The fight has one outcome where Rebel points the gun at you. With that you can either get shot or back off. And right now Rage choices are blocked to when its narratively significant, because at the moment Ares has not ascended yet.
9 Likes
Alright
1 Like
Even though I grabbed the money during the prologue, the interaction in Chapter 1 acts like I didn’t.
1 Like
The money’s a bit bugged atm. There are also a few places that take it all instead of just deducting a small amount. I have it fixed on my end, but since only one choice is affected at the end I won’t update it until I have a bigger hotfix. So saves don’t get deleted, but it will be fixed!
6 Likes
Oh I am loving this so much
Jackie
So…we can all agree Jackie’s full of it, right? Just a major manipulator? Maybe I’m biased from other depictions of Zeus being…Zeus, or maybe it’s because I’m playing my MC as someone who adamantly denies being Ares and doesn’t want to be that guy, but I feel like she’s shady as all getout. Between trying to get you to toss her off a roof, to trying to get you to mutilate Pete, to telling everyone to not tell you what Ares did to make everyone hate you behind your back, I haven’t seen this many red flags at a freaking communist convention. The most generous interpretation is that she just can’t accept that MC just isn’t the same person anymore, though I personally suspect she just wants to convince you to go back to being her personal enforcer (presumably again) and doesn’t wanna risk you being repulsed by whoever you were. I’m so glad we have options to absolutely not drink the kool-aid and not only be suspicious but also straight up call Jackie out on this stuff.
Ares
Speaking of which, now I’m more curious than ever about what Ares did that has everyone on edge. I can take several wild guesses, but it’s driving me mad that nobody’s said anything and doubly so that Jackie explicitly forbade it so here I am cleaning up messes and getting flak without knowing what I did wrong. Or what Ares did wrong because I’m totally not a god; that’s what I’m sticking with until the world explodes. I’d guess he used the others as punching bags or something; judging from everyone’s reactions, they’re terrified of MC flying into a rage, and I’d go so far as to suspect Zeus enabled this since…well, nobody disobeys Zeus. Could be wrong though since the matter seems complicated, as they usually are with gods.
I love how even though you don’t remember, nobody is willing to take that as an out for Ares because whatever he did, the consequences were lasting and real.
Also Dame, dearie me, the drama; I knew things were gonna be dramatic, but this is drama drama, and I am all here for it.
11 Likes
I’ve carefully read through the code of the prologue and found some things. I’ve also some thoughts on some plot stuff. Using the hide details thingy to make things easier to read.
Also, apologies in advance if any of the comments on commas are incorrect, I’m Norwegian, we love using more commas than we actually need when writing.
Spelling 1
You try to think back but you haven’t ever met a Riley before.
Should probably be a comma between back and but.
Spelling 2
“What?” You ask. Is he telling the truth? Since you’ve begun to work with Pete you’ve noticed how your fights don’t actually feel like anything anymore. You thought that maybe the fights were just losing their shine. That what little excitement they had was going away. “Are you fucking serious?” You can’t hide the anger in your voice.
“Yes! What? Did you think you were my golden goose? You’re practically just the ring girl. Wait— Sorry no, the ring girls actually do their fucking job. All you do is have a distinct lack of self-control.”
I think the is should be removed.
Spelling 3
Yeah. Fuck this. Arguing isn’t going to be productive and no doubt he’ll yell at you over something stupid.
You stop before he gets a chance to say anything and double back to your door.
Left of it is a long hall, it’s dark. The lights in the center flicker on and off. Crossing the hall is always fun. The people across from you have their door open at all times almost. A doggy gate blocks it off and a small yorkie yaps at you as you cross. Martina you think her name is. From behind the yapping dog your old neighbors are watching something on T.V. You see some blond actor in armor yelling. Stepping past that, hall hits a set of stairs that are less used and generally better than the main set. You’ve thought about just taking these but the trek from your door through all this adds time. It’s just more convenient to take the main set.
You go down, when you hit the next floor you turn to block your face a bit from your neighbor. He’s still staring up at the main set of stairs, away from you. Yeah the jerk was absolutely going to yell at you for something.
[…]
Needing to leave you murmur out a thanks before going past her and to the back door. It leads to an outside set of stairs which lead up just a few steps to the alley. Finally you’re free.
I think there should be a comma after dog. While T.V is technically also a correct spelling of TV, TV is significantly more common, and TV is used elsewhere in the game.
I think there’s a missing “the” before hall. I think there should be a comma after yeah. There should probably be a comma after leave.
Spelling 4
You roll your eyes. “We weren’t that loud.”
"Loud enough to keep me and the missus. All night!" He says. His face twists as he looks at you, obviously disgusted with even having this conversation.
“You’re overreacting.” You say. You’re ready to just shut him down and move on.
There should probably be an “up” after missus.
Spelling 5
#“Maurice, we don’t need to get the land lord involved.”
*set angry %-5
“Maurice, we don’t need to get the land lord involved.” You say.
You’re already on thin ice with the guy, even something like this might be just the complaint that could push you out of here. You’ve seen kinder people get evicted from this place for far far less.
It’s landlord in one word. It’s such an easy mistake to make, I think you should just ctrl+f for land lord in every chapter.
Spelling 6
“Damiana.” Jackie says, with a clap of her hands she motions towards you. “This is—”
“Don’t care.” $!{dhe} picks dirt from ${dhis} nails, absolutely leaking preformative indifference. $!{dhis} voice is smooth and deep.
Should be performative.
Spelling 7
“Hon, just wait your turn.” She says. Stepping back to the counter. Before you open your mouth she’s already buying a lottery ticket. When she turns to leave you’re trying your best to not scream. It boils over as she passes and taps your arms.
“Go fuck yourself.” The exasperated whisper comes out in more of a grunt than words. as you step forward.
“Oh, I plan on it.” She says back in a sing-song voice.
There shouldn’t be a period after words here.
Spelling 8
The kid speaks up. “Daddy makes a good margarita.” She says with full confidence. Mitch raises an eyebrow at her.
“She’s never had one. But she is right. And don’t tell your mama you know what a margarita is kiddo.” He says.
“I have had one!” She protests
“Really?” He asks, one eyebrow raised as he leans into the counter. “What did it taste like?”
Should probably be a period after protests.
Spelling 9
He gazes at you unimpressed, a slight curve to his lip as if you just said something very funny. “You really believe that?” He asks.
You give a slow almost concerned nod, to which he shrugs.
“You ought to have not come at all if you wanted to leave.” His voice is almost sad.
“what do you mean?”
What should be capitalised.
Spelling 10
Verne raises their brow in surprise, and looks away. "Jackie will love you, even so my job isn’t to play gate keeper."
Should be gatekeeper.
Spelling 11
#I really couldn’t care less about this, it’s hard to hide it on my face.
You look down into the crowd of dancers, lights flash around
Either there is a period missing after around, or the sentence is incomplete.
Spelling 12
*disable_reuse #“American Revolution”
*set guessinggamesig +1
“American revolution?” You say.
“Ha! No. But ask Verne about that, They love stuff from back then.”
They shouldn’t be capitalised.
Spelling 13
“I used to draw on the walls all the time” Your mother used to chase you around with a sponge, making you wash the walls. Eventually, they gave up and realized they’d rather you be forced to paint over your mistakes later.“When I was a teen I upgraded this to full-blown graffiti.” You feel a lump in your throat as you speak, that was after everything happened. When you didn’t have much of anything in your life to care about. You just wanted to make a mark on the world, Something you could see and come back to.
