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Link to Gemini: Winds of Change (WIP:) https://dashingdon.com/play/drewwolf/gemini-winds-of-change/mygame/
Short Prologue added!
New Ch. 3 scenes added!
Synopsis
This fast-paced epic pre-metallurgy fantasy milieu mystery heist begins on the icy southern continent of Faclan---- A thief, a spy, or something else? Sail the seas with your closest friend in search of this mysterious intruder and get sucked into the world of Gemini.
When the world in on the verge of change, how will you react? What mark will you leave?
Recent Additions: 9/28/23
– Prologue added
– Ursus has taken some vow of silence. When will he end it?
– 3 New Skills: Reading/Writing, Ice/Rock-climbing, Swimming
– Eye color is significant
– Added a small scene in Ch. 2 where you and Liam discuss where your parents may have gone.
– Added an option in the Ch. 2 to discuss the lifting of Liam’s curse and its connection to the mysterious intruder.
– Preview into the start of Ch. 3 (Introduction to Idunn and Ursus)
– You can now negotiate with Idunn
Current Objectives:
– Further review all choices Ch. 1 and 2 (although largely settled)
– Carry through more plot points (as/if needed)
– Chapter 3: Berkeley (this chapter will have a few different perspectives, two new
companions, and a permanent bifurcation at the end.
There will also be a few romanceable characters. Your goals will be navigating the rules
of the village (there is a jail), collecting information, bartering, eating, drinking,
romancing. There will also be discussion of the galleon encounter and its meaning.
(I’m absolutely considering a tattoo/piercing shop in Berkeley)
An author's thought:
Although this is a “pre- metallurgy” period story---- and I adhered to that era, as we know it, as best I could---- it is still fiction fantasy. Afterall, there is still some debate about technologies of the past, of how things were built, or the knowledge that was possessed. To me, this is the wonder of those ages---- a tiny wedge of space to insert my imagination. What were these places like before metal shaped the world? And is the invention order of these technologies fixed? Were things lost and found over the years? And what if some places rejected technologies, yet others embraced them? Finally, what were the consequences? They may not be what we would think…
Special thanks to these readers:
Thank you all for not only taking the time to read/play my IF story, but also leave thoughtful feedback---- even if it is just to say you like it. Your feedback changed my story for the better by encouraging me to improve.
ZestyPixel
Havenstone
Nemorah
valence
Dpwjeremy
33 Likes
Hello. Very interesting game, I like what you have here. Here’s my feedback
- My biggest suggestion would be to have the character customisation right at the start. I like what you have here, but I also like reading stuff that’s chaotic and you don’t really know what’s going. Unfortunately most people don’t and would not like being thrown straight into a new world and playing without knowing anything. Having it right at the start along with a bit of context on who you are, etc would help people ease into the game.
- I was going to say that the options aren’t really clear on which stat they affect, but I kinda like it this way.
- The stat page could be cleaned up a bit.
- I like your writing style.
I don’t have much feedback other than this. I like what you have here and am looking forward to how you improve it.
5 Likes
This is indeed a rewrite. Regretfully you keep commiting the same mistakes as before.
Plot starts with the action with no forewarning (People should know why they are there. And where they are) which hurts inmersion a lot.
I played more than once, and there’s barely branching or meaningful options with different outcomes that can be considered relevant (Huge mistake in an IF) since even if it’s only flavour text, meaningful choices are a must. The plot is all over the place, and it’s pure confusion. You truly need to make it less confusing. Remember this is a narrarive story, not some sort of pen and paper RPG.
Not the place for that.
Another thing I noticed is the shit jokes, literal shit jokes.
Buddy, no one likes shit jokes, or mostly everybody don’t like them.
Please stop making them. First was the shit mask, and now the “Oops I farted”.
It seriously needs to stop.
8 Likes
Umar_Mahmood : Thankyou for your words. Just to hear anyone appreciate my writing style is a breath of fresh air. I have put a lot of work into getting better. Did you feel like you were buried in snow? Any suggestions for the stat page would be welcomed. Yes, I love a story that keeps you on your heels, then reveals those background things in pieces as you go. These are the stories I read and love. I am reading a book right now where you don’t get the main antagonist’s background until the 3rd book.
