Firstly, that’s actually a great question and I’m going to say it’s one of those plot holes that I skipped over lol.
But other assassins are able to touch them and not be poisoned as well as it’s only sent by hand . . . and nowhere does it say you have to touch to get the birds and the bees going rofl! I might think a bit more about this and shift things accordingly.
Edited: Also though if he was wearing gloves or controlling it like @Sammysam implied, then it wouldn’t really effect the wife.
They do. The gloves is more of a precaution thing.
And later in the story you’ll figure out why he wasn’t killed by your touch.
I’ve noticed a of lot tense inconsistencies, where you vary between present and past.
The pages lean toward chunky. Shorter paragraphs (even if only a few sentences) tend to be a stronger tool than one single paragraph. This is because the human eye can only track so much at once, and, psychologically speaking, our brains find it easier to fully absorb information if it is properly spaced and organized. Your players aren’t going to remember words, they’re going to remember ideas and impressions, so your paragraphs should be focused on emphasizing ideas and impressions.
The same goes for the choices, kind of. Instead of organizing, maybe instead summarizing, especially where the generally accepted stylization is to keep choices short and more like “thought blurbs”, because reading the choices isn’t as important to the players as just making them.
You have a really good grasp of sentence structure, and there’s some pretty majestic imagery going on. I think that kind of awe-inspiring, mysterious, majesty kind of style would really emphasize your story, in terms of presentation.
First person can be very tricky, which is why most people tend to avoid it. You handle yourself very well with It, but keep in mind that, at its most effective, it is a flow of consciousness style of writing. It’s a super difficult tense to master, and I’m excited to see how you do!
Beyond that, it’s a fascinating concept. I think it’d be really neat to see some of the everyday limitations of killing someone via touch, like where a couple other people have asked about sex. How does it affect these assassins to never be able to touch someone? Does it make them really cynical? Emotionally detached? Angry?
Thanks for both the critiques and compliments! I think my biggest issue as a writer is staying in the appropriate tenses, and I have zero clue how to fix that besides going back multiple times and reading it over. And I’m happy you pointed out the paragraphs, I was wondering if I should break them up a bit more.
For the update I’m seriously looking at feedback since there are some points where it might seem like a personality trait is forced onto you.
But just so you know, if there is a trait that seems forced, your character has been trained as an assassin for a ruthless Lord since they were ten. So if it seems that at times they seem a bit to . . . stab stab . . . then that might, might be the case.
Also looking for any gender pronouns that are wrong. As well as if the Prince/Princess pronouns are wrong. I tried to find all of them but I’m pretty sure I probably missed some on accident.
Brilliant update, I really enjoyed reading it and look forward to more. Something I might mention is that the fact that the MC has to wear lots of clothing.(E.g. gloves) isn’t mentioned as much as I thought it would be. But otherwise awesome update and kudos to you for releasing a large update instead of a tiny one.
Yeah but like mentioning that the MC has to always cover their hands and arms or something before coming in contact with people, at least at the beginning of the story. But this is just my opinion and please disregard it if its to picky or something.
We’re allowed to make our fake name the same as our real name which kind of defeats the purpose of a fake name. Why is the glamor temporary? It would make the plan (even though there is none) more bulletproof if the glamor was permanent, but I’m ok with it being temporary for plot reasons (although, It would make my plan of being a royal with the protection of the human army from the 10 year old kidnapping assassin making Lord easier ).
What is the plan? It makes no sense that the Lord is going to attack shortly after the ‘I do’ and expect that just because we’re (a foreign born, probably unwanted and unloved, bad. Or at least I think people would dislike a foreigner) royal, people won’t notice or care about the puppet government. I don’t know where killing our husband plays into this plan either.
When we talk to Asher about how he feels about the glamor and whatever, we can choose to be neutral and like talking to him, but we can’t just be neutral.
Since you use first person, there were no wrong pronouns in the part I played. It was a good update.
Lol thanks for pointing that out, I just fixed it so that you have to choose another name to move on. It’ll be up whenever the next update is up.
But this glamour thing that you keep referring to, I’m not quite sure I follow with what you are speaking of?
It’s the mindset that I don’t think you “husband” the proper heir to the throne and ruler of a kingdom, will just roll over and let a foreign power come in and rule his land. Sure you can say throw him in a dungeon but can we see Doran “the 10 year old kidnapping assassin making Lord”, just throw an heir in the dungeon? I love that by the way lol.
You should probably put in a check that our fake name can’t be the same as our real name. I don’t see why it can’t be that way logically, but it’d make exchanges like “Not Josselyn remember? Josselyn,” I chuckle and he joins in.
scan better.
God bless. It’s here and I somehow missed it. I’m working on a super late secret santa present still so I’ll rush to play this later. Thank you for making this out of your previous list of games. They all sounded womderful in their own right tbh but this one just called out to me.
I thing I’ve find two errors, hope no one has pointed them already. When the MC chooses who they want to focus on (the Prince/ss, the King, etc.), if you choose the Prince, go to the end of the demo and check the The Kingdom stat page, it says in Type of Plan “Focus on Me and Me Only”. I imagine it should say something regarding the Prince, the same way it says “Good Side of the King” if you choose to focus on the King. Also, choosing “Go in and behave as if the spot is already mine, there is no competition” gives and error.
).
