Well you did have the magical world start off with casually and successfully mind-raping an even mildly recalcitrant mc, so that already way surpasses Keepers attempted mind-rape. In addition you’ll also have us live with our mind-rapist and their family. How is that to be interpreted as anything other than dark?
As for the rest of it, yes everything seems on the up for the mc right now, possible incident with the compulsion magic aside. But we’ll know that’ll only last until they find out we’re not actually their chosen one and completely and utterly powerless to boot.
Well, I have tried to tone down the compulsion (you get slightly more of an explanation and a third chance to say yes, combined with more of an apology afterwards)…
It’s a bit better now, for now at least. As all of the good things seem to be contingent on us being the chosen one or at least having powers and the mc fails at both of those. So I assume once those particular cats are out of the bag things will get much, much worse again. Which will be yet another blow the mc.
At least they’ll apologize now for as long as the illusion that we’re the chosen one is maintained anyway so that’s actually more than what happens in Keeper.
It is better Birdie. Mara knows doesn’tfeel so much rage against the ransom guy. She could be fake being polite better after he at least have a minor decency
I’m certainly a fan of the more harsh-world theme you’re setting here. A fresh take on a protagonist who is practically useless yet still perseveres the challenges gives me a big underdog tale vibe. One thing in regards to the vices though, is how the MC would go about obtaining them. I understand stealing from a liquor store, but that obviously can’t always happen. The story states the only reason the MC hasn’t been caught is because they make sure not to stay in the same place for more than a couple days, but if they’re being regulated to attend a magic school, that would mean they’d need to stay in the same area, so stealing would eventually lead to being caught (I can’t see an area around a school having more than 4 corner stores around it), and I don’t believe the MC is a proficient thief if time says anything.
From what I read, it seemed the MCs life was stated to be almost amicable from the age of 10 (apparently there were some bad foster homes here and there, but there’s no details), and the orphanage wasn’t a place of friction for the MC. I don’t really know how old the main character was when they burned the house down or were sent to the abuser, but considering the narration states they’ve been through a (I assume) fairly long cycle of foster parents, and the fact that most fostering processes take like 4-6 months, I would assume the MC has grown probably 5+ years. So, at (lets roughly say) 14-16 years old, they burn down the house. They’re sent to the abuser to be rehabilitated in a sense. The narration describes this goes on for months until late July. I don’t think during any of this time there’s a necessity to steal, like when the MC goes hungry, and they certainly wouldn’t have been able to in the abusers household, so I’m unsure if the MC could pull off cig/liquor swipes out the door multiple times to fuel an addiction in the first place, and especially considering magic and the ability to mind control (what stops someone from simply influencing their mind to not be addicted?). It’s easy to say “well, like anywhere else, you just steal it,” but there’s no indication that the MC even has the ability to do that.
I’ve also worked as Loss Prevention and worked alongside police officers, and I can tell you that, especially in a community policing scheme, we attempt to put a harsh curb on child and adolescent thefts. It’s also quite easy to tell when a kid is hovering around the liquor area, or walks past it multiple times, considering most liquor is kept in a different aisle or separate from the rest of the beverages.
That was one of the only things I could really think of that was weird to me, or didn’t make much sense in that case. Sorry for the long spiel, I won’t do it again! That’s just one thing that struck out to me, but otherwise I really enjoy it and looking forward to more!
Haha, it was not my intention to derail the topic and I’ll take fault for that, I’ll end the discussion of that there. On another note, is it right to assume the world we’re living in has always had magic, and what exactly prevents people from seeing it? The MC requires their mind to be “opened” to this wonderful world, but will there be considerations of individuals who can force or train themselves to see it?
Went back and replayed it to see the changes, and I can’t help but end up with an mc that’s just completely apathetic, angry and with little care for what happens around them.
Feedback Re: “Mc’s experiences in social care” (Possible Spoilers)
Feedback
By mc’s standards uncaring is better than abuse, that’s true and it is also some pretty warped shit right there at the start. Essentially the mc didn’t get to bond with any kid or adult at time most kids most need it. That’s going to leave an impact about the same as on war orphans in UN refugee camps.
This is the one that really hammers home the mc’s warped frame of reference, imho.
The hippies were the best, yay! They were also small time criminals, yet still much better than all of the law abiding and supposedly “upstanding” pillars of the community the mc got foisted on before and after. This is hardly cause for celebration.
This is the mc’s new normal and it includes things such as this:
This is the mc’s “normal” it’s also still (attempted) assault on a minor on a regular basis.
It’s very much not natural that you blame little kids first, it just seems that way to the mc. And after that the worst of the abuse is just starting.
@idonotlikeusernames - I hope this fixes the issue for you. If not, please let me know.
Thanks, how did you get it past skynet? By removing the cutout? I hope the author won’t mind the open spoilers now.
It’s better anyway. The post is now out of order in the queue, but I don’t think anything can be done about that anyway.
Just add that’s it’s a reply to the post with the big spoiler by LeoXII and it should be golden again.
Well, it’s linked to my earlier post and is a direct reference to it using quotes, so I don’t think the order is off my much. It’s definitely still useful and points out a lot of good assessments!
Why are SO UGLY??? IS A TRAP you are sending us to a fashion crime forced camp not a Magical school . Seriously where capes were are mysterious complements.
Maybe Mara WANT kill uniform wirh fire?!!
Answer is hell YEAH
You have opportunity of get wild and design something Bold and original… this is generic uniforms from north Korea.
Imagine Saris… A cool Highland kilt that changes color A Silk Kimono A uniform made with magic ivy that is alive and sew itself each night. A Feather hat bonet that transforms in a peacock … MAGIC SCHOOL NOT TAX AUDITION UNIFORMS.
Edit Except if with the uniform you want dress people in something they all universally hates to make a point of the inexcusable abuse of uniforms in schools
I was giving him the benefit of the doubt by assuming this?
Yeah, but he’s British and seems to have some of the characteristic humour, so I assumed this was one of its manifestations and a silent complaint against his own nation’s ridiculous “school uniform” culture. After all lots of good and great literature means also to tackle some of the bigger, but certainly also smaller social issues of their time in such a way as to not run afoul of overzealous censors.
At least if you’re male and get white stockings and nice boots with properly fitting breeches of quality material the bottom half of the uniform should at least look somewhat dashing… The top half on the other hand…
I taken it face value. Like birdie seems asking genuinely our opinions. No idea internet don’t get well with satire and sarcasm.
Discworld had WONDERFUL magic clothing … I will pay for those weird nightgowns and Wizard hats in weirdness … But not north Korea uniforms. Is a magic school not tax school
Which will be yet another blow the mc. 
and seems to have some of the characteristic humour, so I assumed this was one of its manifestations and a silent complaint against his own nation’s ridiculous “school uniform” culture. After all lots of good and great literature means also to tackle some of the bigger, but certainly also smaller social issues of their time in such a way as to not run afoul of overzealous censors. 
The top half on the other hand…
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