Thanks again, I’ll find a topic to reply to 
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Personally, I was a little sad because there was literally zero interation with Sol from the Hayden arc start forward and Sol was my RO. (Would be nice to have a small scene between the larger engagements I suppose?) But I really like the time going into characterizing the characters! I personally think getting to choose which of the events to do (in assisting/developing your powers) with small scenes in between would be nice.
To clarify what I mean, I think it would be nice to have a choice menu where you decide what order you want to complete the various trips in. Also, do you want help finding all of the he/she flips on Sol? The biggest problem I noticed was that when correctly gendered, you didn’t use ! in front of the variable so that the pronoun would be capitalized at the start of sentences. (Example below)
“$!{shehe} is going to the store and wondering if you want to come with.”
This would display as “He is going to the store and wondering if you want to come with.” So it’s important to add the !'s so they capitalize.
I can go through and start quoting the various sections I found, but I found quite a few so it might take a while. (Thanks for making their presentation selectable! I think Sol is a really interesting character, but I am not interested in romancing gorls and the she/her pronouns even though they are agender would bug me.) I also think that sometimes the platonic / friendship choices aren’t really clear? A lot of the time I feel like none of the choices fit.
For example: I’m not allowed to be interested and want to protect Hayden unless I am romantically interested in her? The thought for me is pretty unappealing, I was playing an MC where interfering would have fit, but I didn’t want the romantic implications involved with those choices. Particularly because I don’t really understand exactly what the implications of the romance stat is? Is it above a threshold that it might cause problems?
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This is going to be quite a long IF so I kind of want to use full chapters to explore both the characters, the world they come from and how they are what they are. Like companion quests? Something similar to that.
I thought that ${Heshe} did the same as $!{heshe} but I’ll use the latter from now on.
I am going to go through it all again. I’d appreciate the effort regardless but there are probably going to be quite a few issues.
Yeah, I get that. I can definitely put some friendship focus for the characters no problem.
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“I feel like these are one of those things where I don’t really have a choice.” Should be “this is” rather.
I’m on a “dragon scales ailment” playthrough here, but in the scene where I get ambushed by vampires the scales should have manifested, yes?
“I try to manifest a weapon to fight back but I am overpowered, my arms pinned to the ground and feeling something being slammed into my stomach - I let out a silent scream still trying to worm myself out from what is over me.”
I mean obviously the protective scales wouldn’t let us wrestle our way to freedom with a vampire on top of us, but it should have allowed us to be less pained by the blow to the stomach, yes?
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Oversight on my end, will change it
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I myself only learned it was a thing after I started writing my own, it’s a completely understandable thing to miss. the ! capitalizes the first letter though, so you only need to make use of it at the start of sentences. I’ll start going through, but I hope I have been able to help out thus far. (I’ll do another romantic route with Sol cuz I am a Eldritch loving goblin!)
Suggestion: Picking your brain is a phrase used over half a dozen times to my recollection. It can get kind of grating to hear it over and over, might be worth swapping a few of them out for an alternative phrase or two to avoid repetition. I also find it a touch strange that you can have 6 friendship points with Hayden at the end of the first interactions, and only really 1 with Zhu.
Chapters 1 & 2
Chapters 1 & 2 Edits:
The MC waiting for the party to decide if they accept them or what?
Making myself comfortable on the boxes she was sitting on, I peek through the flaps to see if there is anything interesting in the books. I pull out one book to see that it has a hardcover, flipping it over I furrow my brow realizing that all of the pages are blank.
When you are given the option to see Sol (first party interaction options.)
I don’t know how clearly I have to say it, “I can’t ignore you after you pulled me all the way here,” she nods as I then repeat myself, “But I came for you, there isn’t any other reason.”
“What are you doing?” - Choice (Needs $!{var} for proper capitalization.)
he then looks at me, “Unless you want it to explode.”
“The Beyond, what exactly is it?” - Choice (At the bottom of the page. Same thing, $!{var} instead of ${var} for pronouns at start of a sentence.)
he stays silent.
