Diaspora - Updated 12 February 2024 [First Draft Complete!]

You’re welcome, and I’m glad to do it. Since I’m reading the story anyway, it’s simple enough to take a few screenshots along the way. :slight_smile:


I’m up to the beginning of Ch6. This story just gets better and better!




Should be present tense



“expect you to explain”


I’d actually decided I wanted to try to find another way.

longer (?)

Paragraph break necessary between speakers


Am I missing something, or am I really supposed to think it worthy of note that their body types haven’t changed in the span of a few hours?

Just “playing” (we already know we’re on the beach); “are passing” (“all” is unnecessary)


This was clearly meant to be a negative statement.

“It doesn’t”; what does “them” refer to?

“turning to look”





Long time no see, guys :sweat_smile: Hope you two are doing fine and are excited by what you’ve accomplished here. Seeing Diaspora this close to publication makes me immensely giddy. As I’ve said time and time again, I consider it one of the best WIPs I’ve ever read (if not the best) The story is great, the characters are engaging and so very lovable, the plot is well constructed, and the worldbuilding is rich yet you never infodump on us. You’ve crafted this world with passion and care, and it shows :grin:

So, here’s my thoughts on the last chapters (I owed you guys my comments on like the last three of them, sorry :confused:)

Prefacing my review by saying I haven’t gone through the code as I usually do (and I didn’t read any previous comments on the thread) so chances are the answers to some of my questions are somewhere out there.

Pan's quest:

Love this chapter. Love it love it love it. Any chapter where I can spend time with my beautiful sage is top-tier content. Their inner turmoil when choosing between doing what they were ordered to and what they actually wanted to do, the depth of their character and their motivations had me swooning. Just amazing. Fave chapter.

More Pan love:

Not at all. Not in a million years.

Thank you, thank you thank you for this. You made me and my Deaman very happy :smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

  • The discussion about trying to find a middle-ground so Pan can be in a relationship with Deaman while also keeping their job is everything I ever wanted. I’m so glad it’s an option.

Caught a bug on the second to last chapter iirc.

Questions and suggestions:
  • So, getting Pan to slowly open up to my Deaman has been so rewarding and as you might’ve noticed I’m more than satisfied with their romance. There’s only one thing that threw me off and it comes just after playing with their hair: Pan confesses their love for my guy, and although my Deaman is ecstatic about it, as a player I think it was a bit out of character for our favorite sage. Of course, you guys know your characters best, but I can’t help thinking Pan felt like they owed Deaman something for having their back, you know? I think Pan wouldn’t talk feelings until like six months to a year into their relationship, since they’re the kind of person that thinks about stuff very carefully and gives every idea the weight it deserves. So it’s a bit odd seeing them rushing about something their partner might feel very strongly about.

  • As always, you guys deliver every time you write action scenes. As someone who isn’t particularly good at those, I admire your skill so much :star_struck: The one thing I will point out is I don’t feel like the player could use MC’s set of abilities as much as in previous chapters. I think there’s one part at the end where we can choose to be dexterous or use our strength, or charm, but before that instance, it’s like we’re using only our diplomacy/intimidation stat, I think? Or maybe those were fake_choices? Not entirely sure what was going on there, but it made me feel disconnected from the action.

    This is another example of what I mean. I chose to destroy the eye because in my playthrough, Deaman didn’t trust it at all and came to the conclusion that that thing would destroy everything no matter who had it. But then he’s asking Aisling to use it without any input from me. It was a bit immersion-breaking.

    Love the scene; it’s cool and full of pizzazz. The only problem I have is what I pointed out before: there isn’t enough player input to make this victory feel mine. I’m also not a fan of MCs knowing more than I do, like in this part, “[…]and in so doing falls for your trap. It was a feint to begin with[…]” I think using our skills at deception would make the fight feel more dynamic here.

    I wanted to punch Balty in the face so bad for this :frowning: Which doesn’t mean that it isn’t one of my favorite scenes of the chapter because I like to suffer :relieved:

  • I also would love to have a tiny scene after we’re sure that Baltasar is done for in which we can choose to check on Pan. Right now it sort of reads like MC forgot about them. I chose to keep fighting not to waste the opportunity they gave us, but I was super ready to run to their side the moment the battle was over.

  • My last and most controversial suggestion is that I think Roise shouldn’t come back from the dead. I’m awful, I know, but hear me out: her sacrifice was perfect and in-character for her; a person who never wanted to be chief to begin with, learning to more or less accept that responsibility, choosing to run to keep her people safe, choosing to die for the wellbeing of the clan. It’s a full circle and I thought it kicked ass, so when she showed up again and told Deaman that somehow she had escaped, my guy wasn’t buying it. I truly thought it was shapeshifter magic or something. Oh! Imagine if it was! And MC had to fight a mage wearing their mom’s face! Delicious. Then again, I tend to lean toward the dramatic.

  • Hm, I also felt a bit robbed of the anger and heartbreak my Deaman was going through :thinking:

Final thoughts on publishing:

When I finished TP, it felt like I had been competing in a marathon for years. I was exhausted and so sick of writing the same characters and the same character interactions for 3 years, that getting to type The End was like catching a glimpse of the goal waiting for me just 100 meters ahead.

And then the beta stage started, and suddenly I had to rewrite stuff that made no sense, tie a bunch of loose ends, get rid of an entire chapter, add what ended up being 60k words worth of epilogue, and add a bunch of choices because the end had very little player input.

