Yeeeeeeee, I finally have the free time and access to my computer to read the thingy!!!
I’ll be back soon with my thoughts!
A’ight, let’s get in the nitty gritty.
The Good:
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Holy Jesus, I’m barely a year younger than the MC. It feels so weird for some inexplicable reason. Like…idk how to explain it. But I like it…
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I guess it feels a bit grounding? idk
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I like Johnathan and Mary’s little slice of life. I’d actually enjoy it if you expanded more on it, just to give a better idea of the type of sleepy lifestyle they led before the MC comes into their lives. idk I just really like little touches like that.
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I actually really like how the appearance selector is tied with the parents’ appearance. idk why I just like it for some reason. Maybe because it actually flows pretty smoothly with the narrative in comparison to other character create scenes?
The Bad:
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As has been mentioned, the decision for the MC to be adopted is quite abrupt, as is the decision to hide an alien spacecraft even when there’s totally evidence of something destroying the cornfield
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Personally, I say Pa Johnson should set fire to the cornfield, but I’m also delirious off of a lack of sleep, so take that suggestion with a grain of salt
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But specifically for the adoption decision, maybe you can have another scene where they’re at home and discuss the pros and cons of adopting a literal alien. And it’s not like you have to give choice to the player. It can just be a regular scene that pushes the narrative forward, like when the MC’s mom sends us off. It’s just nice to see characters act like real people, is all. That’s why I liked the spaghetti so much earlier. It just feels like something people would do.
The Fixable:
- I don’t think it’s necessary to put who’s POV it is. The reader learns it easily enough.
Overall, I like it.
This is definitely one scene that you can pad out to hell and back so that you don’t feel worried about length. There’s a bunch of little interactions or narrative moments you can give Johnathan and Mary on the ride home before the spaceship crashes, basically give the reader a nice little lull after the events of the prologue.
Then, if you give them a chance to deliberate about the baby and the spaceship and what they should do, it also increases the word count more to your liking and would be a perfect time to display their individual personalities in regards to what aspect takes priority in each of their minds.
Is Mary more worried for the well-being of the baby, is Johnathan reasoning more to do with the fact that it’s “the right thing” rather than more personal reasons? It’s just a good chance to introduce us to people who’ll be making such a big impact on our lives.
Overall, I enjoyed it and I’m eagerly looking forward to what you choose to do next.
4 Likes
I really liked the demo I always wanted to be a saiyan that was my childhood dream watching DBZ! 
Do you still need help deciding the stats? Cause I though of some that are superhero based stats. I hope I don’t make it difficult and help instead ;-;
Idealism vs pragmatism
Stoic vs passionate/emotional
Lawful vs lawless
Ruthless vs merciful
Honest vs deceptive
Dutiful vs rebellious
Selfish vs altruistic
Calculating vs impulsive
Admired/respected vs despised
I also agree with @rose-court the adoption part needs to be expended a bit more, it came very suddenly. Maybe first have them take the baby home to nurse it, feed it, have them theorize where it came from and then have them discuss the adoption with its pros and cons etc. I always found that weird in the superman origin they basically committed kidnapping omg
Aaand a little bug
“He has my hair color, black, Jonathan.”
My MC is a girl x3
1 Like
Yikes, I’ll get right on it as soon as I get back to work on the game itself as I’m still researching but thank you for pointing it out! And I agree with the adoption scene could use some more work on it as well so I’ll get on it too.
Okay since I’m a little halfway done with my researching, I gave this some serious consideration and I came to the realization that I probably would not be able to tell the story that I want in just one book since the plot I got in mind would be a bit too large to fit in one story so I may end up doing at least two or three books based on this. I know it’s not really encouraged at all but this just seems right to me to do this although I may be looking a bit too far ahead here.
5 Likes
I had a little free time so I got to expand a bit more on the characters you’ll be meeting later in the story, more specifically the team themselves so here are some details.
