You wrote the scenario so the only way for the MC to avoid using lethal force is using the literally superhuman government sponsored super-assassin skills Eden doesn’t actually possess.
If you had just written Flavia being upset about the loss of life, that would make sense.
Instead you wrote her stating how she’s going to be honest in her report like she thinks that Eden broke a rule by not letting Flavia get murdered by machetes.
Since I can state with 100% certainty that there is no such rule as “Stand there and let yourself or other police officers get murdered rather than use lethal force,” that does not make sense.
You can fix it in one of two ways.
Give us an option to avoid using lethal force that doesn’t involve using literally superhuman government sponsored super-assassin skills. In which case her response would be in fact appropriate.
Or change her response so she expresses personal disapproval without indicating that she thinks that Eden works for people who are in fact pro- cops getting murdered with machetes.
That would also make sense.
But her acting like Eden would get in trouble for not letting her get murdered with machetes is nonsense.
@stsword Killing the thugs or letting F die aren’t the only options. And no, the option to take them out in a non-lethal manner doesn’t require superpowers, especially because you have the jump on them. In the very next instant, F (who doesn’t have superpowers) takes out two others with much less of an advantage. Disbaling two untrained thugs from behind—who are busy shooting at someone else—isn’t a stretch. Most assuredly not in this fictional world.
As a humble reader with zero writing experience it is my sworn duty to give you some pros and cons so far in the story, every authors favorite
Pros:
Im an assassin, thats pretty fucking rad
The plot is interesting, going undercover is always fun
Many skills to choose from
Many characters which have pre-existing connections
Cons:
all over the place pacing wise, confusing at times
The interactions feel a little off, especially with RO’s
The lack of neutral options is a bit disappointing
A lot of lore thrown in really early, hard to keep up with.
Forced to be a flirt by default? Pretty off-putting
Overall the bones are here for a good story, it just needs some adjustments and cleaning up and you’ve got something solid here. Best of luck
Yeah so at many points throughout the story if your going for a stoic/broody mc you have random moments of extreme friendliness or straight up flirting(which is fine when undercover but jarring when not). The main example here is the desk lady, the only way to not be flirty is by being prick, this ties back into the lack of neutral options. I would enjoy having more of an acknowledgment without much emotion tied in.
There were a few more examples but its been a few days since i read it and cant recall specifics
@Vikingxodio I found one instance of forced flirting. It was because of an error in coding, and it’s been fixed. I have also tried to add the option to be stoic on every choice. And when there’s a reaction without a choice, it only happens when you have already picked that personality in the preceding choice. But I’ll see if I can find more.
i’ve been enjoying this book and im excited to see more! one thing, though. i found a mistake/text inconsistency on chapter three regarding flavia’s driving with eden? i said that flavia should drive, however, the bottom text says that eden is the one manuevering the car out of the parking area.
edit: so the inconsistency didn’t just last in one page? it seemed to last the entire drive (as flavia told eden to floor it, it’s in the photo), making it seem like i was the one driving instead of her.
and last thing!! is there no way to avoid kairi’s death? my apologies if this has been asked before!