I hear what you are saying, but not all stories start with some back story---- sometimes you learn it along the way. I am sensing a lot of pushback about this approach to story telling. I believe I did an adequate job describing where the MC is and that it is their (your) home, and why you can’t go back there yet. Throughout the chapters, depending on what you say or do, you get more information about what is going on. It is a mystery. It is in Berkley where more details will be filled in over a good breakfast.
Humor is tough: I’ve noticed many IN stories do not have much humor and sometimes are very grim in tone or topic. Something I’d like to change. I’d love to be directed to some humorous stories…to see how other’s try it out. I feel like the IN concept lends itself well to have fun with humor. It does break immersion---- I will consider removing the fart joke and other’s like it. There are not many left any more. I set Humor as a character attribute----something I thought to be a very new concept. I’d like to keep it.
I’m not sure I agree with you: There are Hebi (hairy snakes) you encounter or don’t. You can catch-up with the Jangada before it wrecks, then decide what to do with it (you can even burn it later on) there are various ways to interact with Xalesdon----all reveal different pieces of information. Then there is the storm at the end of chapter 2…or no storm. Along the way certain decisions increase, or sometimes decrease, your speed, which in turn effect at which time you reach places.
Anyhow, I promised this time around I would greatly reduce my responses. I just wanted to make sure no one caught any errors---- I did. Thankyou both for the time you took to read this story. I look forward to more comments---- though they often shake the very foundation of my soul.
2 Likes
Well done with the rewrite – this is a lot more gripping and fun. I agree that when the dust first settles after the opening action sequence, it would be good to get a little more info on who you are and what you want. The mystery feels a little too opaque right now. And there are lots of humor styles out there less alienating than random fart references and similar toilet humor; you might consider switching to one of those as your go-to dialogue option to boost the humor stats.
But be encouraged. This is a big change in the right direction.
5 Likes
Some IF that are quite humorous are (at least these stories made me laugh):
-Tally ho & jolly good (same author, managed to make me laugh uncontrollably in public transport)
-The golden rose (not a comedy but certainly had some funny scenes. Will never forgot the donkey race)
-Top villain: total domination
-Not your mothers shire (WIP)
-College tennis & merry crisis (WIP’s, same author. Not comedies per se but plenty of funny dialogues and scenes are present)
I agree that shit jokes feel rather childish and may not be the best form of humour to apply.
I read the first chapter and the rewrite is most definitely a step in the right direction. I do have some qualms about the pre bronze age setting and the words you use to describe certain objects. I’m an archaeologist so it might just be professional bias, but when you write ‘knife’ people will assume it’s metal. Maybe you can write down ‘flint knife’ or something along those lines. A guitar is also unlikely, beter to make it a flute or drum et cetera.
Also when does this take place? Pre bronze age it quite broad. Are we talking about hunter gatherers or about the first farmers? If the latter, does the snow mean we’re still in an iceage or is it just winter? Because a country still affected by the iceage doesn’t really lend itself for farming.
I also feel that plunging directly into the action is a bit disorientating. Maybe we can first sit at the fire, learn where we are, and choose what we are doing. Than notice a thieve sneaking in and stealing something before we scream for Liam’s help?
I also just wanted to say that I think it quite admirably that you managed to shrug off the harsh -and often mean- replies you got on your first attempt. Good luck with your writing journey. And just a friendly reminder to other readers. It’s okay to give your opinion (they don’t need to be positive) and suggestions, but there is no reason to be rude or mean about it.
2 Likes
Havenstone and Nemorah,
Thankyou for your words and review.
I agree, it would be a bone knife. An easy fix.
