I’ve carefully read through chapter 2 now. Sorry again if I report false positives, can sometimes be hard to see in the code if a sentence is incomplete or not. I hit the character limit, and can’t post 3 replies in a row, I am begging someone reading this to make a comment, so I can post part 2 of this.
Spelling
The alley was darker, cooler, more compact than the small courtyard you were waiting in. Harper and ${hhis}…friend? Coworker? Were dressed nicer than you, they had to dress nice for the job. The man was in a fitted suit, and Harper slacks and a collard shirt. You were a boxer, clean clothes came second to brutality. Stalking over to them made you feel more like a predator than a friend.
Should be collared.
Spelling 2
Queerness was another brick to strengthen your bond. And though discussions of sexualities naturally came up, the restult was the same. You weren’t into men.
Should be result.
Spelling 3
The pains through your body have been there since your meeting with Jackie. It began as a dull ache, feeling over worked and exhausted. Something you were used to for training. But as the days changed, it too began to worsen. Your shoulders and back felt it first, casual movements sent off sirens through you.
I think there is a going missing between pains and through. I think it should be set instead of sent, and that it flows better as “set sirens off”.
Spelling 4
You’ve always been a bit fat, it was something you were poked about through your childhood. Something you’ve grown to accept about yourself without much thought nowadays. As a kid your mother did worry about your weight once, tried to get you on a died but she too accepted and lover you for who you were. Now you can see how your body has thinned, your skin hanging a bit looser.
Should be loved.
Spelling 5
You’re now doubled over your bathroom sink, a glass of salt water in your free hand. Wash it around your mouth, endure the pain, spit it out. The muted red of blood mixes with the water, coating the bottom of your sink pink.
Should be saltwater, one word. This mistake happens every time it’s mentioned in this scene.
Spelling 6
You only let yourself sit for five minutes, which turns into eight, and then ten. Eventually your stomach screams louder than your exhaustion. You manage to reach to the fridge, the light inside reveals little more than old takeout boxes and a box of baking soda that’s been there.
Think you can remove the to. Unsure what you mean by the a box of baking soda that’s been there, is this spelled wrong, or are there some missing words?
Spelling 7
$!{hhe}@{hplural 's|'re} invading you now. Waking up feeling sweat cling to your body. Always that memory. None of the good ones, thank god for that… or whoever @{(mythlore > 0) Morpheus reincarnated into.|the god of dream is.} You’re not sure you could handle a positive dream about ${hhim}. You and Harper had years of good memories, and each one is tainted with betrayal.
Should be dreams.
Spelling 8
As you trudge past more closed shops your thoughts betray you. Play out what-if scenarios. All wondering how Harper would react to you as a god. You kick your own hurt foot into a pile of ice-hard snow, the pain finally breaks your thoughts away from ${hhim}.
Should probably be a comma after shops. Should be playing.
Spelling 9
Can Monty sue you for cutting and running? He doesn’t know you have the money yet. He’ll evict you but certainly he won’t waste the time, energy, and money to try and sue… As the thought crosses your mind you realize how stupid that is.
I think you should swap those words.
Spelling 10
As the week drew to a close your dealer has begun to his breaks about the same time you show up. It’s saved you from waiting outside the shop until he was off.
The needle has done nothing but brought you pleasure in this time of need, and you have welcomed its warm embrace.
I think to is supposed to be taking. Should be bring.
Spelling 11
You wake up with blood in your mouth, and red rimmed eyes full of tears. And sometimes, on occasion, the fever gets so bad you wake up speaking.
Should be red-rimmed.
Spelling 12 + Continuity
you saw regularly were Mitch and Lyla. Though first Mitch eyed you with suspicion, hesitant to even serve you a drink, after the third visit he simply came to expect you. Unlike him Lyla came over immediately and brought food too, though she didn’t stay long it was clear you’ve already won her over.
Since you’re habitually going to the bar, I think it would work better if this was replaced with drinks. I think there should be a comma after long.
Spelling 13
Your throat constricts, heart beat hammers away like a rabbit, there’s a buzzing in your finger tips, a roar in your ears. When faced with Sigourney disappointed you can do nothing, nothing at all, to protect yourself.
