The Golden Rose: Book One by Ana Ventura

[Anathema]

Finished Chapter 6!

“Sometimes, why we do things is only clear once we do them.”

Finished writing, editing and coding Chapter 6! The game stands at one million and twenty-two thousand words - code excluded.

We reached the million! It’s not a milestone I had planned, but it’s a milestone all the same. One that I am… dazed to have met. This chapter is the biggest of them all, mainly because it is the meeting point of a lot of threads. A lot of variables. If the Rose was a giant river, then Chapter 6 is the spot where all the affluents meet. With its treacherous waters and deadly currents and foam splashing you in the face.

It was a big effort to write, but as I had expressed before, an effort I was very glad to make. I’m really pleased with how it turned out! And now that the rapids are behind, I can safely sail my way into the ocean.

Because that’s the next step, Chapter 7. The last chapter of book one. Just one more, you guys!

I’ll be taking a few days off writing, but the goal is to finish the first draft of Chapter 7 before the end of the month.

---

I’d like to share this amazing fanart Vvrgo (Tumblr) made of the Theer twins! They look so good.

I hope February has been treating you kindly.

[AChubbyBlackCat]

Congrats at reaching a million words! That is amazing!

[hilite]

I don’t know if this was asked before, but how many books do you plan for this series to have?

[Mistyleaf123]

congrats! a million words is a lot!

[Takashi_Shin]

Beautiful artwork and a gratulations on the progress you made

[Takashi_Shin]

Why can’t a bloody heretic go to a bar because they’re all out Bloody Mary
( what’s with me today I can’t stop making jokes I’ve been making jokes ever since I’ve been reading joke books I need a medical evaluation)

[Pandaren]

@Anathema Congratulations on reaching a milli.

Me & Rayvyn can’t wait to play this.

Rayvyn smiles seductively and waits for Alessa to appear.

Me: RAYVYN…

[Jender]

I am so proud of you, congrats! It has been a pleasure to watch this story grow - cannot wait until it’s published!!!

[Anathema]

Thank you so much for the support, everyone!

@hilite

I don’t know if this was asked before, but how many books do you plan for this series to have?

I’ll copy-paste my previous reply!

It was initially planned to be a trilogy! But I already had to move back the cut off point between book one and two since the word count grew astronomically. The story stays exactly the same, it’s just that the first book ends at an earlier part.

I’ll still try to make it a trilogy, but who knows? I want to tell a story, so I’ll write as many books as I have to until I do.

[Mumbles]

I rarely comment on these and usually prefer to lurk but I just had to say something. The demo so far, my goodness, is amazing and I’ve replayed countless times. Sadly, I’ve only really limited my playthroughs to the Alessa romance but bonding with Hadrian and Billy is feels like just as much effort was put in. The variety in defining the MC personality and even some routes was definitely a treat to experience and has me looking to playing differently rather than repeating the same playthrough over and over again. Perfect example is how Hadrian and Alessa react to an MC who is flippant and charming vs one who is aggressive and stoic. I just want to say bravo and i cannot wait for release of this

[ArchivistAlpha096]

Yay, more chapters. Need to go back through and see if I can befriend the thief girl again anyway. The Guard seemed a bit of a dick really.

[Karenira]

Had a free afternoon, so I decided to re-read. I ended up creating a rather long list of spelling errors. You might find it useful for editing. Now, you can take some of those comments with a grain of salt, because I’m not a native speaker of English, but I’m 99% sure that there are places in the text where some of words are mispronounced. Sometimes it’s a very small issue, but sometimes the end result is pretty funny. Or maybe a year of working from home seriously messed with my sense of humour.

Chapter 1 - not much to edit here, thankfully.

Missing " at the beginning of the sentence.

Slightly more problems in chapter 2.

Chapter 2:

“unarmed” (sadly, the MC wasn’t unharmed for much longer )

I think you meant “strap” here.

And Chapter 3:

Chapter 3

procession

I think you’ve missed Oxford comma here.

“Nearness”.

“The least of all”.