Maybe a better term would be pre-metallurgy? Yes there would be farming, but not on Faclan. It is just very south, so naturally cold---- so no ice age. And language would be about as sophisticate as I can get away with for my sake as writer. I’m not ready to write a book where everyone grunts at each other ha ha. Oh lord you are an archaeologist! That is very cool. I never thought about the guitar…I found a Tanbur at 1500 B.C. That’s good enough for me. Tanbur it is ha ha. This is good though. You’ll have a good eye for things out of time. It is fantasy; but, I do want to make it as realistic as possible. I’m sure there are other words or terms that are out of time. A few I just took an artist’s liberty to have in there. Anyhow, if you found others, let me know. I love looking things up.
The humor…sigh…yes, I will find more sophisticated humor strategies.---- And thank you for directing me to some funny games. I will check them out.
Thank you so much for that comment. I nearly gave-up Nemorah. I had a lot of anxiety in sharing again---- Haven’t sat down much the last two days.
Instant Action: I love instant action, I really do. or, I love super slow starts. I know, it makes no sense. But, I am taking all of your advice seriously. I already started working on how to weave a little more back story and where to do it. I definitely can add a conversation or two prior to the opening sequence. And I think it would serve to strengthen the story. I am absolutely avoiding an orphaned child prologue thing. But, I haven’t addressed the MC’s parents or the social structure of Faclan. I honestly thought no one cared ha ha. You both have given me some good directions to run in. I thank you
Hey, I read your demo recently and here are some things I liked:
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The setting! Pre-metallurgy societies are fascinating and fun to read about. I guessed right about some of the sailing things and felt proud of myself.
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I like Liam. It was fun to banter with him and having a friend along for the adventure was really nice. (I got one riddle correct and saved a baby bird!)
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Plus I enjoyed the ghost ship decoy. That was clever.
Like other people have said, it would be nice to have a little introduction at the beginning to put things in context. We start out in an armory … I guess? We’re guarding weapons? Underground, or maybe in a stone building … but we also have a boat?
I like the setting, but the specifics confused me a little.
Subjective advice
Consider where you want the player to be putting in the most effort. This story is described as a mystery, so what are the biggest questions you want me, the player, to be asking as it goes along?
It feels like it should be ‘who is the thief’ and ‘why did they steal that’ and ‘how do I catch them?’
But in the current version, I’m so busy putting together clues about the basic world that I don’t have time to wonder about anything else. I want to be focused on the thief, but I’m distracted by inane details like ‘if Liam is worried about leading the big ship back home, then that means we probably live somewhere near the water…right?’
I never read your original demo, but I heard about why you took it down and I really admire that you’re sticking with it. Getting feedback can be tough, especially when everyone has a different opinion on what they think you’re doing wrong.
But what you’ve done right is: I had a good time playing the demo. I like the MC, I care about Liam. I want to know what happens next and how the world works and if we ever get our stuff back.
I hope you keep going, I like this.
4 Likes
valence,
Thank you so much for your feedback---- and in particular the subjective feedback. I love the questions that you are asking, and, I will try and deliver on them. I have a very large scene that I have been working on all week to explain the setting a little more, and give context. I did even more research. It never stops; but, I love to learn. I am threading that large scene into the story today. I think readers will like it. It needed to be there. I need to make an official wiki for myself before I start getting confused. I am very happy that you liked the riddles. There will be more. I will post an update when I have the new scenes loaded-in. Today I have been improving the humor and removing the cheap jokes that I use when I am drunk with my friends---- acting like infants. Again, thank you so much for your insightful feedback and kind words.
I am liking it so far. A very interesting story.
1 Like
This brings me joy, thank you. It should only get better as I continue to hone my story telling. I posted some updates and goals. Chapter 3 will feel very different. There will be color, and people, and a certain vibrancy that Faclan can not offer---- not to mention great food.
1 Like
I don’t know what any of these mean
Making the reader stop reading and have to go Google stuff is probably not the smoothest way to write a story tbh
1 Like
I feel like these words have a more body positive tone. I will add a parenthesis after the body-type words to define them. Easy fix. I initially had very little physical customization---- And I certainly don’t want them to disrupt the story or have a lot of them. Thank you for the feedback. I hope you kept reading.
Body Type
mesomorphic (heavy)
ectomorphic (thin)
endomorphic (muscular)