“I want to learn more about you.” - Choice (Shaking his head is repeated twice)
Shaking his head, “To what end?” he shakes his head as he returns back to what he was busy with.
Hayden’s Dialogue Tree - “You don’t get along with Sol, do you?” - Choice (Capitalization)
“he is helping-“
“It is helping because it has no other choice - if it had its power it wouldn’t be here. We’d probably already lost.”
Eris’s Dialogue Tree - “What do you think of Sol?” - Choice (Capitalization)
“It is hard to say, really,” lifting her hand to scratch the back of her neck, “I don’t trust Sol but I know without him we would be in a worse situation. he doesn’t blame us because he realizes that something like him shouldn’t be trusted.”
Suggestion: Tarragon’s Dialogue Tree - There should be an option for you not to try to pry into his past after he makes it clear that it is painful for him. The current options are either romantically or platonically pestering him about it. Considering he isn’t comfortable, a friendly dialogue option to respect his privacy for a relationship point would be fitting IMO.
Chapter 3
Chapter 3 Edits:
Sol’s Dialogue Tree (Capitalization & Pronoun)
Staying in place my gaze is locked onto Sol who is staring intensely. he looks at me through the corner of her eye before returning it back to the Heart.
Same Page (Pronoun)
Sol lifts her hands, touching the Heart as he shuts his eyes.
Same Path - (Romance) “Admit that you like having me around.” (Punctuation suggestion - The entire paragraph is a single sentence. I would recommend splitting into 2-3 smaller sentences by just swapping commas for periods and swapping the ${var} for $!{var} where necessary.)
“Hardly,” he counters coldly, “Your presence is naught but a growing nuisance but it appears no matter how hard I try to let you understand that fact, I still can’t shake you,” he pulls away from the Heart, watching me over his shoulder, “Why is that?”
After saving Ensley - “Sol said that you were linked to me, I thought I could do something to interrupt it.” (Pronoun)
Zhurumhan then states, “I have a feeling he is in here somewhere but he might be after something else entirely - we can’t ignore the fact that she is Eldritch and their nature is all but unknown to us.”
After Sol returns to the party while they are in the beyond (Capitalization and Pronouns)
he then transfers his gaze to me, “You claimed to have an interest for me, this is who I truly am. I imagine it isn’t disappointing at all.”
I only nod, “It is nothing I expected to see, but I am glad to see you regardless.”
She stays quiet for a moment, before returning the gesture, “As am I. Though you should be careful - your mind is barely holding on to the connection. If you can’t hold on any longer call my name and I will save you from that dire fate.”
Next Page (Pronoun)
She nods, “What happens inside the mass of flesh, do not interfere with me or I will be forced to kill you - I alone can ensure that after we killed it, it stays dead.”
Page closely following Ensley Choice - “I appreciate the gesture.” or “I didn’t do it for you.” (Pronoun)
She grows back in size to match Eris’ height and to lead the front easier. Sol lifts himself with his wings only to crash down far ahead of us, flaming liquid splashing around at the impact as he slaughters them with a single swing.
Same Page (Pronoun)
The Werewolves follow Sol’s lead leaping in behind her. The Nephilim however all stay behind gradually moving up as they bombard the area with spears of light that implode the moment they touch anything.
Chapter 4
Chapter 4 Edits:
Zhu’s Perspective (Pronouns)
“I have a suspicion but one that I wish to share with the rest present,” she lifts herself and instantly leaves to head towards the heart.
Eris stops Tarragon, “She has a point, we need to find a solution for all our sakes. Sol is still our best bet-“
Sol scoffs, “And suddenly after realizing how grave of a threat you are facing, you would consider me an ally and rather have me stay put?”
Sols Prrspective - Mc pronoun
Dropping one blade that evaporated immediately I shoot a wave of flame in one direction. I glance backward to see that something has happened. I can’t sense her anymore, meaning that she was recently killed.
