To be honest, during the prologue, I put on the ost for Inside Out. It made it all the more hilarious. This was SO much fun! And so long…It surprised me. I will definitely be playing again. Especially since that took…a handful of hours for me. 10/10
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ahh! this is incredible. i roped 3 friends into playing this after chapter 1 because it was such a good time. there were a couple little things that i noticed - weird phrasing, things that seemed like they should’ve been italicized that weren’t, etc. when i play back through ill grab screenshots of those things if that’d be helpful.
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Do tell me, please. Thank you very much for the nice words, happy you enjoyed it 
1 Like
So this is what I noticed on my last play-through!
-
It seems like you probably wanted the not here to be italicized but if you didn’t, ignore this. -
When you’re picking your pronouns, if you put in custom ones, Livvy will ask you them in this order “he/his/him” which personally threw me off when I was putting in they/them pronouns, since as far as I know, the way most people would do it is he/him/his or they/them/theirs.
-
It’d be hairbrain, not harebrain. -
The phrasing here just feels a little awkward. I’d personally change the airheaded to just airhead, and paper space to space on the paper or even just space. -
I would change let to leave, and maybe either get rid of the guys on the end or get rid of the two and leave the guys. -
I presume you meant huh, not uh. -
There’s that big space there. -
It doesn’t make sense to me personally to use italics all throughout the story but change to bold here. -
That’d be truer, not truest. -
Missing punctuation after the bit in italics, and unless a period goes there the something should be capitalized.
That’s all I found! Of course, this was only one route and I may have missed things but there you are.
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Corrected them. The only ones I left alone were the hairbrain/harebrain (they seem to be the same thing), and inputting your own pronouns because I need it to read like that for a silly little joke that AFABs get. A lot of thanks for your time and help 
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EDIT: I had to split this into two posts because I went over the character limit. I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE
Disclaimer: a decent portion of this was typed up between 3 and 5am a number of nights ago as I got woken up by a blaring car alarm and then was too angry about getting woken up by a blaring car alarm to get any more sleep, so ch5 (and Pime herself, angel that she is) kept me from murder and my future thanks you.
If something seems nonsensical or I think a joke is way funnier than it is, this is probably why.
Anyway!
So I’d collected a long list of things to do and comment on as it’s been a month? way longer? (yikes september was not kind to me) since my last deep dive, and the longer I wait on something, the more stuff I think to add. Suffice it to say, this is so long I feel like I just wrote chapter 6. Consider these all individual tabs in a really dope green binder with a lot of doodles in the margins.
nonbinary pronouns
there was an ask on tumblr that someone was having difficulty with the do-it-yourself pronouns, so I went about testing it myself (though I admit I am not ideal for testing this, as I never use it). did not see any obvious bugs, but I think the wording on the last question could be clearer.
i’d change this to “instead of [hers/his]”
edit:
uh oh is this the joke 
i’d probably advocate for erring on the side of not making the pronoun input confusing 
“what”
also as a side note, livvy’s reaction
is funny because it’s the 90’s and she’s gonna have to go to the library instead of google it and i’m very tired and laughed at this
I am Really Super Mean: a presentation
I had been scoffing at the idea that I couldn’t be aloof and apathetic enough to reach 65% in the Otherworldly stat, so in a definitely-not-petty move, I went through the code, collected my evidence and am now here to present my findings that will exonerate me of this slander. Observe! ~dramatic gesture towards the whiteboard~
There are a total of 9 chances to move the needle on humanity before we get to the Arrogant God option in ch4 (there are actually 10, but two are mutually exclusive, on parallel branches), BUT 2 of these are locked in certain branches and not others, so if you don’t pick those branches, you lose the chance. Also, I would argue, as it is currently coded it is harder for charming mc’s to raise their otherworldly stat than stoic ones (and I would also argue that charisma on its own does not mean compassion, and I’d assume you’d agree, Pime, as evidenced by your love of charming backstabbers). I should also mention that I am currently drinking wine now. Assume I am pointing vaguely towards the whiteboard with my wine glass. (This is a different day than the car alarm. I am either drinking or sleep deprived for most of this endeavor.)