Should be heartbeat. This sounds a little clunky to me.
Spelling 14
“Even so, it is strange, right?” She turns fully toward you, “Decembers only in a few days, but I’ve never seen it snow so much so early. It’s not even winter yet.”
Should be December’s.
Spelling 15
“If you ever need to scare her you know where I am.” You offer with a laugh.
Should probably be a comma after her.
Spelling 16
“Like I said, I"m not sure I can say.”
Should be I’m.
Spelling 17
The conversation quickly fades when Sigourney’s attention is thrown to her daughter. She sends a small wave to the girl, who returns it enthusiastically.
Should probably be drawn.
Spelling 18 + Continuity
“She says your hairs nice,” she points to your hair, reflexively you run a hand over it.
“Does she?” You turn a teasing look to Sigourney, who’s taken a great interest in something far in the sky. Her lips are pressed into a thin line, trying to stop from smiling, “Do you think it’s nice?” You ask Claudia.
She shrugs, “Seen better.”
Should probably be hair’s. I think it would be cool if Claudia also likes your hair, if it is dyed some unnatural colour.
Spelling 19
“Is Tawny your friend?” You ask toClauda, trying to navigate the waters of engaging with children. You haven’t quite been around any for most of your life, only one you can think of and even then barely. So figuring out how to speak to them in their own little language comes more difficult thank you think.
You can drop the to. Should be Claudia. I think there should be a comma after of. I think there should be a just between then and barely. The final sentence feels like it’s missing words.
Spelling 20
#“Good. Hows mortality?”
Should be how’s.
Spelling 21
“Have they done anymore messed up things to you?” She asks.
Should be any more.
Spelling 22
“Tawny!” Claudia’s shrill yell comes from the top of the slide. A few kids look at her, most adults don’t bother more than a glance, clearly used to loud kids.
I think there’s a with missing between bother and more.
Spelling 23
He laughs “I’m just wondering. I guess I just have a different view about fighting. You see—” he says you see like a story teller about to reveal the twist ending that recontextualizes the entire tale he just told, “—I was in the military. You don’t don’t really know about war, but after being in the thick of it for so long… well fighting is serious to me.”
Should be storyteller, one word. Remove one don’t.
Spelling 24
Tailor made made to make him feel a little bit bigger, and you to feel a little bit smaller. You know how to infuriate and piss people off.
Should be tailor-made.
Spelling 25
Your world is alight with fire. “If fighting is so serious to you why didn’t you fight for your marriage.”
I think there should be a comma after you. I think the sentence should end with a question mark instead of a period.
Spelling 26
Claudia sits in a little dry spot of the sidewalk by the gate. Though she’s turned away, the girl can’t subtly try and peek at you to save her life.
I think there are some missing words here. Can’t help but try to subtly peek at you […]?
Spelling 27 + Minor suggestion
“Hey, like it’s not bad being bad,” you give her one final pat and stand tall, letting the sun’s rays highlight you from behind; A hero in a city of villains. “Just be smart about it, and nobody good will be hurt. Keep things hidden. And don’t over explain lies. You don’t add lots of details when talking about the truth, so when you lie to a teacher or your parents, just keep it simple.”
Should be overexplain. I think essentially telling Claudia to only hurt people when there are no witnesses around, and that stealing is okay is something that should be tracked. Would be hilarious if Sig or Mitch yell at you later for it lol.
Spelling 28
Though your bag is now sagging at the constant weight. The moisture in the air making it weak at the corners. But it still holds. You put your arms to support it better.
Should be from, I think.
Spelling 29
She smiles, “Not if I get to him first.” @{(sigromance > 0) Sigourney motions as if she’s nudging you tough you are easily a few feet from her. Upon realizing your distance though she stops and looks away awkwardly.|Sigourney gives you a wink before turning back to her kid.}
I think this is supposed to be though.
Spelling 30
She seems to melt a bit and nods, “I hope so. But he can be a bit old fashion… If he thinks she can work the… family business I can see him doing something stupid.”