Mc pronoun
I place my hand against her forehead, creating a direct connection between my soul and his. The connection is allowed but… something is keeping me out… like a wall of shadows severing the connection.
Mc pronoun, same page as prior
I suppose there must be a reason for it, does your interest align with mine? A means to an end? Or are you attracted to him due to an undiscovered nature? Does that mean she is already tainted? Something from the Dark? A human with an Eldritch soul?
Mc pronouns, as Sol ponders if MC is Eldritch.
Tell them that she might be corrupted, being held by something against his will is his best bet - if he is being controlled I can easily sever that link by controlling him myself… that is if I can even use my own influence.
Capitalization of MCs pronouns
he might have been strong-willed… there are some things beyond you, beyond me.
“Does your will really amount to that of a God?” I counter tilting my head, “he might turn to be a pawn for some Eldritch or will be infected by their corruption and might slowly turn into something like those abominations. Or nothing will happen.”
I’m bored now, if the noticeably falling apart notes aren’t making that clear lol. I might revisit and do the rest of the chapters if this helped you though.
5 Likes
Hi, I found a couple code bugs in the chapter 8 files. Also, I found some grammar errors and while I’m not completely sure this is feedback you want I also found some text which either reads oddly or unclearly and gave some suggestions on how it could be improved.
Grammar and Writing
choicescript_stats Doc
Line 84 | “and the second it the” | Should be: “and the second is the”
Line 94 | “A murderous and aggressive vampire that slaughtered the original family that claimed the Mortis title.” | Would sound better as: “An aggressive and murderous vampire who slaughtered the original family that claimed the Mortis title”
Line 162 | “Teaching the magic and also keeping an eye on the human realm for his hateful father.” | should be "Teaching them magic and also keeping an eye on the human realm for his hateful father.
Line 185 | “Want to break the chains of both heaven and hell that bind them - sealing their true potential.” | Would read better as: “Wants to break the chains of both heaven and hell that bind them - sealing away their true potential.”
chapter4 Doc
Eris Pov
Line 578 | “Yanking their arms off with incredible force, they are still fighting. Killing as many of them in the process.” | Would read clearer as: “Yanking their arms off with incredible force, they are still fighting. Killing as many of them as they can in the process.” | or “Yanking their arms off with incredible force, they are still fighting. Killing as many of them in the process.”
Line 594 | " Shaking my head the headache slowly disappears - I lift my gaze to see that we only lost two of our werewolves." | Should be: " Shaking my head the headache slowly disappears - I lift my gaze to see that we only lost two of our werewolves." | or " Shaking my head the headache slowly disappears - I lift my gaze to see that only two werewolves were lost."
Line 608 | “The Nephilim have similar casualties to us but - I glance at the Fae only to breathe a breath of relief knowing that they all survived.” | Should be: “The Nephilim have similar casualties to us but - I glance at the Fae only to breathe a breath of relief seeing that they all survived.”
Line 618 | “I transfer my gaze to Sol who is next to ${hisher} body, I lower myself across from ${solhimher} as I observe the wound. A gaping hole in ${hisher} stomach, half of the organs were destroyed in the process.” | If both Sol and mc are the same gender it is a little unclear who Eris is lowering herself across from, I would suggest replacing ${solhimher} with just Sol.
Hayden Pov
Line 94 | “The Werewolves are tough but it looks like they only lost two of their members.” | Should be: “The Werewolves are tough but it looks like they only lost two of their members.” | or “The Werewolves are tough, but it looks like they only lost two of their members.”