Now, for the first point, the two chances that are branch-locked:
this one is only reached if you tell Roach about Tzr’nekre, which itself seems like a more trusting, humanly choice, as you’re admitting a weakness. (Not necessarily that there should be a stat change for that, but roleplay-wise, a less human mc seems like they would not confide in them. BUT this brings up another point, which I will address further down.)
and this one is only reached if you follow Roach into the crevice, and it’s a HUGE bonus, too, if you’re already under 50%.
I did not pick either of these branches, as my mc is apathetic, self-serving, and paranoid, and because of this, I hit right below the 65% threshold. (I think I ended up with 63, which means that even if I had gotten that smaller one during the Tzr’nekre talk, it still wouldn’t have been enough. Only way to reach the God option is to grab that -15% from shoving Roach around, along with every other one. Currently there’s no room for error, so my first suggestion would be to add in more chances in general.)
Point two, charismatic mc’s are at a disadvantage:
In general, when it’s not a binary choice, the otherworldly option tends to be hostile and straightforward. For example:
if you are playing a charismatic/more machiavellian mc, you are unlikely to pick that last option, as it would feel out of character. There is never an equivalent witty-otherworldly option, which means a charming mc who is being charming for practicality’s sake (and not because they are feeling human) will raise their otherworldly stat at almost half the pace (i’m making this statistic up because that would require math at 4am, but it’s significant) as a stoic/intimidating mc.
And this brings me to the point that jumped out at me as I was typing this: what exactly denotes less humanity? Currently, going by the way your stats fluctuate, compassion = more humanity, and violence/strong negative emotion/low impulse control = less humanity. I realize that this could get too philosophical, and I don’t think that’s all that helpful for you, so I’lll try to keep the questions in-universe. When we slide more towards Otherworldly, is this more the traditionally thought of inhumanity (like a psychopath) or does this mean we are becoming more like our original selves? If the latter, that would mean those instances reveal bits of our original fixed pre-game personality, and that you couldn’t have an apathetic/unemotional/patient original monster, which is fine, just trying to work things out, though you do reference the option for one later:
Does this make sense or am I talking in drunken circles?
In conclusion, my ego was not bruised whatsoever. ~Bows and spills my drink~
everything besides ch5
whose
also I noticed you took out my high-five 
something i’ve completely forgotten to do is look at the stats:
of talking; in
for
standards
remove “a”; on
on
aren’t any
leave; remove “two”
isn’t it?
If you’ll forgive me for a slight nitpick, I would say this phrase, which is used quite often, needs to be structured slightly differently than it currently is so it feels less repetitive (and sometimes is not really a full sentence). Right now, you generally keep the same structure and attach information to the beginning or the end, like adding “in an exasperated sigh”. When the phrase is repeated almost verbatim, it does start to jump out:
There’s a number of ways to express emotion through breathing (and I know you already know this as you don’t always use this phrase, and it’s always fine then), and I think perhaps mixing them up a bit would help it feel more natural to the sentences they are in. There’s a lot of ways to do that, and let me stress that I am not a writer, but I’ll throw out some suggestions just to start somewhere and not just dump this in your lap: you could add either where the air is coming out of or where it’s coming from, and remove “the” from “the air”, ie: “You let air rush out your nose in an exasperated sigh”, “You suck air in through your teeth”, or even just varying words instead of mentioning the word “air” at all; scoff, sniff, snort, sigh, inhale, exhale (I have seen you use these as well and they work fine). I think it gives a bit more information as to the emotion attached to the action. “Letting the air go” is very passive on its own, and doesn’t give us all that much more information than that someone is breathing. Someone who exhales sharply gives us a much more visual description. In fact, just changing “let” or “letting” to a more active word would probably suffice. This is really the only phrase you use that pops out as feeling a bit odd to me. (I realize I can zoom in on critique much more than praise, so I hope by now you know I like your writing. This is not me being mushy, I can fucking see you typing, pime)
ground
i like this new format for showing your strengths (not an edit! just a compliment! i can actually do those!)
to
in
does that mean that Newman went to a different high school? do they actually have more than one high school in this town? Wait Livvy was wearing a uniform. Did they go to catholic high school? (also you don’t need to ever capitalize “high school” unless you are actually saying the name of the school. Same with “teacher”)
this is such an odd way of signing your name on a note to a person you’ve never met before. What the fuck does the E stand for? Newman don’t fucking know (I advocate for a line of text pointing out how fucking strange that is. I think it’s good as a character quirk for Jonny.)
