[WIP] Vessel Zero [psycological horror / superhero / urban fantasy)

I’m biased. I love the trope of being an unwitting vessel of some weird eldritch horror thing, trying to understand what’s going on and regain control… and maybe or maybe not losing yourself in the process.

The fact that this is merged with the superhero genre is interesting. Not a fusion I see very often.

Ultimately, it’s your passion projects, so work on whatever you like writing! :slight_smile: Definitely interested in where this is going. Some small typos:

Wrong pronoun

You freeze when you feel a hand on your shoulder. Thinking of the thugs you startle and wheel around to look at your assailant.

You see a middle age man, with concern all over his eyes. “You ok sir?”

Picked my gender as female but I get called “sir” here.

Period in the middle of a sentence

You jab the lift button, throwing yourself in. willing the doors to shut before anyone comes in. before being whisked vertically to the 4th floor.

Incorrect capitalization

Oh no ive either teleported or used super speed to save a girl from being crushed under a bus then fought off two gangster thugs with baseball bats and a knife…Boy what a crazy day.

This isn’t a typo, but rather it felt very odd to see this switch in narration from second person to the use of first person.

Summary

I mean… c’mon! You chuckle to yourself. All of that stuff would be crazy enough for a dream. Nothing like that has ever been known to happen. And if it did, there’s no way it would be you it happened to.

Back to typos:

Extra period

NEWSFLASH: MIRACLE ON 5TH STREET

Your entire insides tense up.

Wait.

The coffee shop that you went to was on 5th street right?

Slowly., you force yourself to look around at the TV.

Couple of inconsistencies here in the TV report / interview:

Summary

There is a reporter right in front of that very same coffee shop. A bus at her side. The same bus you dreamed about. Police and ambulances dotted around.

Wait.

This can’t be right can it. What’s going on here?

You sit up properly to see it better.

Yep, 100% that’s the coffee shop and the bus. And more than that, the dad and the girl are right beside the on-screen reporter.

“I am here with the miracle girl herself, Lilly, and her dad, Elias.” The reporter looks over to them, “please can you tell me what happened in your own words?”

The little girl, Lilly pipes up immediately, her face glowing with excitement, “I was saved by the flash!!! He came out of nowhere and saved me from the big bad bus!”

The reporter allows for a small grin as he looks fondly at the girl. Clearly he doesn’t believe that anything of the sort happened, even if that’s what everyone has been saying. He knows people are prone to massive over exaggeration and flights of fancy, that’s why witnesses are notoriously unreliable.

He turns to the girl’s dad, Elias. Maybe hoping for a less outlandish feedback.

“Elias,” he asks.

It swaps the reporter’s pronouns from “she” and later refers to the reporter as “he”. Flash isn’t capitalized (and that may run afoul with DC Comics copyright at some point). Extra exclamation points in the girl’s dialogue here. Probably just personal taste here, but I’m not a fan of extra punctuation marks for emphasis as it can look a bit unprofessional. The “p” in “please” is not capitalized.

Swapping POV’s

The reporter’s eyebrows shoot higher and higher as his story goes. He knows he is a reliable witness, as much as those things exist, he works with Elias.

While many people would be getting carried away, he knows he wouldn’t. Which means there is at the very least a ring of truth to what he is saying.

Was a bit unexpected to get into the reporter’s mindset and learn about Elias.

Another pronoun mistake

“He is not a danger, he is a child! And he is my patient and will not be harmed! He’s just scared, he needs settling, please just give me a chance to calm him?”

Playing female, not male.

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Super cool concept, definitely interested in how this turns out.

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Firstly, thanks so much for the detailed feedback and pointing those out for me I’ll get those sorted :blush:

As for the choice between them both, you’re right but I want people to enjoy something I’ve spent a lot of time on :blush: and it’s tricky because I think this book is naturally more interesting and more exciting than the football one and probably appeals to more people (at least more people into IF), but the other is different and I know the romances are going to be incredible :joy::joy:

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Is it possible to speak to this creature inside you? because I have a few questions

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There will come a time you can yes. Once you fully understand what it is.

More fun I think is that you will be able to make decisions as this creature also when it takes over you for however long. They will be… fun choices with… fun outcomes!

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When MC rescued the girl, didn’t anyone manage to take a photo or video of them? If so, it’s only a matter of time before they’re found and recognized.

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Yes, I’m just writing the bit in chapter 2 where the MC is going to find footage everywhere of them etc, but nothing will be clear, like all the cameras just happened to be blurry right there. But only on the face.

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I have to ask can can we befriend what trapped within us or negotiate with it the usual trope of the vessel and the Prisoner teaming up

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You will be able to yes. One of the planned endings is fully binding with the creature so you’ll grow to understand it better as you go. My thinking is that the creature isn’t necessarily evil, it just doesn’t understand the value of life, or that these squishy fleshy things matter, but you can teach it these things down the line.

You also learn that it’s protected you over the years. Or at least protected it’s vessel, without you it can’t exist either. Which leads to another ending where certain people try to force it outside of you.

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Our resident overstayed it’s welcome in that ending and got evicted. Probably some bad ending depending on who those people are. Everything it probably knows is from watching even in its dormant state. I wouldn’t blame it going crazy in there finding itself bound to some weak snot nosed child. Maybe they can bond from this forced situation none of them wanted

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Can customize our eldritch form? Im tryna have 4 tail tentacles.

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Good question, haven’t thought about that actually but yeah I think it would be cool! I’ll work that in!

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Tokyo ghual came to mind mainly kanaki’s power. Does the eldritch have different powers?

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I can see that!

There is similarities in powers. My plan though is that this creature or being cancelled do absolutely anything, it has complete control over every atom if it so chooses. However it’s from another universe, so it doesn’t understand physics in this dimension, hence it’s taken 24 years for it to develop some level of power to start to exert control, so as you use it’s powers it learns more and gets stronger. (This is also why they were able to trap it in you when you were young, as it only just came into this universe so was super vulnerable).

You will choose essentially what powers you want to use going forward which makes those stronger.

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Was it Forced into this universe or it came by itself

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You can focus on this nore

So are the main 3 powers you name the staple and we choose 1 or 2 more or their just ex?

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Not 100% on that yet. My current thinking is that at some point, maybe the finale of this book, but I think it would fit better as a second, we meet another creature, that tears a hole in the universe to come through, properly scary, that our creature was fighting and got thrown into our universe by this other thing.

Less these powers more power sets. Focusing on physical abilities (super strength, speed etc), or mental abilities (mind control, telepathy etc), or otherworldly powers (matter manipulation, time control etc).

I’m thinking these three types are always available, but the more you focus on one the stronger it will be.

An overall catch is, you want to maintain control, but the creature is significantly stronger when unleashed, at least until you bond, so there may be situations where you choose to let it take over, leaving you with no idea or control of what happens next. A kind of leap of faith.

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Super cool concept and love what’s there so far. I don’t see many games with gore as a trigger warning and I’m excited to see some characters torn apart lol. I love me some gore mixed with superheroes. Keep it up!

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