Ubiquity's Gift Of Being Nowhere [WiP]


#1

Greetings!

I am currently working on a project. I would like to get it tested out. At the moment, it is only possible to go east, as you’ll find. Every other option will give you an error.

What I am looking for is criticism on my writing (which I myself am not fond of), the use of pronouns (relation with gender, etc), sentence order and sense. Everything you can help me on would be much appreciated.

https://dl.dropbox.com/s/05o0k8h2t8roh9p/ugobn.html?dl=0

It is currently very short and your choices will not matter much due to it being the prologue. I am aiming for a game with not many small choices, but few huge ones.


#2

[spoiler] “I don’t think we have mentioned it in the first place.”, the man interrupts.

I think this should he corrected to 'I don’t think we have mentioned this in the first place.

150mph. 160mph. 170mph. 180mph. 190mph. 200mph. 300mph. 400mph. 500mph. 1000mph. 2000mph. 5000mph. 10000mph. 20000mph. 75000mph. 100000mph. 400000mph. 800000mph. 1000000mph. 3000000mph. 6000000mph. 8000000mph. 9000000mph. 20000000mph. 50000000mph. 80000000mph. 100000000mph.

To me,this part feels…sloppy and unorganized. Maybe find another way to express that the car is going faster?

All is silence.

It’s supposed to be ‘All is silent’

As for the structure of the story,you really ought to just combine some scenes together.It isn’t really pleasant when we read 2-4 lines and click ‘Next’,only to read another 2-4 lines and click ‘Next’ again,and so on. [/spoiler]


#3

I did have some trouble explaining the speed. I’ll try to explain it better. As for the other corrections, took care of them right now.

This is not the structure of the story. This is the structure of the dialogues between the man and the woman. As the story progresses, they will seldom come along, therefore the story will be more fluid. The way it is structured right now is an attempt to slow the pace of their conversation.


#4

I kinda like it, the short sentences are different, a couple of typos and missed word but generally ok. The only thing is the short sentences are a novelty that might wear off pretty quickly. Also you have a tendency to ask questions but not get any real answers, again interesting at first but might turn to annoyance if it goes on for too long. Having said that it was interesting and I want to read more.


#5

The short sentences and not answering questions is a thing of the man and the woman. They are the main part of the prologue, so they’re dominant. In future scenes, they will only appear once in a while, which means the game will pick up pace, only stopping when they arrive. Other characters will talk like normal people and actually answer questions. And most of the unanswered questions will be answered as you move on in the storyline.


#6

Just want to ask,is this (kind of) puzzle game?


#7

That’s not the initial plan, but it might become one, we’ll see how it goes on.


#8

Okay,i just want to ask since when choosing road I have feeling this may not be last time mc encounter it good game though,i like how this will work :smile_cat:


#9

Thank you! I am currently having some trouble with stats in the game, I will try to bring up a fix it as soon as possible.


#10

I feel a very bioshock infinite vibe from that intro.


#11

That is the idea. But my idea is to make it a four part story. That’s why there is the north, south, west and east roads! And maybe I’ll make it a puzzle game, like I said before. Not sure though