Should be fashioned, unless she cuts herself off, in which case I think the rule is to add a - behind it.
Spelling 31 + Stat suggestion
“You stealing my clothes now?” The words slink from between Maurice’s bothered lips. You turn, full body, to see him. The man’s as well dressed as normal and just as affronted too. He doesn’t seem pleased to see you holding his damp clothes.
Should be well-dressed. Shortly after those lines, you get a choice on what to do with his clothes. I think those choices could have some stat changes in them. Like putting the clothse in the dryer for him giving obedience or some shit for example.
Spelling 32
“Why? You can’t manage fifty cent to wash clothes?” He doesn’t try to hide the smirk as he watches you.
Should be cents. Think there should be a your between to and wash.
Spelling 33
Too late for any of your normal hook ups to answer, you’d risk making them think you’re odd. Maybe you’ll go out then, find a club… and wait until it gets time to find someone. Fuck. That plan is shit.}
Should be hookups, imo it would flow better to replace normal with regular. The last bolded bit sounds like there are words missing.
Spelling 34
It would certainly taste the same. Salt water leak into the cracks of your lips.
Should probably be salty, or saltwater, though I’ve never seen tears referred to as straight up saltwater lol. Should be leaks.
Spelling 35
“The only law you should about are the ones I make.” She winks as if it’s a joke, though you suspect it is not.
I think there are some words missing here.
Spelling 36
Through the entire walk back to ${hhis} home Harper was in stunned silence, almost afraid to speak lest ${hhe} shatter reality. As soon as you stepped into ${hhis} home that silence broke. You told ${hhis} mother, and the three of you celebrated in the short time you could before Maggy had to go to work. That left you and Harper alone.
Should be Maggie. It’s spelled like Maggy a lot later in the same chapter as well. I’m assuming that Maggie is the correct spelling since that’s how it was consistently spelled in the earlier chapters.
Spelling 37
Your hips lock together, pressed side by side as you support him, his muscle work under his shirt and you quickly come to the realization that he actually might be trying to move.
Should be muscles.
Spelling 38
Your headache flares but you talk through the pain, “I don’t know, It’s not really my gun. I’m not really a guns person.”
Shouldn’t be capitalised.
Spelling 39?
“Tight,” He clicks his tongue and winks at you.
Did you mean to write right? Or the slang meaning of tight lol.
Spelling 40
“Figured I’d have to ask you that,” you say
Should be a period after say.
Spelling 41
That explains nothing, they could have their ritual out side.
Should be outside.
Spelling 42
Franco lets out both a noise of concern and a frustrated grumble. “LIke dealing with kids.”
Should be Like.
Spelling 43
The soft bass of his voice looses your muscles. You’d like to keep fighting. Keep struggling. But unyielding pressure consumes you.
Think it should be loosens.
Spelling 44
The sleeves are rolled to his elbows, his lithe arms are coated in golden bracelets, his hands getting equal treatment but with rings.
Think there’s a “up” missing between rolled and to.
Spelling 45 + Suggestion
Franco rolls his eyes. “Course not. Things are kept hush hush for now. And you’re expected to keep your mouth shut too.”
Should be hush-hush. So, it seems to me that Vanessa both knew me well, and doesn’t care much about what Jackie wants. In the future, I think it would make sense to have the option to come back to try to get information about who you were from Vanessa alone.
Spelling 46
When she speaks Vaness’a voice is a low, “There’s a reason I don’t go outside.” Xenia bears down on you, making your vision sway.
Should be Vanessa’s.
Spelling 47
“Fuck you.” Damiana says with very little heat. “You really aren’t goint to…” ${dhe} trails off and Franco just shrugs. Damiana slowly turns to you and lets out a groan.
Should be going, I think.
Spelling 48
“You can’t even see my arms!” You can tell ${dhe} wants so bad to yell but manages not to
Should be a period after to.
Spelling 49
#“Well yeah, If you’re not up for it I will.”
Should be if. Same mistake happens the line beneath it.
Spelling 50
"Rooms in the back. Soundproof just for us."
Either it should be room’s, or there is a missing are or something.