Either the something shouldn’t be capitalised, or the comma before it should be a period.
Spelling 14
Deftly Riley puts ${rhis} hands on the bar and pushes up, throwing ${rhis} legs up and over the bar, landing on the other side. $!{rhe} gives a polite bow before turning to the bottles. “I can’t mix a drink but there’s beer, wine, vodka, and… I think this is whiskey? or bourbon. Whats the difference? It’s all brown. Anyway, lets stay here for a moment, Jackie will call us when they’re ready.” That last comment seems to be funny to ${rhim} as you can tell with ${rhis} little smirk that ${rhe} tries to hide.
Or should be capitalised. Whats should be what’s. Lets should be let’s.
Spelling 15
*if johnnymeet = 0
a man with black hair and pale skin sits. He wears a suit and has piercing blue eyes that stare into you. One arm is wrapped around Damiana.
*if johnnymeet = 1
Johnny sit. The latter having an arm wrapped around the former.
The hide details function eats double spaces, but there are two spaces in the code between “sit.” and “The”.
Spelling 16
You motion around to everyone. “You just told me that I’m family and that I’m more than a human. Let me guess.” You take a moment. “You either think I’m Jesus, or that you’re Jesus.” you motion to Jackie
Jackie waves you off. “No. Listen—” But you forge ahead anyway.
Should be a period after Jackie. Though, since the next sentence also starts with her name, maybe one of the Jackies should be changed into her or she.
Spelling 17
Verne’s indignation rolls out of them like pyroclastic flow. They turn to you fully, and lean forward, as if believing you to have some hidden other-self buried deep within you. With a single humorless laugh they say, “Does it matter?”
“Well I didn’t hurt you.”
Their face doesn’t soften, almost as if it’s impossible. But their next words seem hesitant. “I wish It was you,” they admit, “But I guess you’re innocent.”
I don’t think there should be a - between other and self. “It” shouldn’t be capitalised.
Spelling 18
“It’s better out here than in there, trust me.” You offer them a smile which they seem to accept well enough.
Verne accepts thats, “Why Jackie decided upon a night club of all things is beyond me.”
“You’re also not a fan of the loud music and constant touching?” You chuckle.
Verne stays silent, the only real noise coming from the ones waiting in the line, then they lean a bit closer, "Sweat, actually. But no. I’m not talking about being in the club."
Should be that. I don’t really understand why Verne is saying sweat here, did you mean to write another word?
Spelling 19
She steps up to the counter and laughs as she says something to the cashier. You avert your eyes somewhere less frustrating. The wall, it’s painted white brick is covered in posters and ads for things easily a decade or more old.
You wonder how hard you’d need to punch through it.
Their talk continues. And continues. And continues. Your arms begin to hurt as you hold your items close to yourself. The woman takes out a cherry red pen and writes something on a sheet of paper, sliding it over to the cashier. He takes it and leans against the counter, eyes half-lidded as they talk.
You let out a little cough, in an attempt to get their attention. But nothing. The cashier looks at you over the woman’s shoulder and then turns back to her and laughs about something she’s said.
You cough again, louder this time. The woman looks back now, eyes looking you over. “We’ll just be a sec.” She says before turning back to the cashier.
The two of them whisper something quitter and he lets out a big laugh.
I think there’s some missing words in this sentence.
Should be quieter.
Missing word
“Well, the offer still stands! You can come back!” $!{rhe} shouts as you make your retreat. You round the corner, ignoring it.
There’s a beat of silence before you hear “Never change, asshole.” $!{rhe} whisper from the alley, you turn around and…
Nothing. Riley isn’t there anymore. Must have gone in the door you came out of. Though that normally locks when automatically… You ignore the feeling in your gut and continue on, not wanting to spend another second there.
I think there is a missed “closed” between when and automatically.
Strange reaction
#“I’ve never thought about it. I don’t really care one way or the other.”
“I’ve never thought about it. I don’t really care one way or the other.” you say.
*goto excons
#“Yes. I’ve never been a fan of crime.”
*set jackielove %-15
“Yes.” You say “I’ve never been a fan of crime or criminals.”
*goto excons
It feels a little strange to me that this option and the one below lead to the same reaction from Jackie. I don’t feel like not really caring about that one way or another should come as a surprise. But I fully understand why being against working with ex-cons could be one from a war god lol.
Wording
“I think that’s embezzlement.” You say.
Franco doesn’t seem to care much, he waves off your concern with his hand. “It’s better than asking her for it.”
"I think it’s also evading taxes." You add, unless he claims his stolen goods.
“Only if I don’t file it.”
Not really an error, but I’ve only ever heard of this being called tax evasion.
Blank variable error
#“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” You say, you do of course. He’s completely right. But you’re not about to acknowledge it. It’ll just confirm what he knows.
“Classic. Of course you have no idea. I’m sure if I go up to your place I won’t find @{vice used needles|a stack of half empty bottles|NULL}.” He gives a tired laugh.
“Well you’re not invited into my home.” You say. “Wouldn’t want you ruining the ambiance I have delicately set up.”
“Ambiance.” He says with a scoff. “Yeah I bet your ‘ambiance’ is just as messy and fucked up as you are.”
If I’m reading this correctly, if your vice is sex, he’ll say “Classic. Of course you have no idea. I’m sure if I go up to your place I won’t find.” in play.
Awkward sentence
Your shoulders sink and you step back, trying to make yourself a little smaller. His wife cautiously steps out of the door and over to him. She pats his arm and looks over his shoulder at you.
“I-I’m sorry.” She says to you, then whispers to him. “Lets just go.” He looks at her with a twisted scowl of disgust, it doesn’t change when he looks back over to you except a small smirk.
This sentence sounds awkward to me, but I can’t really point out what sounds wrong about it.
Minor continuity suggestion
#“No, I’m not going to do ‘business stuff’ with some weirdo in a hallway.”
*set angry %+5
“No, I’m not going to do ‘business stuff’ with some weirdo in a hallway.” You say.
“It’s nothing sexual! I want to offer you a job!” $!{rhe} adds quickly.
“Oh, I’m sure. A hand job, a blow job, etcetera, etcetera. Well, the answer’s no. Now fuck off.”
*if (rilnakemet = 1)
“Hey! You’re the one who leaped out at me without any clothes on!” $!{rhe} says. “Don’t call me a creep when you expose your… everything to anyone who knocks on your door.”
*if (rilnakemet = 0)
“I’m not here to proposition you, or whatever you think this is.” $!{rhe} says.
“Right. Well, you’re the one who followed me to the locker room. What? Were you trying to catch a glimpse at all my ‘business stuff’.”
“Of course not! I actually mean it!” $!{rhe} adds quickly, finally getting angry like you are.
Quickly ${rhe} reaches into ${rhis} pocket. You’re gearing up to throw a punch when ${rhe} reveals a card. Not a knife, or a gun, or whatever was flashing through your head.
So, if you let Riley in while naked, you have the rilnakemet = 2. I feel there should be a specific line recognising that it was you who invited Riley in while naked. If there is anyone here who is a creep, it isn’t Riley, it’s you.
Choice angry stat gain comment
*disable_reuse #“No.”
*set angry %+5
*set nochoicest +1
It’s a simple, magical phrase. One that snuffs out hope for a peaceful solution. You don’t want a peaceful solution if you’re being honest.
“No.” You say. Your voice is dangerous, icy.
