[WIP] Vessel Zero [psycological horror / superhero / urban fantasy)

I’m biased. I love the trope of being an unwitting vessel of some weird eldritch horror thing, trying to understand what’s going on and regain control… and maybe or maybe not losing yourself in the process.

The fact that this is merged with the superhero genre is interesting. Not a fusion I see very often.

Ultimately, it’s your passion projects, so work on whatever you like writing! :slight_smile: Definitely interested in where this is going. Some small typos:

Wrong pronoun

You freeze when you feel a hand on your shoulder. Thinking of the thugs you startle and wheel around to look at your assailant.

You see a middle age man, with concern all over his eyes. “You ok sir?”

Picked my gender as female but I get called “sir” here.

Period in the middle of a sentence

You jab the lift button, throwing yourself in. willing the doors to shut before anyone comes in. before being whisked vertically to the 4th floor.

Incorrect capitalization

Oh no ive either teleported or used super speed to save a girl from being crushed under a bus then fought off two gangster thugs with baseball bats and a knife…Boy what a crazy day.

This isn’t a typo, but rather it felt very odd to see this switch in narration from second person to the use of first person.

Summary

I mean… c’mon! You chuckle to yourself. All of that stuff would be crazy enough for a dream. Nothing like that has ever been known to happen. And if it did, there’s no way it would be you it happened to.

Back to typos:

Extra period

NEWSFLASH: MIRACLE ON 5TH STREET

Your entire insides tense up.

Wait.

The coffee shop that you went to was on 5th street right?

Slowly., you force yourself to look around at the TV.

Couple of inconsistencies here in the TV report / interview:

Summary

There is a reporter right in front of that very same coffee shop. A bus at her side. The same bus you dreamed about. Police and ambulances dotted around.

Wait.

This can’t be right can it. What’s going on here?

You sit up properly to see it better.

Yep, 100% that’s the coffee shop and the bus. And more than that, the dad and the girl are right beside the on-screen reporter.

“I am here with the miracle girl herself, Lilly, and her dad, Elias.” The reporter looks over to them, “please can you tell me what happened in your own words?”

The little girl, Lilly pipes up immediately, her face glowing with excitement, “I was saved by the flash!!! He came out of nowhere and saved me from the big bad bus!”

The reporter allows for a small grin as he looks fondly at the girl. Clearly he doesn’t believe that anything of the sort happened, even if that’s what everyone has been saying. He knows people are prone to massive over exaggeration and flights of fancy, that’s why witnesses are notoriously unreliable.

He turns to the girl’s dad, Elias. Maybe hoping for a less outlandish feedback.

“Elias,” he asks.

It swaps the reporter’s pronouns from “she” and later refers to the reporter as “he”. Flash isn’t capitalized (and that may run afoul with DC Comics copyright at some point). Extra exclamation points in the girl’s dialogue here. Probably just personal taste here, but I’m not a fan of extra punctuation marks for emphasis as it can look a bit unprofessional. The “p” in “please” is not capitalized.

Swapping POV’s

The reporter’s eyebrows shoot higher and higher as his story goes. He knows he is a reliable witness, as much as those things exist, he works with Elias.

While many people would be getting carried away, he knows he wouldn’t. Which means there is at the very least a ring of truth to what he is saying.

Was a bit unexpected to get into the reporter’s mindset and learn about Elias.

Another pronoun mistake

“He is not a danger, he is a child! And he is my patient and will not be harmed! He’s just scared, he needs settling, please just give me a chance to calm him?”

Playing female, not male.

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Super cool concept, definitely interested in how this turns out.

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Firstly, thanks so much for the detailed feedback and pointing those out for me I’ll get those sorted :blush:

As for the choice between them both, you’re right but I want people to enjoy something I’ve spent a lot of time on :blush: and it’s tricky because I think this book is naturally more interesting and more exciting than the football one and probably appeals to more people (at least more people into IF), but the other is different and I know the romances are going to be incredible :joy::joy:

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