Well, its been a bit of a lot of hemming and hawing but I’ve finally started the process of creating my own game. This is just the initial start so I give my apologies in advance. Still, for those interested, this will be the Demo version of the game. The “full” game will probably be worked on after this Demo is complete so there’s that to look forward to. Currently its only the Opening Page. Should have the Prologue started by the end of the day.
I’ll include a bit of game information later here if people are interested.
Not going to lie, I am kind of nervous in how this in how this will all pan out.
Update: I have to say, the Choicescript isn’t nearly as scary as I thought after spending some time learning the stuff. I’ll be placing updates here as the game moves along. While there isn’t a whole lot more now than there was before, the beginning parts of the story have been put along. I hope people like the feel of it so far. Will update soon
Summary
9/10/18 - Created Demo for story with beginning parts of Prologue
A bit of a forewarning. While removed in this Demo for the sake of a general audience, this series is ultimately meant for a mature audience and will include violence, sexuality, alcohol and language, as well as very disturbing imagery. And while much will be removed or skipped, some scenes may still carry over for the sake of story progression.
Viewer discretion is advised.
While I understand your desire to draw in a greater audience, I’m more than a little intrigued by this decision. Generally a “demo” is meant to give the audience a “demonstration” of what the game will be like before they commit to buying, playing, or testing; if you present a demo of the game that doesn’t actually represent what it will be like in its intended version (i.e. graphic and mature), doesn’t that defeat the purpose of a demo? I’m just curious!
Also, if paid mode unlocks the mature content, but the player chooses to remove that so it goes back to the “inoffensive” content of free mode, what exactly would players be paying for other than making the game more difficult? I’m not criticizing, just trying to understand your thought process, as I don’t believe I’ve seen this method before in IF!
On to the other stuff!
Numbers should be written out in full text, especially when spoken in dialogue: “tenth” rather than “10th,” “hundreds of times” rather than “100s of times.”
Dialogue tags should usually end in a comma. For example, this is from the game:
“This is the 100th time I’ve read it to you today! You need rest if you’re going to be ready for your lessons tomorrow.” She said in mock exaggeration.
These are two separate sentences, which shouldn’t be the case. Dialogue should be written as, “You need rest if you’re going to be ready for your lessons tomorrow,” she said in mock exaggeration whenever it’s followed by a tag such as he said, she cried, they exclaimed, etc.
It was a little jarring to have my choices be suddenly in the perspective (and control) of the little boy, especially when the story is told in the third-person, as if the boy is separate from me. Is there a reason why you’re writing in third-person and not the usual first or second?
Going off of that note, will this story be genderlocked to male, or is the little boy not the true protagonist of the story? If the former, you should definitely specify that in your original post.
I like the stats that you have: they’re unique and well-organized, though I think you might get mixed responses in having them be under separate tabs; people generally like UIs that involve the least clicking possible, so it might be valuable to move “personality” to the main stats page and have relations and skills separate?
Since this intro is quite short, I’m not able to comment on the other parts of the story yet. Good luck with this!
Is the story supposed to end on the “And you are the greatest thing to happen to me” part because two of the three options there lead into an error (didn’t try the third because of deductive reasoning).
There were some parts, mainly the first area that came off as unneeded to me, I don’t really know the best word to use. Like the “Pleaseeeeeee” part, I personally think it would be best to just write it naturally and say that the speaker sang the word or something that means he drew the word out. Also numbers below one hundred should be written out. I also would like to know if this game is gender-locked or not, it seems like we’ll be the male but it could be that you’re just doing that for the prologue.
All in all, the summary is promising, and I wish you all the luck in this story.
It’s a little too early for me to develop a proper opinion or give detailed thoughts about this but…
From what I can tell you are intended to be playing as a male character who already has a set in stone name, but I could be completely wrong to what your intended plan is. That is however, the impression that I got from the set up. Genderlocking isn’t my personal preference of a story, but stories aren’t solely made from what I do and don’t like.
I feel like I want to like this, and I don’t hate it either…but I’m not quite sure how I feel at this stage.
What I feel like you might benefit from is too space lines a little more for better readability and improve clarity for readers.
These are just my thoughts though. I don’t speak for everybody.
The demo is too short for me to form a strong opinion about it, but I liked it (considering some of it’s issues pointed out above by others).
One thing though, the abrupt transition from the third to first person perspective could be a little confusing to some, even though I understand it’s probably only the prologue where it happens. What I’d suggest is, after the first choice when we pick an option (say, “Woah… that’s amazing! I wish I could do that!”), instead of going straight to the mother’s reply, there could be an extra line such as “Woah… that’s amazing! I wish I could do that!” said the boy, his eyes widening. and then the text continues.
In that case, the last choices of the demo could be written as “He hugs her back”, “He silently ponders what she meant” etc.
I believe it reads much better that way, and maintains an unbroken third-person perspective (which I love, especially when used in prologues and flashbacks) while letting us make the choices. All that said, the demo certainly piqued my interest, and I’ll be looking forward to more. Best wishes!
That is an excellent point. Didn’t think of that. Will be keeping it in mind
In this game you aren’t gender locked. The character creation will be happening later.
I’ll take that under consideration. As of now I like the current version but that can change.
Hm… I’ll see what I did. I thought I did exactly that… * goes to check *
Not particularly I don’t think. I’ll take a look and see what the situation is. Thanks for bringing that up.
I might. There are (potentially) more stats to be included that will take up that “main page”. If I decide to not go through with it, which I am considering (coding ain’t no joke. Whole new respect for those bastards that do it lol ) I’ll move the personality stats there.
Quick answer: You are neither the boy nor the mom in the scene.
You know, I’ve never been clear on that. Thanks!
Dually noted. Will change.
Long story short, it will ultimately be two very different games that cover the same general overview. There will be many different changes. The best way I can say is the “Free Mode” won’t be getting the full story. This, as you will see, will be on purpose.
The biggest thing I’d say is I may have miscommunicated the word “Demo”. You all will be getting the full game with the adult content essentially “bleeped out”.
Ex.
The Paid version would have as default a sex scene played out in as much detail as allowed. They’d also have the option to “fade to black”
The Demo version will have the sex scene happen but will automatically “fade to black”
The Free version will not have the scene at all.
Great question. I recognize this is a novel idea and I hope it works out.
@Ethan_Garrick
Thank you for the screenshot. I’ll look into it.
I see. So I was wrong about that and it is my fault. But given that more people than just myself have thought it, maybe it’s worth considering a different angle for your intro as to prevent new readers from jumping to the same conclusion?
I’d hardly say you’re wrong, namely because it was somewhat on purpose. While you don’t play those characters, the scene itself is important and will be understood better a bit later as it unfolds
I’m not criticizing, just trying to understand your thought process, as I don’t believe I’ve seen this method before in IF!
) I’ll move the personality stats there.