The Heir's Quest: Reclamation

Hosted Games Works In Progress
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I’ve begun work on my new game The Heir’s Quest:Reclamation. In it, you play as a 16 year old Prince/Princess of a kingdom formed some 2 generation ago. Both your parents died few years ago making you the last living descendant of your family. You are forced to escape because your cousin kills your elder brother, the current king. The rest of the story is how you reclaim your throne, find love or maybe even find yourself in a bigger jam than before.
Currently it’s about (8%, Prologue, 5139 Words) done, and I plan on updating as much as possible.

To play the demo, go here: https://dashingdon.com/play/ashwini/the-heirs-quest--reclamation/mygame/

Also this is my first time writing so I am eagerly looking forward to feedback and constructive criticism from all.

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Seems promising so far

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Also does the demo end after ‘no more question’ option?

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I find it’s too short to form an opinion but from the plot I am intrigued to see how it goes.

This is pretty dark, ruthless though… Which can be good for drama.

One suggestion is having save slot so reader can check every choice.

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Interesting premise

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Hello @Cryzhentia ,
thanks for suggestion. I am planning for a save system. Will implement it by the time I have completed Chapter 1

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Hello @Sambit_Mishra ,
Yes but this is not demo but rather entire prologue. It seems short but that’s because I have some large chapters planned for later.
You will get idea of average chapter size once Chapter 1 is published, which is already in progress

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Hello @Sambit_Mishra ,
I understood what you are saying now. Sorry, it seems mistake from my side for I mistakenly added old files. I have updated new file now

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It was a good start and I’m sad for Lily, that she died for us :cry: (MC is female in my play) I’m looking forward to kick our cousin’s butt :laughing:

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Cool concept! And congrats on getting started!

Since you didn’t make any notes about wanting any specific feedback, these are just some quick impressions and notes.

Summary

Starting with a dream is typically not a great choice unless it serves a real purpose. Are prophecy and prophetic dreams themes you’re tackling? Why is it a dream rather than just a memory? Why is the dream the best place to have gender select? Etc. These aren’t really questions I’m asking you; there just questions I suggest you ask yourself. I find a lot of people start things with dreams because they aren’t sure how else to start and that, in those cases, it rarely serves as well as another opening would. If a dream is how you want to start and it works for your story, cool, but since it’s still really short, I as a reader don’t have that reasoning yet (which is the only reason I bring it up).

[together, has always] together have always

[ago, The very nobles] ago. The or ago; the

[turned their daggers inward, betraying] I think this is to imply they assassinated him or at least had violent intent toward him, but if one turns their dagger inward, is the dagger not now facing the person holding it?

[She chose Yahar , a practice of self-immolation over surrender, her martial pride unyielding.] That’s badass. Sad for sure. But badass AF.

[Nervousness replaced annoyance. You reached for the sword propped against your bedside—the heirloom that whispered of lineage and duty and tie it to your waist. The weight of lineage rests uneasily upon your shoulders—the heir apparent, designated to succeed your elder brother, King Salour. Yet, Salour’s heart beats to a different rhythm—one of hedonism, courtesans, and wine. His days are a blur of indulgence, leaving little room for the weightier matters of the realm.] You have shifted tenses here. If you intend to write in present tense from this point, I suggest shifting to present tense at the beginning of this page, when you wake up: [And then, abruptly, you woke wake up, a beautiful dream shattered. Annoyance prickled prickles your skin…]

[",King Salour wishes to discuss…] I think you might have meant to have the pc’s name here?

[Penny, your haven of motherly love since your mother’s death, now wore a mask of worry. “Tell me,” you demanded.] Here you’ve shifted back in to past tense.

Penny and Alexander are absolutely unhinged omg “We have often sacrificed ourselves to protect the royal family” like yeah and I’d think y’all’d be tired of… dying? This is not a criticism, just a reaction. I was not expecting this family to go to such lengths.

[hers parents or hers enemy] her; actually the farther I go, the more of these I notice. I assume you’re using code to do Lily’s pronouns, but I’d do a pass for it because a lot of them are off.

