It’s taken far to long for me to compose this response but it has given me time to think. Charllotte isn’t really a big thing. An ill thought out whim brought about by jealousy over Callum. This one sided physical attraction would only really make sense to me and the idealised version of her I have in my head. There are a few ways a single deviation from my ideal would make me hate her and hating her isn’t a reason to lose interest in this one. All I do know is…it’s complicated.
I might like Kira. Just like Charlotte I won’t know for sure until you introduce them properly.
So on that note I’ll just slink off back to the shadows and leave you in peace.
It might shock some people to learn that I am not actually a historian, and my notions of what is or is not historically plausible are therefore suspect.
With that being said, I do actually have some thoughts on how the Purge might have occurred that would help explain how magic could so easily be forgotten. This probably won’t be directly addressed in-game until Chapter IV or later, though.
I really enjoyed this demo, but I do have two things I want to mention:
When the MC took the balance attitude (third option) on taking Callum’s pendant, the story still goes like the MC thinks the pendant is amazing somewhat, instead of taking a balanced attitude like I picked. This even follows after death. (I will get a few mentions as I replay in a bit)
The choices are a bit… muffled on Valerie. With the obvious one being the “I’m done” option with the ending of the demo. I played a MC who hates magic after his death but would rather stay quiet about it, yet the option to disband from Valerie is greyed out. Maybe add more choices that fits the situation than Valerie? My MC would know that Valerie means well, but would rather stay away from magic regardless if he could.
I think I’m gonna have to wait for more specifics on this one because I’m not really sure what you’re referring to here. It might be worth mentioning that regardless of their opinion on magic, the MC will always respect its power and be willing to use it when necessary. The feeling of calm that the pendant instills in you is also inherent to the magic being used, and not necessarily indicative of your actual attitude. But if the story is actively telling you that you think magic is great and wondrous, then yeah, that shouldn’t be happening.
This has been brought up before, and an option to feel reluctant about working with Valerie without hating the person herself will be added in the next update.
I replayed it and the first point is basically what you mentioned. Whoops, my bad.
But I found two stuff!
Dyren stares at his dagger for many long moments, a sober look in his eye. Then, in the same moment, you glance at each other and stand;
I don’t know about this one but something looks wrong here. Would it be “You and Dyren glance at each other”?
"Look, I’ve got 95% of the admission fee right here, so you know, really, if you think about it, I’ve paid to see 95% of the museum, right?
It’s generally advised to avoid putting numbers in if a character is saying numbers (with exceptions, such as a brand), it should be written as ‘ninety-five percent’. But with it also gives multiple ways someone can pronounce numerals like 120 for example: One-twenty, one hundred and twenty, hundred-twenty, and so on. Adds a bit of personality too!
Wow, this is absolutely amazing! Your words really drew me in, I forgot this was a demo, haha. You describe everything beautifully, your actions scenes are dynamic and you displayed a particular grasp or emotion that made me feel for all the characters involved.
In my opinion, this demo offers the reader a unique perspective on life; both as a ghost, unable to interact with the living world, and a spectator to the the world’s irrevocable change over hundreds of years. Your depictions of humanity’s understanding of history reminds me of a game of Chinese Whispers, in which the truth is distorted from exposure. Which, if course, remains true to reality.
You should be proud of yourself, this was incredibly gripping. Additionally, the large amount of background and information you provided was never boring or tiring to read.
In short, I really like this and can’t wait for more - in your own time, of course!
I ended up enjoying this far more that I had initially expected too. Not only to we get to play as a ghost, but, characters feel very real and alive here (except us! Hahaha…cause we’re a ghost, get it…?) I feel like the intro was exactly the right length and really fleshed our our character and the history for the world of this WIP, which isn’t something many others do so I really appreciated it here. And the prospect of being soul bound to an eccentric mage, caught up in some kinda magic mystery? That’s awesome, I can’t wait to see the rest!
I am currently up to 12,884 words in Chapter I-2, of which ~9700 is one long conversation, and almost 6000 of which is a single enormous dialogue tree. No, I did not add an extra 0 to those numbers. For reference, the entirety of Chapter I-1 is 11,733 words.
So, yeah, somehow the obligatory “get to know Valerie” segment ballooned into a colossal debrief on basically every scrap of information Valerie has ever known about anything you could ever think to ask her. No, I don’t know why I’m like this.
(Incidentally: if you’re concerned about information overload—or you’re That One Guy Who Hates Valerie—don’t fret! Most of it is optional, supplementary/worldbuilding material that you don’t strictly need to understand the main story.)
