For the Crown WIP (29 Jan 2017)


#1

Summary: You are a Cimmerian, a proud but maltreated species living amongst the Dead Lands. Even more specifically you are an Assassin Cimmerian and a dedicated follower to the lord of your lands. So there is little surprise when you are recruited for an important mission, one that could lead to you recovering land that long ago belonged to your people but was unjustly stolen. But are you ready for your loyalty to be tested, for your task includes wooing the next in line for the throne.

  • Choose the people, the nobles, or stand with your home
  • Three different romances to choose from, all different backgrounds.
  • Watch a kingdom you loathe fall or fall in love with a people not your own.
  • Be a faithful follower to the Gods or denounce them, or attempt to become one yourself.
  • Start a war all with a couple of words or keep the peace with your actions

An heir, a rare assassin, and a maniacal Lord that will stop at nothing to see himself rule over all, even by killing those who have proved their loyalty to him. Will you help him succeed or allow him to bury you and your name?

“For the Crown” is rated PG-13 for violence and gore.

For the Crown Link: https://dashingdon.com/go/1067

Current Word Count: 40,475 words, 1 Prologue, and 6 Chapters

Updates

  • 29 January 2017: Two chapters have been added.

  • 26 December 2016: Hehehe, the last update of 2016, kinda cool and all. But I uploaded it with two more chapters.

  • 16 December 2016: I will try to update this frequently but I’m in no rush to finish this and I’m looking for big time feedback. What do you like? What do you not find appeasing? Any thing you are seriously looking forward to? Confused about anything? All of these things will definitely help me.


My top WIPs as of right now
Snake in the Grass [working title] - updated May '17
#2

would they say OMG?


#3

/sniff/ . . . Yea I fixed that but . . . yea . . . great notice . . . :sweat_smile:


#4

At the beginning of chapter 2 you switch various times between first and second person before you seem to settle on first person. I didn’t notice if it happens more often though, I would have to play again looking out specifically for it.

Later dying themselves due to the inability to survive without._ My stomach twists, I never knew the fate of my mother, my father always refused to speak it.

Add another " where the _ is


#5

The sci-fi theme in a fantasy story is throwing me off.

The MC is already defined with a personality. Some people might want to make their own MC.

The MC is forced to be attracted to Asher.

The Lord scene was a little confusing. Why are we there? I guess we never met him before and that’s why he wanted to see our powers.


#6

It was a flashback signaled through the change to italics and then it switched back to present.

I think a little notice in the style of “so and so much years in the past” would probably avoid any confusion and give us a feeling of the timeline.


#7

Are you speaking of this part:

As your eyes journeyed up the walls, intricate carvings amongst
the walls were visible, strange markings resting between their borders. It all held a
touch of pure elegance yet nothing short of mystery as you walked them. The deeper
you got, the darker the halls seemed to turn and the barer the walls became. The
elegance seemed to slowly disappear and in their stead left a haunting aura.

If so, then that was intentional. It was more of you describing your surroundings to someone, but if that’s to confusing I can change it.

@Sovereign2Lilith

  1. What’s the sci-fi theme?
  2. Can you explain this one a bit better, as an example of where I’m forcing the personality onto the reader?
  3. And that part is going to be fleshed out as the story goes on, you learn more as you go.

#8

Yes, that part. It threw me a little bit off.

I think one of the problems is that no matter what the reader has to think that he is handsome; what if the way he is described would absolutely not be my type or something?

Also some players may want neither friendship nor romance but just get rid of him as soon as possible.


#9

Yea after I commented and then went back, I realized what she meant by that and I’m editing now. I’ll also change the you’s.

Thanks for the point out guys! :blush:


#10

This is really awesome but what species are we


#11

I really enjoyed playing the demo for this WIP! Looking forward to the next update!


#12

You might want to use a place name other than “Cimmeria” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conan_the_Barbarian


#13

You’re a Cimmerian, or more specifically an Assassin Cimmerian.

@LordOfLA Cimmerian is an actual Greek word so it’s not trademarked by anyone.


#14

I love the novel so far, but I’m not seeing the hints of sci-fi that everyone dislikes then again I had an error in the middle of chapter 2 so… but I do hope that there isn’t sci-fi because this has all the makings of a great and I mean great fantasy type novel, love the work so far and keep up the good work.


#15

I’m also not sure where the sci-fi idea is coming from. Now that its been mentioned the red on gray color scheme the graphics are done in does have a bit of a battered technological sci-fi feel to it. Not sure if that has anything to do with anything.


#16

The background and red highlights remind me of scifi, but there’s nothing story wise that breaks the fantasy theme.

But, everything’s great now that I learned about flashback italics (I’m the worst at telling if something is italicized) and I could just change the color on my browser.


#17

Ohhhh… Now that you mention it, does have hints of sci-fi I really don’t care though to be honest


#18

Ohhhhhhh! See I just liked the dark theme but I can easily change it to something much simpler.

@childofgod Also do you know what the error was or perhaps what choices led you to it? The only error I know that will pop up is at the end saying you can’t move on to the third chapter but that’s because I haven’t put it up yet.


#19

Yeah it should work, gray can equal stone castles as easily as starship steel in theory. Expecialy with the description of the dead lands. But as someone who has been playing computer games as long as they have existed (and was reading fantasy/sci-fi before that) I’ve noticed that sci-fi has typically been framed in blues and grays while fantasy tends to be framed by greens and browns.

Not to say you can’t go against type. Warm colors like brown and green might not necessarily fit an assassination tale perfectly either.


#20

It says it a few times. Starts with a c I cant remember how to spell it though