Spelling 51
The words are enticing, your entire body feels drawn to Dame, if you were just lean closer you could swear you smell roses.
I think there is a “to” missing between were and just, and “a bit” missing between lean and closer, but am not sure, at least one word is missing in this sentence.
Spelling 52
Yet all penny does is let out a long, clearly sarcastic laugh, “Like fuck she is.” She spits.
I feel like the is should be a did instead.
Spelling 53
Damiana must be the only thing in the room, you wonder on some ways to make ${dhim} like you.}
I think you used the wrong word here, this sounds wrong. Maybe imagine ways, ponder ways etc.
Spelling 54
You step back and Damiana lets out a gruff questioning sound. $!{dhe} furrows ${dhis} brow and you nod towards Penny. “Can you take this?” You whisper
Missing period after whisper.
Spelling 55
Your phone buzzes twice in rabid succession. A text from Monty is the first.
Probably meant to write rapid.
Spelling 56
Maybe it’ll make things worse, but you’re used to doing that, but dancing around it doesn’t make sense to you either. Especially since Damiana so clearly has a grudge with you.
I think the sentence works better if you replace with with against.
Spelling 57
Okay, maybe a little, but the question was genuine. “Don’t be a baby. Just be honest, you don’t want to tell me because you’re not over our break up or something.”
Should be breakup.
Spelling 58
"He picked up cologne habits from his brother.
Should be a " at the end of that sentence. I think the sentence flows better if you add a his between up and cologne.
Spelling 59
Thrown and exasperated you let out your own annoyed scoff, “Are you slut shaming me? Is Aphrodite slut shaming me?”
I think there is an off missing between thrown and and. Should be slut-shaming.
Spelling 60
Damiana takes a soft breath to laugh, letting ${dhis} head tilt to the other side, “you can figure it out.”
Should be capitalised.
Spelling 61
“How dare you…” $!{dhis} hands shake
Should be a period after shake, unless the sentence is incomplete.
Spelling 62 + Minor suggestion + Continuity
“Do you…” You falter, a bit scandalized at the task, “…Want me to ask Johnny how you sleep?”
[…]
“Fine. I don’t know how you’re going to do it. Just…don’t bother reading up on us. ALl of the myths out there are fake, out of context…or just fucked up romanticizations.”
I feel like this is something Ares would only say if they have dumbass points, maybe have them say something less dumb otherwise lol. Should be All. I feel there should be some mention of Sig’s book here if you have it, like maybe something about being grateful that you have a book that’s colour-coded depending on how truthful something in it is.
Spelling 63
“Damiana, lie to yourself if you fucking want, but I didn’t give you a nose bleed.”
Should be nosebleed.
Spelling 64
Damiana spares no curses, as ${dhe}'s thrown ass over teakettle.
Should be tea kettle.
Spelling 65
"Tis good to know how well you take orders," ${rebhe} says, in such a way that makes you feel a bit sick.
[…]
#“A box cutter? Why not a knife?”
*set rebellove %-5
*set obedient %-3
Of all the weapons to threat someone with it isn’t the worst, you suppose. But there are many better ones out there. “A box cutter? Why not a knife.”
Should be 'Tis, should be a question mark after knife.
Spelling 66
“Nothing bad. Vanessa’s worried,.”
Remove the comma.
Spelling 67 + Continuity
“What?” $!{dhe} shouts with such ferocity it makes even Rebel draw back, “No! I already had to convince with $!{dancerpick}! It’s your turn!”
This sentence sounds very awkward, also, Dame preferred to call Adonis Don, so Rebel might not recognise the name if you picked the male dancer. Unless Dame calls him Adonis now so that the scene can progress normally lol.
Spelling 68
“I’m not good at these things,” you hiss back, hoping against the impossible that Rebel can’t hear.
Should be capitalised.
Spelling 69 (Nice)
From your periphary you can see him clearly staring at you, “I am.”
Should be periphery.
Spelling 70
“Fine, not hot. But children could be badass. I bet i secretly was and you never even knew.”
Should be capitalised.
