
Today’s newsletter outlines my possibly bonkers vision of getting natural light into the ship’s lower decks by turning the masts into giant sun tunnels! This one took absolutely ages!
11 Likes
I like the worldbuilding and the setting! Magic at sea is always so atmospheric, and I think it’s cool how you have it tied to people’s emotions and wellbeing. That’s a unique way to connect the mechanics and gameplay to the character development and relationships. I’m looking forward to playing more!
However, I had a bit of trouble with the stat mechanics and the clarity of some of the choices. Frequently I ended up boosting a completely different stat than I intended.
For example:
The stats that tripped me up the most were [Education vs Perceptiveness] and [Tactful vs Charm]. But [Conscientious vs Dutiful] also got me a little muddled, though not as often.
Like here, in the beginning:
‘Discretion and tact’ can be considered kinds of ‘social skills,’ making the final option a bit confusing. I tested it and found out it raised Charm, but I wouldn’t have guessed that unless I checked the stat pages first.
Or, even earlier:
These options also confused me. While this first is clear - I know (it’s corruption) - the other three all seemed to overlap. As I read them, they felt like variations of I don’t know (I’ll ask) and I don’t know (I need to see more) and I don’t know (I’ll look around).
This kind of thing isn’t much of a problem in a WIP, especially not in the opening chapters, but did bog me down at times.
Otherwise, the prose itself is well-written and, aside from that bit of confusion over the stats/choices, everything comes across with clear intent.
I liked playing a ship’s officer, someone with a wide variety of possible skills and weaknesses trying to manage a crew and having high-seas adventures. This felt like exploring a world with a lot of care and love put into it, and I had fun.
4 Likes
Yay, thank you so much! I am so glad you had fun! And thanks also for your comments. It is super useful to know how the choices read, and also a relatively easy fix. I think the different aspects of social skills in particular are something I want to clarify in my mind before I rewrite. I have trouble with ‘perceptive’ because if it’s a social skill as well as a passive ‘environment’ skill, it becomes a bit overpowered. Need to work out how to negotiate that…
I am absolutely itching to get in and rewrite the demo but I have banned myself from doing so until I have submitted chapter 4!
5 Likes
September’s Wheat Googling is mainly about buttons on the ship in my game!
8 Likes
I like the worldbuilding in this and the depth with which the characters are written. For example, we get a good sense of Morgan’s character although I suspect he will still surprise us at some point.
Some things I'd personally like to see in the coming chapters, which you're perhaps already planning to include
-some further history and geography of Maessara, especially for an MC high in duty: what exactly are we feeling bound to? Perhaps solely the Navy, but is there a monarch we’ve sworn an oath to, is there an empire we’re aiming to preserve, is there a homeland whose ideals and quirks and provinces we love? I have the notion of Maessara being vaguely based off some sort of British Empire. Although it’s described as a seafaring, trading nation, the amount of acquired territories suggests something like the ‘absent-mindedness’ of the British Empire or the ‘accidental’ nature of the Roman one. I don’t think I’d be interested in choosing my MC’s origin island/province until we know more about the geography.
-or perhaps you don’t intend to bring politics into the game, or expand the world to that extent; either way, it would be interesting to get a sense for what Maessaran culture is like. The cuisine was briefly touched upon during one of the mealtimes, but drinks, folk songs, non-naval traditions (the naval traditions are well thought out - I particularly liked the mourning clothes), national sayings. Might I bring up, as an example that says a lot about a state in few words, one of our national aphorisms: as Canadian as possible, under the circumstances.
-more battles! I’m sure there will be more engagements coming given the nature of the Meredith’s commission. Broadsides are fun, but maybe ramming and raking fire could be used in future engagements, in the right context and with the appropriate skills. Ramming would be helpful if sailsmanship is high and artillery is low, although admittedly might not work depending on the Meredith’s specific design. An opportunity to assemble a line or flanking maneuver with captured ships would also gladden my MC’s heart.
-more interactions with Morgan. My MC would probably enjoy pushing his buttons.