“No?” He asks.
“No.” You confirm.
“What the hell do you mean no?” As if to emphasize the point he pushes it harder into your back. “Money.” he says.
*fake_choice
*if (nochoicest = 1) #I already said No. Guess I’ll have to teach him a lesson.
*set angry %+5
It’s not every day that the universe so perfectly gives you a gift. It hands you this perfect opportunity, you deny it, and it pushes it back to you. This is Fate itself, telling you to let loose. You gave him the chance to leave, you told him no and he’s still here. What happens now is only his own fault.
*goto robberfight
#Just give him the money.
*set angry %-5
Fuck.
You don’t want to hurt him. You’ve never been great around guns to begin with. It was a good idea though. It might have worked but you can tell he’s desperate. More desperate than you probably. You slip your hand into your pocket and withdraw the remaining cash you have, passing it over your shoulder to him. Your robber snatches it from you.
“This all?” He asks.
“Yeah.”
He mutters a curse to himself then you feel the gun lift off of your back. You aren’t sure what you wait for but it takes a moment for you to turn around. He’s gone, the only thing you see is a flash of a blue coat as he turns a corner.
There’s a bitter taste in your mouth as you see the cop car slowly creep past. You can’t help to let out a quiet indignant laugh.
*goto afterrobber
#Oh this guy is in a world of hurt.
*set angry %+5
You feel a smile grow on your lips. You’ve been annoyed all day. Wanting to hurt someone time and time again. And here you are, with the full chance to break a person who actually deserves it. You don’t hide the shaking sigh of relief now. You just act.
I feel like saying “Oh this guy is in a world of hurt” should give more angry than saying “no” twice, since you’re not even bothering with a token effort of deescalating the situation. The flavour text is pretty much just going “hell yeah, I was looking for an excuse to hurt someone all day lol”.
Minor continuity comment
#I deserve it.
*set selfloathing +1
Yeah. So the world hates you? You know what? Get in fucking line, world. You’ve known you were trash before the world did. The world doesn’t know what’s inside your head, but you do. Every impulse and thought, every fantasy, every daydream. Not to even mention the things you’ve done. What you’ve caused. You didn’t realize how awful you were until you were a teenager. But some part, some distant $!{name} knew. $!{they} @{plural was|were} always back there. Make note of every action you’ve done. When you realized what you were it was like coming up after nearly drowning. Like a gasp of air that you struggled to digest. There was the relief of finally knowing. Painful, horrible relief.
So, when I first played through this game, when I got to the point where the characters asked if Ares had ever dreamed about blood, I was confused when Ares automatically denied it because of this line. Because this sounds to me like Ares spends a lot of time thinking, and thus dreaming, about hurting people. Punch someone hard in the face, they’ll start bleeding eventually. Like sure, they would be dreams about people bleeding, not a sea of blood. But still.
Trans reactivity suggestion
His ${eyecolor} eyes. You can’t escape him. Your father will always follow you, even after everything. Though you share so much with your mother, that bastard will always be here. To ruin her. To ruin you.
*fake_choice
#I’m grateful I look like my mother. Feminine.
*set feminine true
It’s a comfort that you see her in your features than him. You can ignore your eyes, at least you have the soft cut of her cheekbones. You can remind yourself of what she looks like just by staring in the mirror.
#Who am I kidding? I’ll always look more like him. Masculine.
*set masculine true
Every reminder of your mother in you has been hammered out, cut with angle grinders and mishapped until even her features in you resemble him more. Don’t look at the strong jaw and hard face. You’re better than him.
#I’m me, for what thats worth. Androgynous.
*set androgynous true
You’re you. Somehow managing to resemble both of your parents and neither of them. When you first realized it you took comfort in your liberation from the past, though sometimes you wonder if you’re forgetting what they look like and just lying to yourself.
If your Ares is a trans man, I feel he might have more complicated feelings regarding looking masculine. Like, yeah, looking specifically like your abusive father isn’t great. But he would likely consider it an upgrade from what he looked like before. Also, he might not be too happy about looking feminine like his mother. It’s not like he’s aware that the alternative is to look like his abusive father lol.
If your Ares is a trans woman she’d probably hate looking like her father on an even deeper level too. And appreciate looking like her mother more.
Blush suggestion
You try your best to avoid looking at Franco until that embarrassing feeling stuffs itself deep deep down in you. When you do turn back to him he looks away, you realize as you were trying to kill that feeling he must have been staring at you. Now it’s your turn to stare at him and you see he has his own red-capped ears.
You decide to not think about that and your gaze lowers to the table. It’s a fine table. Made of wood with a scratch on the side where you are. You see the word “Somaya” has been carved out on the edge. By the time Franco looks at you you’re both back to your normal shades.
For immersion purposes, I think it would be really nice if you could add a question in character creation about whether or not your skin visually changes colour when you blush. For example, it can be really hard to see any changes on a black person who is blushing.
I used to have a friend from Ethiopia who’d read books written by white authors and shit, but was shocked when he moved to Norway and saw that white people can actually turn red when embarrassed with his own eyes. He always thought that was a bullshit literary device that didn’t actually happen in real life lmao.
So yeah, my point is that descriptions or the text hinting that your skin is turning red when blushing can be very unimmersive for a lot of readers.
Desperate for fight thoughts
Since Ares seems to think they need to fight in order to not literally kill someone, I find it strange that Ares just immediately obeys the “don’t fight” thing. This is assuming Jackie isn’t using some kind of power to compel obedience from you ofc. Especially if your Ares is in denial about being a god. The riot was 100% just a coincidence, trust.
She states at some point that she got you banned from other fighting rings or something. I think it would be cool for RP reasons to discover this while looking for a fight, instead of being told so after going to her first. If I believe I need to fight in order to not become a killer I’m gonna go look for one, in a ring or otherwise. Maybe try to provoke Verse into fighting you, or Maurice, since you can try to provoke him in the game already. And Ares already hates him lol.
Normally I wouldn’t mind not being able to defy orders like this in games, but when rebellion vs obedience is a tracked stat, and given how desperate you are, I feel you should be able to try. Or, if you’re unable to try because Jackie used some kind of power on you, maybe some mention that while the thought of finding someone to fight is attractive, you find yourself incapable of translating the idea into action or something.
I had some thoughts about Ares being desperate for fights in the new chapter.
Memory suggestion
Sometimes you get an option so say something that seems to be due to you subconsciously having some kind of access to your memories. Like inviting Riley to spar you, or telling Vanessa you expected her to have missed you etc. I think it would be cool if this was a tracked variable. Because this seems like something that could potentially lead to something really cool, like maybe learning or doing things you probably shouldn’t be able to without truly remembering. Or some unique interactions with the characters depending on if this variable is high or low etc.
Some thoughts about the times you kinda but not really remember things.
Thoughts on Phyllis and Maurice
“Phyllis!” He shouts, gesturing wildly to you. “Stop ${them}!”
His wife, who’s head barely sticks out of the door gives a small yelp. She’s light skinned, brown hair and large green eyes, wearing pajamas and house slippers. She takes a tentative step out the door she raises her hands and speaks.
“Please.” She says. “We’d just like to talk.”
You continue past. You won’t be waylaid by anyone. As you take your step down the stairs you can hear Maurice shout “Useless—” before the door slams shut.
Given how you automatically later in the game seem to care a lot about the fact that she’s being abused by Maurice, I feel you should either be able to stop to talk to her real quick here, or to care less later. Unless you caring later, but not now is you starting to wake up and caring about the things Ares cares about, since he was a protector of women.