on
was
forgot to highlight it, but it should be “something important, huh?”
also a request for if you choose “Yes.”
this is a super cheeky answer, so I feel like we need a shit-eating grin on our face here.
reverse the italics in these words, so it’d be “Who are you?”
you’ve made
did
deadly
Incomplete sentence
Something about this paragraph reads a bit odd to me, but tbh I don’t know enough about writing fiction to really pin it down. A recap of a conversation has the potential to feel more like a grocery list than something immersive, but I know it can be done in a way that doesn’t pull you out of the story. Perhaps instead of just a play-by-play, you could use the opportunity to lay out how dinners usually go as well? So you’re giving a glimpse into their routine as well. Aside from that, “that lazy friend of hers” should probably only be said once.
bubbly
this
screech
either “sit on a blanket” or “set a blanket down”
past
kicked
lodged
tense change through the middle of the scene: say; answers; look; stare
the bathroom scene is good now, except this last part here. still feels like a leap with a transition missing. I’d suggest just adding that we book it to the door or something. and you could get creative with how we exit to show our nerves; do we peak out first? do we march towards the door like we aren’t scared? do we walk backwards so our back isn’t facing the stall? it kind of shows us coming down from our ptsd episode
remove much
so the top one is the submc choice and the bottom is the conmc choice, but tbh the choices read like the reverse to me. the top one seems like you are trying to stop yourself from jumping them (maybe add that you’re blushing or something?) and the bottom like you’re trying to get them to jump you. This might just be me, though.
I’d reverse the order here, so grab shirt → “Just like that?” otherwise there’s a time lapse where roach is supposedly climbing while you are talking before you reach out
Here, I think you need a line about climbing, otherwise we just appear at the top.
you have a number of times throughout where you use “definitively” when I’m guessing you mean “definitely”
i think you need to specify that this is an interior door within the room and not a door opening to the outside where our group is hiding. Maybe adding “from further in” to the end of that highlighted part?
remove like
what do i have to do to get you to change this to Roach grabbing their face and shoving them aside?
barking a laugh is like one short loud laugh, and wouldn’t be long enough to result in tears. “barks out in laughter” would work i think?
the other
these should all be past tense i think, so: hated; hated this; hated; wished (i just highlighted it here bc it was a different tense than the others); and actually then it would also be “a meteorite would fall and burn St George”; this place
to
“what’s” or “what has”
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PART TWO 
why do I do this to myself
ch 5
but join in on their
also this is cute how dare you
buck
not wrong, just added this to mention that shirt can be used interchangeably with t-shirt
it has yet to be mentioned in this scene just how naked or not roach is, and I think at this point we need to know
giving; either “to wrap up my urges” or “to wrap my urges up with”
adorable spanish typo, also i think this choice needs to sound more forceful. right now it sounds like a party trick, but it’s actually the most violent of all the options
and here, the word “tame” makes this choice sound like the most compassionate one when it’s actually the goldilocks option. maybe “somewhat tame” or that you won’t try to hurt them too much or something?
i think we need more information about how roach is reacting. what are they focusing on? looking at horizon? looking at us? do they look stunned or nervous or do they have a neutral mask?
remove both "at"s
i really like the body language here (reminds me of aisling, really)
very
on
than
this is a really nice description and helped me get a sense of what “energy” in this story feels like
hold up when did we start holding hands? is this the first time? has roach done this in the week previously? might want to mention one way or the other
acquainted
squared
i think i would change this around, so it’s “while the woman’s eyes are closed, her head on her lover’s shoulder, and her hands in her lap”
I think this is too much information happening in front of us without an update to what Roach and Newman are doing. I would add that we’ve been walking while taking all this in
playing tug-of-war (doesn’t have to be spelled out every time, but the first time it should be)
from; clenched; its
remove over
At; a dog make; darts away; into the woods
Also, again pacing-wise, I think it should be mentioned that this is all happening at the same time as other stuff going on in the scene.
