You mentioned this game idea on another thread about writing MCs with disabilities. I think a bit of research on ASL grammar, and some more attention to signed dialogue, would help mitigate the drawbacks brought up on that thread.
I don’t really know ASL, so I could be wrong about some of this, but I don’t think the signed dialogue quite feels like sign language. ASL is not English, so you are translating from one language to another. Some elements won’t translate.
Any deaf/mute/hoh/ASL-familiar folks, please feel free to correct anything that seems wrong. I get this info from the internet and a tiny amount of personal experience. Still, I would consider making these changes:
*“I don’t like that name”*
Change to: “I don’t like the name ‘First’”
This isn’t a literal gloss (I think that would be something like “I/me don’t-like name F-I-R-S-T”), but it probably comes a bit closer to what someone would actually say. (Also, I think the italics do enough to set off the dialogue. No need for asterisks.)
*“They’re listening today, use the whiteboard…I’m sorry Jamie, I know you don’t like it.”*
Change to: “Today they are listening. You must write on the whiteboard. Sorry, I know you don’t like it.”
Again, not a precise gloss. My guess on that would be something like, “today (points finger at door) listen you-me. You write (points to whiteboard). Sorry. I know you don’t-like (points to whiteboard).” It’s just as quick and easy to sign “write” as it is to sign “use,” and “write” is more precise.
You make the an exaggerate roll of your eyes with a flick of flippant gestures “Yes ma’am.” Followed with a mock salute and a quite breathy chuckle.
According to Lifeprint.com, there is no sign for “ma’am” or “sir.”
Change to: You roll your eyes and give Lydia a mock salute. She chuckles, and begins putting away your books.
(The playful nature of the sarcasm is implied by Lydia’s reaction. No need to describe incidental gestures.)
I’m not saying that you need to know ASL in order to write the MC’s dialogue, and I’m definitely not saying you should put your project on hold while you research ASL. I am suggesting that you spend some time reading about ASL, and that your editing process include tweaking the dialogue to better reflect ASL style.
Also, First is a horrible and mean-spirited choice for a name. Poor First.