7 Likes
I’ll go through these all tomorrow and fix them on my end. This is incredible, thank you so much! I’ll respond to some of the suggestions after, when I’ve had time to do everything.
10 Likes
Dont know what we did to Dame lol but i think is a whole lotta rough but Dame acting jealous in Ness’s club when there is a whole fiance will not be funny
9 Likes
Harper…when I catch you harper
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When i catch you harper i’ll kiss you lovingly
9 Likes
You appear to have already fixed it for the sake of clarity though here’s the paragraph in question:
$!{hhe} always did fit well in business casual. @{(hgender = 2) A pencil skirt|Slacks} as gray as the sky, with a shirt as white as snow. $!{hhe} @{hplural sinks|sink} lower into the chair. $!{hhis} blond hair is longer and lighter too, dancing on the back of ${hhis} neck, with streaks of gray that snap through it. Those are new. Strange for someone your age.
the section “dancing on the back of ${hhis} neck” was where the variable was missing
1 Like
Finished to Harper scene.
I rather beat half of them up. Sorta did when decided to just say F it, and got shot up.
Didn’t see jealousy still. I stick with what I claimed earlier. With addition of wanting to punch several added to it further. Especially Dame with shot scene. Really wanted to break that face more. Now aware of Harper reasoning. She should be glad I dont knock her teeth out too.
Only ones I like currently. Riley mostly, Quinn maybe, Nessa is ok. Mitch is ok for friend with Sig as well.
2 Likes
In re: a trans Ares, that can be a YMMV kind of situation (source: am trans). Yea, some trans guys would appreciate the more masc appearance despite the similarities to their father, while others would have no issue with being on the more fem side of things (and vice-versa for some trans women). So imo it’s better to just keep the feelings focus on whether the MC looks like their pos dad or not.
2 Likes
I am trans too. Which is probably why I want a little more nuance here, since looking masculine or feminine is linked directly here with how happy Ares is with their appearance lol. Could also be an option to separate feminine vs masculine from which parent Ares resembles most. Which is an option I would greatly appreciate, now that I’m thinking about it more closely.
I’m kinda assuming the resemblance to one of their parents is working up to some plot stuff. Since it seems to me like we’ll be visiting Ares’ mom during the game.
1 Like
I’ve carefully read through the code for chapter 1 now. Found some things for you. I deadass hit the character limit, and can’t post the rest of the bug report because I can’t post more than two times consecutively lmaoooooo.
Spelling 1
You felt regret after you calmed down for every unwarranted insult and cruel statement you said. Was it your fault? If the anger that’s possessed to so fully through your life was there because you were a god, what does that mean for you? Should you feel regret more? Less?
I think the to should be you.
Spelling 2
“I don’t know how that all works but you’re tough. Toughest mother fucker I’ve had the displeasure of laying my eyes on.” He says fondly. “I get it. I used you for my own benefit. You can see how that turned out. And yet you still saved me. I can’t thank you for that enough. I have all my fingers and I don’t have a bullet in the head. I can’t repay that. Okay? But I can try.” He takes a long sigh, standing so the mangled chair is between the two of you.
Should be motherfucker, one word.
Spelling 3
Giving a quiet sigh you carefully take the door to your living room. Installing it is quicker than you thought. The universe must be feeling sorry for you because somehow every screw and even the latch lines up perfectly with the door frame. The satisfying klik for your door closing could almost send shivers down your spine. Though it leaves a solid inch or so gap near the bottom it’s fine. For extra security you place chair in front of the door, as if that would stop anyone, and then retreat to your bed.
Should be click.
Spelling 4
There is something under your feet, under the floor. A ball of warmth walking through the room below you. The same heat pulls from the back of your neck. You jerk your head around too quickly and hear something pop. The fire comes from the street below, you step over to it and see a couple walking. The woman. It radiates from her. You put your hands close to your mouth and breath into them, cold air. She gestures wildly at her partner who doesn’t seem to listen. Another— somewhere further away. You aren’t sure where that one is, but the pyre burns. Maybe if you can just focus on it you can—
Should be breathe.
Spelling 5
You close your eyes and try to force yourself to dream. You focus on something steady, the thump of your heart that you count by. But when that becomes too much you move to something else. The sound of water dripping in your walls. The rumble of the furnace echoing up the vents. The click of a lock from somewhere near by. Foot steps through the halls, muffled laughter from someone. A car’s engine revving. A baby crying. Sirens up the street. Your heart beat quickening.
Should be footsteps, one word. Should be heartbeat, one word. Very easy mistake to make. Could be worth it to ctrl+f to look for every instance of heartbeat and heart beat to make sure you’re using them both correctly in every chapter.
Spelling 6
Sliding out of bed your bed isn’t a hassle, getting dressed is though. You fumble with your shoes and jacket and you’re halfway out the door before you realize you’ve forgotten the cash. Once you’ve retrieved it you get down the street you see the green awning of Oscar’s Market. The LED light still flashing to show it’s open. It’s a god send. You hope your usual guy is there. You don’t know, he hasn’t been there normally but maybe you can ask around.
Should be godsend, one word.
Spelling 7?
The corner he’s referring to is one you’re used to waiting at. Before Pete got you what you wanted you waited here. You went from Spencer to Pete and now you’re crawling back. What a mixed up idiot you are.
I’m not sure why Ares is described as being mixed up right here. Used like this, mixed up means confused, and I don’t really see what they would be confused by in this context. Did you mean to write that Ares is mixed up with something, or something else?
Spelling 8
With little thought you send a text to the guy you had over… three times? Before you stopped responding to his messages entirely. You try your best to remember why, trying to think whatever reason he caused you to stop, but you fail to recall anything of use. You do remember he had a tattoo on his ass though, It was of a dragon. Your brain kept that information around. He only ended up sending four texts before stopping, so at least he caught on early to your ghosting. But it’s late and the best thing about him is that he travels.
It shouldn’t be capitalised.
Spelling 9?
You quirk a brow at her in confusion but don’t argue. Two of her fingers link around your wrist as she pulls you to your room, knowing the way still from the few times she was here. Her dress clings to her and she slips out of her heels seconds after entering your room. Clearly she was already out tonight, and since she’s here with you then it’s easy to see how it was going for her.
I think the sentence would flow better if you replaced the then with a comma.
Spelling 10
You kiss her again, closing your eyes and reaching behind her and slowly pulling the zipper down her back. Once undone you slip your fingers under it, feeling the warmth of her skin. She breaks off the kiss, dragging her teeth along your bottom lip as she pulls you out of your shirt. It’s not the one you wore in the ring, you threw that off the moment you could. But this one is similar enough. Just a white tee you’d barley even looked at. Jordyn seems to want to claw it off with how she’s already yanking it over your head.
Should be barely.
Spelling 11
With a smile she pulls you down on top of her, opening her legs for you to slot between them as she wraps them around you. Her tongue slips into your mouth, just a taste, quick as a viper. She drags her hands down and unhooks the shorts you wore. Those were the ones you had in the ring. They probably also had blood on them, but that went unnoticed it seems.
Should be you’re wearing, I think.
Spelling 12
His face turns from disgust to annoyance. “I forgot you beat people up for a living.” he huffs. And now you forgot that fun little quirk of his. He likes to feel tough, doesn’t like knowing that you can kick his ass. Not that you would. He’s harmless. But any mention of your profession is practically a no-go from him.
