Enigma: The Pied Piper (updated 7/9/21)

This is my first COG and keep in mind that this is a mystery/thriller/ horror. You’ve been warned.

Last updated 7/9/21

Summary

You are an Agent of the Royal Criminal Investigations Agency. Your job is to bring justice to the victims and trace monsters in human flesh. People believe that monsters exist in bedtime stories and haunted mansions. You disagree for you know that nothing is scarier than human nature.

The country is in political tumult, a killer who leaves no trace other than a trail of brutally murdered bodies. They are an enigma, a puzzle, a challenge or maybe things are not what they seem. For bubbling underneath the calm facade is a rotting plague that threatens to take you by surprise.

Question is…what part do you play in this game of chess? Are you a pawn…or a queen?

You carry the demons of your past on your back and now it’s straining your spine. Friends…family…love…will you keep them safe…from you?

Love interests

The LIs are open to all sexualities and gender. Two are gender set while the other four are set according to your orientation.

I’d recommend reading the chapters before checking the LI description.

  1. Agent Leon/ Leonora Atkins (M/F)

They were your mentor and senior when you were newly comissioned. A legend at the RCIA, there isn’t a single case that could baffle them. Then came that one case which changed them forever. Something important, a part of their soul was ripped away.

Their pain is hidden behind a flirtaceous grin and charming phrases from everyone except you because you know them. Or at least you thought you so.

  1. S.P Agent Patrick/Patricia Flynn (M/F)
    Their mother once made the mistake of calling them Trick/ Trixie in front of you. Now it’s stuck in your head.

They loathe you.

Why?

No clue.

If you are Harry Potter they’re Malfoy. Retired Special forces and a Carrier Army Officer with three gallantry awards for their efforts during the war. They were offered the position of Head of security for the King but declined gracefully. But that begs the question… what’s a soldier like them doing in this world of murders and crime.

Why did they quit the Army?

  1. Dr Vedhayi Talvar(F)

One of the best Criminal profilers and physiatrists to work with the RCIA. She held your hand and helped guide you home when you were lost. Her experience and instinct tell her that something bad happened to you and she wants to help you heal. The question is…are you willing to let her? Not that it matters to her for once Vedhayi Talvar decides to pick apart your head, she’s never going to give up.

Is her doctor’ oath the only reason she frets over you or is it your friendship? Maybe the good doctor has her own secrets?.

  1. Elliot Nguyen (M/F/NB)

They your best friend since eighth grade and know all your secrets…even the dark ones. Loyal to a fault, the calm to your rage, the balm to your soul, they’re irreplaceable and you love them…maybe in more ways than one.

  1. Killian/ Kiara Winters (M/F)

They’re shy, awkward and introverted around people but when they’re around a computer… they’re scary to watch.

Efficient, Intelligent and extra nervous around you…why?

  1. Elias Walker (M)

Your neighbor who works at a piano store. For starters, the man looks nothing like a musician. His excuse is that he’s a veteran… scarred and stone cold. Then why does he do kind things, why does he help the old lady down the stairs? Why does he prefer hiding his face behind a mask? Why does he wait up for you when the whole city’s asleep?

I have never written a third gender character but I have a feeling that it’s the same as writing a male or female character. However if anybody who plays the NB route for Elliot feels like…maybe it’s a bit stiff and not up to par…let me know.

Also I’d like feedback about the writing, grammar, the story, if it lacks something. Any criticism is good for me. Let me know if there’s anything I can add to make my story better.

Stats are a Work in progress though I’ve managed the first page. The demo has one chapter for now.

Demo

https://dashingdon.com/go/9563

Update Log
  1. 7 September 2021
192 Likes

Oooohh, this is a nice read! :two_hearts:
Does the demo end after the choice when you meet agent flynn? :thinking:

Oh btw, I encountered this…


4 Likes

It was very interesting so far:)
I like the way you introduce characters. Somehow even if I as reader only just met them There is this familiarity with the characters and I dig it !!!
The interactions with Elliott in the car was awesome and I think what contributed to that was that we could pick a way the two characters interacted with each other. like the possibility that Elliott kisses the mcs hand it gave him(in my case) his own weight somehow.
Even if the player chooses it… does that even make sense :joy::face_with_monocle:?

I look forward to learning more…

I did not notice any grammar mistakes (but I am not a native so eh )

1 Like

What an interesting demo!

I didn’t encounter any bugs or errors in my first play through, so good job on that.
I also didn’t encounter any typos, but then again, I was pretty sleepy when I was reading this demo and I’m not a native English speaker, so I could be wrong.

1 Like

@Raven_Twoclock Hi! Seems like an interesting demo, however there’s a big issue with the stats when I was playing the game. I chose to play as a female, but in the stats it shows “male”. While playing the game, I don’t remember being referenced as male or female so far. That’s because I didn’t finish playing it. Let me see if the pronouns are okay in the playthrough. I will put an edit to my post, if there’s something wrong with that.

Edit: as the narration was in the second person view, there was no pronouns issues. However, I have a question. Is there a possibility to add a romantic choice for a person in denial? For example, you like one of the LIs, but you are in denial. Or are your choices already set?

1 Like

Thanks for pointing it out, I’ll fix it and I’m glad you like it.

You have no idea how happy this makes me.

Yeah sorry about that. I wanted to put it as pronouns instead of gender but forgot at the last minute😅

4 Likes

Maybe…:smiling_imp:

5 Likes

I hope you will add save option

1 Like

I like the premise and the character interactions. The humour is on point.