Spelling 71
“You left me no choice but to be swift.” $!{rebhe} accuses, teeth bared, "Twas hardly my finest work, I shall admit. Yet you would not have achieved even that in the time I had."
Should be 'Twas.
Spelling 72
“What are you saying?” His hand is on your wound. “Hold this—” Before you can question a gun is placed in your hand. “Can you walk?” Your ankles are turned to splay your feet in an awkward position. You try to raise your leg to no response.
I think an it is missing after question.
Spelling 73
Franco stops only to put his designer shoes to keep the body still. Pop. Pop. Pop. Pop. His face is cold, uninterested in anything but making the corpse pay.
I think there are some words missing here.
Spelling 74
But you’re surprisingly well versed in walking away from angry people and before either can stop you you’ve already eased backwards into the crowd, a lazy smile on your face.
Should probably be a comma after you.
Spelling 75
The bathrooms are well lit at least, you can see them leaning against the wall. With no intention to let them slip from your fingers again you don’t allow yourself blink as you head to them.
Should be well-lit.
Spelling 76
“Is that a fucking box cutter?” You ask, again trying to turn and again being denied. No, the point is sharp but
I think this sentence is incomplete.
Spelling 77
Rebel’s voice is hesitant, confused, “I made the snare in the time it took you to come out here, twas extraordinarily quick on my part.”
Should be 'twas. I think you should just check if every 'twas and 'tis is spelled correctly, they’re very easy to get wrong. They’re pretty much the only words in English where the apostrophe is placed before the first letters of the words lol.
Spelling 78
#I still need ${rebhim}, I cant make threats, I have to play… nice.
Should be can’t.
Spelling 79
“Status?” You ask—say. You say, because it’s true. You’ve got some money now. You’re going to get more, you can afford to wear out limited editions shoes. Shit, maybe you could start a collection. It doesn’t matter.
This is pretty repetitive.
Spelling 80
“Bah! Tis boring if I must be given a pete of all things. Give me another, one you care about.”
Should be 'tis.
Spelling 81
Only when you pin ${rebhis} wrists to the ground does Rebel continue what ${rebhe} said in a short hot whisper, “—It is far more honest, wouldn’t you agree?”
Is Rebel supposed to consistently say 'tis instead of it is?
Spelling 82
Several drops roll between ${rebhis} lips, and Rebel opens to lick it clean.
I think there are some words missing in here.
Spelling 83
The angle is awkward, ${rebhis} tumb finger is deeper in your mouth that anything, bending against your molars while the rest of your jaw is pressed along the edge of ${rebhis} palm. But you can hold this forever.
Should be thumb, can remove the word finger, if that is the case. Unsure what “that anything” means, I think there are some words missing.
Spelling 84
Rebek only manages to let out a vengeful roar as the driver crushes ${rebhim} into the dumpster.
Should be Rebel.
Spelling 85
His eyes widen as he looks down at you. HIs lips tremble in a quiet breath and he falters as in putting pressure on your wound.
Should be His. Think you can remove as.
Spelling 86
Franco leans away from you, and raises the gun. It’s an awkward angle, he has to push in front of Billie’s face. HIs brother flinches which makes him pull back in a panic.
Should be His.
Spelling 87 + Flow
Sigourney’s foot is pressed beneath your chin, keeping you from biting her only barely, her other leg has it’s knee pressed into your side.
[…]
No— that was not the sound of a full bullet. It wasn’t even half. Your torso convulses. You can feel it inside of you. Dislodge from your spine now, it’s loose.
I think the sentence flows better if you replace only with just. Or even rephrase it as “just barely keeping you from biting her,”. Should be dislodged.
Spelling 88 + Confused
You can practically feel Damiana choosing exactly how to explain this to everyone. But, before ${dhe} gets a chance to be gentle about it, Franco just says it, “But ${dhe} can’t die.”
[…]
“I heard the alarm and went looking,” ${dhe} clenches ${dhis} teeth, aggressively giving a pointed glare at RIley, “But someone’s doors are all in the wrong place at Vanessa’s. I went out the front to try and find $!{name} but where the exit should be on the outside didn’t even have a door.”