If time is passing we need to know what’s going on with Roach and Newman during this. A similar issue to my complaint about the gas station scene, as time moves, we need updates on where all the players are and what they are up to.
remove the dog
“an instant in which a single thought shines inescapably clear”; “had settled over their mind”; to the edge
also, up until this moment it wasn’t specified that there was a climb necessary for getting out of there, so i’d suggest adding in a line about how steep a decline it is when they initially hold hands to move toward the lake. a “bank of a lake” can be pretty flat, so mentioning that it’s rocky or that they have to jump down or something would help.
i think the snout is their nose? what’s a dog mouth called? muzzle? no, i think that includes the nose too. maybe just mouth. maw?
if you’re trying to emphasize just how far away you are, then “from all the way over here”, otherwise i’d just remove “from over here”; either “any dog make” or “a dog make”
because we are in the same sentence where we are speaking about the fisherman as a person instead of a casket (or speaking of tzrnekre), i think it makes more sense to use “he” instead of “it” for those two highlighted bits. it also makes that last sentence more dramatic as it switches, so we go from man to monster.
the direction it is moving is confusing here. up until this line, it sounded like it was walking towards us, not the boy and dog.
do you not
the chase through the woods currently lacks a certain urgency for me, and i think it’s mostly due to not enough descriptions of movement as well as descriptions of the terrain around us (both before this point and while we are running). are we sprinting? dodging through trees? tripping on roots? jumping rocks? is roach faster? slower? what’s the scenery look like? dense tree cover? steep hills? tall grass? dry dirt? are we kicking up dust into the air? where’s the sun? in our eyes? casting long shadows? was the hill/ledge (needs more clarification) that we climbed up near the lake the only one or is this place full of uneven ground? maybe when you talk about leading tzrnekre away from the cult, which direction do we go? do we follow the path we were initially on? are we trying to run into difficult terrain to slow tzrnekre down? trying to get it to trip? are we trying to use the terrain to our advantage? are we too scared to even think about that?
drown out
another good place to add in a bit more hurriedness and description to the scene. maybe it’s a quick look? a breathless look? are we being careful not to trip as we do? waiting for a clearing in the trees so we don’t run into anything?
i think overall i’m noticing a tendency you have to zero in on the most important thing happening in a scene without giving quite enough information to the reader to visualize the stage and all the players moving within it.
is it
remove around
It
these were confusing choices. they are actually speed/cunning/strength, but because you mention essence, i thought it was about our essence stat. i’d suggest not mentioning essence in the choices, but then feel free to keep the descriptions of the actual fight the same.
this is after we’ve sidestepped it to hit it in the back, so it would need to turn around or look over its shoulder first
it devours
up until this line, we seemed to be unsure of how to kill it, so the surety here without explanation doesn’t make sense. did we develop a plan? were we just going to try a hail mary?
nnnnnnnnnnn
one step forward, two steps back
missing a period at the end there
we were on the ground a second ago, are we still? did we stand up when tzrnekre threw roach?
feels a bit odd to have the reaction before we know what the cause is. i’d suggest writing it as pain → stumbling
here, again, we need more information before this point as to what our surroundings look like. when we stop for the confrontation, that’s a good place to quickly lay out things for the reader to picture. it sounds like we stopped at the top of a hill or something? lots of trees? a clearing? room to fight? or trying to keep the trees near as cover? also is this the same direction that roach was thrown?
if it was the same slope, we would probably try to look around for them here. do we see them? are they missing even though it’s only been seconds since they were thrown? do we try to look but can’t focus enough to tell?
remove a
I think this is kind of a confusing opening line on its own for a new scene. perhaps adding a bit more context. is ara’s back to her? is ara hunched over her project? or crouched down examining something? where are we? in a garage? backyard?
kind of sounds like mom gave Ara the walkman. things get confusing when everyone has the same pronouns.
in that phase where
“comes around to stand” if we were approaching her from behind, otherwise “comes up to stand”
can’t even begin
this sentence is fine, but it needs to be mentioned before this that ara noticed her and looked up.
out
they’re always calling; take
in
I would change this to Livvy since it’s a new page. also maybe mention that she went into the kitchen? and why is she there? is the kitchen attached to wherever Ara was?
tupperware
picks up; Who’s this?