Did you mean to write remember? I think it should be for here.
Spelling 13
#“Does @{gender he|she|they} know about this?” I ask, hoping he isn’t cheating.
You stop, and raise a finger between the two of you. “Does @{gender he|she|they} know about this?” You ask, hoping that you’re not suddenly going to be complicit in cheating.
There should be one of those plural checks here for the nb character.
Spelling 14
Clifton lays next to you. His sweaty skin sticking to yours, weight pressed against your side as he softly breathes against you, his finger tracing circles in your hip. For once touch doesn’t feel like an attack surprisingly. That’s usually how it goes after sex though. Your body being less on guard after a release like this means you can actually enjoy being next to someone. He lets out a satisfied sigh before speaking.
Double spaces are eaten by the hide details thingy. There are two spaces between hip. and For in the code.
Spelling 15
You swallowed, your throat thick and your body thrumming to an annoying need. Harper had always been forward. You were the one playing catch up, seeming to lack the ability of adapting or even preparing for ${hhis} advances. It left you in a sorry state. $!{hhe} liked seeing you in that sorry state. “O—” You let out a cough, your throat seeming to betray your. Then with as much confidence as you could muster. “Okay, yeah.”
Should either be you, or there is a missing word after your. There is a double space between as and much.
Spelling 16
An awful smile etched it’s way onto your face. You ran a hand over your lip, “Bark for it.” Your command was enough to draw a laugh at the other end of the phone.
Should be its.
Spelling 17
“I also know pastries,” ${hhe} corrected, “And tacos! I can do tacos…”
“Italian is fine.”
"FIne or good—"
Should be Fine.
Spelling 18
“She just doesn’t do that often.”
You slowed your pace, ducking under a store’s canopy to escape the sun and pausing, “Well, I think I know what its about.”
Should be it’s.
Spelling 19
“No I do, its in my calendar,” ${hhe} had let out an awkward and nervous laugh, “Guess we’ll have lunch another time.”
Should be it’s. Honestly this is one of the easiest spelling mistakes to make in English. Might be worth it to like ctlf+f for every it’s and its and check if they’re used correctly.
Spelling 20
Harper hummed, “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, its getting that time of year…”
Should be it’s. I think there’s a missing to between getting and that.
Spelling 21
Unannounced, you unlocked the door to the Ward family home. They gave you a key years ago, and it was used frequently. Immediate wafted out the smell, then after came the heat, the humidity. WIth a steadying breath you entered.
Should be immediately, should be With.
Spelling 22
Some cartoon you hadn’t learned the name played on the television. Harper’s little sister, Dorothy, hanged upside down from the seat of a leather recliner and stared blankly at the colors and characters that rushed around the screen. She attempted to tell you about it once, but shyness overtook her and she just ended up looking away from you by the end. Now she spares you just a glance.
I think there is a missing of between name and played here.
Spelling 23
“I can tell,” Maggie sat a plastic blue kitchen timer on the table, dialed it to three, and sat across from you. “So?” She echoed, the timer began to tic tic tic.
“So…” tic, "Whats up?"
Should be what’s.
Spelling 24
Of course you had planned to visit. Five years of guilt, overwhelming guilt, weighed on you daily, it was the least you could do. Though visiting your mother only an hour, you tended to get there several early. Just so you could amp yourself up enough to finally cross the gate.
I think there is a for missing between mother and only. I think there is an hours missing between several and early.
Spelling 25
Come morning your blankets are wrapped around your head and block the sun filtering in. It always has at this time of year. Slip between the buildings just to hit your face with morning light when you’re far too tired to do anything about it. Asshole.
Think it should be slipping.
Spelling 26
Footsteps and muffled voices. The hiss of a garbage truck. Dog’s barking and footsteps. Footsteps. From the hall? Footsteps, the click of heels, the squeak of your floorboards—
Should be dogs.
Spelling 27
Riley stands in your door, a finger extended and gently rubbing the frame. A small trail of what could be glitter follows ${rhis} finger before disappearing. $!{rhis} outfit has certainly changed since you law saw ${rhim}. Now Riley sports a jean jacket lined with patches, ${rhis} pants are cut in half, one leg black, the other gray.
Should be last.
Spelling 28
“It really wasn’t.” But your words clearly don’t hit home as ${rhe} crawls into Jordyn’s spot next to you, finallykicking ${rhis} shoes off. The blankets are no doubt still warm from her body. Riley shoulder bumps you with a smile. “She didn’t deserve that.” You add, to which Riley shakes ${rhis} head.
Should be a space between those two words.
Spelling 29
“Don’t exchange number with my fucking hook-up.”
Should be numbers.
Spelling 30
$!{rhe} practically starts walking before ${rhe}'s fully off your bed, legs betraying the lazily act ${rhis} upper body tries to present.
Either there is a word missing between lazily and act, or it should be lazy.
Spelling 31
Damiana looks to you and then to Clifton and lets out a frustrated groan. “Seriously?” $!{dhe} asks. “After last night the first thing you do is go out and get some strange?”
Clifton turns to you and laughs. "Strange? Nah, we’re back together now."
Should be stranger. Same mistake happens with Jordyn.
Spelling 32
Verne gives you a minute and then in a flat monotone voice they speak. “We don’t have time to waste, and I’m not arguing. Get up.”
Hide details eats it, but there are two spaces between arguing. and Get in the code.
Spelling 33
Verne’s icey gaze focuses in on you.
Should be icy.
Spelling 34
You nod silently and they take that for an invitation to leave, turning they step out of your room, only stopping to close the door gently. Once it clicks into the frame you let out a quiet sight and fall back into bed.
Should be sigh.
Spelling 35
It’s your home. Your space that they are intruding on. After that wake up it’s only right that you’ll get to intrude a little yourself. Bad manners maybe but who gives a fuck about propriety nowadays?
I think there should be a comma after maybe.
Spelling 36
Standing awkwardly in the middle of the room is Damiana. $!{dhe} seems scattered today, gaze flying around, seeming to land on the little ornamentations you have in your place. Damiana has ${dhis} arms crossed over ${dhis} chest. You’re acutely away how uncomfortable ${dhe} has to be by ${dhis} posture alone.
Should be aware.
Spelling 37
With a shake of your head you step over to Riley. As you do ${rhe} finishes putting on the last hinge. You pull the door off of ${rhim}. The weight surprises you, It’s far heavier than whatever cheap wood that was put on here before.
It’s shouldn’t be capitalised.
Spelling 38
Your marry band of intruders all immediately look to one another, then back to you, “What dreams?”
Should be merry.
Spelling 39
Riley’s eyes widen, just a fraction, hardly noticeable. $!{rhe} leans forward, but the subtle movement seems to catch Verne’s eye. They turn to look to Riley and you can’t help but feel the air temperature plummet. Seeming to notice something off Riley turns to Verne. They two of them find each other’s eyes just for a moment before turning to you. You can’t help but feel you’d done something wrong with the way they stare at you.
Hide details eats double spaces, but there are two spaces between you. and You.
Spelling 40
Who was Harper to you? You acted friendly, somtimes very friendly. Friendly enough to confuse things. Make it weird, add threads of connection that were loose, easily broken. Which somehow made everything even worse when it did end. $!{hhe} denied you were anything more than friends even when it became apparent that you two had changed somewhere along the lines.
Should be sometimes.
