On the technical side, I’m really impressed: besides a couple of nitpicks and the POV transitions sometimes not being clear (Jared’s being particularly unnoticeable), this is really tight writing, especially (but not only) as a first work.
On the narrative side, it’s also very good. You do a great job, particularly, on dropping hints on what the birthmark does without giving it away completely, a line that tends to be hard to thread. Great job on passing on the characters’ personalities.
Can’t wait to see more of it.
I’m still smarting from your brown eyes remark, though.
Also, definitely need an option to to punch K in the face for trying to muck up my mind.
Inevitable question on romance progress: is there a romance-lock path (i.e., does the game lock into “this is the RO for this playthrough”) and, if so, how does it lock? Is it based on the flirt status? On whom you pick to check on you in the study room (which is itself limited by whose files you read)?
Haha, I hope you enjoyed it.
As a bit of a side note, I’ve seen your comments around on the forums for stories/WIPs you read and I can tell that you’re a valuable reader and feedback giver, so I feel honoured that you checked out my story.
I’ll look back on this and see if I can make it clearer in the next update.
Thank you so much for the positive comments, they really mean a lot, especially when writing a first book. I want to be an author that has emotion and description come out in her writing, so I’m hoping that’s seen.
Aw, I have dark brown eyes and generally they’re seen as less attractive that other eye colours so I put that in, haha.
Done with good intention, but yup, going through someone’s mind warrants the other person to be angry — it’s definitely why I gave the annoyed/angry option for all the ROs when the MC talks about it at the end of chapter 8. No violent option though.
Yes, eventually there will be a romance lock - I’m thinking that it’ll be around chapter 15, and that’s where the public demo will stop (it was originally going to stop at chapter 10, but I realised that was super soon and extended it).
So, the MC will be able to choose whichever RO as their romance lock route no matter what. There will be subtle text/dialogue changes depending on things like how many flirt points you have with the RO you choose, whether your MC chose more shy/confident flirt choices with that RO etc.
Not everyone is comfortable with flirting with someone/flirting with them straight away so I didn’t want flirt points to determine what route the MC can pursue; and I’d never want to lock the MC out of any of the main romance routes as they’re crucial to the story.
For me, I do think that some the flirting options kind of felt out of nowhere. During serious discussion or during heavy plot moments, I do feel weird if suddenly the mc start to flirt with the ROs.
But I do love the update!! How you write the murder/supernatural mystery is truly engaging:+1:
I think everything has come a long way in the space of a year, haha. I’m glad you’re a fan of the development between both the ROs and the MC.
Yes, I’ll definitely be going into more of the backstories of the characters, we’re 8 chapters into the first book and there are two or three more books to go so there’s a lot more to get through.
I’m glad you enjoyed the update and thank you for your kind comments
Ah, I do get what you mean with at least one of the flirt options - and it’s definitely a reason why the MC doesn’t have to engage with any of them at all, but probably also adds a bit of a lighter moment to serious stuff that’s happened.
A huge thanks to you for giving me this feedback, I’ll take this on board!
I’ve reread this, since I can’t quite get enough of it. I once again have to compliment how well written this is. I was worried with a second read being a bit sluggish, but nope. The pacing is great and I actually really like how the change in perspectives break things up a bit and allow the reader to breathe for a moment and therefore keeps them interested.
Also –
I really hope we get to explore Asher’s past as we go on. Being a demigod from ancient Greece, I imagine that he has seen and done a lot. I’d love to learn way more about him.
A question I do have, from what you’ve written so far. Who is your favourite character?
gasp A stalker! peers out of blinds, boards up windows
I didn’t mention this, but it really is - it does have the advantage that it’s close enough to contemporary real world that it doesn’t need much of an info dump to begin with, but it doesn’t, for example, dwell overlong on the “your past as a rich kid” topic, instead interspersing that info along the narrative.
It also doesn’t go too many screens without giving you a choice except during the council meeting (where you can’t have choices because you are not there), and there’s enough narrative progress in that scene to distract from the fact (also, it gives you your first contact with the “we should kill them” stance, which is always a good way to distract players from literally anything else). It replaces “choice tension” with “people are willing to kill you because you’re an inconvenience tension”, which still gives you tension.
Also, I’m a dumbass who took THIS long to realise that the MC is a “golden” child, even without taking the birthmark into account.
I’m so happy that the replay-ability of the game is working well. I know that it’s super important in IF, but as the author, and one who writes so many words, it can be hard to make out if the replay feature is there or not — so I’m glad it’s there, alongside the pacing, pacing is something I wanted to get spot on too so thanks to you and @JBento for your feedback on that.
Haha, promise I’m not a stalker I think we’re into the same genre of IFs so I do see your comments about the forum.
Yes, this will definitely be explored, more so if you choose A’s romance route and also because it’s a huge part of their tragic backstory and why they are the way they are personality wise.