I don’t understand why Franco is saying this. Should be Riley.
Spelling 89
Much like the rest of the apartment, the bathroom is a war zone. Just one of a different battle. Gold and pink glitter down hit in the lines of a bombing run, drops of foundation splattered against the sink, cuts of mascara where brushes had been dropped.
[…]
“Party clothes and make up.” You state.
I think there is a missing word somewhere in here or something. Should be makeup. I also kinda get the impression that this segment was written with a female Ares, or someone who otherwise uses makeup themselves in mind.
Spelling 90
You mystery woman is as old as her voice made her seem, long graying hair and with two thick sweaters.
Should be your.
Spelling 91
“'Then you have squandered an opportunity, Lamb.”
Remove the ’ in front of then.
Spelling 92
For three months you ate her awful half-cooked food. For three months you and her silently endured the others presence.
Should be other’s.
Spelling 93
Theres a coarseness of ${rebhis} lips, with every movement ${rebhe} tries to sand you down.
Should be there’s.
Spelling 94
“I’ll be outside, come get me when you’re done,” you grumble in annoyance. Rebel bother trying to get you to stay.
I think there is a doesn’t missing between Rebel and trying.
Flow
“Right.” Harper didn’t hide ${hhis} sneer from ${hhis} boss as ${hhe} stepped away. As ${hhe} adjusted Dorothy you noted idly two thin gold bracelets Harper had. Odd, ${hhe} never wore jewelry like that before.
I think this flows better if it’s “idly noted the” instead.
Flow 2
@{(selfloathing > 0) You’re not sure why he’s even thinking about it. It’s not like anyone actually has loved you. Not like you’re worthy of it.|Not that it even happens often.}
I feel this sentence flows better if you swap the position of those words. Maybe add an ever between them, for that self-loathing lol.
Word salad
“She was logged into her work computer, coincidentally, can you come to her work? We’re outside.” You wait for a beat, several, actually, and when there’s is not but silence you continue, “We can talk. Try to find her together. We saw your other emails.”
What?
Continuity 1
You could ask one to hang out. You’re not exactly sure who’d be the best for that. Riley seems to enjoy your presence well enough. You could ask ${rhim}. Franco too, maybe.
If you didn’t check out the argument in the band earlier, I don’t think Ares would have this impression of Franco.
Continuity 2
A few teens use what clean snow they can find to make a snowman, muck turning it brown and black.
So, are they using clean snow or not? Clean snow isn’t known for containing muck lol. Also might be a “little” missing between what and clean.
Continuity 3 + Suggestion
He lazily rolls his eyes and steps away from you to leave. “Whatever, $!{surname}. When they evict you, do us a favor and don’t rub shit on the walls. As your kind typically does.”
*if ((ethnicity != “white”) or (immigrant = true))
“My kind?” You snap, advancing on him. He acknowledges neither you nor your shaking hands.
Since he’s already been a dick to you if you’re trans in this very conversation, I feel like this check should check if you’re trans too. I also think it would be cool if it also checked for if you let Maurice know you had a same-sex hookup earlier in the game. Let the man be a dick on every front imaginable lol.
Though, given the fact that you apparently pass well enough that the gods need to be explicitly told (or shown, as with Riley lmao) I don’t really think Maurice would be able to tell that Ares is trans in the first place.
Also I think the sentence works better if it’s “kind” that is italicised, and not typically. Makes him more of a dick.
Continuity 4
*if (dumbass)
*set johnnylove %+5
*set damelove %+3
*set jackielove %+10
“It is.” Jackie confirms, “We simply never thought—” She doesn’t get to finish as Johnny speaks up.
“You didn’t know who the Greek Gods were last week but now you know what xenia is?”
“Well yeah. I did a…research.”
“Oh my god.” He whispers.
If I understand this correctly, this just checks if you have dumbass points, it does not specifically check if you had no idea who the greek gods were last week. Since you can get dumbass points for example from being an idiot talking to Sig in the park. Love Johnny here btw lol.
And who knows? Maybe when their motivations are revealed you’ll end up agreeing with them…
Which totally means I have a chance.”
