[WIP] Court Of The Gilded Roses

That’s a point of style, not grammar, actually…some style guides do that, some don’t.

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Okay I played until the dreaded error!

I enjoyed how immersive the story is and I’m excited to see where it goes. I will do my best to give helpful and respectful feedback, but keep in mind that this is the first harem story I’ve read so that may affect my experience.

Fave points
  • the idea of incorporating heirs, looking forward to seeing how that plays out
  • how immersive the world is, down to the ingredients of what I’m eating
  • the a humility stat - an underrated virtue IMHO
  • the dialogue, the characters definitely each have a distinct voice
  • how unabashed the text is about just having fun…darn right I want to be uber beautiful and get pampered all the time lol
Recommendations

Grammar:
I’d like to see more consistency with dashes…atm most are just hyphens or two hyphens put together (- or --) when they should be em dashes (—)…it’s also good practice to be consistent with whether or not you include a space on either side of a dash. I noted a couple of these below.

Style:
I think the text could be cut down quite a bit during one of your edits. I always like to go through and ask, “Is this description necessary? Has the idea been mentioned already? Can the reader grasp it without being told outright?”

As much as I enjoy the descriptions, I personally felt weighed down after a while. There are so many beautiful descriptions of the palace, but if there are too many beautiful descriptions, it’s hard to focus on the ones that matter and it can keep the story from moving forward.

Another example I noticed: if you choose to be mad at your parents, the concept of feeling like a slave sold off is reiterated a few times. I think the writing is strong enough that you don’t need to tell the reader outright everything the MC is feeling, and certainly not multiple times.

On a very specific note, I noticed the phrase “deeper than any blade” used on the same page.

Pacing
I think this story could afford to move a little faster. I’d encourage you to experiment with having a greater number of shorter pages throughout. I found most of them were quite long, which is fine for the most part I just think there’s a lot you could do with shortening key moments for dramatic effect.

Typos

“We bring the daughter of sayyid-”

Capitalize, em dash

whose name is but a jest in his majesty imperial courts?"

His Majesty’s

The burly guard’s sneer curdled further as he took in your infuriatingly courteous demeanor. “Listen here, you pretentious lit–”

em dash

Though your introduction had been marred by most rude reception,

a most rude

Beside her lounged a hulking, largely -built man draped in jadestone-beaded robes

largely-built

No, They had clearly scented the desperation fueling your family offering you up and seem bent on destroying any semblance of worth you arrived with.

lower case

began circling you with that same lethal predatory menace as before.There was a glint of respect in her eyes when she regarded you.

Comma
Needs a space

obsidian dagger."Do well to embrace these teachings, sayyida.

needs space

You cannot deny place is beautiful.

the palace/place

You melt into the purifying friction, flesh tingling as all impurities and thoroughly coaxed away.

are

After the death of his own father the late Shah Arzad

needs comma

Shira’s dark eyes seem to bore into you, as if weighing your readiness to truly comprehend the full depths."Arzad’s household was decimated.

space

"Two concubines took their own lives that evening," she relays this in a detached monotone.

either make two sentences OR remove “this”

To this day, the memories of that scouring Still haunt him, hardening his heart and resolve."

lower case

forgive himself. Duty above all and all that." she finishes with a sardonic grin.

capitalize

And by personal order of the Valide-Sovereign herself, she was drowned. Thrown into an old well like a beggar"

needs period

"It sounds like you’re describing a world of utter deception and ruthlessness behind these walls." You reply

comma, lower case

But any such fellowships must be guarded, nurtured and cherished"

needs period

but never fully extinguish your capacity for mercy, trust and unexpected friends"

needs period

You can’t help but note the slight hesitation before the word sisters

needs quotation marks

Best of luck with revisions :hugs:

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Hello, oh!!! It is really verry excited
“Would we be able to marry the Shah or not, if we choose him? It is very well-written and beautiful. I am from Asia, from the Orient and very happy to see such games here. I have been in this forum for one and a half years and was very happy to see it. I will be eagerly waiting for the next update, hoping it will not be for a long time.”
I just like reading things like that, but I don’t want to live a life like that, but it’s still my favorite type of game and I hope to see more of it here in the future.
I wish you the best of luck.

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Very interesting concept! I don’t play many harem games (because of my own fear of dying too early-) but this one was fun! I enjoyed the captive route most. :slight_smile: Looking forward to further updates!!

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I love this concept, so excited about this project! :heart:

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Hi again and sorry for being MIA. I’ll probably be away for a while longer (on vacation) but am steadily working on the next chapter. It was supposed to be released with this one so I’m well into it and hopefully it will be finished over the weekend.

A heads up and something I wanted to touch on. The coming update contains explicit sexual content (player determined) that falls under dubious consent. Your character will be propositioned to carry out a sexual act in exchange for something. You can choose to agree under duress or agree but not be enthusiastic about it. But again this is a choosable path and there several other ways to reach the same outcome.

That being said, the story moving forward will depict darker things, some of which can be carried out by the Mc. I think the protocol on the fourms dictate such content should be restrained to an adult thread so I might have to make a different thread for the next update? I’d still like to keep the sfw thread open, mainly for visibility. Maybe one of the @moderators could weigh in on this?

Anyhoo thank you for all the lovely comments and reporting typos and making suggestions! Editing is not one of my strengths and I tend to write well into the night, sleep deprived and cranky so I really appreciate it. They’ll come in handy with editing and future updates so keep ‘em coming!

Yep. The dreaded line 574 :smiling_face_with_tear:

Yes you’ll be able to marry Kaz. He already has a wife so that has to be taken care of first…

Persa and Ignasia won’t have children for you to influence. But depending on your relationship with kaz and if you choose to not have children, you can raise or murder the heirs he has with other concubines.