Summary
Enju
-Real Name: Makiko Yamamoto
-Female
-Age as of 2018: 26
-Genius-level intelligence (Brains of the team and second in command)
-Bisexual
Blur
-Real Name: Stephen Washington
-Male
-Super speed and military tactics (Formerly a soldier until a mishap occurred/The Heart of the team)
-Age as of 2018: 31
-Gay
Demolish
-Real Name: Logan Smith
-Mutant with super-strength and an ability to enter “Berserk Mode” (The Brawn of the team)
-Male
-Age as of 2018: 22
-Straight
K’Yors
-Female
-Unknown Age
-Unknown Abilities
-Considered a “Planet-Buster” level of danger
Lord Kann
-Male
-Conqueror of the known Universe
-Nihilist
-Unknown Age
-Unknown Abilities
-Widely considered across the Universe as a “Universe-Killer” level of danger
Hope you enjoyed these little details about them.
7 Likes
Fantastic characters.
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Thanks! I’m also planning on adding one more straight and LGBT ROs for both genders if anyone isn’t interested in romancing the team.
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Got some more free time today so here are some of the chapter titles I’ll give you for Valentine’s Day today. There’s 17 in total so here’s hoping I’ll be able to keep to the plan in my notebook.
Summary
Chapter Two: The Stargazer
Chapter Three: Revelations
Chapter Four: Angst
Chapter Five: Wherever I May Roam
Chapter Six: Through Disaster, New Allies
I already got the rest written down but you’ll find out the rest later. Happy Valentine’s Day everybody!
3 Likes
yeah, lets burn down some guy’s field and attract more attention to it. after all fire can alter the chucks of dirt that was destroyed by the spacecraft…kek kek jk jk jk
I haven’t slept for 2 days…send help
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Haha honestly I got that scene worked out a bit and it’s much more subtle than just setting fire to the cornfield. Plus Jonathan would literally screw over the poor farmer since the crops are basically their money if he set fire to it. But then again, having a spaceship crashing right into the middle would give the farmer a hit in the wallet.
Oh that reminds me, I might be able to put up the expanded Chapter One sometime soon when I’m finished writing Chapter Two. That may happen by the end of February or beginning of March, fingers crossed.
Hey guys, just wanted to let you all know that I got to expand on Chapter One where the Johnsons won’t be adopting you all of the sudden. There will be a discussion between the parents to see if they should or not. I’ll upload the revamped Chapter One once I get to write Chapter Two and finish it up.
But here’s the thing. I got another idea for a different game so I may be focusing a bit on that to get my impulsiveness out of the way and who knows? I might upload it to dashingdon next month as well.
7 Likes
Well bad news. My PC completely took a shit on itself so it’s not working at the moment but I took it to my friend yesterday to look over to see what’s the issue and fix it. I already made it clear with him not to touch any of the CSIDE files because I do not want to lose the progress I made and re-write it all over again so it’s hard to say when I’ll be able to have the PC fixed then update this. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Edited: Wanted to add that once I do get these issues with the PC fixed, I’ll just upload the revamped chapter one. Chapter two can wait while I work on my other idea that I mentioned briefly a while ago.
2 Likes
Oooof, I’m so sorry to hear that. 
I hope it’s an easy fix!
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Thanks!
Just noticed you got a birthday cake icon so happy birthday!
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Well more bad news. This project is going on hiatus for who knows how long due to the graphics card in my PC being dead. And I was told it’d be 100-1000 dollars and I don’t exactly have that kind of money around. So that means until I get a new one, this project won’t be updated, most likely for months.
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Oh man…I’m so sorry to hear that, Michael. Maybe you should summon a mod to lock the thread until then?
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“Save…Mary…!”
“Why did you say that name!?” Lol.
I dig it though, pretty cool so far.
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Thanks.
@moderators would you mind closing this thread since I’m not sure when I’ll be able to start work on this again. I’ll message you once I’m able to get the issues sorted out.
4 Likes