Overall: I’d do a pass for Lily’s pronouns and for tense shifts. I think it would be good to get some time with Big Bro before he’s killed? Or some memories of him later maybe? Idk, something to make him feel like a person and not just a plot point. But I always love a good “royal bastard/(re)taking the throne story” so I’m here for it. Thanks for sharing it and good luck on your first chapter! :slight_smile:

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Interesting premise before that tho you forgot to mark it as updated I think because if you go to dashingdon it’s not their you can only access it thru the link

Now on to the game
1.have you consider expanding the prologue I imagine you do being it’s only 5k but like a good 40k words atleast added to before this would be good or atleast a class your character takes before the events that maybe you can skip but just for background information on the world and atleast one day of normal life of your character just to know the other characters
2.i get that it is the first post but the reactions by your character are unchangeable for example the servants reaction to your plan(im not naming anything to not spoil) a simple decision to try to protest would be nice
And your characters overall personality is the kind I would make them be but I could see other people not liking it
3.why was the firstborn made the heir if he ran the first day of the siege I don’t know the kingdoms view but it seems pretty warlike your father had wars your mother was a martial artist and I don’t know the kingdoms view on it but it seems martial and would see like they would pick the heavily duty focused 2nd born heir (and yes I know it’s a monarchy so they wouldn’t chose but still) that someone who by all accounts should be treated as if he committed treason (you know because I imagine running the first day of a siege would be treason in this kingdom) and yes he was the firstborn but it also seems like the quean at the time was pretty smart so would probably along with the firstborns reputation and the fact he ran would proclaim the second born as heir no?
Besides that it’s a good premise and seems interesting

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Good potential, I see that the author was inspired by the Rajputs from the mentions of sacrifice, self immolation etc. I think the prologue is too packed, like with the recap on past events + the escape from the palace. Maybe the characters could be fleshed out more by having the recap take the whole of the prologue and have the escape occur in Chapter 1 (Just a suggestion). And the use of words like protocol and operation seem out of place in a medieval setting. All in all its a good start.

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I think instead of Protocol or Operation, King’s Order/Crown Edict/Kingdom or Imperial Decree would be better sounded and worded considering the background.

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Hello @levviathan,
Thanks for such detailed feedback. You have pointed out some valid points and much food for thought. Especially related to wrong english. I will try to rectify them as much as possible by the time Chapter 1 is released.

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Hello @Lucifur-dark ,
You have some quite interesting points. As for how much that changes Prologue… well I would say wait for chapter 1 as I will update both together along with some back history and maps for reference.

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Hello @WarArtist ,
Yes the choice of words is somewhat weird, I will change them with appropriate words soon.
As for expanding them, :thinking: :thinking: :thinking: could be done but two separately don’t have enough content to cover two chapters even if I expand on character narration

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Short but promising. I think you can add more to the description of the game like a short blurb about the setting and what RO’s we might have or other important characters we might encounter. I also definitely think we should have a longer prologue I think something from a few years before everything happened maybe a day where our character goes to their daily classes that way we can decide what our character is and is not good at and in the evening of that day we spend time with our family or any other key characters that might or might not be important I think we should have more opportunities to put personality in the character like what if when Lilly takes our place there’s an option to understand and not mind?(just an example) Also I have no idea how old our character is did I miss something? Do we get to choose what our character looks like?

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Sounds interesting poor brother haha

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Hello @Xarena ,
Thanks for your feedback. I am currently expanding prologue adding more back information to help people understand the background of our MC. Earlier I was planning to add that information to Chapter 1 but after receiving feedback from people here on this thread I decided to add in Prologue.
As for RO’s, I will publish that as the story moves for the characters will be introduced at various stages and adding about them now I believe will ruin the suspense. Or maybe I think I will add about them in Chapter 1 even if they are introduced at later stage.
Already we are adding to character of the MC by deciding how we deal with the escape situation but As for opportunity to add more personality to the character? :thinking: :thinking:
Good Food for thoughts

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Very cool. So do we get to decide what our character looks like? And how old is our character?

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