also maybe mention that ara is speaking loud enough for her voice to carry either through the wall or an open doorway
clean up
(livvy is sounding like an overworked housewife in this scene and an unappreciated friend in the last scene with them. it might be nice to see more sweet moments so we see why she’s sticking around? unless this is the point.)
do
also i think it might read clearer if you make her thoughts in italics in this scene since we are switching back and forth.
turns on; “fill” or “as it is filling”
either “every little thing” or “every single thing”; else is
container
Who is sighing? Is she speaking from the other room or did she walk in to the kitchen?
turns
but also wasn’t the living room behind her? so she’d need to look over her shoulder?
also it would be helpful to have an emotion attached to “the dishes?”: impatient? tired? frustrated?
we need more information than this. what’s ara doing? staring confusedly? ignoring her? not making eye contact? all of these moments are important for showing their dynamic.
did she just push it up? was it down the rest of the time? otherwise i don’t think this sentence is the place to put this information.
an
a bit confusing as who which “she” this is. i’d connect the last sentence and this one, so it’d be “in the blink of an eye and she turns”
i’d change thinks to worries, she’ll leave now
i’d change the first she to Ara; i’d also connect the last sentence, so “as she so often does, and rests her chin”
Ara
turns off; resting or placing
sign
doesn’t need to be in quotes. if this is trying to say that it’s not really an introspective mood most of the time, you could add “supposed” before it
Ara
squirms its way into
also where was Ara’s hand? did she have to reach back for it?
that [name] completely forgot
different from anything you’ve experienced before
no branches swaying in the wind
are we standing or lying on the ground? do we have to look up to check our surroundings? why are we wincing? from our head?
you’ve called it a woods up until now
i would remove “up there”, and maybe instead of “looks like”, “it reminds you of” or “feels like you’ve stepped into”
if we were on the ground, it needs to be mentioned that we stood up before this
nothing particularly wrong with this, but you did use “silence” in the sentence before this. might want to use a different word so it doesn’t feel repetitive
feel like part of
won’t
out
either “across the ground” or “through the dirt (or grass or leaves or whatever)”
i think you need a second adjective. “wet” on its own doesn’t necessarily make a sound. a wet sucking sound?
claw-like
moment or second sounds slightly better
remove then
also maybe add what we are trying to achieve? its skull caving in? no movement? what are we looking for to know it’s done?
Tzr’nekre
i’d remove “you stare at” since you basically said you were looking at it in the previous sentence; either remove “a” or change to “lightning bolt”; it might be interesting to describe what passing through means. is the rift large enough to just walk through? do we need to crawl or squeeze through? is it blinding? does it hurt? does it feel weird?
could we not smell anything in the alternate dimension? was it devoid of more than just sound? probably should mention that
are we lying on the ground again? the way passing through the rift was written implied we were standing and walking. maybe mention collapsing through?
“you start to fight them off” makes more sense
also was Roach successfully dragging us? that might not work for larger mcs. maybe “trying to drag you” or “attempting to drag you”
“and you have to close”
did we sit up? we were on our back with our eyes closed a second ago.
also “watch” is passive and doesn’t tell us much. are we checking them over for injury?
again, i’d add a bit more to their reaction. are they not meeting our eye? do they look sad? tired? frazzled?
not sure what shaking their head implies here. it feels like an odd gesture.
again, “watch” is fairly passive when a more interesting and useful word could be used. maybe “take them in”; remove “there are”; water running down their face (forgot to highlight this part); grab; shirt; towards you
that you know means they want you
the trees, as Roach says lightning is naturally drawn toward them
it hurts
right; subsequent
how far away are they from the fence?
i’d restructure this sentence, so “As they get closer to the fence, their composed expression morphs into shock and then alarm.”
off
already
you’ve visited
second (i don’t think instant is wrong, necessarily, but this sounds a bit better to me)
where is roach in this scene? they weren’t mentioned walking in
step
velour was across the room near the bathroom, right? it should be mentioned that they walk to the door first
remove on
this “what” is a bit confusing, it makes it seem like they noticed something that distracted and confused them instead of just having trouble getting their thoughts in order
huh
so my initial reaction was to fudge the truth to my advantage here, and was kind of bummed that wasn’t an option. could there be a third option that’s not just pure truth or stonewalling but more like partial truth to make Newman sound good and godly? something that explains away all the obvious stuff but also plays into the deity lie?
