The Sword Mark (WIP)

gender-choice
young-adult-fiction
low-fantasy

#1

The Sword Mark

According to beliefs, people who have have sword marks on their bodies are sent by the Gods to lead the world. That’s why they are chosen to be the successors to the throne. They are taken to the King’s landing and start trained to be a strong warrior and good leader.

After the death of current King or Queen, they must fight to death for the throne.

And the last survivor becomes the new ruler.

ROs

Princess Aurora - She’s the daughter of the current King. She’s very shy and kind person. She’s known for her beauty.

Prince Evan - He’s the son of the current King and the brother of Aurora. Unlike his sister, he’s brave and bold man.

River - She’s one of the most promised successors to the throne. She has a strong personality.

Arthur - He’s a peasant’s son who hates the King and the successors. He believes noble people are the reason why the peasants don’t have a good life.

DEMO: https://dashingdon.com/play/penguin/the-sword-mark/mygame/index.php?cb=48943

I will add more scenes about MC’s childhood.

Also, let me know if there are grammar mistakes in the story. English is not my first language :blush:


#2

So far so good. Interesting and compelling premise; nothing catches the reader 's attention like a forced battle to the death.

Main con right now is the characterization. The King publicly threatens his son (which seems less than kingly), for example. Then again, this is a rough draft.


#3

So, the current king was the winner of the previous bout of murder-death-kill? And that means his children won’t succeed him (unless they have a mark themselves and win said murder-death-kill)? What usually happen to them?


#4

Thank you :slight_smile:

The King cannot let anyone question his decisions or argue with him in front of other people. Everyone should respect the King, even his son and daughter. Evan’s words humiliated him in front of his successors. That’s why he reacted that way.

Yes, he is.

Correct.

The new King/Queen will decide what will happen to them.


#5

@Penguin
There this error when go to show stats

Summary


#6

murder-death-kill
demolition-man-sniiiipes


#7

So… it has a exactly number of people who are born with the mark? If the king dies tomorrow, kids of 6, 7, 8 years old needs to fight for the throne against older ones?

This game take the phrase “In the Game of Thrones you win or you die” LITERALLY. xD


#8

I love the idea so far it shows some great promise.


#9

Alright, I really enjoyed that lol. Looking forward to what you add later on.


#10

like how this play out


#11

I get that. But by losing his temper in public, the King endangers his image. To take another example, we haven’t really seen Aurora being kind, and Arthur’s intro seems a little forced (he appears in the training yard specifically to tell you not to touch him).

Point is, though, I’m sure that these character issues will be fixed in the next drafts–characters are often a little awkward to begin with. Looking forward to the next iteration. :slight_smile:


#12

This is good can’t wait to feel more I like river


#13

Looking good so far! Like it!


#14

I found a error


#15

English is not my first language too. I know how it feels. I played and it was fun, but a few things could be added, and i think its your idea since the beginning, but how could i know?
1- "Disappoint"
2- At the training sessions it could be a little more interactive, but i think you gonna do that
3- Romance. Friendship I know, its boring and looks like fan service, but boys and girls growing up together(or kind of it, it wasnt very clear tho) really grow feelings between them and in the future they will kill each other. YOU DID REALLY GREAT, im kind of too descriptive and write thing like “they felt something inside them when their eyes met”, not sure if its necessary.
4- They becoming the ruler of the empire its kind of strange, at least for me, but they becoming something like Guardian or Super Knight Protector of the Forbidden Knowledge… no its for magicians… but not the ruler itself, like in the anime/manga Black Clover
5- And a invasion would be great hehehe
6- The kingdom could be a empire formed of some kingdoms and the swords marks king could be the High King of the entire empire above the kings
7- Conspirations, intrigues and challenges are highly recommended
8- keep writing because its fun and better when your idea is very good… and it is
9- WHY ARE YOU NOT WRITING? ignore me


#16

Yeah, i felt the same, the training yard doesnt fit with Arthurs descriptions, were he working on something, or making a request, or spying on? I dont know if my idea for him would be even more forced, he could be a test, even if the winner of the enclave doesnt have to be a benevolent king, this test could show a little more of the successors personality


#17

Wouldn’t that put them off of having children, knowing that if they die someone else decides their fates? I think there should be some sort of system or Noble house set up for them.

The king seems crazy, I wonder what’s gonna happen next!


#18

hmm is a good reading so far @Penguin , seems interesting (this kind of remind me to the first cyoa i read that was Eternal writed by @EndMaster and for me the best cyoa i have read so far, and that is not something easy… considering some of the writers here are amazing) so keep up and dont give up :smirk:


#19


#20

Thanks for the compliment, I’ll certainly have to check this WIP out when I have the time.