Heavens’ Revolution: A Lion Among the Cypress (WIP)

I’m a bit confused. I thought the MC was visiting their brother simply because they were ordered to do so, but apparently they were always thinking of releasing their brother? I imagined there would be an option to want to do that, but it seems like every option implies a desire to do so, if not intent. Even the option that says I shouldn’t have come here. There’s no way I’ll be able to free Navid. Not legally, anyway. Yes, I should have come there, because… I was told to. I didn’t come to release him. It’s also very odd that the MC tells the guard that his brother isn’t a Revolutionary. Er… how would I know that? Maybe he is.

@geldar can’t help with all of that at the moment but the last bit about telling the guard the brother isn’t a revolutionary. Your right you can’t know until you well know :smiley:. Essentially when it comes to family at least most of the time in such a situation exspecially if your close is to defend them saying they are innocent. Hope that helps at least a little bit :smiley:

I mean, if that’s the type of person the MC is, I don’t know why there’s an Honesty scale. Seems pretty clear they’re not honest. About much of anything, really.

Hey there,

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I’m looking forwards to reading it. :slight_smile:

Feedback

  • I love your setting, and the real world cultures and experiences that you have clearly drawn from. I will admit however that I felt totally alien to the setting as a reader from a white British background. The almost old middle-eastern atmosphere that this book permeates made me feel distinctly aware of my lack of connection, culturally, with what was written. HOWEVER, I feel like this is fantastic. It allows me as the reader, to not only expand my cultural capital in developing an appreciation for cultures that are similar to the one of your setting. But also, since I feel so alien to your setting, I found myself experiencing a deep curiosity. I wanted to know what every new word meant, I wanted to learn about the headwear the MC could choose to wear from. All in all, I think by developing the specific setting in the way you have, readers who are taking the time to enjoy your work will hopefully find themselves in the same situation as I; being totally engrossed in the world you’ve built.
  • I feel that your development of ‘astral-chemistry’ is done with exceptional finesse. By breaking it down into easy categories that for the most part are in line with many diverse sectors of real life ingenuity, I felt that the concept of astralchemistry was immediately accessible and I wasn’t at a loss for what on earth I was supposed to be reading or understanding. This simplicity works well in my opinion for the main concept/system that the MC will be engaging in, as it allows us as the reader the ability to enjoy what we’re doing, rather than spend extensive time trying to develop some sense of what we’re doing. Setting = Alien and Complex which is good. Astralchemistry = Simple and based in some sense of reality which is good.
  • Your choices for who the MC is interested in romantically and sexually are handled very well I think. Doesn’t force any defined label on individuals and allows people to select where they best feel they want their MC to belong.
  • I felt that the choices you presented had a clear correlation to the stats they effected and as a reader, it allowed me to feel in tune with the character I was beginning to build. Well done :slight_smile:

General Thoughts
I will start with honesty, having read through I don’t necessarily feel that it is the type of book I would read. The story for me isn’t what I’d normally read. HOWEVER, that is not to say it isn’t great. I think your pacing and opportunities for character development are achieved incredibly well. And I most certainly will be reading the full thing once its out, if only for the incredible setting and systems you’ve created.

I am in love with this setting, I think it is incredibly interesting to learn and read about and has prompted me to do some reading into Irani and similar cultures to deepen my understanding of words, concepts or things that you may mention within. All in all, a very exciting project that I am looking forwards to keeping up to date with. :+1:

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Thanks for the feedback! I take your point about intent. Other players have also expressed frustration with the Navid storyline, and while I’ve added an option to opt out, I can see why you’d still feel railroaded with some of the early choices. This is in my changelog to address in the coming weeks.

I’m so glad you enjoyed it, despite it not being the type of story you’d typically read! This feedback is all incredibly helpful.

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There’s an option to opt out…? Opt out of what, exactly? Going to see your brother, or trying to free him? And can I opt out without disobeying orders?

