I started with the concept of a game a few days ago and to get myself an interesting and motivating start I wrote some lines of an early scene.
As the title says, English is not my mother tongue - and I often have the feeling that somewhere in the process of translation my German thoughts into English text atmospheric words magically turn into something that sounds like the babbling of a drunken 4-years-old… but to be honest: I do not know if my English is good enough to critisize my own texts ;).
So, could you maybe have a look at my text and give me some feedback whether it can create a good atmosphere?
Thank you.
"I hope they are not yet dead.
It is hard to find someone in this town who cares about other people - and even harder to find someone who does not hide any dark secrets behind his social mask.
I would not go as far as to say that I could trust her - but maybe we have common interests.
My eyes are constantly wandering back and forth between my clock and the rear view mirror. I pull my hat a little deeper into my face.
Finally, the noise of an engine. A black limousine is approaching.
She has actually come.
The car stops on the other side of the street. Someone gets out on the passenger’s side, opens an umbrella and the rear door. She gets out and takes him that umbrella out of his hand. I have to smile about that bemused expression while he is gazing after her for a moment, until he regains his well-trained countenance.
She will come alone - so, she seems to have no idea who she’s dealing with here.
She circles the rear of the limousine.
Isabelle de Chaves.
I breathe in.
At each step in my direction, waves move circularly from the high heels of her shoes above the water on the asphalt.
Solid, proud steps of a girl who grew up among the upper class of the city and is used to watch places like this just from the safe perspective of her penthouse.
The blue cloak goes to her knees.
She wears thin gloves, hardly suitable to keep out the cold.
Her attitude is that of a true lady.
The umbrella casts a shadow over her face.
Your still better than me… oddly I was born and raised in America and I have failed to master the language of english… I remember getting all Fs in English and reading X_X
Your English seems good enough, if you ask me. I only found about three errors, but that’s about it. Everything else made sense
I’m an American myself, so I speak and hear English every day of my life
@all
Thank you for that feedback. Aside from spelling and grammar - do you like reading a text like that? Do that descriptions work atmospherically in English?
@TIYF
Your German is not bad - I understood everything. But since I have to practice my English (for CoG and my career), there is no need to write German.
… außer natürlich, wenn du es so selbst üben willst.
By the way:
If someone needs English-to-German translations for a game - just ask.
" She gets out and takes him that umbrella out of his hand."
-This sentence seems odd to me. Unfortunately, my English isn’t much better than yours, so I couldn’t tell you how to structure it better. There’s some word that would be used in place of “takes him” but I’m not sure what it is.
I think the atmosphere is described nicely, though, and translates well.
Wow, that is really good for English not being your native tongue.
There were grammer errors but everything was spelled right. The descriptions and atmosphere were amazing.
This was a section I stumbled through though:
At each step in my direction, waves move circularly from the high heels of her shoes above the water on the asphalt.
Solid, proud steps of a girl who grew up among the upper class of the city and is used to watch places like this just from the safe perspective of her penthouse.
The first sentence seemed wrong at first, so it could be better but there is no issue with that. In the second sentence ‘watch’ should become ‘watching’.
The umbrella statement does not need the ‘him’.
Just some picky things of mine. As an English teacher I could proudly give that an A!
I suppose I really shouldn’t be postin’ an edited version here, but bein’ who I am, I had ta. Still a bit iffy, but I like the writin’.
Still, I apologise in advance, everybody… Sorry.
“I hope they’re not dead.
It’s hard to find someone in this town who cares about other people - and even harder to find someone who doesn’t hide dark secrets behind his or her persona.
I would’nt go as far as to say that I could trust her - but maybe we have common interests.
My eyes are constantly wandering back and forth between my watch and the rear-view mirror. I pull my hat a little deeper over my face.
Finally, the noise of an engine. A black limousine is approaching.
She’s actually come. (She really has come? I don’t know what this scene is)
The car stops on the other side of the street. Someone gets out on the passenger side, they open an umbrella and then the rear door. She gets out and takes that umbrella out of his hand. I have to smile, watching the bemused expression on his face as he gazes after her for a moment and then regains his well-trained countenance.
She’s come alone - so, she seems to have no idea who she’s dealing with here.
She circles the rear of the limousine.
Isabelle de Chaves.
I breathe in.
With each step in my direction, her high heels create ripples through the water on the asphalt - the solid, proud steps of a girl who grew up among the upper class of the city, who is used to watching places like this from the safety of her penthouse.
The blue cloak goes down to her knees. She wears thin gloves, hardly suitable to keep out the cold. Her attitude is that of a true lady.
The umbrella casts a shadow over her face.
@Bagelthief
For the sentence “She’s actually come”, I’m pretty sure that “she’s” is supposed to stand for “she has”, instead of the traditional usage that stands for “she is”.
@LOR Yes. “She’s” can be used for both, mmm. don’t understand what ya mean by “traditional”, I hear it bein’ used all the time. “She has actually come” sounds far too formal.
"I hope they’re not dead yet. (Alt: I hope they’re not yet dead.)
*Both methods work, the second style is for a certain type of scene though, so I went with the first*
The car stops on the other side of the street. Someone gets out on the passenger side, opens the rear door and an umbrella*. She gets out and takes the umbrella out of his hand. I have to smile about that bemused expression while he is gazing after her for a moment, until he regains his well-trained countenance.
I switched the door and umbrella around as it makes more sense in context. If you open the umbrella first, then the door then I think the ‘person’ getting out has to be more defined (i.e. longer sentence?)
Solid, proud steps of a girl who grew up among the upper class of the city and is used to watching places like this from the safe perspective of her penthouse.
She steps around my car.
That click of the door…
I breathe out."
Minor change to the top sentence. I won’t change the end of that because it actually fits the tone of your text so far.
I’d say you’ve got a very good grasp of English and the style of the story you’re telling actually suits your method of writing thus far. Keep at it.