Hm, when writing in game, all the ROs are a lot easier to write than the when I answer scenario asks on Tumblr. I love all the ROs for completely different reasons, especially for the traits that are their obvious flaws.
To choose a side character, I’d probably go for Walter — I’ve gotten such a good response from readers about him, especially for those who have a bad relationship with Jared/both parents. He’s also very genuine and caring, and he’s ended up being a much bigger influence on the MC/in the story than I intended.
Aha, yes, if you’ve been here since the beginning then I’ve really changed as an author from the naive one I was a year ago (fingers crossed it’s a good change!)
Ah, yep, some Tumblr users have had a bit of a meltdown about Jordan not being an RO - I’m thinking of writing drabbles/fics about extras that don’t make it into the game and I may put it on Ko-Fi or create a Patreon; so I may write stuff about Jordan x MC on there, just an idea.
I’m sorry that people have been giving you a hard time over Jordan. If it’s a widespread issue and/or continues to be one, it may be better to drop the possibility of her being the MC’s ex entirely. If nothing else, it could help manage reader expectations for this story, especially if there’s ultimately something going on with Jordan and Tristen.
There will always be readers who want to romance a non-RO. But when I first read the demo, everything about Jordan being your ex, from the description of how she and the MC got together to the brief mention of the breakup, screamed, “Jordan’s an RO and this is all buildup” to me. I was admittedly surprised when you said that she wasn’t romanceable, and I’ve been wondering for some time if I was just reading too much into things or if the demo had created an expectation among readers that she was an RO.
This is something I don’t say lightly since what you’ve written is very emotional and moving, and it may not be possible with what you have already written/planned. You certainly shouldn’t change the story just because some people got upset at your creative decisions, either.
Now, please don’t get me wrong, it’s not my place or intention to tell you what you should or shouldn’t do with your own story, so I apologize if that’s how I’m coming across.
Is it hard to reimagine a character going from non-romantic option to romantic option, while writing material with the original character development still active?
I ask this, because I am afraid this very thing might happen in my story, and I do not think I’ll be able to write such drabbles/fics, or extras such as you are thinking of doing without them influencing my original story.
My experience was different. Jordan screams out to me as being that one individual in your life that is best as your best friend, and if you attempt to go further, it actually ends up being worse. So, everything I read pushed Jordan into bff territory for me. I felt mila had nailed it, having had such a person in my life.
Yes, I now understand how I’ve written Jordan in as a character, especially as she’s still very close to the MC with her best friend role whether she’s the MC’s ex or not. I try to be an emotional and descriptive reader, so I definitely get why people would want to see her as an RO if my writing has come off well.
She’s still a huge part of the story, especially in book 2 as she’ll have more to her role when it comes to the ROs, and having her as an ex just gives the MC another additional element to when they’re on the romance lock with one of the team members.
It’s not been too much of a problem as of now so I think I’ll keep her as an ex to the MC, though your suggestion is 100% valid so you don’t have to apologise for it at all.
For me, it isn’t hard. The drabbles/fics I may write will be more about the past relationship Jordan/Tristen and the MC may have had if the reader went down their ex-boyfriend/girlfriend route.
In terms of your own story, I think it’s good to remember that there are ideas that you may end up having that won’t make it into your game, and if there’s enough for you to want to continue that idea into another aspect, then writing them as a fic may allow you to have that creative license with that idea without it impacting your original story.
Another thing that I found out due to me planning my chapters by hand before actually writing them, sticking to the solid plan (I know not every writer can/does this) and seeing where extra could have fit in may give you the idea to write an additional fic or side story.
Doing these extras definitely isn’t a must, so if you think it takes away from your original story then I’d suggest not doing it as the main story will be your focus.
So glad that you think so. I think this goes back to me trying to be a creative, emotional and descriptive writer which can cause readers to interpret things in different ways (which is completely fine, I love knowing what people’s ideas and theories are about my game).
Aaand another great update, Mila! The story is getting more and more interesting, the pacing is top notch, as others already mentioned.
And I can’t get enough of my boy Kaidan. I think he is my second favourite LI from all IF games right now and there’s a good chance for a tie with Mason from The Wayhaven Chronicles in the near future
They look very similar, don’t they? And yet, considering that M’s the one who voices that you should be the one to pick what training you get, I DO wonder how they’d react to K’s mindfogging.
Apparently I’m guilty of having a type
I agree, they look very similar and yet they are very different which is great. Mason is very straight forward and I bet he wouldn’t do the memory altering.
Pshhht, having a type is weak. What, do you expect me to go for Wayhaven’s M, Relics’s Amazonian, Mind Blind’s… Rosy…, Jolly Good’s… Fitzie… Uh. I… Er…
I think we’re into the same genre of IFs so I do see your comments about the forum.