Unexpected choices/text
Ahmet’s suggestion is implied, I assume, in the look she and my MC shares. She is the other officer my MC has spent the most time with. However, Evans and Davies haven’t voiced their opinions yet but these are presented in the choices as though the MC knows what their thoughts are.
I do like the tension you’re creating by presenting the lore that morale leads to thaumic advantage, while also giving us the scene at the beginning where signs of magical disfavour are showing in Aberporth. On the way to Floresta, the text said the food was spoiling on the ship despite my crew’s morale being 71%. I wasn’t sure if this was a coding error, or if 71 is deemed low, or if it was meant to be another suggestion of the new disturbance where morale no longer guarantees thaumic favour. If the last, perhaps that could be picked up on by an observant MC.
Proofreading
This text will be hidden
“The settled confidence of a person absolutely in unknown element.” I’ve read over this sentence a few times and feel like a word may be missing here, although it may equally be my reading comprehension skills failing.
You mentioned Britishisms in your original post. Does the CoG style guide call for American English or something? I believe in AE it’d be ‘meter’. There was also mention of a waterbutt at the beginning of the battle scene, not sure what that means in a naval context, but on its own it is a very New Zealand term to me.
Edit to add: I can’t see your linked tumblr posts, just their headlines and a few beginning sentences. So I don’t know about your specific troubles with writing Davies. My MC hasn’t spent any time with her and probably won’t given he is duty and order focused while Davies is, well, absent-minded, but in terms of character she strikes me as a cross between a wholesome-Irish-lass and the girl-next-door kind of character, who does not seem to belong on a military adventure. If that helps in any way. My expectation as a reader would be that she would have some kind of backstory that explains both why she’s different from the other officers and why she nevertheless became an officer.
2 Likes
@retrovirus thank you so much for your comments (and for playing my demo)!
I am so glad you enjoyed the worldbuilding. I love worldbuilding and tend to get quite carried away with it so I am really glad it is landing. Character depth is also really important to me, so very pleased that is doing its job too.
I really enjoyed your list of things you would like to see. Regarding what a high-duty MC is actually bound to, you raise a very interesting question. I really like the aesthetics of the Age of Sail, but I don’t like empires, so I have tried to create a world that has long-established trading relationships instead. Measarra doesn’t have territories, really, but it does have favoured trading partners. Of course, this does beg the question of why they are at war with Bronoriole. I think the honest reason is because war is really good for the economy, but I am still a little bit hazy on what their internal rational for it is.
Yes, fleshing out folk songs, national cuisine, sayings etc. is definitely something I want to do a lot more of. It kind of emerges as I write more of the story. For example, I spent quite a lot of time recently deciding what meat Measarreans are and aren’t willing to eat, which involved deciding some fairly deep things about how they relate to the magic, and which animals are capable of interacting with the magic. So that will go into my redraft of the demo chapters when I do it.
Other stuff I basically invent when it comes up. There are a couple of poems and a folk story available in chapter 3, for example. I love that sort of thing. I have a folk tale in my head about two lovers whose love was so powerful that the magic destroyed their town when they were separated (impossible, of course, since magic responds to communities rather than individuals). But I haven’t decided who will tell it yet. Ellis, probably.
Yes, don’t worry, there will indeed be more battles! And opportunities to actually use tactics rather than just 'go straight at ‘em!’
Interesting that Morgan has captured your imagination. Duly noted. 
Thanks for the typo fixes. And yes, 71% should not be considered low!!
Yes, the style guide calls for AE, which in my case involves a lot of FIND/REPLACE, because I can’t get my brain to remember to use it. I also struggle a little bit because some things are archaic. I should probably find out how the American Navy spelled them.
Oh. Could you tell me why you can’t see my linked tumblr posts? It should be possible to just click through but possibly I need to change a setting.
Anyway, thank you again for your extremely thoughtful and intelligent comments!
4 Likes
Sometimes Tumblr truncates posts when not logged in. Let me see…
Hmm, I’m not able to replicate it.
Thank you! Let me shout out your WIP on it. I quite like your game.
2 Likes
Ah, bless you for checking! Thanks! Also I just found your WIP on tumblr and it looks awesome!
2 Likes