I still have at least one major scene left to write (the Farah introduction), but given that this subchapter is already longer than any of the previous ones, I’m thinking about moving the other major scene I had planned (the “ghost attack” I allude to at the end of the current build) into Chapter I-3, to balance the scales a bit. We’ll see. Either way, I’m confident I can push something of respectable length out on the 12th, as promised.
In other news, it is becoming increasingly difficult to not let Valerie use big words like “equivalent” or “affiliation” (for fear of sounding articulate, and therefore out of character), so I’m basically just going out of my mind right now, waiting for the chapters with Cortez in them so I can speak like an educated adult and exercise that high-school-graduate level vocabulary that I’m apparently proud of for some reason.
Also, in the process of writing dialogue for Valerie I spontaneously invented a character called Magus Legless that did not exist before. This is now canon.
As a brother to 4 other guys, the brother/close friend story line is very compelling to me, I really feel it when a story plays on betrayal of someone dear to you, whom you have a deep platonic bond with. The Count of Monté Cristo came to mind for me when reading the first half of your demo here. Can’t wait to see where this goes!
This is good. I hope that I can play as “shoulder devil”, always saying You should kill him. Steal that, burn that house. What I mean I want to be giant pain in her neck.
Ha, challenge accepted! I’ve only read a small portion of the first chapter so far, but I feel like this is definitely going to be my type of story! Betrayed by a close friend? A diverse cast of ROs? Also a mysterious witch gal and a ghost guy? Sign me up! I’ve already bookmarked it, let’s see if it’s up to par with what I’ve expected And is it bad if I say I got a thing going on for Callum? Like damn… I actually liked him from his character description why he gotta do us dirty like that
I was joking when I told everyone to discuss Magus Legless, but you are apparently the only person willing to humor me in any meaningful way, so just for that I will reveal some exclusive info and confirm that Magus Legless is, in fact, somewhat crotchety (despite being in his 40s).
Thank you for your participation in this completely inconsequential topic and I hope I can count on your contributions in the future.
Your praise is very flattering, but the amount of empathy you express in your post is a little concerning. Have any of your brothers killed you and/or thousands of other people? Should I be worried about you?
Not sure about all that. You can advocate for more extreme options sometimes, when they’re warranted, but the MC is inherently written as somebody who is never pointlessly cruel.
The “pain the neck” thing is valid, though.
Yes. But don’t worry, you’re definitely not alone in feeling that way!
Also: for those that missed it, update is coming tomorrow! It’s a whole lot of talking to Valerie, so those of you who like her have something to look forward to!
Moments of levity are big opportunities for the MC to ask questions about the modern world they wouldn’t have been able to ask previously. Off the top of my head, to someone so ancient beverages like “bubble tea” probably look very odd… There’s room for some shenanigans now that the MC can explore with greater focus.
Also, if we don’t enter a room upside down from the ceiling, we’re missing out.
I figured giving you the choice of at least one good hand was the least I could do before taking both away, along with the entire rest of your body and also everyone and everything you love.
So you’re welcome.
Well, one thing you have to remember is that the MC didn’t just suddenly wake up in modern times like in a lot of these “displaced in time” stories. They’ve actually been around to see a lot of these things develop (or at least, the progression of technology and trends in general). Their understanding of how they actually work would be limited, of course, being that they can’t physically interact with or talk about any of it, but they wouldn’t necessarily be unfamiliar with a lot of modern inventions.
That’s why I’m a little hesitant to delve too deep into the “oh my god what is this newfangled technology” territory some people might be accustomed to seeing in this sort of story. To be honest, I’m still not 100% sure how I want to approach that topic in general—we will see if/when there ends up being a good opportunity to discuss the intricacies of the MC’s unique experience with innovation and progression just sort of happening around them. I’m thinking that might be a little too high-concept for Valerie, honestly.
Something to discuss with Merrow, perhaps?
Whoa, let’s not blow all our best ideas in Chapter I, okay. Let’s maybe save that feature for the DLC.
That’s a good take. This is more of an as you go question to be pondered over time, rather than making a decision all at once. As you say, it could add a bit more flavor when conversing with the other characters.
Magic more than anything else is probably something the MC will be most curious about in the short term given their knowledge of how it was treated. Definitely looking forward to that conversation with Valerie, though being self-taught is pretty indicative of how informative her views on magic are likely to be.
And is it bad if I say I got a thing going on for Callum? Like damn… I actually liked him from his character description why he gotta do us dirty like that 
Thank you.