To opt out of both seeing him and trying to free him. The player is under no orders to visit Navid, though I can see why it might feel that way (which I will fix).

Oh, yeah, I definitely thought that was an order. Though I probably still would visit him, but it makes the opt-out of freeing him option make more sense, if it was actually my choice to go there. It’s still somewhat awkward though, with the implication that freeing him was my purpose in going there, which… it never was, for me.

Though, perhaps there’s no visitation? It would make sense, and the game doesn’t seem to permit that option. In which case, the MC would probably know that, but I don’t know that as the player. If there’s no visitation, I wouldn’t go.

Despite not being from Iran, I’m still from a nation close to Iran and has had alot of Iranian influence (including my own ancestry) So its great to see a game like this where I can somewhat relate to the culture despite not being Zoroastrian, if anything im supposed to be the bad guy in the game (i was raised Shia) nonetheless its been fun for me to try to get the theological and historical references spread throughout the game, I do wonder how the 12 Imam thing will be dealt with if its ever going to be a thing, but besides that this has been a great update and I can’t wait for more!

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Noted! I appreciate you taking the time to articulate this.

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Oh wow, I’m so glad to hear this!

My intent was to make things more gray/muddled, so I hope that even though the She’ri are conquerors, it’s understood that the religion itself isn’t the enemy. It’s very important to me not to reinforce any kind of Islamophobia, especially as someone who comes from a long line of (mostly non-practicing) Shias.

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I didn’t mean what I said about “being the bad guy” as a bad statement, infact I’m happy for it, as being from the middle east, you most likely know that every group or nation seems to show themselves as the heroes of every event, from war to simple philosophical or theological disagreements, so its fun to see a different point of view, one that I would somewhat agree with tbh, especially when you learn how Shah Ismail I, made Iran majority Shia and then how the Mullas began to increase their influence and power during the Qajar period.

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Fair point! I appreciate this perspective.

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Hi all!

For those who missed the 12/29 update above, I’m pasting it again here.

I can’t believe it’s been more than six months since my last update! This year has continued to be incredibly busy, but I’m in the process of streamlining my life so I can properly prioritize this game.

I’ve posted two new chapters and one new sub-chapter, totaling ~29K new words. These include:

  • An opportunity to bribe the warden who holds your brother captive!
  • An opportunity to visit your cousin’s kebab shop (and ask your family for money)!
  • A meeting with the head of the bazaari guild!
  • A deadly attack on the Grand Bazaar!
  • An evening with the satrap’s daughter, where you can court favor with the heads of various organizations, including the satrap herself!

FYI, there’s still a LOT of feedback from previous chapters that I haven’t addressed yet. In the interest of continuing to make headway on new chapters, I’ll be working my way through all of your notes after I hit my word count each day.

Sal-e no mobarak (Happy New Year) and enjoy!

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I was so happy that I could finally use my own name for the MC without it feeling out of place, then I see our brother is already named Navid, damn it!

The demo is fantastic so far, it’s nice to see the Persian culture get some love :heart:

The only thing that came to my mind while playing this was the constant influx of new words, that I don’t know the meaning or pronunciation of, could maybe be a little immersion breaking if I didn’t speak Farsi.

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Haha, sorry!

Glad to hear you enjoyed it! I’m still finding the right balance for Farsi words. I agree that it’s probably too much right now. (I might even implement an option at the beginning where you can select how much Farsi you want to see.)

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I loved the game. really good. The originality of the subject and the world and its resemblance to real culture are very balanced. my feedback: maybe more mc names can be added, there is little information about religions, it is almost undefined, the padeshah and satrap have no surnames, I really do not understand the symbol on the padeshah’s flag, we have very few character relations points, for example only Farhat from the family of Kimyagar. I hope it was useful. The game is very good and I’m looking forward to the next chapter.

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I’m so glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the feedback! I’ll incorporate this into my next round of revisions.

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I wonder what are differences of beliefs between the Ophidians and the Radiants besides differences between what they worship? (I just got to the choosing between one, the other or none)

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