Spelling 41
You lean back in your chair and breathe, studying your companions. Riley seems to be the only one actively wanting to move, ${rhis} leg bouncing gently in the middle of the couch. From your periphary you catch Damiana staring at you, but as you turn your head to face ${dhim} ${dhe} looks away. It’s a smooth, subtle, movement. Practiced even. Verne is the only one who doesn’t seem affected by the silence or your gaze, meeting eyes with you with a stern expression.
Should be periphery.
Spelling 42
“Don’t tell Jackie. She wouldn’t let you starve but I didn’t ask her for that money.” Riley says.
Should probably be a comma between starve and but.
Spelling 43
Somewhere up the hall your neighbors yorkies are yapping.
Should probably be a comma after hall. Place a ’ before or after the s in neighbors, depending on how many of your neighbours own yorkies.
Spelling 44
Riley thumps your shoulder with a knuckle, once, twice, and you bring yourself back to reality before a third. You begin sneer at the sudden unwanted touch but control your face enough to seem unbothered by it. Riley stares at you, brows knitted together, trying to gauge your mood, your thoughts, properly. Then, as if ${rhe} understands, ${rhe} speaks.
I think there’s a to missing between begin and sneer. Should probably be a comma between touch and but.
Spelling 45
“I’ll meet you later.” Verne says to Riley, who lazily gives them a single finger gun. They then turns to you,
Should be turn.
Spelling 46
The sidewalks have a path grooved out through the snow. Where one person has stamped it down and a hundred others have followed. Leaving tamped down melted trailed that are flanked by larger mounds of snow and ice. Most buildings on this street at least give some vague attempt to shoveling it, though with how heavy the snow is coming down now you doubt anyone’s putting much effort in.
I think there might be some missing words here, or something is spelled wrong.
Spelling 47
“With how run down it looks I bet he’s a plebeian, just like the rest of us.”
Should be run-down.
Spelling 48
The woman in the shop apparently deciding against choosing anything at all leaves. Before the glass door swing shut behind Riley’s already moving, a car slows down and stops at a green light to let you two pass. Both of you ignore it’s angry honks, and the screeching of tires as it speeds away when it can.
Should be its.
Spelling 49 + other
You pull the handle to make the door flush with it’s frame and flip the lock. For extra security you also pull a drawstring and let the curtains fall down blocking the glass over the door. The windows are still fully opened with no curtains but its the thought that counts, right? With that done you take in the shop. You were wrong about it being warmer. Inside it feels almost as frigid as the storm beginning outside. No wind and it must be at least warm enough that your breath doesn’t fog but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s still freezing.
I think this sentence would flow better if you pull “the” drawstring “to” let the curtains fall down. Otherwise it kinda implies that there are multiple drawstrings hanging there, and you randomly pulled the right one.
I’m also a little confused about why the windows are open. I’m under the impression that it’s quite cold out in the game, with that storm brewing and shit. It just doesn’t seem to be the correct type of weather for a shop to have their windows open in. And if the windows are open like that, why does Ares think that it’s going to be warmer inside the shop than outside?
Should be it’s. I think there should be a comma after fog.
Spelling 50
The lights buzz in such a way that you feel sick, the dull yellow they emit doesn’t help. The shelves are covered with everything and nothing. Old pots and pans, electric grills that were popular a few decades ago, a tiny box television from the 90’s. And clothes. Lots and lots of clothes. Each one telling a story. A moth eaten sweater, a small pair of shoes with the original tags still on them, a thick leather jacket, a wedding dress.
Should be moth-eaten.
Spelling 51
Genuinely what are you supposed to do with that? “Okay,” you blurt, looking around. $!{rhe} tilts back to look at you, blank faced thanks to the mask, and then its done.
Should be blank-faced, should be it’s.
Spelling 52
Despite the warmth in your chest you have little to offer, so instead of speaking you simply quietly observe the tiny otters. With others you tend to feel like being stared at is a thing of horror, yet from your periphery Riley sneaks a peek at your smile and you hardly even notice it. As if ${rhe} has grown accustom to stealing glances at you.
Should be accustomed.
Spelling 53
Riley turns away, attention now pulled to the forgotten artifacts of the shelves. You stick close enough by in case you have to move. “You know… It was your shoulders that made me realize it was you.” $!{rhe} admits, suddenly. You give ${rhim} a questioning look from your periphery, and Riley swallows something roughly but continues. “I don’t know why it was your shoulders of everything, but they were the giveaway for me. They’re always like—” Riley cuts a line in the air with ${rhis} hand, “—that.”
I think there’s an out missing between shoulders and of.
Spelling 54
Nearly imperceptibly Riley turns soft, as if your inability to relax was calming. Perhaps, in a way, it’s a comfort to you as well. You’ve been left tressed, skittish, and suspicious of everyone, but at least you’re always ready for a fight. You can never be taken off guard.
Should be stressed.
Spelling 55
“We’ve only met a few times before you ascended, normally its only after you’re… like this. I’ve wondered when it starts.”
Should be it’s.
Spelling 56
Your past doesn’t matter, it never did. You’re a survivor, you’ve always been a survivor. His beatings made you stronger. And now he cant touch you, so you take the lessons he taught you so well and craft them into a fine blade. You used it to cut your way free from his shackles, and you’ll use it again if you must. You will never becomes that corpse you were again.
Should be can’t.
Spelling 57
Feeling bad, you set the bird on it’s feet again, and find Riley in the next isle over.
Should be its, should be aisle.
Spelling 58
Together the two of you cross to the other side of the pawn shop, you don’t fail to notice ${rhim} hanging back in the center, staring at the back entrance. You @{height and take a peek over the dusty top of the aisle|stand on your toes, taking a peek over the dusty asile|and poke your head from around the aisle’s corner}. You don’t see anything of value though, aside from @{height dust|dust|a little ornate snow globe} on the shelf. The cashier woman has stopped reading and is making heavy eye contact with Riley. You also look to ${rhim}, ${rhis} hand is in ${rhis} pocket. There’s a weight to it. A weapon probably. $!{rhe} finally sneers and steps in beside you.
Should be aisle.
Spelling 59
The absolute engulfing assortment of knickknacks, baubles, and trinkets astounds you. Shelf after shelf is stacked and at the deeper parts of the shop it feels more like an all consuming hoard than a place to buy anything. Most pawnshops you’ve been in are full of junk, of course, but at least its curated junk. Here it’s so full to the brim you struggle to even focus on one thing.
Should be it’s.
Spelling 60
Surprisingly the back room is clean. Where the front is chaotic in how it displays everything, with eye catching things spat in strange random places that don’t seem to fit what they are— clothes in the appliances, paintings in the jewelry. The back is tenderly and patiently cared for. Every item meticulously labeled with and categorized. Boxes stacked neatly on a few thin shelves. By most standards it’s still horribly full to the brim with things that interest very few people. But at least it’s clean.
Either there is a word missing between with and and, or you can drop the with.
Spelling 61
The insult to the item seems to angers him more than anything else, he doesn’t let it show on his face but there’s a fire in his chest now. WIth a business-like smile and almost-pleasantly he says, “It is a very historic rock. A rock that my new friends were very interested in after I told them you dropped the ball.”
Should be With.
Spelling 62
“What comes after? If we buy its, what happens?”
Should be it.
Spelling 63
“They will, because they already know you turned your back on our deal, they must already assume you’ll be turning your back on theirs at the first oppritunity.”
Should be opportunity.