Ngl, it was a pain in the ass; I was burnt out and all the stuff I needed to tweak felt never-ending. It was like reaching the “goal”, only to realize it wasn’t the goal, but a traffic light and that the finish line was 200 meters ahead instead.

But then I showed the finished product to my betas and they were super excited and said the new version felt a lot more satisfying than the previous one.

What I mean by this is that exhaustion is normal after working on the same project for years, and I hope you guys are taking care of yourselves and don’t feel like you need to rush.

That’s all I have. Again, super excited to see the conclusion of a WIP that brought me so much joy. Kiku and August, you deserve all the praise for your hard work and enviable writing skills :heart:


See…I really loved Pan’s
admission moment. Because of everything that had happened to you (seriously, work week ever for ANYONE) that it made sense to me that they would make the confession there, especially since they were also so involved in their own emotional dramas, which the MC helped/supported them through (mine did, anyway) so I was pleasantly surprised by that moment. Since they usually do take much longer to think things through, it made it even more special, imo. I mean, they likely thought you were dead during the shipwreck, they kind.of had to watch you having to deal with losing both parents, your home and clan were burning after coming back from helping them out (and you never mention it/do anything to make them feel bad about it) …i think the fact that they had slowly been opening up to you at all, lead up beautifully to that moment. It made their relationship with the MC seem even more special because they arent the kind of person to just admit it so quickly.

Also respectfully disagree about mama’s
return from the dead. It was a huge surprise and triumphant moment. It felt necessary to me, since everyone is trying to get the Eye (because it’s crazy powerful, or whatever) yet we have it and are nearly beaten anyway. It just didn’t seem half as powerful or helpful as everyone was worried about. Unless i have completely misunderstood what happened? (Always a possibility) ANYWAY, with everything else that had happened, and the Eye not being as cool as we thought…I was totally ok with getting the win of Mom being alive. It felt deserved to me…does that make sense?
That felt more like a victory to me than most of our other missons.

I’ve been following this one since it was only a few chapters long, and it’s really cool to have seen it grow and hear other die hard fan’s opinions/theories. You are so well versed in the story, its always a treat to hear your take. :heart: really looking forward to the epilogue!!! I always do a Sang romance after Pan (my love for them is very similar to my love for your Roach and Johnny, actually) and the last time you see Sang is mid battle then the story ended and it broke my heart hahahaha.
Had to come back and make sure there was an epilogue coming. (Which is why I’m here…hellooooo!)

Anyway, @pimenita it’s always cool to get a peak into your brain. :smiley: Cheers!


This fills me with joy, Jen :relieved:


Thanks so much to both of you. I really do appreciate the thoughts, and Pime, we’ll work on what seems out of character there, because I think you have a good point about the Eye use and so on. Honestly, I think our edit stage is going to be extensive, because there are definitely parts of this game I haven’t laid eyes on in actual years, and we’ll need to make it hang together properly, heh.

Though, Jen, Sang should definitely be showing up at least briefly after the battle is over, so I’ll have to make sure that’s not actually a bug haha.

But for now, we’ll keep going on the epilogue. :slight_smile:


Up to the beginning of Ch7.

an; “The best piece”

“upon it built”

“Shutting the book” is sufficient.


“willing to offer”

There should be a page break here.

“closing the book”


There should be a page break when returning to the “hub menu,” based on your own precedent.

Replace one with a synonym? Maybe “assemble” them into a pile for someone to collect?


I get this error at the beginning of the new chapter if i choose not to negotiate

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Chapter 11 and the preceding interlude don’t really compensate for if you lied about having the eye and succeeded


@AletheiaKnights Thank you as always.
@Madman1 Cheers; that should now be fixed. Not sure why testing didn’t catch it, but sometimes that happens.
@Sujan_Dhakal The feedback’s appreciated. We’ll take a look at that when we hit the editing phase and see if there’s anything we can adjust to make it feel more like it meant something. :slight_smile:


Just out of curiosity, do you have an approximate word count for this game? I’ve been pleasantly surprised how massive it is.

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Presently it’s at just over 914,000 words. We won’t be reaching a million with just the epilogue to go, but we’re pretty close. :slight_smile:


Nearly a million words? No wonder it’s such an epic experience!


to; the highlighted paragraph seems to have appeared due to a coding error, as an alternative version of the paragraph immediately preceding it

I think “a little pale” would work better here, since Cormac isn’t usually pale at all.



I’ve stuck to typos rather than getting into content because I known the game is almost finished, but I couldn’t resist pointing out what was for me the obvious reason to use Cormac’s blood: I’m more injured than he is.





“Eye” should be capitalized; sound

“closes her book”

others; ends


“dark clouds”

take; why “hotness” rather than “heat”?


Through the beginning of Ch10.






Missing quotation marks


stanching; breaths


“this is the wrong thing”

“You don’t pass by Iomhar or any of his crew during the daylight hours” sounds more natural.

“for her partner”



Hello, does this game have romance?

Yes, there are five characters you can romance.




Romances in a nutshell.
Aisling: Oppaiish Waifu
Cormac: Barbarian Hunk
Izzy: Roguish Waifu
Sang: Wholesome Hunk
Pan: Femboy.

Am I wrong?


Well Pan is definitely not a boy, so… yes on that one. :slight_smile:

Also not really sure if I’m reading the slang right on Aisling so I can’t comment on that. But I guess other than that, it’s all a matter of opinion!


How to get past the leviathan? I keep dying