check now
Works now ,thanks
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Any suggestions or ideas for the future regarding the storyline?
List of typo:
- de escalte in trying to talk to robber.
- tremoundous when start reminiscing.
- atleast when reminiscing Sara.
- didn’t’nt still in the same page.
- betrer still in the same page.
- sliiping still in the same page.
- containment probably contentment.
- int world when MC goes to sleep.
- inHis when meeting River.
- several i is not written in capital.
- I picked River as Male but often referred as She.
I’d rather leave how the story goes to the author, as a reader I’ll just suggest something if I feel it’s necessary, as for now I wanted to see where this goes first before suggesting anything.
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Thanks for pointing them out. BTW when you chose River as male was all their pronouns she/her or only some?.
Only some that I notice is after the robbery.
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I’ll get to work on it. How do you find the plot so far?
I find the pacing good there is plenty of choice and the story is entertaining so far.
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Thank you. I’ll try me best to get it better.
This is a good start, still not long enough yet to make much meaningful commentary regarding the plot or characters, but for the writing I would suggest you add some more description to the characters.
To be clear, I think they are characterized very well, a lot of detail on their mannerisms, eye crinkles, facial expressions etc. I have a good idea of what they’re like and how they act, I just have no idea what they actually look like other than brooks is black and middle aged, Sara has an athletic body. I’d like a little more detail, hair style and color, eye color, height, general age… at least the basics for ROs/major NPCs.
In contrast, the dream/vision sequence has 4 (lengthy) pages describing walking through the monastery. This felt like too much. I’m sure you’ll find the right balance as the story progresses, but that was my initial observation.
The MC is interesting and I’m curious how the plot will continue.
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Thank you. I’ll keep that in mind.
Writing the story, I came to appreciate how talented some writers are who portray Romance so well with just words.
Quote of the day - “Words may be false and full of art; Sighs are the natural language of the heart.” by Thomas Shadwell.
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Been reading a lot of Catwoman comics to get some ideas for a Certain RO.
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Quote of the day - “Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them.” by Marcus Aurelius
(F.Y.I, All the quotes that’ll post each day are hints about the plotline and characters)
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Quote of the Day ;
“Sometimes a pinch of sadism is the ingredient that makes victory taste that little bit sweeter.” by Andrea Pirlo
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What’s here story-wise is good, although I do kinda agree with MadAdam in saying that the temple scene could use some fixing with the pacing. The scene was long, and while it wasn’t bad by any means, it did feel like it dragged out quite a bit compared to other scenes in the game which felt much shorter and rushed in comparison. I feel like that’s why the temple scene stands out as much as it does, because it deviates from every other scene in the game. If more scenes had that attention to detail, then it wouldn’t feel so jarring to run into a scene that long and that detailed. It’s important to stick to some consistency in terms of scenes, otherwise you risk having a particular scene stand out in a negative light even if on its own merits the scene was good.
As for other feedback besides from the temple scene, the story could definitely do with some more attention to grammar, capitalization in particular stands out since a lot of words that shouldn’t be written with a capital letter is, while some words that should have a capital letter doesn’t have it. It’s jarring when a word in the middle of a sentence is suddenly Written with a capital letter, sometimes even multiple words too. Small things like that makes a big difference in the quality of a game, something most people generally don’t think about unless they’re suddenly playing a WiP that suffers from those mistakes. I’m sure multiple writing programs have a function to have English auto-correct enabled if that’s something you need assistance with, or in cases like Google Docs where it at least underlines the mistakes and gives suggestions to fix any potential issue that crops up doing writing. It might be worth using something like that when doing the writing itself.
As others have already mentioned so far, is that a lack of choices do seem to be an issue, which as far as I understand is due to your budding skills in coding. Not giving a lot of choices to avoid branching and undue stress as a new developer is fine, but if you want to limit branching by giving less choices, then it’s important to make those choices you do give the players hold more meaning and have a bigger impact. Some of the choices so far doesn’t feel all that distinct from the other options when you need to select them, and writing them that way undermines the players sense of agency in the story, and makes them feel like whichever choice they make won’t really make a difference. It’s an important pitfall to avoid. Maybe write a little more detail in the choices themselves, so it’s more clear how the choices differentiate from each other. Because even if there’s indeed a difference in the story based on those choices, it can be hard to tell as a player making their decision since a lot of the options sound so similar on paper.
That’s really all I have to say for now, since the story hasn’t moved a ton just yet. I hope the feedback is useful, and can help you improve the already good piece of work you have here as it is.
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Thank you so much for such Insightful review. English is my 3rd tongue so It’s a little difficult to keep track of. I do think that I went a little too deep in the temple description and all but I’ve been trying to make my writing a little better so I’ll make sure the futures scene are gonna be well balanced. Now the number of choices are on the lower side and I’ll keep that in mind to branch out more in the next update.
I did find some choices not being so different a few days ago so I’m trying to write variations in them without branching too much but still should be enough for player satisfaction. I always intended to write the story as a Novel but Interactive Fiction makes it possible to explore more possibilities. I already have a set plotline but I am careful to write it in a way that how Azrael reacts to the events unfolding before them is upto the player’s choice.
Quote of the day - “How can two people hate so much without knowing each other?” by Alan Moore
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hold on let me give one too ‘‘the younger the soul the tighter the hole’’ by some random guy in a manhwa comment section
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