The Honset Hour
Make sure you spell your own game’s title correctly.
Opened up your game and got this as the first line:
You didn’t ask for this.
Avoid cliches when possible. This sentence also has no meaning when it’s the first line.
Nobody did.
Also meaningless.
It found its way into your hands
Stock phrase. Also don’t be coy about what it is. The mystery here is not more interesting than the answer.
the same way a rumor does — passed along by someone who thought it was funny, before anyone understood what “funny” was going to cost.
This is a bone-rattlingly weak metaphor. Metaphors are also a bad idea to rely on when you still haven’t actually told us what it is in reality. By not revealing what the “thing” is, the reader is already in hypothetical-mode as they’re trying to piece together what the hell you’re talking about, and then adding a metaphor to that adds a second layer of abstraction to something that does not yet even exist! Stop being coy and cowardly with your introduction!
Also, try to avoid the use of em-dashes. I love them and use them all the time but there’s an unfortunate association they’ve picked up. Try not to slam the reader in the face with them in the first paragraph.
This is the story of one year. One app. One game that never once claimed to be fair, only honest.
Anaphoras are tricky because they often carry with them a sense of insincerity and melodrama. You really have to put in the legwork to earn them. You can’t just whip one out right at the start when you still haven’t even explained what the premise of your story is.
The sensationalism here hasn’t been earned.
Also, avoid negative parallelisms, at least at the very start of your game. Unfortunately they’ve got a bit of a reputation these days. Like anaphoras, you gotta earn them first.
You have a family. A little sister who still calls you every other day about nothing.
I’m about to give you the best writing advice you have ever received in your entire life.
The sister should call the main character every other day about something instead of nothing.
Four friends who’ve known you since before any of this.
The way you’ve made this list:
- family
- little sister
- four friends
… suggests either that the four friends are part of your family or that your little sister is not. You gotta be way more precise with your language and your choices on how you present this world.
And a phone in your pocket that, as of tonight, knows something about all of them that you didn’t put there yourself.
- This doesn’t actually tell the reader anything, and
- That’s true of phones in real life.
Like, the only concrete part of this story you’ve revealed so far is that it’s about a phone that knows secrets about its owner. But … uh … I hate to break it to you …
In Summary
First page gives the impression that your game
a) is so embarrassed by its own premise that you literally haven’t even explained it, and
b) more concerned with sensationalism than sincerity.
This was such a disappointing first impression, so powerfully underwhelming and frustrating, so devoid of any kind of hook to keep me going, that instead of reading on I just stopped there.
Please just explain in simple terms what your premise is and why people should be invested in your story. Explain what’s fun and interesting and cool and exciting about your story. Show us how excited you are to be showing us your work and how proud you are of all the little specific details that have fleshed out this world. Write with confidence and joy and show us your personality and your style and what makes you unique as a writer. That’s what I want to see and that’s what makes me excited to read.
