When MC wakes up from the nightmare they’re referred to as male
I also notice along with the pronoun issue you keep switching from first person to third person and it’s confusing.
have to rewrite some scenes but by the next update it will be fixed
There is an issue if you explore the lore and try to go back to main stats. The game crashes because of non-existent intelligence - that is, Intelligence variable not created in startup file. You should either create intelligence or remove that variable. And the code for returning to main stats is strange. It goes like this:
*stat_chart
percent Agility
percent Defense
percent Strength
opposed_pair Demonic
Angelic
opposed_pair Cunning
Honor
*label main
*choice
#Character Info
*goto character_info
#Game Lore
*goto game_lore
#Items
*goto items
#Back to Main Stats
*goto main_stats
*label main_stats
Different stat chart with non-existent variable.
when it should probably go like this:
*label main_stats
*stat_chart
percent Agility
percent Defense
percent Strength
opposed_pair Demonic
Angelic
opposed_pair Cunning
Honor
*label main
*choice
#Character Info
*goto character_info
#Game Lore
*goto game_lore
#Items
*goto items
#Back to Main Stats
*goto main_stats
The game can’t decide if it refers to MC in 3rd (ususlly as young man) or 2nd person (sometimes with capitalized You).
The choice between challenging MC brother head on and outmaneuvering him using shadow techniques doesn’t affect stats (despite seemingly fitting for honor/cunning meter). The battle sequence is the same one, with shadow techniques, for both choices.
There you choose athletic body type, there should be *set defense +5 instead of **set defense +5. And choosing this option produces words repetition: “Your body is athletic, a perfect balance of strength and agility. You are capable of powerful strikes as well as swift maneuvers. **set defense +5 You consider your athletic physique, understanding how it complements your skills and enhances your abilities.”
After many pages of referring to MC as a male, the gender choice finally appears. Maybe it should be somewhere earlier.
MC father, suppusedly a high-ranking noble, has no manners and spits on the ground.
When the road ahead is blocked, there is no point in rying to fing another way other than Haunted forest, and it doesn’t affect any of the stats, either, so why is that choice even there?
If you have opposed pairs of some some attributes, like angelic and demonic, you don’t need to create 2 separate variables for them, or else the pair wouldn’t display correctly on the stat screen. I’ve chosen some nicer options which give angelic stat, but demonic/angelic pair stays 50/50. That’s because that pair actually tracks the 1st stat, demonic, and assigns remaining % to angelic. If you want this pair to display correctly, instead of keeping 2 stats for each pair, like this:
You encounter a crying baby.
*choice
#Eat the baby to shut it up.
*set demonic +5
*goto baby_eater
#Comfort the baby gently.
*set angelic +5
*goto comfort
#Remind the baby of the honor of their noble house.
*set honor +5
*goto honorable_baby
#Thick the baby into giving you important information.
*set cunning +5
*goto clever_interrogation
*label baby_eater
*if angelic > 50
This goes against your saintly nature. You can't proceed, your father's harsh words about your weakness echoing in your mind.
*if demonic > 50
Your jaws work with swiftness and precision, silencing the baby forewer. Your demonic nature growls inside you, like a darewolf.
leave only 1, like this:
You encounter a crying baby.
*choice
#Eat the baby to shut it up.
*set demonic +5
*goto baby_eater
#Comfort the baby gently.
*set demonic -5
*goto comfort
#Remind the baby of the honor of their noble house.
*set cunning -5
*goto honorable_baby
#Thick the baby into giving you important information.
*set cunning +5
*goto clever_interrogation
*label baby_eater
*if demonic < 50
This goes against your saintly nature. You can't proceed, your father's harsh words about your weakness echoing in your mind.
*goto traumatic_flashback
*elseif demonic > 50
Your jaws work with swiftness and precision, silencing the baby forewer. Your demonic nature growls inside you, like a darewolf.
*goto indigestion
*elseif cunning <= 50
Maybe it would be more honorable to give this baby a lecture about harsh, unforgiving nature of your kingdom?
*goto lecture
*else
It is smarter to take the baby hostage instead.
*goto hostage_baby
The choice between entering the kitchen and the dining area should be more transparent, something like this:
*choice
#Go to the kitchen to poison bandits' food.
*goto kitchen
#Go to the dining area and fight the bandits directly.
*goto dining_area
When MC goes to the kichen and encounter a terrified woman cooking for bandits, MC promises “I’ll fix this,” then commands her to deliver poisoned food to bandits. So more like “You, a civilian woman, go to scary bandits and fix this, while I, a trained warrior, stay here.”
Your family didn’t reveal the secrets of your blade to you, but, luckily, a random village healer can teach you.
No matter if you go to the Dragonite lady to dance or to drink, you’ll get romance_seraphina +10. There is no option to befriend her instead of romancing, or to avoid interaction with her.
If you decide to fing clues about the thief after she disappears, MC finds a mysterious token, but the game won’t remember this, because there isn’t any variables corresponding to the token. If you want this clue to matter later in the story, create a variable (something like *create thief_token false) and set it to “true” when the token is found.
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It kind of takes you out of the immersion to have the gender and pronouns set so late. An easy fix I feel would be to rewrite that beginning pov as her brother so you don’t have to rewrite it. Also I think the name prompt is a little awkward, it doesn’t really make sense for our mother to ask what our name is.
2 Likes
The gift from MC sister:
“It’s a pendant of protection,” your sister explained, her voice filled with pride. “Whenever you wear it, it will shield you from harm and amplify your strength in times of need. But that’s not all…”
Your sister’s eyes sparkled with mischief as she continued, "I infused it with a special enchantment. Whenever someone tries to harm you or your loved ones, the ring will resonate with your emotions…
So, is it a ring or a pendant? Or are there 2 items?