Lines 147 and 177 | “Watching her mend the wound and clean the blood with her magic before I turn to meet Sol who is standing near the Heart. It heals almost just like ours, regeneration magic does that but it can’t bring you back to life. You can see the organs start filling the empty space before the muscle creeps over like a blanket and is finally covered by skin.” | This whole paragraph doesn’t read clearly so something like “Watching her mend the wound and clean the blood with her magic, you can see the organs start filling the empty space before the muscle creeps over like a blanket and is finally covered by skin. The wound heals almost just like ours, regeneration magic does that but it can’t bring you back to life. I turn to meet Sol who is standing near the Heart.” would work better but I do not know if reordered it conveys what you wanted. | Also, in “The wound heals almost just like ours” it isn’t clear who ours refers to. By context I can infer it’s meant to mean the wound heals like the vampires do but just reading the paragraph that isn’t clear and not all readers may make the same inference I do. So it is worth clarifying.
Line 240 | "“What? Why?” Eris furrows her brow, “I understand that you told us ${hisher} will is stronger than ours but something can still take hold of ${himher}?” | Should be: "“What? Why?” Eris furrows her brow, “I don’t understand**,** that you told us ${hisher} will is stronger than ours but something can still take hold of ${himher}?” | or "“What? Why?” Eris furrows her brow, “I understand that You told us ${hisher} will is stronger than ours but something can still take hold of ${himher}?”
Line 250 | "“The Heart is destroyed and unless I can find a new suitable candidate or if ${heshe} doesn’t resurrect - I will go that world to kill them myself.” | That reads oddly to me it would sound better like this: "“The Heart is destroyed, if ${heshe} doesn’t resurrect and I can’t find a new suitable candidate - I will go that world to kill them myself.”
Line 276 | "I shake my head as then look back at Ensley hovering over ${hisher} corpse,” | Would read better as: "I shake my head as and then look back at Ensley hovering over ${hisher} corpse,” | or “I shake my head as then I look back at Ensley hovering over ${hisher} corpse,”
Line 441 | “You need to become stronger and what better way to learn from the best.” | Should be: “You need to become stronger and what better way to learn than from the best.”
Line 445 | “Shooting the blood towards him, it travels through his body and through his mouth ears, and eyes. The body twitches violently before standing there, like a corpse.” | Should be: “Shooting the blood towards him, it travels through into his body and through his eyes, ears, and mouth. The body twitches violently before standing there, like a corpse.”
Line 461 | “What do you think? Think I could have killed him and claimed the title myself?” I then twist my lips to the side as it starts violently shaking its head.” | should be “What do you think? Think I could have killed him and claimed the title myself?” I say, then twist my lips to the side as it starts violently shaking its head.” | or “What do you think? Think I could have killed him and claimed the title myself?” I then twist my lips to the side as it starts violently shaking its head."
Line 475 | "I feel a malicious grin spread across my face, “A Van Helsing? The only family to ever be cursed into being both a Vampire and a Werewolf.” | It seems odd Hayden would exposit out loud, it would read better as: “I feel a malicious grin spread across my face, “A Van Helsing?” The only family to ever be cursed into being both a Vampire and a Werewolf.” that way the reader gets the info but Hayden isn’t just explaining info she knows out loud to herself.
Line 481 | "The smirk fades into an expression of hate, “A ten-year-old? I hoped to see you again, you know, hope to make you suffer just as much as you made him suffer. You vile bitch!” | Should be: "The smirk fades into an expression of hate, “A ten-year-old? I hoped to see you again, you know, hope hoped to make you suffer just as much as you made him suffer. You vile bitch!”
Line 494 | “It leaps forward, I use the ball of blood and flesh from the other room to shoot a tendril.” | Should be: “It She leaps forward, I use the ball of blood and flesh from the other room to shoot a tendril.”
Line 496 | ““Oof,” the wind out of my system, she rips her arm free, towering over me I shut my eyes as I wince.” | Should be: ““Oof,” the wind knocked out of my system, she rips her arm free, towering over me I shut my eyes as I wince.”
Line 504 | “I climb out of the crater in the wall, not waiting to catch my breath I push myself forward - sliding under one attack as claw into the wound in her arm. Grabbing a mouth full of blood I kick-off of her as I swallow the mouthful.” | Is Hayden meant to be using her hand to grab blood out of the wound? If so this would read clearer: "I climb out of the crater in the wall, not waiting to catch my breath I push myself forward - sliding under one attack as I claw into the wound in her arm. Grabbing a mouth full handful of blood I kick-off of her as I swallow the mouthful blood.