Same! I love the genre and I think I’m addicted to harem dramas but I were in story of yanxi palace or magnificent century I wouldn’t make it past the first episode. This is much safer.

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Usually, that’s how it’s done; separate threads for the game, and for the NSFW content. :+1:

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@Crazerk while doing the princess path i got this error when choosing the neutral option when greeting sayyid.

Intro_allpaths line 384 increasing indent not allowed, exspected 8 was 9

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Echoing above sentiments re: the quality of writing, you have a strong narrative voice! The descriptions of the setting paint a lovely image. I also appreciate the difference in treatment and deference depending on whether we choose the princess, noble, or captive background. Smart, immersive writing.

I might be getting a little ahead of myself here but I’m curious; since this is gender-locked female and you’ve included female ROs, will topics related to gender and sexuality be explored? Are there consequences to (overt) same sex relations and attractions? Does same sex love naturally lend itself to being labeled hedonistic in this story? Just wondering what you had in mind!

Looking forward to deepening my relationship with Shira as work mom and daughter.

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Thanks for clarifying!

Got it thanks!

Thank you for the kind words! I’m glad the paths felt distinct as replayability is one of my main goals. Hopefully subtle things such as what kind of beauty you are will play a part in the narrative like shaping how you’re perceived (an evil succubus concubine who trapped that shah or a sweet innocent beauty whose grace charmed him?) In the end I want two readers on the same path to have different experiences.

As a straight female I don’t feel I’m qualified to explore such topics in a way that feels authentic. I’m aware of the fetishizion of F/F relationship and double standards when it comes to M/M relationships, it’s not my intent to frame it that way so please let me know if I slip up while writing about it.

In the harem same sex pairings are common, sort of an open secret. You have several girls, all supposed to serve one man who probably has his favorites or won’t notice you. Naturally, some girls will seek comfort in the arms of each other, and it does tend to lean towards a hedonistic labeling in the harem but that’s mainly due to context, like if the emperor can’t/won’t please us we will please ourselves.

There will be parts of the narrative that touch on this. You can learn the “art of pleasure” from another woman and sleep with other concubines and it would be viewed as just harmless fun and a needed release.

In the outside world, views will vary. The story is based on sassanid Persia, and at the there was Zoroastrianism which condemned homosexuality but same sex relationships were common.

I don’t plan on including overt homophobia in the story and relationships with female ROs won’t be treated as something shallow or hedonistic. If you get caught with a female Ro, the scandal would be because she’s not the emperor, not because she’s a woman.

I also did have in mind a bi/poly paring with Kaz/Fang/Mc or Kaz/Mc/Ignasia, but I’ve never written poly before so it may or may not get scraped.

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I know we can gain a lot of power, but can the main character choose to take revenge and burn the entire palace to the ground? Because this feels like a perfect opening for vengeance (at least for the captive route)

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Yes there are subtle ways to sow discord and cause chaos but for more overt means like literally burning it all down, you’ll have to join a cult.

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Thanks, also don’t know if this has been mentioned but this happens during the captive route if you choose to ignore the crying.

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“Pillow friends” as the late great James Oliver Rigney might put it. :stuck_out_tongue:

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I played through all the various paths available and I have to say, I’m really loving the stark differences between each path! They all give each route very different flavors, and ny characters end up reacting inherently differently in each one because of it, to the point where even if I name them the same things, I always just see them as completely different people.

Something I was wondering, though; in the noble route, my MC was feeling mostly lost because of the sudden upheaval of things and their parents’ decision, but if I had to choose I’d also probably make them bitter at or outright make them want revenge towards the parents themselves.

Would it be possible to implement that sort of option, or would it affect the story you’re planning on telling too much?

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I could include it in the anger path, where Mc swears vengefully not to help them. If noble!mc becomes favored, word will spread and her parents will naturally benefit. You can convince the shah to give your dad his old job back or an even better one, allowing your parents back into court which significantly improves your power base. This can have several benefits, especially if you plan to kill/dethrone a certain spouse and get away with it. However you can just as easily ignore their instructions and continue being the sole recipient of khazunef’s favor.

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Just to add to that: the comma in “impetuous, pride” doesn’t need to be there since the “impetuous” part is a descriptive modifer to “pride”, not a separate quality. Like you would say “You have a large nose”, not “You have a large, nose”.

I got the same error as well with the disgraced noble route when I tried to choose the option of going to bed without saying anything.

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I’ve taken note of all the technical errors and have fixed most of them! I’m planning to flesh out the part you brought up in particular so those might take longer and coding isn’t my forte. Please bear with me whilst I figure out why choicescript hates me. They’ll hopefully be fixed with the next update, thank you!

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Hey y’all. Still working on the next chapter and I’ve realized there’s going to be a lot of rapid fire introductions, names and descriptions of the remaining girls as well as the consorts and concubines already in the imperial household (married to khazunef while he was still a prince.)

So I used this nifty image maker to create their appearances and depict essentially what I imagine them to look like. You can of course headcanon! This is mostly for people like me who love visual aids. I had loads of fun creating their outfits and using that as characterization aid. All credit goes to the creator and I’ll link the programs used. If you create your own mcs I’d love to see ‘em.

These are currently just the consorts and concubines in the imperial household. Mc and the other girls are still odalisques in training so they’re not part of said household yet.

Shahbanu Yaris

Consort Nimeda (L) and Consort Saline (R)

Consort Nyserin (L) and Consort Zahra (R)

Concubine Junli (L) and Concubine Brielle (R)

Link (needs flash)

I’ll probably upload the rest of girls later perhaps with the update. That’s all for now, back to work.

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