all Horizon needs to know is that
and start to run both hands down the sides of
into
questions
remove at
i don’t feel like there’s enough context to know what this means. what kind of memory?
remove then
did they have a different question and then their train of thought was interrupted here? it’s a bit confusing
I thought
i have never come across the word mot before and the only things i found when looking it up were 1. a way to say a grove of trees in Texas specifically, 2. a witty saying 3. your girlfriend when in Ireland ¯ \ (ツ) / ¯
where you’ve gone off to
and they finally notice you
is
will you have to walk through fire?
word for it then
extort feels kinda odd here. maybe coerce?
I have a whole mess of theory stuff and Roach notes as well, but tbh I really want to be done with this post, so I’ll type those up separately once I’ve spent a good long time in the sun and actually gotten some productive things done this weekend 
8 Likes
Shark, you are the best. I’ll answer your posts once I can give them the time that they deserve, but know that you’ve pointed out really interesting stuff.
Tomorrow I’m paying a visit to a friend so I don’t know how active I’ll be here and on tumblr. [Me. Going out. I feel weird already.]
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Don’t hurt yourself, now.
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shark is the kind of beta tester that IF authors dream and wish for.
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Get away, Trevers. Shark is mine 
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Oh, those are fightin’ words, pime.
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I’m paid in gender nonconforming ROs.
and that’s very nice of you to say, trever 
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So last sunday there was no progress update because I only managed to squeeze out 1k words; this week however I wrote 4k more so if you’re doing your math, that means CH6 is now 12k words long 
I’m almost halfway there (I want the chapter to be at least 30k words, yet I suspect it’ll be longer).
Another plot point has been reached 
As a fun fact: Horizon surprised me; they showed me they do care about something I thought they hated. Also Jonny being a big gummy bear, and Livvy being a hot mama. Love it when characters surprise me.
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Great story! I love the idea of playing as an eldritch horror and the way you create such an eerie feeling in your story gives me shivers! Keep up the good work!
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Oh i love this, can’t wait to buy this one .roach is by far my favorite. Coward as he may be I still love the way he s written
Keep up the good work and cant wait for the full version
2 Likes
Here we go
But that’s not the pronoun I’m referring to 
Livvy asks them in this way: He, his, him (using the male form because it’s easier to see which ones I’m talking about); she, her, her.
The joke is the part where Livvy says “Their ice-cream is melting… also your ice-cream is melting”. Changing the way she asks about the pronouns means changing the “pace” of that joke and I rather not (unless it really makes everything too confusing)
80’s and yeah, Livvy is an angel.
Oh don’t get me started with that. There was a game that seriously thought that being a charmer meant being empathic and I’m still scratching my head over that one.
I’m drinking whiskey, cheers
You should try to do both at the same time; I can only imagine your powers growing exponentially.
Interesting, I can see how it can be confusing. I’ll try to shine some light on how I see the attributes:
Magnetic: Newman is witty, tends to joke around, has a quick comeback always at the ready.
Imposing: the mysterious Newman; is silent, glares a lot and makes people shut up mid-sentence.
From day one I decided that magnetic wouldn’t mean responsive. It always felt frustrating whenever I tried to play a charming MC and authors wrote it as “MC is being funny, MC loves people”. While in my mind I was like, no, MC is being funny, MC is a manipulative piece of shit xD (reminds me of a little critter we all know)
Responsive: empathic. This Newman connects with people’s feelings and they tend to think about how their actions affect others. Throws up when faced with gore.
Indifferent: if I had to put “psychopath” somewhere, this attribute would be it. This Newman doesn’t care at all. They just don’t have the equipment to care about people, and most of the time can’t even comprehend why their actions could be seen as ‘bad’. Needs strong emotions to feel something (fear, anger, horniness) Gore does nothing to them. A Magnetic Indifferent Newman is a master manipulator for example; they imitate feelings and expressions they don’t fully understand (I might have been thinking about my Sidestep when I created the indifferent attribute)
I know there’s no middle point here (and I hate it), but I needed opposites to show it in the flavor text (not my favorite attributes anyway, I try not to use the responsive/indifferent pair too much)
Human: Newman wonders a lot if the casket is affecting them. Human things make them oddly happy (the motorcycle, the bakery’s smell); thinking about leaving Earth feels weird; thinking about their human form as less real feels weird.