When MC talks to the village healer and he knows about Eclipse family poison resistance, MC wonders: “How do you know of House Eclipse?” Well, didn’t MC say earlier the village is under Eclipse estate? Of course the know something about their lords?
When inviting the Drogonite lady to dance:
“And what makes you think I’m interested in dancing with you?”
You lean in slightly, a confident smirk on your lips. “Because I don’t take no for an answer.”
One, wow, that is a line for a somewhat evil character. Maybe you should add a choice with different variants of responce. Two, why is this princess from a proud warrior race going along with this line of flirting and isn’t trying to assert her authority? She could refuse outright, or retake the initiative by leading in the dance and using juuust a little bit of her fire magic to burn MC hands.
The POV-switching curse strikes again, this time its target is Moris the Vase-Throwing Brother. I, for once, would have preferred to stay out of this dude head and stick to 3rd porson POV for his section.
This prologue is getting long. You could separate it into several chapters.
Heh, the Umbra capital city seems interesting, even if this part is a little too linear.
So was this dead heir’s name Emeric, Emirik or Emerik?
This scene about reliving your fears with a potion - maybe you could elaborate on what exactly our MC fears. Is it their father? Death of their mother and sister? Becoming a traitor like their grandpa? Losing to Moris in a vase-throwing competition? A choice here would be welcome. Maybe the way to overcome the fear could also be a choice, instead of defaulting to shadow magic. Does MC reject their dad’s ideas? Focuses on the pendant gifted by their sister? Reasserts their honor in the face of this treacherous world? Imagines Moris losing a rhetoric competition to prince Corvus?
The door creaks open, and you step inside.
“Welcome to the Arcane Citadel,” she says, her tone leaving no room for nonsense.
Makes it look like she is a door.
The following description of the journey through the Citadel is redundant, there was very similar one when Silas the Poisonous Elf showed the place to MC. And then he shows MC the Citadel, again!
The thief’s token reappears, even if MC went back to the tavern and never found it.
Another POV switch! That’s too many switches to keep the immersion into MC role. This time it’s some guy named Valerian? I assume it’s MC father, but his name was never mentioned before, so it’s a little confusing.
So lord Alistair from before is a family friend. So that’s why he asked MC to take care of his daughter.
“I would not like to set foot in Noctis Palace ever again. That place is filled with treachery and falsehoods. That’s why I sent Moris. He’s capable, though he carries a heavy burden.”
Moris was late to the meeting because he had too much sex and took extra long to get dressed just to annoy his guards. He is clearly not as capable as dear father thinks. Oh, that’s his POV again.
What’s the point of this drinking competition with Rolf? And a game of blackjack?
Moris enters a brothel and sees the large man forcefully dragging the silver-haired woman into a room. Moris’s blood boils, and he knows he has to act. Judging by his previous behavior, I’ve assumed he wants to assault this poor woman before the large man does, but no, Moris the Walking Anger Issues is a good, generous guy now.
Now it’s the thief’s POV?! Too many POV switches!
In fact, the info from these other POVs let us learn:
- What the capital city and its court are like - kind of interesting;
- Moris the brother has anger issues - that was obvious from the beginning;
- Moris also has a drinking problem, can’t back down from meaningless competitions, likes to laugh at people and visit brothels - too much page space dedicated to this;
- Moris does all these things because he is burdened by the responsibility and he presumably has a hidden generous side - maybe kind of interesting, but hard to believe because of his previous assholish behavior;
- What is not included in those POV swiches is, for some reason, the promised rivalry between MC and Moris - they don’t think about each other, they don’t follow the same goals, they are in completely different locations.
- Dear old dad thinks Moris is capable and doesn’t think about our MC - the 1st thing is funny and the second is unsurprising;
- Lord Alistair is MC dad’s friend and came to discuss the murder of Emeric of Many Names - the 1st thing could be revealed when MC met him (and would have explained “take care of my daughter” bit right away), the 2nd we’ve already knew because he told it to MC;
- There is some sinister secret plan behind the scenes, something what we should have already noticed from the murder of Emirik-Emeric and the fact that the thief escaped from MC earlier.
In short, I suggest adding more meaningful character-driven choices to the MC POV and cut other POVs to bare minimum. The thief’s and Dad’s parts seem entirely unnesesary, and Moris tavern activities are probably better be replaced by something related to our MC.
Good luck with your game.
1 Like
the lore of the game is good but the start of the mc being introduced just felt confusing and messed up, the game seems like is rushing too fast and not telling how the mc life is a miserable one surrounded by abusive family members, half way in the game we got a brother brutalizing they own soldiers and suddenly challenging the mc, with absolute no detail in the past of the brother or the relationship between him and the mc, and during the fight we get gut punched by our mc ruthless dad with no sensible reason to enter that fight, like if you going to make someone ruthless atleast let them be reasonable and not as if they are drunk heck even a drunkard would have made sense because the way the dad gut punches the mc for no reason, is just a lame way to make a character ruthless, the father could have been better introduced if he was just watching them during that fight, and the mc could still be punished for they supposed weakness when the brother defeats them, that would have given the players a drive to hate and want to kill both the father and brother, now comes the elephant in the room, why the f will you give the mc a tender and caring mother, I can’t be the only one that see this and not point how weird the mother is being and how the story is making her out to be someone that the father will listen to and not been mistreated like is common in toxic relationships, I have said my piece the story got potential but in all honesty it really need work
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