Ah, yes. The first one is pretty funny (scolding water shouldn’t surprise me in an inn ruled by Master Vaughn). Try “the scalding hot water”, instead.
The second underlined word doesn’t sound right to me in this context. I’d use “submerge” instead, but I’m not 100% certain. Feel free to ignore that one.

“Mess”.

It’s doubled here. Either “That’s” or “it’s”, but never both of them in the same sentence.

The rest of the sentence should be in the same line.

“Stop”.

A coding mistake here. You used variables ‘dark’ and ‘brown’ earlier to describe two types of skin tone.

Something’s missing here. Probably “it”.

“its”

Actually, above mentioned problem repeats for all weapons.

“supper’s”.

And, finally, Chapter 4. Apologies, I didn’t mark which branch of Chapter 4.

Chapter 4

“Muzzle” and “its”.

Again: “muzzle”.

Adding ‘she’ here might be appropriate: “as she mends”.

“is supposed to be”.

’bout. Apostrophe is missing here.

Same as before.

And more of the same.

Perfect vantage point, that’ll surely give them an advantage.

Yeah, same as before.

Either: “it would be frustrating” or “you would be frustrated”.

I love Albert and his wife. Anyway, it’s possible that certain song influenced me too much (I cannot unhear it) but I’m not sure if coins can be passed in English. Again, sounds slightly off to me. They can definitely be tossed though.

“Noble”.

Continuity error: We weren’t introduced yet, his name wasn’t mentioned earlier either.

“Finds”.

“Peasant”.
Also, one small thing: the revelation that our favourite twins are Theers. The game recognizes it if the MC saw them earlier in the cathedral. Then, the text reflects that the MC already knows, but then the text focuses on how shaken the MC is. It’s very believable in case the MC didn’t visit the cathedral, but the reaction is a little too forceful if the MC had some time to process that information earlier, at least for me.

“would be so”

Unnecessary full stop.

I’d switch places of ! and ? : “?!”.

Full stop is missing here.

Other thoughts after another playthrough

• There’s one small thing that surprised me during this playthrough. In case the MC successfully persuaded Beka to talk, and then refused her deal, it’s possible to reach this:
  

  
  
  and this:
  
  
  
  And let’s just say that my jaw dropped here. Earlier, the MC successfully reasoned with Beka, then chose to not tell her Rafael’s name, but also didn’t help the guard that came next. Quite the contrary: the MC lied that Beka intends to leave the city. I was certain that it will cause a game where the MC can’t call any favours: not from the little thief, and definitely not from the guard. A neutral ending like when the MC decided to release Beka without bothering to talk with her. Was it intentional?

• Shouldn’t conversation about Vulcan during the Devil’s Bridge chapter cause some small increase of Lore? MC doesn’t learn much, true, but it’s still some knowledge: his name, his connection to fire, the fact, that the head was part of some kind of altar.

• A small thing here:
  

  
  
  Would it be possible to ignore the man here? Even if it would be only a fake choice?

That was… longer that I thought.

Congrats on another milestone!

[Anathema]

First of all, thank you so much for this!! Typos and grammatical errors are definitely what I think I’ll need the most help with once I open the private beta. The game is turning out so big, I just can’t hope to catch them all by myself, no matter how many playthroughs I do.

So I really, really appreciate this. I know how time-consuming it is. T_T

As for specifics:

@Karenira

“ unarmed ” (sadly, the MC wasn’t unharmed for much longer )

God, the “unharmed” mistake is one I repeat a lot. There are some English words my brain, for some unexplainable reason, switches with others. Below and bellow is another of those examples. Thumb and tomb. Gate and gait. Muzzle and nuzzle. I need to search through the entire game files one of these days to correct it.

@Karenira

I’m not sure if coins can be passed in English. Again, sounds slightly off to me. They can definitely be tossed though.

Damn it, I was trying to avoid it But I agree that “pass a coin” sounds awkward. I’ll either reword the entire sentence or just… toss a coin to your mercenary, it shall be.

@Karenira

It’s very believable in case the MC didn’t visit the cathedral, but the reaction is a little too forceful if the MC had some time to process that information earlier, at least for me.

