Ok…
So I read what you’ve put up so far.
It’s a good story. But I saw some errors where you switched from 2nd Person to 1st Person back to 2nd Person again.
Just wanted to let you know.
Just wanted to let you know.
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Thanks and sorry I will update it. I mistake the MC for myself sometimes. I made this mistake a few times actually. I corrected some while missed some out. And thanks for your feedback.
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Actually I am doing pretty bad in my exams need to focus. Might take me a week till next update. Thanks.
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I have updated the game added the first RO. The first chapter will be completed by tomorrow. Hope you like it. I am open to any and all types of feedbacks and recommendations. Also I have been hanging problems with the startup.txt as it doesn’t allow me to have more than 12 create options so I have removed a few stats which I will reintroduce in chapter 2.
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Just a heads up, you should change the title with the new date so people know it’s been updated.
That being said, there is a lot of room for improvement with grammar and spelling. In the future consider adding paragraphs and spaces.
Also, I thought you could choose between Monica/Monty? Right now the only option is Monica, and the game forces you to be a simp for her with the only options being flirt or still flirt but look like a love struck fool.
All this… absolutely not.
I also don’t like how the game emphasizes that I really really like her and apparently can’t stop myself from jumping into her pants. I’m not given an option to formulate an opinion on Monica because she’s perfect and beautiful and I. Must. Like. Her. That sort of blatant railroading… no. But not that it would matter because I’m not attracted to women anyway (of course giving the option to pick between a guy and a girl won’t make it better, you’re still basically forced to crush on them.) There is also an issue with the code. The game doesn’t allow me to play as female.
I’ve noticed that’s a common trend in your writing, not giving the player a real choice. The narrative follows mainly a predestined part. Now of course this is the beginning so a lot of concrete points will have to be set up and of course I’m sure in the future the choices might become more varied. Unfortunately the quality of the current writing doesn’t really make me optimistic for the future or want to stick around.
You’ve mentioned that you see the MC as “he” because you’re a man and that this story is based on your life story which includes the abusive dad but because of that it reads like your personal power fantasy, not a narrative that can be explored in different ways for different people. I wish you good luck with the rest of your story but it’s not for me.
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So will you like it if I introduced more choices on whether you like them or not. And I will update the Monty/Monica choice tomorrow. Also in real life most people crush on the physically attractive men/women. You don’t have to romance Monica/Monty you can treat them like friends just you can’t become there enemy because they are just part of your romance side story. They do not impact the main story at all in this book. Only in book 3( if I reach book 3) will they impact the main story. While the other 2 ROs are part of the main story. Also I am just starting to write. And it will take some time to master the art. Sorry you didn’t like the story. I will try to make it more to everyone’s choices.The update would have been better but I was not in a great mental space. I somehow barely managed to pass in my quantum mechanics paper. So couldn’t write for a few days.
Thanks I will try to see the errors and will try to bring a bigger and better update next week. Sorry for wasting your times and disappointing .
I will also like to thank Crazerk for showing me the flaws in my writing. I genuinely want to write a crime story and thought my back story would be interesting aspect. The story will become a crime simulator from the second chapter. Will limited romance. Also the other 2 ROs are not real people they are characters I created.
Not really, I think Angelina Jolie is hot but I don’t have a crush on her, I’m not attracted to women.
Yes but the game doesn’t allow you to show any other reaction than “wow she’s hot” or “wow she’s hot (shy)”
Awesome so please don’t embed in the text that you actually like them.
Nothing wrong with that, in fact if you were writing a novel, it could be a great inspiration but you’re writing a choice game which has to include numerous views and opinions for people to enjoy it. I only feel like your biases can take the story in one direction which doesn’t allow players feel like they have a choice at all or make for an enjoyable experience for most players.
And I just want to emphasize that it’s not the story direction itself that’s the issue but the character options. My dad isn’t an abusive mafia boss but I can suspend my disbelief and play as a MC in that situation. That’s a story premise. But I since can’t choose how to react to certain situations and people limits my characterization options.
Again I wish you good luck as it’s evident you’ve worked quite hard on this. It’s just not my cup of tea.
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OK dear readers since I realized the story has some technical faults I will have to rewrite quite a bit. So I am putting the demo down. Until I am ready with a bigger and better update.
Thank You
@Shreyash_Chanda if you have a hard time separating yourself from the character maybe you should make a book instead of a if
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I just need some time to rewrite it a bit. Making things a bit more mysterious.
Crazerk if you don’t mind I would like to mention one mistake. I said people crush on physically attractive men/women depending on their tastes(sexuality). You gave the wrong example I was speaking about a classmate while you said Angelina Jolie who is outside your or most people’s approach. While Monica/Monty are your classmates.Now think as a middle/high schooler will you be attracted to a boy/girl (depending on your taste) who looks beautiful (above average) and is nice to you. And I will add gender customization of all ROs. I was just testing with Monica(girl RO) before adding Monty. Anyways what I meant is that children often crush on those who are beautiful( not hot) , nice(or at least who act nice which was in case of Monica/Monty they were gold diggers) and accessible (which can be a classmate or friend but not some actor/actress).
I just had a bad week. Will bounce back and improve the writing. Also publishing a novel requires a lot of money which I don’t have. I am an Engineering student not a writer to get my work published by publishing houses(companies).
Hey no worries, was just pointing out the errors I ran into because I know how hard it is to write something and then try to play everything to make sure it is working as it should. Wasn’t trying to shade you or say I felt disappointed by anything.
Keep fighting the good fight and Good luck!
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Yah I didn’t take it that way. Just stating out why I can’t write a book. And thanks I am rewriting the first chapter a bit. Changing a few things. Will take a few more days. There is a problem in programing with my startup text aswell. So will need atleast a week.
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My condolences
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Why may I ask?
I just had really bad experience. Hope you are doing well.
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