Okay, this was very, very good. Usually, games like these, we need to pay one or two chapters to truly get a sense of the danger we’re facing. But almost the entire prologue kept me gripping. I was really immersed in the story. But like a few others have mentioned above, some places felt a little off.
For example, the explosion. When I read it, I didn’t properly realise the scale of the explosion until the ending. Maybe an expression of horror, or since the MC might be used to these, a dialogue like “If Bale wanted to keep things low, then this definitely isn’t helping” would be better.
And the agent we were supposed to meet. Before entering the building, we were given an option that “I have to go inside if there’s a chance to save her.” But later, even though Richard says she’s alive, the MC and Richard don’t even think about saving her after they go through the items. I understand that it’s a do or die situation they both are in, but at least when we’re jumping off the window, it would be nice if there’s an option that allows us to glance at them and think “I wish I could save her, but there isn’t time.”
And yeah, that plot twist (or is it a plot twist if that’s what causes the story to happen?), damn. The conversation with Richard later after getting away deepens the impact. That scene was beautifully written. I’m really looking forward to the next update!
The setup for the MC’s motivation would be on chapter 1 since it feels more fitting for it to be there, and the MC’s opinion about the marshal would be a choice for the reader when the probation actually comes (could also do it in chapter 1 if it would fit). The marshal merely approached them in here due to the MC’s reputation. So at this point, all that the MC knows about the marshal mostly come from rumors.
However, I suppose I could make that clear in the prologue, and I can also describe what the rumors were all about.
Will take care of this.
Thank you! I can’t believe I actually missed that.
I like how you get the option to subvert the detective trope of being a heavy drinker and just go in the complete opposite direction and say you don’t drink
I wish, when deciding the relationship with Richard, it was seperate from whether or not you were fine with his actions as a criminal. I don’t like him, but that’s unrelated. My thought was to add options like that, mixing those parts of the choice instead of only “dislike and lawful”, neutral, and “like and unlawful”.
I can say that, our protagonist’s actions and thinking (from the texts I chose) reminded me a little bit of Sherlock Holmes (meaning the: perceptions and being able to get through the problem with using enviroment.). + similar to the Breach: The Archangel Job.
I love this!
Sherlock Holmes and Agatha Christie’s books were some of the first novels I read when I was little, so I’m glad to hear it.
Haven’t played Breach, though. Will try it in the future.
The next update (Ch. 1) will be posted around third or fourth week of February. It might come out earlier if things go well and I don’t run into unexpected interruptions (though it may also be delayed if I end up revising a lot on my own), but I decided to give a somewhat conservative estimate to be sure. I wanted to finish it at first by the end of January, but I just recovered from a flu, so I’m taking it easy until the headaches completely go away.
If there’d be no changes in my plans, Chapter 1 would mostly have character interactions + just a little bit of action. You’ll also meet some of the ROs, and you’ll have some glimpses into the lore and MC’s family. The customization of the MC’s appearance will be there, too.
I can’t say anything more that won’t spoil what happens, so I’ll stop there. Still, I can tell you that this is definitely gonna be a fun chapter to write.
Only bookmarked it for now – there are so many interesting wips here, I’m in love! But I wondered, are you’re planning to create a tumblr blog for it as well? <3
I haven’t decided yet, honestly. I’ve never had a tumblr before and someone has advised against it. Still, I do recognize that there seems to be a lot of benefits to creating one as well. I might make the decision after uploading the next update.
Tumblr has its best years behind it and it’s a little clunky - but it does make keeping in touch easier. But so does twitter or instagram it all depends what you find more convenient
I liked the Prologue a lot, I do believe in starting with explosions
Still trying to choose between tumblr and twitter
Might opt for tumblr, though, even if I’m a complete noob at it (or maybe I’ll just use both)
Thank you! There will be more of that, of course
I love writing scenes with explosions, but only when it’s directly related to the flow of the plot and not totally random
oh hello i am a big fan of betrayal and angst
i also adore your writing style and to the surprise of absolutely no one , i look forward for whatever’s to come
@clementine Glad to hear that! Writing angst into a story is still something I’m being careful with, since it can be too much sometimes, but I’m happy you like it.
Now, just a progress report. Chapter 1 is currently around 17,000 words excluding the commands, but it’s not yet done. Hopefully, I can finish it by the end of February, but as I said, that’s just an estimate. I’ll proceed to creating a tumblr once that’s done. I’ll be adding details to the RO descriptions by that time, too.
UPDATE!!
(I have no proper excuse. I know I said I was going to post an update on February, but the chapter was longer than I expected and there were a lot of variations now. Enjoy!)
Total Word Count w/o commands: 73,632 words
There will be new saves for this.
NEW CONTENTS
Chapter 1 uploaded (44,633 words w/o commands)
Romance Options and family introduced
Choose appearance, sexual orientation, and motivations
Feedbacks for Prologue applied (additional choices and scenes)
More lore about the city
Choose your character’s cover
Confront Bale. Again.
Peek into the MC’s past.
Some changes in the stats
Follow me on Tumblr and feel free to send some asks!
I swear. I’m going to update the stats explanations and RO details tomorrow after some sleep. Also expect to see some additions in the stats after I do so.
TIP: Every skill route will eventually have their exclusive scenes that are very relevant to the story. In this chapter, the Charisma stat has that advantage. There are also some remnants for the Force stat that started from the Prologue, so enjoy finding them.
For now, I’ll just say that these skills won’t always be helpful in every single situation, and this game would depend mostly on the decisions you make and your relationships with the characters (not simply on stat checks alone).
And please anyone tell me how to enlarge texts in this forum lol.
it all depends what you find more convenient 
and to the surprise of absolutely no one , i look forward for whatever’s to come