Spelling 64
“No jobs for months, no money made, no movements. How many of you are actually around? I heard a good bit have already left. I heard you had a little… uprising You simply aren’t big enough to make these threats anymore.”
$!{rhe} presses the gun further. “And what’s going to happen if I do? Who’s going to step in? Your new buyer?”
The owner doesn’t take the bait. “Jackie will be dead before the year’s up, its in your best interest to not go down with her.”
I think there should be a comma after uprising. You shouldn’t be capitalised. Should be it’s.
Spelling 65 + other
#“Oh thanks but I have… God damn it. I left my milkshake at home.”
“Oh thanks, but I have…” You look down and remember the milk shake standing on your dresser, you sat it there, not even finished, as you were getting dressed. Verne had to have noticed, you hope they don’t think you found their gift distasteful. “God damn it. I left my milkshake at home.”
Should be milkshake. I’m a little bit confused about this option though, assuming the milkshake was in one of those plastic cups with the opening on top, I don’t think Ares would think for even a second that they brought it with them lol.
Spelling 66
How could ${rhe} forget the year? It’s nearing the end, if it was January, you’d understand. But its almost December. The year is up, its over. It’s another year you wasted, barely surviving. You can hope next year will be better, but with your track record—
Should be it’s.
Spelling 67
When ${rhe} turns ${rhis} attention to you fully, you’re reminded of the small beauty mark under ${rhis} lip. An apt place for it to be. you don’t risk letting your gaze linger there for too long. When you look away Riley does too, you wonder what ${rhe} was staring at in that brief moment. Your thoughts are cut short though as you feel ${rhis} foot press next to yours. $!{rhe} doesn’t push, focusing instead on the window, like ${rhe} doesn’t even notice. Slowly you slide your foot out as well. Ankle to ankle, and nothing more, no movement, just a brief small contact, that’s all thats allowed.
Before you can do anything, its gone.
Either you should be capitalised, or the period in front of it should be a comma. Should be it’s.
Spelling 68
Riley belts out a laugh, “No. It was just a news event at the time. That was about when everyone was disappearing though, some happened before it. But I can firmly say we did not.” $!{rhis} smile turns somber, “The years move by too quick, so we mark out memories with tragedies. Even those are becoming a blur for me now.”
Should be something, I think.
Spelling 69 (Nice)
Grand. You were a laughing stock. Fucking great. This shit life of yours only seems to be the latest in a series of shit lives. A need to claw your chapter out of this book digs into your spine, relenting when you do catch one sentence highlighted in perfect green. The only sentence in your chapter highlighted such.
Should be laughingstock.
Spelling 70
#My mother. I’d like to dance with her one more time.
Of course its her.
Should be it’s.
Spelling 71
#Was I always so good dancing?
*set dancer true
Holy shit. Maybe there was something actually to that green highlight. You can’t deny the aluring quality you have as you watch yourself dance in the mirror. You were made for this. Why the fuck are you boxing? You could be a back up singer for some pop star. No, you’d steal the show the second you’re on stage with them.
I feel these two words should swap places. Should be alluring. Should be backup, did you mean to write dancer instead of singer?
Spelling 72
#“What renovations?” I"ll ask before they leave.
Should be I’ll.
Spelling 73
#“If you want a work out buddy, let me know. I could always use a spotter.” I’ll be friendly.
You look into the room and tap a finger against the frame, “If you want a work out buddy, let me know. I could always use a spotter.”
Verne considers the idea, “You should hardly need one.” Their brows furrow and they add, “Unless a car is thrown on you.”
Should be workout. Should probably be at, I think.
Spelling 74
There’s a shifting of boots behind you, When they speak Verne’s voice is low enough to almost be read as serious. “We could have a rematch, If you’d like to see how right I am.”
Shouldn’t be capitalised.
Spelling 75
$!{hhe} hummed on the other side of the line. "How about lunch? I’ll pick us up something."
I think this flows awkwardly. I think “I’ll pick something up […]” works better.
11 Likes
Oh thank you again! I just got finished with the spellings on the first one haha!
8 Likes
Part 2 of the things I found. Can’t belive I hit the character limit on my previous reply lol.
Italics code thingy
“I really don’t see why you and Jackie think I’m worth it.” It comes out softer than you’d expect. More vulnerable. It’s true though, you really don’t get it. You’re not[/i worth it. Riley glances over to you but doesn’t say anything, which might be worse than saying something.
The [/i is visible in play. And the rest of the paragraph from that point is in italics for some reason.
Spelling
Alcohol, A drink or two eases my mood.
Sex, Sleeping around takes my mind off of things.
Neither shouldn’t be capitalised.
Obedience stat thingy
#“Stay.” Fuck. I should kick her out but I have needs too.The two of you are silent for a moment as you stare at each other. Then silently you slump back to the bed. “Stay.” You force out, ignoring the cruel smirk playing out on her face.
“Thank you, $!{jdname}.” She whispers, kissing you again. Your jaw tenses at the name but you need this. You need to be touched, to be held like this tonight.
I feel like you should gain a little bit of obedience here, not enough to undo the obedience you lost by telling her no. My thought is that you should gain a little bit back because when push came to shove, you did agree to do something you didn’t want to.
Word salad
you, doing your best to try not allowing the anger boil inside you beneath his gaze. Just let it go.
I don’t understand what is happening here lol.
Confusing moment
*disable_reuse #“It’s not like she’ll talk to me.”*set jerkcheck +1The steam coiled over the stove, it drew your attention just enough to let your blurt out something stupid, “It’s not like she’ll talk to me.”
“Anyone ever tell you that you’re @{gender a dick|a bitch|an asshole}?” Unimpressed with your attempt to shock her, she continued.
This part here confused me. Due to the gender insult choice thingy, it is Maggie who is insulting you, or attempted to shock you. In which case it’s not you who is attempting to shock her.
Unless saying that your mom won’t talk to you is supposed to shock her, but earlier in the conversation it sounds like she’s well aware of the relationship between you and your mother. So I find this a little confusing.
Not sure if error
The sign is a large plastic box, the paint that makes up the words Empire Pawn are faded, a crack runs from the corner of the panel separating the W and N from pawn. One window is boarded up with plywood and by the graffiti on it you suspect it’s been boarded up for some time. Through the other windows you can see shelves that cut the shop. A man standing at the counter inside holds an open box, a young woman browsing the stock. Riley doesn’t go to move and neither do you, though you suspect the shop would be warmer than the street.
I don’t understand what this means.
Minor continuity 1
His phone from next to the bed buzzes once and you’re reminded that the man over you is already supposed to be committed. A little spark of anger flares inside, one you can’t help. You try to ignore it, though fail to do so. Just focus on your wants. Focus on sex. It’s simple. You’ve done it so much. It’s just like boxing. Ignore what’s in your head and let your body take control. It knows how to move, it knows where to touch.
If you pick the option to be into the fact that he’s taken, I don’t think you should be getting angry here.
Minor continuity 2
“No thanks,” It was best to cut that off immediately. She was already going to send you home with at least two jars today, you didn’t need any more. As you passed Dorothy she tried to playfully kick you, but her little legs could not reach. You slapped her foot gently with the tips of your fingers, that brought a series of giggles before she crawled around in the chair. For a five year old she was remarkably calm. You’d have assumed kids her age would be screaming nonstop. She barely spoke.
Earlier in the game in a conversation with Sig, you could describe yourself as a quiet kid. If you pick that option, I don’t think Ares should just assume kids her age would be screaming.