“There”

There was a lot of ‘reading in between the lines’ that I had to do. I think a more better explanation of situations and a bit slower pace on describing evey situation will be helpful. I was a bit confused in some cases. More context, more fleshed out info regarding scenes will be quite helpful. Otherwise it felt like I’m reading a short summary of a situation written hastily missing many pieces of the puzzle.

As for interacting with the shy RO, I feel like instead of gaps in their dialogue, you should introduce more “umm” , “uhh” and stuttering in their dialogue. Also, context like “she wrings her hands together and looks down at her feet and tries to slouch further into herself” will protray her shyness more and won’t cause the break in immersion ( the gaps in between every word was kind of an immersion breaker)

Mortal enemies and best friend and the coroner were really well done. I love all the 3 characters. Also, the Chief. Which brings me to the point - when we were assigned our first case, it showed the mc as a definite kind of personality. Like he was horrified from looking at the murder scene and vomited. But everyone might not like that specific reaction out of their mc. Suppose, I like a stoic mc. He would’ve just furrowed his brows and internally monologued and looked at the scene with detached indifference. A reckless and emotional mc could have cursed and punched thin air in anger and frustration. So I feel if you give the choice to the players on how they want their mc to react to that situation I feel people will more invested in their mc and itd be more solidifying for the story as a whole too.

Also, I like the internal monologue going on and I get it how its important to set up the introduction to the story but the mc doesn’t utter a single word until after the meeting with the Chief. Lacking conversation on part of the mc is a huge immersion breaker. I’d suggest even if you can’t introduce dialogue choices, introduce character trait choices atleast. For ex, during giving the donuts to the coroner, an emotional mc would’ve reacted in a particular way, a stoic mc would’ve reacted in another particular way. Give players that choice and introduce atleast a few dialogues on part of the readers via the mc to keep the immersion intact.


“Trying to ignore the teasing”…does it mean the internal sarcasm in the MC’s mind?
Also, mc was running, so, if they get serious and want to make it the coroner’s office, they’ll atleast jog, yknow to keep the immersion from breaking. These small, subtle things make a lot of difference. And as a whole, they’ll act as couplinks and bring together the story more beautifully.

That’s about all from the top of my head. I really like the vibe of the story, you can do a lot with this kind of crime thriller. I’m excited to see how everything fans out. I’m sorry if I didn’t make sense in certain parts I’m not a native speaker, hehe. Keep up the good work :beers:

2 Likes

This demo looks really promising! However, I did find a few bugs when I was going through it:
My MC was nonbinary, though the stat sheet referred to them as a male.

And then this bug happened. There isn’t a button to go to the next page. If it helps, before this I chose the option to be attracted to Patricia. Once I did, it gave me a text that read “Invalid line”.

Sounds interesting and are we a monster that he so cool

Love this and can’t wait to see what happens

This pops up when I try to select a “plump” figure.

image

Great cliffhanger ending, though. Talk about a hook.

1 Like

“I could always choke you on it.”

Elliot pecks her cheek and wraps her in a side hug.

“You can’t see your toes. How do you plan on getting rid of my body?”

“That’s why I keep…”

It took me a moment to figure out I was supposed to be naming my character here. I’d suggest making it a bit more obvious.

Hi I found a typo and an error


a another one :sweat_smile cant wait for the update

1 Like

Can there be short hair option for male MC too? It is never called “pixie cut” for male, if you search “pixie cut” you will see only examples of short-haired girls.

I know at the crime scene we can choose what MC thinks of Patricia but I noticed that before the choice and even after the choice the MC always seems to be described as feeling hostility toward her.

Some examples:

She gives you an apologetic wince. “I thought it’d be best if you know who you’ll be working with on this case.”
Elliot reads the list over your shoulder as you try to reign in your fury and speak through clenched teeth.
“Elena, who approved SP Agent Flynn?”
The petite woman stutters, “Well… um… she requested HQ for an assignment shift. She’s also the most prolific RCIA agent in Delta city.”
Elliot places a hand on your shoulder and attempts to distract you. “Hey, we get to work with Vedhayi.”
The plot works and you feel the tension in your shoulders loosen. Dr Vedhayi Talvar is one of the most successful psychiatrists and criminal profiler for the Bureau. She’s also an old friend from your dark days and is the only person who can keep Patricia in check.

A harsh baritone wrecks your concentration and you sneer despite yourself. The tall, imposing figure of Special Agent Patricia Flynn stares at you with disdain.

It took a murder for you to be nice to one another. God, this is one twisted job.

Also, “baritone” describes male voice only, not female voice.

A harsh baritone wrecks your concentration and you sneer despite yourself. The tall, imposing figure of Special Agent Patricia Flynn stares at you with disdain.

Fixed it, thanks for pointing it out.

I put in a crew cut as another option, let me know if you’ve got more ideas for haircuts you’d want in the story.

It’s a hate love trope and won’t you feel anger when someone keeps picking on you and only you for no fault of your own? But I get your point and I’ll work on making it more clear. :+1:

Not always, there are women with deep masculine voices and they can be described as baritone.

Nice work with the details. :upside_down_face:

2 Likes

Baritone is a technical Opera term that describes medium male voices.

Women who have the deepest voices are contralto.

4 Likes

wow! great read, i love your writing :slight_smile: looking forward to more! <3