Otherwordly: Deity, and as such wants to be treated as one (pay attention to the way they speak; there’s a lot of you all are nothing compared to me). Gets annoyed easily by human stuff like Livvy asking them what’s going on in their life. True form is grandiose. Wants to leave. Scoffs about humans. Predator.
This one is the only opposing pair that isn’t static; players can choose to be otherwordly and then go more human (I’m still working on the percentages and all that jazz) or viceversa.
So what I’ll do is to go back and rephrase some of the options so the human choices don’t sound so responsive.
That’s part of the flavor text you get if you choose the option that makes you cautious instead of rash. If you choose the other one you get “They didn’t see you coming most of the time.” Which means that you’ve always been either a cautious hunter or a swift one. Schrodinger’s cat original monster xD
It’s a subtextual high five now, just like we bisexuals are subtextual too 
This is why I love you; you’re pointing out the weak links and I think we all can do without them. Also thanks for the suggestions, they are very helpful 
Is it odd? Where I live there are high schools everywhere 
There’s even rivalries and everything (fuck you Escuelita El Sol)
Yep (scholarships plus the whole irish-immigrants-founded-St.George thing)
I like it. Will add it in.
I was thinking something more like, “So far I have: …” Would adding the ‘so far’ make it less confusing?
Not the first time someone points that out; it’s because that stuff happens before Roach throws the bag inside the hole. Should I change it?
After all the work you put into this I think I owe it to you. Horizon won’t be amused tho.
What if he still hates them, hates the town, and hates that nobody cared?
Even though they aren’t in the town at the moment?
Roach probably. They tend to trigger masochistic tendencies in people.
Roach being mushy 
Since we’re talking about it, is there a difference between ‘specially’ and ‘especially’ or these words exist solely to make me mad?
(as a side note, have I ever told you how much I hate prepositions? Must you english-speaking people hate yourselves so much? The whole phonetic system should be enough)
There’s some Aisling in there xD
Fair enough.
Yes, yes, yes. Yes to all of this. Descriptions of the setting are really hard for me to write (action scenes too) and I’m really thankful you pointed out the parts that need rework. Now you understand why it took me so long to finish CH5: lots of descriptions that I didn’t want to write xD
Is this another instance in which I should call it by its christian name and then I can keep calling it ‘tupper’ (as friends do), or I should change it all the times it appears as ‘tupper’?
An Ara thing.
Oof, so much to unravel there. I can’t promise you anything, my friend. I think I could write a book about Ara and her relationship with Livvy and this one isn’t it xD
Not sure about this one since the text reads:
Just how many times has Livvy told her to clean after herself?
“Uh. Uh-huh. Hey Leo, I’m kinda in the middle of something, you know?”
Does she do it on purpose?
It’s sort of like a mish-mash between 3rd person and Livvy’s feelings, not so much about Livvy thinking these things. I don’t know if I’m explaining myself right.
Woods and forest aren’t the same thing? Goddamit thesaurus.com
Kind of a “this is madness” head shake with some “why are you asking about me when it was after you”
I’ll think about it but this is another one I can’t promise since you can already give incomplete answers and also something something CH6.
Horizon tends to do that a lot. I’m torn between explaining it and leave it as it is because that’s how they speak in my mind: their thoughts wander a lot while they are trying to analyze what’s going on and compare it with previous experiences, so I’m not sure about how much Newman should pick up on the inner workings of Horizon’s head.
Shit I meant motes.
*waits expectantly*
Once I finish CH6 I’ll overhaul CH5 with descriptions (it will be hell, but at least I know what to focus on thanks to your comments 
) You kick so much ass, Shark.
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love it! hope writing’s going well, can’t wait to play the full game 
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2 things, especially and specially are different, especially is used to single out one person or thing in a situation (“he despised them all, especially Sylvester”) or to show that something is to a great extent (“he didn’t especially like dancing”). Specially means for a special purpose (“they have been made specially for this boat”). Secondly, the woods are smaller than a forest.
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