Minor continuity 3
Verne stands in the doorway to your bedroom. Unlike yesterday where they wore a suit now it seems to be more of a business casual look. Their silver hair is slicked back and they sport a thick wool jacket which goes to their thighs. Black jeans, and thick boots. In their hands are two drinks. One a bright pink smoothie, one a coffee in a paper green to-go cup.
Verse’s smoothie turns into a milkshake. It is consistently referred to as a milkshake after this.
Pete suggestion
This is only if you saved him. This suggestion assumes he has some resources and isn’t like, living in a complete shithole like you are. If your vice is not alcohol or drugs, I think it would be cool to upgrade from your shithole apartment and move in with Pete for the time being. Since he seems to be aware of your dire financial straits, and he’s seen the inside of your apartment now. Maybe he could offer to let you TEMPORARILY move in with him, until you find a new place, since your current one is trash. There’s black mold, and you don’t even have a functioning front door. The man owes me his life lol.
I also think it would make sense that he wouldn’t offer this if your place is filled with empty bottles, or needles and shit like that. Most people know that addicts generally don’t make for good housemates.
Had some thoughts about Pete.
I would like another option
#“Did a god cause 9/11?”
So like, in the conversation where you can ask this question. I’m about 99% sure this won’t be the case in the game. But it got me thinking, I think that if I were Ares, and being told in 2024 that I disappeared about one century ago. I think I’d be worried that I started the world wars. Maybe Ares spent too much power to kickstart and escalate that shit and that’s why they disappeared. Would also explain why everyone hates you now.
I would like the ability to ask if his disappearance could be linked to the world wars happening in the last century. And probably get a “nah, humans are terrible on their own lmao” in response. (lol)
Asking if a god caused 9/11 got me thinking.
I would like another option 2
So, when the gang breaks into your home to ask you about your dreams. If you overheard them talk, you know 100% for a fact that they’re hiding important shit from you. I would like the option to just flat out refuse to tell them anything about the dream. They won’t tell me shit? Well fuck them, I ain’t telling them shit neither.
This is assuming you’re not forced to tell them so that the plot can happen.
Had some thoughts about the scene where you’re asked about your dream.
9 Likes
I’ve finished all the corrections, and went ahead and looked through all the chapters corrected any “whats” “its” and double spaces. I can’t thank you enough for the help. Seriously though you’re a godsend! It’s so funny to be editing for months and still see mistakes I missed haha. I’ll be going through my own code as well to look for more mistakes later. The suggestions I’ll be reading through in just a moment, I’m going to eat dinner first, but the few I checked out I have already made changes for.
12 Likes
Okay, once again thank you for the assistance and so many of your suggestions are perfect that I went ahead and just added them.
Spelling 18
Verne’s saying they don’t like sweat here. But the “i’m not talking about being in the club” part just feels awkward imo, its a holdover from a long time ago when the scene was originally written, I’ve fixed it on my end.
Strange reaction
This scene is mostly to help build that Jackie’s a little shadier. The ex-cons part is her being cautious and not wanting to scare you away too soon so she gives the spiel about being an equal opportunity employer.
Blank variable error
The only way to get to this part is if you do not have the sex vice. So the null was mostly there in case someone did manage to get there with the sex vice somehow, it wouldn’t end their entire game but it would also directly tell them that something is wrong. So in play, nobody should be getting the null.
Trans reactivity suggestion
I agree! I’ll have to figure out the best way to make those changes, but I think you’re right that there are a lot more opportunities for trans inclusive narratives and choices that I’ve been skimping on. Directly after the masculine/feminine/androgynous choice is a choice for if Ares hates the way they look, so I can just add that there without disrupting the flow and it’d be a narrative that you opt into, as well as one open to cis and trans people alike (though obviously trans people will get a different flavor). It will also let me add things much later. Thanks for the suggestion!
Blush suggestion
I hadn’t thought of the blushing aspect at all, but I have already run into a few issues in regards to bruises that I’ve simply skirted around instead of actually jumping into. I’ll have to think more about how to add it in a way that makes sense. Character creation is already dense. So I think I’ll end up putting it in chapter 2 when you decide your body type. I’ll have to figure it out more but I do agree that my text does assume the player has a lighter skin tone, which shouldn’t be the case.
Desperate for fight thoughts
Woof. This would be a good bit to add to make it flow well. All I can say is that I’ll consider it. The main reason I have it the way it is right now is because Ares needing to release their rage typically happens over several months. So at the time that Ares gets told not to fight their mind is on the future, and not the immediate. The breakdown in chapter 2 shouldn’t be happening so soon after the fight in the prologue. So at the moment Ares is more in the mindset of “future me problem.” Still, I could add something more to that, so I’ll think on it but I can’t promise anything.
Memory suggestion
That’s easy to do. At the very least I can absolutely add a small scene around it, so I’ll go ahead and do it and add it in my notes.
Thoughts on Phyllis and Maurice
This scene is mostly to establish Maurice as a character. As for the the breakdown in chapter 2, it can be either about Ares’s own trauma or Phyllis’s current abuse. I’d like to leave it a little vague, simply because I like it being messier like this. Does Ares actually care about Phyllis or are they trying to retroactively save themself and their own mother by saving Phyllis? That being said, I do like it when games actively let you decide these things in the text rather than leaving it out. So I’ll think of something, and I think I have a good place in chapter 3 to put it. We’ll see how it ends up by chapter 3.
(from here down is the 2nd post)
Confusing moment
The situation with Ares’s mom is complicated due to spoilers. But Ares specifically using the fact that their mom doesn’t talk to them as a reason for not visiting her is meant to be them trying to shock/annoy/frustrate Maggie, even though Ares knows saying it is a shitty thing to do.
The gender choice is just because I’m a woman so I think of the main character as a woman, so I wrote “anyone ever tell you that you’re a bitch” before I decided to make the insult reflect gender a little bit just because.
Minor continuity 2
Just wanna note that I like this addition a lot, thanks! It was a very quick addition.
Pete suggestion
Pete’s living situation is equally not as good as Ares’s, lol
I would like another option
I like that! Mostly Riley’s whole scene explaining everything was very exposition heavy early on, and I took away a solid 50%, maybe even 60% of it. So I’m weary of adding much to it, but there isn’t going to be a better place for that question than right there, since I don’t have plans to ever bring up the world wars.
I would like another option 2
I hadn’t thought of this either. The option to sneak through the hall was mainly so characters that had high subterfuge could get some extra info. But I got rid of the skills after I wrote that and just kept it in. Something like this would be fun. I am adding it to my notes too lol, I’m not sure if I’ll do much with it but I like the idea.
All in all, for the suggestions, I think the trans one and the blushing one are something I should add, simply because I do want to emphasize diversity a bit, and I don’t think these two are intrusive or will take that long.
A lot of these suggestions are really excellent, often when I get suggestions they don’t tend to make sense or be too expansive to add, but these are pretty great, so thanks! I think a good bit can really add to the story.
And seriously, thanks for putting in the work and helping me with the mistakes you found.
7 Likes
Thanks for the positive reception to my suggestions! I get a little nervous whenever I make them lol. I always get worried that they’ll be misunderstood as some entitled “i demand my ideas be put in your game, add them now grr”.
Whenever I make any, I do my best to make sure they both don’t require major rewrites, that they make sense with how the world and characters have been characterised, and add value for RP purposes.
5 Likes