Ah, definitely agree with you here. The MC already had their mini-meltdown at the cathedral, they don’t need to go through it again. I’ll re-read the scene and try to make it flow better.

@Karenira

A neutral ending like when the MC decided to release Beka without bothering to talk with her. Was it intentional?

Absolutely. There are 3 outcomes to this encounter: Beka is loyal to you, the guard captain promises you a repay, or you are neutral to them both. All of these outcomes will result in different scenes, different allies and, possibly, different companions.

@Karenira

Shouldn’t conversation about Vulcan during the Devil’s Bridge chapter cause some small increase of Lore?

Again, you’re right. I’m very… bad with the game aspect of this. I often forget about stats and such. I’ll add a small Lore boost!

@Karenira

Would it be possible to ignore the man here? Even if it would be only a fake choice?

I’ll add it, but it will be a fake_choice. If you go to the market, I’m afraid you’ll have to face Father Bertrand, the priest not a priest.

Thank you, again, Karenira!

[Dartknight]

@Anathema

Damn it, I was trying to avoid it But I agree that “pass a coin” sounds awkward. I’ll either reword the entire sentence or just… toss a coin to your mercenary, it shall be.

“Flip a coin to your mercenary”
“Throw a coin to your mercenary”
“Fling a coin to your mercenary”
“Tip a coin to your mercenary”?

Just some suggestions.

[Isabella_Taylor]

But “toss a coin to your mercenary” would be a great Witcher reference

[Karenira]

@Anathema

There are 3 outcomes to this encounter: Beka is loyal to you, the guard captain promises you a repay, or you are neutral to them both.

But shouldn’t the situation where I don’t employ Beka and refuse to say anything helpful to the guard result in a neutral outcome too? I somehow ended up with a favour from the guard.

@Anathema

I’ll add it, but it will be a fake_choice. If you go to the market, I’m afraid you’ll have to face Father Bertrand, the priest not a priest.

Thanks, that’s enough for people wanting to be difficult.

@Anathema

Thank you, again, Karenira!

Always happy to help.

@Dartknight

Flip a coin to your mercenary”
“Throw a coin to your mercenary”
“Fling a coin to your mercenary”
“Tip a coin to your mercenary”?

My collocation dictionary refuses cooperation. It lists either “toss” or “flip” as verbs describing coins, but imo flipping is when we throw a coin to see on which side it will fall. I’d probably use simple ‘throw’ if I wanted to avoid ‘toss’. It’s a nice Easter egg though.

[Kirlett]

Please, petition to keep the Witcher reference

[Meira_Litch]

I mean, if you sing it as “toss a coin to your meErc” (so like, extending that e sound lol) it does fit with the tone of the original song and I am HERE for it.

Also may I just say how you are absolutely insane going over the million words already? Big congratulations on that!

[Anathema]

@Karenira

But shouldn’t the situation where I don’t employ Beka and refuse to say anything helpful to the guard result in a neutral outcome too? I somehow ended up with a favour from the guard.

The Captain offers her favor because of how her men have behaved. If the guards attack you, and you don’t defend Beka, then she considers you a victim of a slight made under her care.

So, in her mind, she owes reparations. It has nothing to do if you help her find Beka or not, although of course, her approval is higher if you do.

@Kirlett

Please, petition to keep the Witcher reference

Now I have to put it!

“Oh yes, Albert dear,” you drawl as you get up in a fluid motion, standing straight. Your fingers tap restlessly along your belt until they touch the hardened leather of your scabbard. “Toss a coin to your mercenary.”

Your voice is light and casual, but your toes bounce you up and down, and your eyes are piercing as they rest on the fat old man. If he dares…

The woman yelps, pulling on her husband’s arm almost violently. “Ah, Albert! It is speaking with us,” she shrills, the sound gazing on your nerves. “And it called itself a mercenary!”

The man lets himself be shaken. “Indeed it seems so, dear,” he looks at you, his head bouncing left and right. “And I do believe this mercenary is not too happy. Not happy at all.”

[Azraeel]

Toss a coin too your mercenary,
Oh valley of relics