Line 532 | “I hope it hurts, bitch. This one is for family I lost.” | Should be: “I hope it hurts, bitch. This one is for the family I lost.”
MC Pov
Line 2095 | “'No. It doesn’t,” I hold my stare as it only smiles back at me.” | The comma and period need to be swap like so: "'No, It doesn’t.” I hold my stare as it only smiles back at me.
Line 2232 | "“Hmm. Then seeing as you aren’t taking it seriously at all. Does this sound familiar?” | Should be: "“Hmm, Then seeing as you aren’t taking it this seriously at all. Does this sound familiar?”
Line 2253 | "Sol will realize it before anyone else can and my advice is to confide in ${solhimher}, that way you can cultivate this ability to become stronger.” | Would read better as: “Sol will realize it before anyone else can and my advice is to confide in ${solhimher}, that way you can cultivate your abilities and become stronger.”
Code Bugs
chapter8 Doc
Line 342 | Missing Rin gender code | ““I see.” Resting ${rinhisher} hands on ${hisher} waist, I notice the mask is still fixed to the same place. “May I ask you something?”” | Should be: ““I see.” Resting ${rinhisher} hands on ${rinhisher} waist, I notice the mask is still fixed to the same place. “May I ask you something?””
Line 485 | Missing Rin gender code | ““Eldrich helping Eldritch? This is new to me.” she watches me with piqued interest.” | Should be: ““Eldritch helping Eldritch? This is new to me.” ${rinheshe} watches me with piqued interest.”
3 Likes
I don’t want to sound harsh, but I cannot emphasize enough how hard and painful it is to read just the synopsis. Before you do any significant work, I really must recommend doing more research on stylistics and practising writing. A lot of the stylistic choices and sentence structures just in the synopsis make it incredibly hard to read. For example just:
That sentence would sound much better if you were to say: “But what of that which lies beyond the fabric of the reality itself?”
As someone who read a lot of literature in his life, I can assure you a proper stylistic structure is paramount to a good story.
Thanks for the effort will take a look at all of them
Thanks^^ Will take a look at all of them
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I suppose it can be a little bit hard to read but I think that is a tad of an exaggeration. I mean it does make that specific sentence better to read.
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Ooo, if I get to make any special requests in return for my efforts. I second the notion of having a dramatic revelation from Dracula that the person they fucked with was actually an Eldritch later in the story. I can just imagine the swath of emotions that would run through him evil cackling
I honestly to do a version where the MC is very detached from humanity even before they learn of their origins, like they have always known something was off but couldn’t place it. I think then they find comfort in Sol because for once they felt normal, no commenting about the chill of their skin, it is no colder than the Beyond after all. I think it’s why I like Sol romance so much; they can find kinship with each other in a way they cannot with others. I mean, they do canonically avoid people though I suppose, since they don’t want to hurt them.
In Response:
evil cackling intensifies
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I am definitely going to have Dracula have a little one-on-one with you about it. Might have it turn out a specific way but should expect something like that to happen somewhere near the future.
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A quick update on my plan of action right now working up to the next update. ( I don’t have an estimate for you.)
I am going to scrub the IF to polish out the errors and grammar issues that are there. Thanks for pointing most of them out I have a general idea of the rules I am breaking. Stat Page will get its overhaul and I hope that I can release it alongside the next chapter featuring Sol. Going to work around some of the choices and see if there is more to be added or not.
I don’t expect any major chapter changes because I am pretty satisfied with what there is.
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Can someone tell me what each ailment does.I know that cold make someone feel dread but what about the others?
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Here you go…
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thnxx
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Added to the post. Thanks and Sorry.
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don’t be, I’m cursed with psychic poweh! 
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I am such a procrastinator it is insane though…
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